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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give up our bedroom or DD's for guests

185 replies

5FeetOfWater · 04/11/2016 08:59

We live in a small 3-bed. We have 1 bedroom, DD (15months) has another and the 3rd is an office/storage room. There's also a double sofa bed in the lounge but it's open plan with the kitchen so not ideal.

We usually give up our bedroom and sleep in with DD as there's a double bed in her room (it used to be guestroom). But I'm sick of all the work this entails- moving all our stuff, changing bedlinen, deep cleaning en-suites then changing it all back a few days later Angry And then disrupted sleep as we wake DD up sleeping in her room. She's just started sleeping through in her own room and backtracks when we have guests.

I think we should explain situation to potential guests, offer them the office/storage room if they don't mind a campbed, and suggest they book a hotel if they want a proper bed.

Guests are mainly family members and close friends. I want to be able to enjoy visits instead of hours spent cleaning and swapping rooms around. But DH loves having guests and thinks IABVU.

AIBU?

OP posts:
carefreeeee · 04/11/2016 15:29

It sounds as if you don't like the people that are staying over. If it was your own friends you probably wouldn't care if they saw your underwear.

If you like them you wouldn't mind the slight inconvenience. If they aren't your guests your husband should do more of the work.

And the amount of cleaning sounds excessive!

If I'm a guest I am not fussy - happy to sleep anywhere as long as it's fairly quiet and a basic standard of cleanliness is fine. I offer to bring a sleeping bag and then people tell me if they have a bed available. I certainly wouldn't go round and check for unused double beds in the children's rooms and then get offended that I wasn't sleeping in them.

NameChange30 · 04/11/2016 15:38

"When my sisters stay they opt to sleep in the office (it's furthest from DD's room so nice and quiet). But DH feels we must always offer people a bedroom!"

Your DH is being unreasonable in asking you to give up your own bedroom when you clearly feel uncomfortable about doing it (hence all the cleaning and moving all your stuff). Just put your foot down and tell DH they're not having your bedroom and can have the office. If he wants it to be more like a bedroom perhaps he could sort that out by decluttering, tidying, cleaning it etc.

And unless you're moving to a 4 bedroom house with room for a separate office and guest room in addition to the family bedrooms, I would replace the double bed in DD's room with a comfortable sofa bed for guests. Takes up less space when you're not using it.

Original poster
5FeetOfWater · 04/11/2016 15:48

Yes I admit I needed a rant, but also interested in others opinions on this. It's a long standing disagreement DH and I have. I'm not ignoring suggestions.

I appreciate the suggestions about moving sofa-bed upstairs/ turning office into DD's bedroom etc. But it's not practical for us to change the layout. DD is happy and settled in her room, she's close to our bedroom, the office is cramped with no space for her wardrobe. Sofa-bed needs to stay in the lounge as we have nothing else to sit on! Also it's massive and would take up the whole office. If we were going to be here long term I'd consider buying new furniture (e.g. small sofa bed for office) but we're trying to get rid of stuff right now.

TBH I don't enjoy hosting much. I'm comfortable with my own family visiting but they only come a couple of times a year and my parents usually stay in a b&b.

As for knickers on display, I worry guests might rummage through my drawers or open my wardrobe looking for hanging space. It just feels invasive having people use our bedroom when our personal things are in there.

I don't 'get' the positives of having regular guests. I always book a hotel when I visit people as I don't feel comfortable in their houses and don't like to put them to any trouble.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 04/11/2016 15:49

You are being OTT on the blank canvas comments. You stay with guests and hope for a clean bed and towels and a few hangers. Only a weird person would start going through drawers and using your cosmetics.

The problem is that you have a double bed in dds room but are offering a camped in the office- many would see this as odd. For close family I think you make the effort and be welcoming and try not to come over all hotel. For friends you met a couple of years ago and are staying for convenience then offer the office or hotel. Or just say no.

