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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give up our bedroom or DD's for guests

185 replies

5FeetOfWater · 04/11/2016 08:59

We live in a small 3-bed. We have 1 bedroom, DD (15months) has another and the 3rd is an office/storage room. There's also a double sofa bed in the lounge but it's open plan with the kitchen so not ideal.

We usually give up our bedroom and sleep in with DD as there's a double bed in her room (it used to be guestroom). But I'm sick of all the work this entails- moving all our stuff, changing bedlinen, deep cleaning en-suites then changing it all back a few days later Angry And then disrupted sleep as we wake DD up sleeping in her room. She's just started sleeping through in her own room and backtracks when we have guests.

I think we should explain situation to potential guests, offer them the office/storage room if they don't mind a campbed, and suggest they book a hotel if they want a proper bed.

Guests are mainly family members and close friends. I want to be able to enjoy visits instead of hours spent cleaning and swapping rooms around. But DH loves having guests and thinks IABVU.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2016 12:20

Exactly RhiWrites, exactly.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 05/11/2016 12:38

Well I did exactly that with my son (cot in room with double bed) because the 3rd bedroom was an office and tiny. BUT the difference was that if my mum visited we moved him into our room and he slept in a carrycot on the floor.

My son is nearly 14 and still doesn't have a wardrobe, his clothes fit in a large chest of drawers. If he does have anything that needs hanging up it goes in the spare room wardrobe.

As for deep cleaning for guests I clean a bit. I don't actually quite know what deep cleaning is but I definitely don't do it!

MrEBear · 05/11/2016 12:43

Rhi lots of reasons why people put babies into double rooms. Given the op only has 3 rooms, they are in one, baby in a double, third is the office.

Why make the second double the office / guest room and have the baby squashed in the smallest room, they don't stay babies forever?

I would also guess that the office was set up before the baby came along and it would be a faff to swap the office into the 2nd double just so that guests could be accommodated.
I'm also guessing that since the baby has arrived the op is having guests more frequently it's easier for family to travel to them than them to cart all the stuff babies need elsewhere.
There might also be an element of family planning, if a second child comes along then putting them into the room with the first child is far easier than the faff of swapping rooms around again.

SorryNotSorry · 05/11/2016 13:20

This has been posted word for word before OP doesn't seem to be acknowledging those who have brought it up.

Weird...

user1468518769 · 05/11/2016 13:39

Why don't you and dh sleep on the sofa bed . Dd will be awake early anyway and probably before your guests. Your guests won't go through your wardrobe or drawers. I have 4 year old that has always slept well, but that's because we chose to sacrifice things to ensure she had a solid bedtime routine for the first 2 years.
She now asks to go to bed. So I would maybe talk to your dh and say that having guests disrupts dd sleep and it she needs a solid routine, it will only be fo another 10 months.

I also would expect the sofa bed or office as a guest. I would horrified if I caused this much worry and disturbance to someone we we were staying with.

brasty · 05/11/2016 13:46

Family and close friends coming to stay should not expect a room like a hotel. Why are you deep cleaning or moving all your stuff out? Just a clean, move out the clothes you need when they are staying, and that is it.

It is very unwelcoming to expect close family and friends to stay in a hotel. If you were my sister and said that to me, I just wouldn't visit.

NameChange30 · 05/11/2016 14:55

"Why make the second double the office / guest room and have the baby squashed in the smallest room, they don't stay babies forever?"

The OP has already said that they plan to move house within the next year, so during that time DD will be a baby/toddler and won't need a huge room. Given how frequently they have guests and how big a deal the OP makes out of it it makes a lot of sense to swap the rooms as I and several PPs have suggested.

Inertia · 05/11/2016 15:15

Sorry, but it's pretty rude of your mum to demand wardrobe and drawer space when visiting. It isn't usual for guests to do that.

What are you actually willing to do to change things?

Inertia · 05/11/2016 15:16

Also, which room has the ensuite which needs such rigorous deep cleaning, and how many other bathrooms do you have?

NameChange30 · 05/11/2016 16:12

I think it's the OP's bedroom that has an ensuite. Presumably there is also a bathroom that guests would use if they weren't sleeping in the OP's bedroom.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2016 16:49

What are you actually willing to do to change things?

Sweet fa, nada, one could say inertia Inertia. What an apt name.

Craigie · 05/11/2016 17:20

Don't invite guests if you can't be bothered to make what is barely any effort to make them feel welcome.

soozykay · 05/11/2016 19:44

Pardon my ignorance but what is 'deep cleaning' the en-suite?

I'd move the baby in with you. When I visit my daughter, I live out of my suitcase, Friday evening to Monday morning, no longer.

Guests are like fish, start to go off after 3 days.

Original poster
5FeetOfWater · 05/11/2016 20:17

We put baby in double room as it's closer to our room, also sunnier and has more space for play-mat, toys etc. Office doesn't get used much. Both doubles are ensuite and there's a family bathroom on the landing.

