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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

271 replies

5432112345 · 05/11/2016 15:54

Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

OP posts:
OrlandaFuriosa · 05/11/2016 16:43

What does your DP want?

nonicknameseemsavailable · 05/11/2016 16:44

no you ANBU.

my MIL had a bit of a stress because she didn't have as many people on her side and found some random "extras" we didn't know who she insisted on inviting....

HermioneWeasley · 05/11/2016 16:47

will there be a wrestling match?

😂😂😂

ForgotStuff · 05/11/2016 16:47

She is unreasonable. However, if she is paying then I could see that she might be trying to find a way to invite her sister

ShteakandShpuds · 05/11/2016 16:47

It's really got nothing to do with her. She's just a guest.
Be pleasant but very firm and tell her you and your fiancé have already discussed and agreed on the final guest list. And then change the topic.

Do you think she will try and involve herself in other aspects of your marriage, such as Christmas arrangements and naming future DGC's? If so, stand firm now so that you don't allow her to think she can easily manipulate you in the future. If she gets unbearable, could you ask your mum to have a word with her?

My DIL and SDS got married abroad (in her home country). DIL had booked our hotel accommodation and helped us organise travel arrangements. We just had to turn up. It was really lovely. I wouldn't have dreamt of interfering.

haveacupoftea · 05/11/2016 16:49

YANBU. Tell her to piss off.

That1950sMum · 05/11/2016 16:50

YANBU.

She;s an idiot!

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 05/11/2016 16:51

If she wants "fair", how does having your mil dictate the guest list work? That's clearly not "fair" to you or stbh. She is using twisted logic to try to get her way.
If it works she will continue to use this tactic, you will have shown her its effective against you..good luck with that future!..or you can call her out on it, or just dictate, both of those are perfectly valid responses.

honeydewcactus · 05/11/2016 16:51

My MIL paid for the food on condition she invited half the guests. I never met any of them before or after and they're all in my wedding photos. I'm divorced now anyway. Invite the people you love, like and respect and who will be a part of your life. Have a great day.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/11/2016 16:52

Wonder what she'd make of my wedding.

Dh guest list - 20+

My guest list - 8

BerylStreep · 05/11/2016 16:53

Ooh, a MIL and and wedding thread!

Anyway, YANBU. It is your joint prerogative to invite who you want. If it was an extremely close aunt who had been involved in your lives, then I could see how that would be different.

I think starting to invite extended family on one side, but not the other would cause greater upset.

Lesley1980 · 05/11/2016 16:54

I think it actually depends on your other half & his relationship with his aunt & uncle & what he thinks. If he is close to them then they probably Should be included. They are his family after all & it's his wedding too.

Flisspaps · 05/11/2016 16:56

YANBU but prepare for her sister and DH to turn up to the wedding anyway at her invitation!

nooka · 05/11/2016 17:12

OP do you think that your MIL has an issue with you having such a small wedding perhaps and this is how she is raising it? If she has in her mind a 'proper' wedding for her son then she might feel sad that she won't get that, and it's come out as a 'can't my sister even come' complaint.

My wedding was organised and paid for by my parents (very old school) with numbers evenly divided between the two families (and a small number dh and I were allowed to invite). I'd not be surprised if that was standard etiquette for old fashioned ceremonies, with bride and groom sides to the church so a bit of a need for balance.

nauticant · 05/11/2016 17:13

You could suggest to MIL that if she's so keen to bump up the numbers on her side she should get her skates on and adopt some kids.

TripTrappedNow · 05/11/2016 17:14

My MIL was given the option to include her sister and BIL and she said no then changed her mind, (there was history between them of some sort) so they came and were lovely. She was also given two places for friends who she seemed inseparable from, lovely couple and on al our wedding pictures, gave us a lovely clock etc. BUT MIL fell out with them months later and we have never seen or heard from them since the fall out.
I invited my cousins, DH did not invite his, different strength of relationships.

Upshot is, it is up to you and DH who is there, you don't really need a rule other than that so tell MIL that the rule is your wedding so you do the inviting.

DamePastel · 05/11/2016 17:18

I think she's being U for commenting but I think, being from a small family, maybe she's afraid that her camp will be a bit subdued for being in the smaller team. It sounds petty but i get that she'd enjoy the day more if her sister were there. I'd grant it on those grounds! YOu want his parents to enjoy the day.

SpunkyMummy · 05/11/2016 17:22

Unless he has a cousin he's super close too or anything.

No, YANBU.

honeyroar · 05/11/2016 17:22

She's wrong.

We did the same. Mums, dads, siblings and a best friend each. It didn't make for even numbers, but that would have been ridiculous! My mum did have a moment of grumbling, but got over it. We did, however, have a big evening do for everyone else, which calmed things down. When she looks back on it now, my mum loved the informality of it all.

SpunkyMummy · 05/11/2016 17:24

But maybe she's afraid she won't have anybody to talk to? Idk...

But no, YANBU.

GeorgeTheThird · 05/11/2016 17:24

Maybe she's planning a tug of war after the ceremony?

LetsAllEatCakes · 05/11/2016 17:29

Yanbu. Equal family relations doesn't always mean equal numbers.

Dh had more family then I at our wedding since half of mine are overseas. It's one of those things. You should stick to your guns, she is b v v u.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 05/11/2016 17:44

She is clearly planning a MASSIVE punch-up and is worried that your family will overwhelm hers.

Personally I'd ditch the old folk in favour of some muscular uncles...

ollieplimsoles · 05/11/2016 17:47

My mil did the same thing, she burst into tears and told us it wasn't how she had dreamed her sons wedding would be. She wanted a church affair with all her family and work friends, where the bride came in I don't know...

Don't back down

MidnightAura · 05/11/2016 17:54

I have been there with my wedding this year and my In laws.

You are not being unreasonable. My inlaws went ballistic when they found out we were having a small wedding and only inviting immediate family and a few close friends. It turned out they had taken the liberty of inviting people (their cousins and their best man at their wedding) and booking them hotel rooms without asking us. Even though they knew it was only immediate family on both sides. They also said they wouldn't come as they "wouldn't know anyone"

Needless to say we weren't impressed. They (alongside my BIL) refused to come to our wedding and we haven't spoken since. We cant forgive them for refusing to come to our wedding for such a petty reason.

Its your wedding. Do what you and your DP want. Don't cave.