CCK26 · 04/11/2016 16:14

We've just moved house a long way from our hometown. We have three bedrooms and three DC so no spare rooms whatsoever. When my parents/friends/brothers and their wives have come to stay, they have had a blow up mattress on the floor in the living room and dumped their stuff in our room. No biggie whatsoever.

august1982 · 04/11/2016 16:14

You're all mad!!

Why on earth should she move anything or anyone because a guest has come to stay??? Nope, sorry but DD stays in her room, you stay in yours and your guests make do with whatever is left over. They should just be grateful they have somewhere to sleep. Unless they are there to do something for you, in which case allowances should be made.

Guests are temporary. You, hubby and DD live there full time and you need to get her in a routine. PRIORITIES!

user1471950254 · 04/11/2016 16:20

If you don't trust invites guests not to rummage through your drawers I suggest you don't invite them! As a guest in someone's home I would never open drawers or wardrobes for any reason.

daisypond · 04/11/2016 16:22

Does a child of 15 months need a wardrobe? I find that a bit odd. Their clothes are too small for a wardrobe. None of my DC had wardrobes until secondary school age. A chest of drawers was fine. A wardrobe doesn't have to be in the same room anyway. It could stay in the bigger room. Our wardrobe is on the landing. I think the blank canvas thing is also odd. You're not running a hotel or a B&B, or taking in a lodger. Clean sheets and towels is enough. We have lots of guests to stay - there's someone every few weeks - and that's all they get. Sometimes they offer to bring a sleeping bag so as not to create work for me with sheets, but they don't have to do that. We don't have wardrobe space so they're not offered hangers or drawers. When I go and stay at relatives' that's all I get, too - if they've got a spare room, I'm in a bed, but otherwise it's a blow-up bed on the floor. I don't get wardrobe space or drawers either. I put my stuff on a chair or table or hang stuff from the back of the door. It's fine.

Wdigin2this · 04/11/2016 16:24

Surely it would be simpler to move DC into your bedroom???
But, no matter how many hours DH works, he should give you a bit of help preparing for, and cleaning up after guests!

Xmasbaby11 · 04/11/2016 16:29

I'd just put dd in with you as surely you have enough room for a travel cot. We do this for a weekend at least once a month and it works well. You just grab a couple of armfuls of her stuff to keep in your room.
Imo it's good for children to get used to sleeping in different places - after all when you go away presumably she's in with you.

I wouldn't expect guests to stay in open plan lounge if there was a decent alternative.

Nigglenaggle · 04/11/2016 16:29

Mainly what emma said, but I definitely won't ever be moving my children for adult guests, unless they offer of their own according. What a hideous thing to do. (I know ops Dd is only 15mths and probably doesn't care but start as you mean to go on and all that). A child's bedroom is the only space they have that's theirs. If they didn't invite the guests, why should they have to have it invaded?

PaulDacresConscience · 04/11/2016 16:34

I'm not surprised that your DH loves having guests. He doesn't do any of the work entailed with hosting, does he? It's easy to enjoy it if your only requirement is to waft about playing the gracious and hospitable host, whilst other people pick up the graft.

Givemestrengthorwine · 04/11/2016 16:36

Do you ever go and stay at these peoples houses? Think about how are you treated then. Do you get this treatment from them????
Clean sheets are a must as well as providing clean towels, but if they are not impressed with a sofabed or such like then i would pack them off to a local hotel.
If they are happy to be in your company and greatful for you having them to stay even when you have a young family then they shouldnt complain. Nor should they expect you to turn your life upside down to suit them.
I think your hubby is worried that they wouldnt want to stay if they dont get the master with ensuite and that may affect the relationship but things have to change when kiddies come along!
I wouldnt want someone to go to all that trouble for me! Xx

RichardBucket · 04/11/2016 16:37

Well... I think YABU because you're making excuses to keep guests away - that's pretty clear.

But YANBU because if you don't want guests, you shouldn't have to have guests.

