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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL saying our wedding isnt 'fair'

271 replies

5432112345 · 05/11/2016 15:54

Hi all

Just want to check im not being unreasonable as (future) MIL said myself and DP are.

We've decided to only invite immediate family to our wedding ceremony - DP and I both in agreement. MIL is suggesting that it is unfair as my immediate family is bigger than DPs.

The invite list for my side is: GP x2, parents x2, 3 siblings plus 2 SIL.
For DP: 1 x GP, parents x 2, bro and SIL.

MIL suggested it should be equal numbers on both sides and we should invite her sis and BIL ( I've met once for 2 minutes in 8 years) plus others. I think it shouldnt be about numbers and think it would be 'unfair' to invite some aunts and uncles and not others.

AIBU? Thank you

OP posts:
NotYoda · 05/11/2016 17:55

Stick to your guns, because it could get really messy and bring resentments from other people if you don't. I tried to compromise like that and it was a mess I regret to this day - 20 years later

Immediate family is clear

ConvincingLiar · 05/11/2016 17:56

Inviting by category (eg all siblings, no cousins) is wholly inoffensive. Strength of relationship is harder to justify as you're then into valuing different relations (although in exceptional cases it would be different, eg you lived next door to your cousin and they are your very best friend whereas DH fell out with his cousin 20 years ago and they haven't spoken since).

Whatever you decide, MIL should butt out, even if she's given a gift of money to pay towards the wedding.

NotYoda · 05/11/2016 17:56

Also, if you don't want to do any other "do" later to make up for it, DON'T. You'll feel resentful

BingBongBingBong · 05/11/2016 18:01

YANBU, she's being ridiculous

bunnyfuller · 05/11/2016 18:07

I'd consider inviting the 1-2 she wants if only as someone for them to talk to that they know? And just to keep the peace tbh. Last thing you want is them sulking and potentially your stbh feeling crap on his happy day?

NotYoda · 05/11/2016 18:12

bunny

I think that's reasonable, but only if you can be sure it won't upset either other aunts and uncles. This happened to me. It's better to keep it set to "immediate" family to avoid that

FatOldBag · 05/11/2016 18:13

Tell her she's welcome to have another child and bring dh's new sibling to the wedding to even things up. But she better get on with it.

YANBU.

Hulababy · 05/11/2016 18:14

If your DP haps with 'his' guest list?
If yes - than it is fair and all is well.
If no - then you need to look again.

Unless your MIL is footing the bill for the whole lot, and hosting everything, then it is nothing to do with her really.

EweAreHere · 05/11/2016 18:14

"It's our wedding, our decision. We're only inviting immediate family from both sides to the ceremony. And since we won't be playing a game of tug-of-war at the end of the ceremony, you needn't worry about whose side happens to have more people." Then ignore her.

Original poster
5432112345 · 05/11/2016 18:17

To answer some questions:

DP is worried about upsetting MIL as she can be a little difficult but this is definitely what he wants for the ceremony.

No he isnt close to this relation and he probably spends more time with my extended family than his own. For example he doesnt the names of his cousins children.

OP posts:
IrnBrufan · 05/11/2016 18:18

We did the same thing.
My MIL took it a step further and just invited her friend to watch the ceremony (outdoors wedding so couldn't really stop her) then
Invited her over for a glass of fizz after the service. FYI we got married on an island to specifically avoid this sort of stupidity and neither me or husband had ever met this friend (or her husband for that matter). The lengths people will go to to 'even' out the numbers Hmm

NotYoda · 05/11/2016 18:24

Then it's really easy

Your DP tells her that it is not about numbers. If you do it her way, there may be others who are upset - so it is immediate family only

2kids2dogsnosense · 05/11/2016 18:24

Strictly speaking - anyone can go to the church service; complete strangers can wander in off the street if they so wish. (It's a religious service and therefore open to all and sundry.)

However only invited guests can get fed.

Original poster
5432112345 · 05/11/2016 18:24

Oh and the money thing - i know PIL contributed a fair bit to DPs brothers wedding and invited some of their friends. I'm thinking we will have to politlely refuse any money offers to avoid them 'having their say'.

Sorry if I've missed any questions.

OP posts:
Pumpkin2010 · 05/11/2016 18:25

YANBU. There's no discussion here!

MidnightAura · 05/11/2016 18:28

The thing is though, if you give in on this issue and say invite the other people, further down the line your MIL could potentially throw more spanners in the works.

When we were in this position we couldn't invite the Aunts DH is closest to as not only did she not get on with MIL and FIL but because it would have opened the floodgates of "why wasn't Aunty Flo and Uncle Fred invited"

Your DP wants immediate family too, I think unfortunately you need to stand up to your MIL. I just hope they don't do what my in laws did and not come!

Turbinaria · 05/11/2016 18:31

YANBU but for the sake of family peace, enjoying your day and starting your married life without resentment from your MIL hanging over you I'd invite the extra 2 people as sometimes it's more about picking your battles.
However if she tries to interfere with the naming of your future dcs then that'll be a battle I'd be prepared to fight.

altiara · 05/11/2016 18:34

I was thinking tug of war too!!

FWIW-if it's a decision you both made then YADNBU. It's an easy way to dictate fairness. If you go on 'numbers' then there will be more resentment then on who you didn't invite.
As for the comment on her not having anyone to talk to- with a small wedding, then you should know everyone or know of them and make the most of getting to know them better.
Ignore her and support DH to be as she sounds like she will try and wear him down.

altiara · 05/11/2016 18:37

MidnightAura I think I remember your posts. I remember the cousins and BM were uninvited and they wanted you a wedding present of a taxi for your guests. Or were you going to cancel the wedding? Please update me Smile

HanYOLO · 05/11/2016 18:40

you say you're only inviting immediate family to the "ceremony" but are you also having a party/celebration?

YaNBU either way but probably just wants the opportunity for a bit of a get together with her family too. It sounds a bit sad to me, weddings etc are the stuff that glue a family together and they have had few of them. I don't think that means that you need to change what you want for your wedding, but it doesn't mean she's going to be a nightmare MIL.

Original poster
5432112345 · 05/11/2016 18:41

Turbinara - I am worried about causing bad feeling with MIL but I think it's a bit odd that the people we are being asked to invite aren't even the ones I know IYSWIM

If we start inviting aunts, uncles and cousins it takes the numbes from 16 to 60. That really isnt the intimate wedding we wanted.

Just because somebody mentioned that we might have to emigrate (ha ha) a couple of years ago we were actually discussing living abroad. MIL said that if we emigrated she would disown DP. That's what I mean by her being a little difficult! Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
5432112345 · 05/11/2016 18:42

Yes we will have a 'celebration' but probably on a different day.

OP posts:
VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 05/11/2016 18:46

Oh fucking hell. I feel for you. This is why DH and I just did it on our own.

wornoutboots · 05/11/2016 18:58

"Look, if you're that offended by the guests we've chosen we could always just have us, our kids (if either of you has any) and 2 witnesses instead" would do it, I'd imagine, but be certain you're prepared to go that route if you threaten it

YonicProbe · 05/11/2016 18:58

Yanbu