Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much would you judge this family at the playground?

444 replies

RedStripeLass · 03/11/2016 10:21

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

OP posts:
FurryLittleTwerp · 03/11/2016 10:52

At 3 she is too young to know when swearing is / isn't appropriate. It's a shame that she's learnt those words, but it happens - please don't feel bad about it but try to teach her that it isn't nice to use them - perhaps give her an alternative non-rude expletive - like Rats!

As for the beer & weed in a playground - just awful - I expect your daughter sees him doing this at home too Sad

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 03/11/2016 10:52

I would be less judgey if the parents called the child on her behaviour and language. The father's behaviour is inexcusable. You are making the right move, seeking help.

ovenchips · 03/11/2016 10:52

I wouldn't 'judge' your DD's behaviour, if I saw you dealing with it.

I would very much mind your DP's behaviour in a playground. Very much.

Your post reads awful sad OP. As if you have a dawning realisation that where you are at, at the moment, as a family is wrong. I think you are asking questions you already know the answer to...

FWIW it doesn't seem as if the problem is coming from you. I don't know what you did but you certainly needed to do something in that situation. For example, when your DP got out alcohol/ spliff, you could have told him to stop or leave. Then if he didn't leave, you could have.

Another parent could easily have alerted police to such anti-social behaviour in a playground. If they had, the 3 of you would be involved in the incident rather than just him. I'm sure that would not be okay to you.

leopardgecko · 03/11/2016 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MardyGrave · 03/11/2016 10:52

What are you wanting the hv to do for you? You need to get rid of the bloke who wants to drink and do drugs around children in a park, not try to cajole him into joining in while he's under the influence.

Soubriquet · 03/11/2016 10:52

I remember your thread now

He is an addict whether you like to admit it or not

BathshebaDarkstone · 03/11/2016 10:53

I would only judge the weed smoking.

DS swears, he copies DH who's an ex-decorator and finds it hard to curb it in front of the DC, the pushing's normal, I don't think drinking in front of DC is a terrible thing unless he was pissed, but smoking weed in front of a child is terrible.

NetHag · 03/11/2016 10:54

A 3 yr old pushing and saying 'no babies' - normal, wouldn't give it a second thought.

A 3 yr old swearing - would raise my eyebrows

A father smoking weed and drinking booze in a children's playground in the middle of the day - would worry me.

Does it worry you? The main issue shouldn't be whether people are judging you or your family, its about heather this is a healthy situation for your DD. It sounds like you know its not...

Sonders · 03/11/2016 10:54

If I'm totally honest, I'd pity you. From the scene you've set it seems like a stressed out mum who's trying everything to give her kid a good time, but is generally struggling and also somehow stuck with an absolute loser.

Then I'd run through all the reasons why you wouldn't leave the drug-taking loser.

I wouldn't say anything, but I'd definitely remove any children from the area until your DH had left.

Original poster
RedStripeLass · 03/11/2016 10:55

The pushing, I honestly have no idea where she gets it from. Not us for sure.

I am guilty of swearing as I said before.

No he doesn't smoke indoors and would never let her near any of the stuff in his smoking box. It's kept on a high shelf.

OP posts:
SquirrelPaws · 03/11/2016 10:55

I wouldn't judge you for the swearing or pushing, you're dealing with it and the next minute it could be my 3yo doing either.
Honestly, and against the grain, I wouldn't judge the dad for smoking and drinking either, as long as he's outside the enclosed play equipment part and far enough away that the smoke isn't wafting over the kids. One beer and joint isn't going to make him a danger. If he was visibly wobbly I'd be concerned.

a7mints · 03/11/2016 10:56

Only the drinking beer and smoking a joint in a playground

IScreamYouScream · 03/11/2016 10:56

"One beer and joint isn't going to make him a danger"...

It doesn't make him a good dad though does it.

MardyGrave · 03/11/2016 10:57

I find your meek tone really unpleasant when you should know the impact this is having upon your daughter.

leopardgecko · 03/11/2016 10:57

I too am a foster carer. I also have children with ASD and ADHD and I know where leopard is coming from. But I would remove my children from the situation purely because of the attitude of the father.