Just be honest with your husband. He wants guests, you don't - the compromise is for guests to come to you in the day and sleep in a B&B/hotel at night. If he won't budge, he's a dick.

Greengoddess12 · 04/11/2016 16:38

With you op.

We have grown up kids and teens and the only stop overs are our kids.

I don't run a hotel. If guests want to stay they book into one or drive/taxi home.

00100001 · 04/11/2016 16:40

Well, surely by now you realise it is ridiculous to move all your stuff out of a room! And this whole blank canvas thing is your own creation and your own issue. A "deep cleaning" the bathroom? Whhhyyyyyyyyyyy??

If you really think they are the type of people to poke round your knicker drawer, then they'll be poking round other things too, and so don't invite them to stay. Confused

You sound like you're making it hard work for no reason. If you don't want people staying, tell your DH.

FrayedHem · 04/11/2016 16:41

How often are you having visitors to stay?

Do you have any reason to believe any of them would actually go through your stuff? My mother is the most terrible snooper (have caught her out) and she would be giddy with delight if we gave her the office to sleep in. She'd probably be researching safe-breaking tips on YouTube!

MrsMoastyToasty · 04/11/2016 16:49

I've always understood that it's considered polite for a house guest to accept the accommodation offered -whatever that might be.
Last time we had house guests i put SIL in the office, 2 nephews (grown men) in bedroom 2 in a double bed , great nephew in bedroom 3 with my son (they are similar ages), 2 nieces (grown women )in the dining room on a double airbed, BIL on the sofa (not a sofa bed ) in the lounge and us two in our own room.

We have similar arrangements when we stay at SIL house - plus 4 dogs and 2 further permanent lodgers.

Baylisiana · 04/11/2016 16:51

You are clearly just not suited to having guests OP, you bring too many issues to it. That is not a criticism, I have a ton of issues myself.

daisypond · 04/11/2016 16:54

I don't see why it's hideous for a child to move out of its room for a night or two. And I also think this idea that their room is the only space that's theirs very odd. My DC have never had a room of their own - they're teenagers now - and there's three of them sharing. I see it as good manners for a child to learn to give up their room for Granny or whoever for a night or two.

AnnPerkins · 04/11/2016 17:01

Having guests to stay isn't easy if you're not used to it. But I think the more you do it the more easy it should become. If you don't trust your guests not to go through your things maybe you just don't like them very much?

MargaretCavendish · 04/11/2016 17:11

The problem is that you have a double bed in dds room but are offering a camped in the office- many would see this as odd.

Yes, this. I would never say a word if I were your guest, but I would note how unwelcome I clearly was, and not come again. Which seems to be exactly your objective! If you want a more subtle way, I don't understand why you don't get rid of the bed in DD's room. You're not intending to use it; surely the room isn't so mammoth that it wouldn't be nice to have the extra space?

Boomerangs · 04/11/2016 17:23

Sounds like way too much hassle I'm in similar size house but we have made a point of not having any spare beds so conveniently there is nowhere for guests yanbu tell them to get a hotel

Inertia · 04/11/2016 17:27

Moving everything out of the room is utter madness. It must take days!

You've been offered lots of solutions, but you're not willing to take any of them up.

How much office equpiment is in the spare room?Could it be easily moved around to fit the spare double bed in there?

Given that you won't move the spare bed into the spare bedroom, move the sofa bed, or move DD into your room for the duration, the only realistic option is that you let guests use your bedroom but just leave all your stuff where it belongs. It's very simple to get out (say) 2 sets of clothes and your pyjamas.

There is plenty of middle ground between pretending that your bedroom is an empty hotel suite, and expecting guests to camp on the floor.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 04/11/2016 17:32

If you don't want to move the baby from her room how about you sharing with her using the double. Or if that's likely to disturb, you use the sofa bed in the living room with the guests using your room.

I do think it would be much less work for you to move her cot into your room for one night and get her settled. I do think it's unfair you're having no help with the preparation - and it seems you're doing a lot.