By deep cleaning I mean scrubbing everything (including tiled walls and floor) then wiping down. The way I would expect to find a hotel bathroom, no trace of previous occupants. And of course removing all our products and putting guest toiletries in.

OP posts:
lapsedorienteerer · 05/11/2016 20:19

YANBU

NameChange30 · 05/11/2016 20:19

Giving a baby an ensuite bathroom is ridiculous!

All the more reason to let guests have her room when they come.

Original poster
5FeetOfWater · 05/11/2016 20:20

I wouldn't want to sleep in lounge when we have guests, no privacy. Lounge/kitchen is all one room. If guests wanted to make a cup of tea or get a glass of water in night they'd have to walk past the sofa bed Blush

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 05/11/2016 20:27

Is it a new build? Seems completely mad to have 3 bathrooms in a 3 bedroom house.

daisypond · 05/11/2016 20:29

Originally you said it was a small 3 bed. But it doesn't seem that small if you have three bathrooms! I wouldn't want to sleep in the lounge either if it was my home. You should keep your room, the baby should be in the small room (permanently, if you ask me!) , keep the double with its en suite for guests/office space. Your relative is being too demanding wanting wardrobe and drawer space. And you really don't need to provide guest toiletries, in my opinion. But if you had a guest room/office always ready, you could keep stuff permanently in there for guests, so there'd be no need running around to get everything sorted.

CheerfulYank · 05/11/2016 20:29

Oh honey :o

We have the same set up (or used to, I've got three kids now and any guests get a blanket tossed on the couch) and we would just move the mattress from the spare double bed into the office for the duration of the stay.

But it seems like that would make you anxious so...probably not a go. Just suggest a hotel. Different people handle things differently and if you can't do this, you can't. Neither you or DH are wrong, you're just different.

My DH has major anxieties over our dog of all things. Big, galumphing labrador. He knows it's not a big deal really but he can't just chill out about him. He just can't. Sometimes that happens.

cheval · 05/11/2016 20:30

Guests staying for a short time will live out of suitcase. Clean bedding, ok, and quick rattle around bathroom. But wouldn't stress it. They're lucky to be invited. Personally, I've come to loathe having guests, other than returning grown-up kids and their friends. They have no expectations of me! Do like cooking for them, though.
Also dislike staying in other people's houses. Can't wait to get home.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2016 20:31

That's a bit of a drip feed. Ensuite for a baby. Yabvvvvu. Dd doesn't even have the ensuite guest room. She's 8 Confused. If I were a guest at your place I'd be getting the message "I don't give a fuck about you, now eff off to a hotel".

cloudspotter · 05/11/2016 20:55

I'm a stresed-out hostess whenever we have guests, and nothing takes that away. The cleaning, the cooking, even the questions I get asked. I'm just not related with it, I need my own space. Everyone posting is missing the point a bit. You have loads of reasons/justifications why it's a problem, which I'm guessing are long rehearsed during arguments with your husband. Grin

Clearly having guests is putting unacceptable pressure on you, which he's not acknowledging. It's exhausting enough having a 15 month old that doesn't sleep through, and a husband that works long hours. Next time you have a row with him, negotiate some of the tasks falling to him - and name sure they're ones that he can't cut corners on (eg get him setting g up the bedding g and washing it rather than cleaning the en-suire so that he can't avoid it).

I bet he'll get the point soon enough. The hard bit is managing everyone else's expectations - be honest with your family without making them unwelcome, and ask him to do the same.

Ultimately your house, your rules.

Baylisiana · 06/11/2016 00:57

Well it is your DH's house too, what if he decides 'my house, my rules'.
There is no question I am afraid OP that your idea of what needs to be done to prepare for guests is ridiculous. Or that refusing to give up the room at all looks a bit rude (much ruder than forgetting to deep clean the tiles, for example). However you obviously have issues in this area and unless able to challenge them, are not suited to having guests. You and your DP will have to adapt to that as best you can. But see it for what it is, don't kid yourself that it is typical or reasonable.

Just as a comparison, when I stay with family they put clean sheets on the bed and give me a couple of towels. I live out of a case or grab a hanger to put something on the back of a door if I have a dress or something that requires that. People come in and out as the room is used for various things in daily use. I share the family bathroom and do not expect any special cleaning to have been done in advance of my arrival, except perhaps just to check it was up to general everyday standards and not in chaos. They ordinarily keep it clean and tidy, so I am likely to find it that way. I do not mind signs of other occupants, they are family not strangers in a hotel room, and this is their home. I feel very welcome, partly because I know they are relaxed about having guests and can easily build it into their day without fuss. The children are completely used to swapping rooms or sleeping on floors if need be when there are many guests.

Baylisiana · 06/11/2016 01:00

By the way OP, when I say it is not reasonable, I mean it is not reasonable to over prepare so much. I do think it is reasonable to say that you have issues with hosting that make it even more stressful than normal, and that you don't want to do it. I think a pp is right, be honest about the problems and people,hopefully won,t get the wrong end of the stick.