Thank you understanding my badly put together words Cassimin| However, as you know we are only allowed to do so much, and could not resort to physically removing a young person, if they chose not to be removed. Of course much easier with a little ones, but when I have had 14 and 15 year old foster "children" drinking and taking drugs in public, as you know we are unable to deal with the matter as we would if it were our own children. We make the relevant authorities know of course, but that does not help in the moment.

draculasteabag · 03/11/2016 10:58

From seeing what the dad is doing, I would automatically make me judge the mother for being a poor parent and not putting her kids first.
I would automatically assume that the child is the result how she is being brought up by both parents. Her behaviour indicates a home that is not safe and it's full of screaming. That is why she has no shame in doing it.
You running around the park trying to be the excellent parents is squashed by your Dd's actions and dh.

Why would you stay with someone who is exposing drugs to other people's children in the park. He is not just smoking but doing drugs. Cigarettes in play parks is bad enough.

Imagine what your kids are picking up on. Imagine how you are coming across to your children. Imagine what they will become in the future. Think about it then make a decision which will benefit them because what you have described is not normal and ok.

BarbarianMum · 03/11/2016 10:58

I would totally judge you for subjecting your daughter to a father like that. But I shared a house with a drug addict (brother) during my teens and have less than zero tolerance of anyone who exposes a young child to shit like that.

Sorry. I know that's harsh and you are in a difficult position but you are right to be worried about your dd. Speak to your HV or just chuck the fucker out.

hoddtastic · 03/11/2016 10:58

i would judge the swearing, the dad and then i guess, by default- i'd be judging you for not doing anything to get him out of your home and away from your kid.

I am not prissy, many/most of my mates smoke dope, if we have people over they can do it outside- after the kids are in bed. I don't mind them seeing us have a glass of wine or whatever- but think its a bit desperate that you can't go to the park/ to someone's house for dinner and not get through it without a spliff.

user1477282676 · 03/11/2016 10:59

So OP how is the hv going to change your partner? How is that going to help?

MamaMotherMummy · 03/11/2016 11:00

Sorry but I find it so over the top people saying 'are you safe with this man?' as if a beer and a joint makes someone dangerous, or tells us much at all about his character.

I don't think I'd judge, to be honest. Your child swore, so what. It's not desirable but the world isn't going to end. Your child pushed another child, and you reprimanded her for it. Your partner had a beer and a joint, which is the same as at any family BBQ I've been to to be honest. Having said that, I assumed when you said on the grass you meant outside the playground. Is that the case?

If your partner has a substance abuse problem, that's one thing. If he doesn't then I honestly don't see the issue. It's not crack, heroin etc.

What exactly do you expect your health visitor to do?!? Surely it's your life and if you want to change it you change it. What do you want to change? What are you unhappy about?

Lovemusic33 · 03/11/2016 11:01

People are always going to judge, what I would worry about is people seeing things that are not actually there ( I have first hand experience of this ).

It's good that you are trying to do something about it and hopefully your dh feels the same.

I'm one of those parents that can take my kids to the park and join in one day and then the next I tell them to go off and play on their own whilst I sit on my bum glued to my phone. I don't think that makes you a bad parent, maybe we all just need to try a little harder sometimes but also I think it's good that kids learn to entertain themselves.

I would be worried about the 'smoking a joint' thing, from experience social services can come down pretty hard on parents that smoke week whilst in charge of children, near children or in the same house as children, to me the alchol is more of a danger than weed but others do not see it that way. If your dh feels the need to smoke and drink he should do it away from his child and not during 'family time'.

As for the swearing, I am lucky that my kids rarely swear, they know all the swear words under the sun but they also know they are not to use them. I think if I saw a young child using the F word I would be slightly mortified and would expect to see the parent correct the child straight away or even remove them from the park.

sarahnova69 · 03/11/2016 11:02

We all live together and he's not a threat. He's depressed and in a bad place. We are safe. No abuse or anything like like. Just a bit useless sometimes.

Red, love, that is you minimising big time. He's more than a bit useless. He's smoking your household budget into serious straits. And he verbally abuses you when you ask him to parent or question this state of affairs.

Don't blind yourself. You wanted us to tell you how it looks from the outside.

ChocolateForAll · 03/11/2016 11:02

I'd probably stifle a giggle at the swearing, but drugs and alcohol at the playground?! This is unacceptable on every level.

IScreamYouScream · 03/11/2016 11:02

I'm no delicate flower, but people smoking joints at family bbqs doesn't happen in my world.

MardyGrave · 03/11/2016 11:03

mama a man who needs a beer and a joint in the middle of the afternoon at a playground with his Toddler daughter doesn't concern you? It tells me an awful lot about his character.