How much would you judge this family at the playground?

[RedStripeLass]

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

Maybe it is just that I am squiffy after about half a small glass of wine. I don't think children are damaged by parents drinking in moderation at home/family parties but I don't think it is appropriate, and cannot see the appeal for anyone, adults or kids, to have a family day out to the local beer garden.

We went to the beach in the summer. A big crowd of nice middle class parents and kids set up near us. Before it was even midday they were cracking the white wine and getting raucous, kids wandering off unsupervised. I though it was pretty unescessary to be honest. A bit sad to need a drink to enjoy a nice family day at the beach.

Yes see that too tinkly and in the park in summer and at national trust open air performance of the twits.

My mum's family are like this. Drink all the time and everywhere and also think it is normal to drink special brew at xmas family party. Don't think I've ever met a single one of them sober but I don't see them often.

Oh for god sake, Red. Haven't you booted his arse out yet?

How many posts are you planning to post about your pet addict before you realise he is no good for you and DD? Keeping him around makes you just as bad as him - you are continuing to expose your vulnerable child to the man and are doing sweet FA to safeguard her from him!

Leave him.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy to have a few drinks at a party or on a night out. But during the day, with young kids around, I just don't see the need for it. I suspect my view is quite unfashionable though.

Until you see your husband for the deadbeat he is and start taking responsibility for your daughter's health and happiness then unfortunately you're both failing her.

Stop minimising and excusing his behaviour and GET OUT.

Oh, and if someone decided to smoke pot anywhere near my child there would be consequences, I have hoiked the judgey pants up good and proper!

I agree, tinkly, but I am teetotal and therefore vaaaaair boring

Tinkly I don't think it is. I'm young(ish) I love an occasional drink. Although I'm a massive lightweight.

Unless it's a pub meal or BBQ or similar I don't drink around my DD's.

I don't think any of my friends do.

I'm in the north-east quite a poor area I've never seen drug use in the park or drinking tbh.

I would choose my daughter. I can't believe you're even asking that

BUT you're NOT choosing your dd. EVERY day that you stay with this waste of space, you're choosing HIM over your dd.

Not only would I judge you if I saw this in the park, I'd call the police and if I knew where you lived I'd report you to SS.

He's obviously too far involved in his addiction to see what he's doing, but you're not, and yet you're staying with him and just hoping he gets better.

The problem is, he's got no reason to think he needs to change because you're condoning it by staying with him.

I actually think you are worse than him because you're not prepared to leave/kick him out. You'd rather subject your poor dd to this kind of life than leave him or ask him to leave. She has no choice in this, but you do; no matter how unpleasant the choices are; you do have one, but are choosing to stay and therefore further subjecting your dd to this kind of life.

Grow a backbone for your dd's sake; get help and leave this waste of space before your child is taken away from you.

I'd say sorry for being so harsh, but I'm not, as I think you need a reality check. I think it's disgusting that you're subjecting your dd to this; there's no excuse for it and you should be putting her needs first. She will grow up to think this is normal otherwise.

I've only read the first 8 pages so I may have more to add when I'm finished.

Wow! I can't believe the comments on this thread. I was brought up by an uptight and anxious mother and that did me way more damage than a little bit of Sunday afternoon drinking would have done! In fact, a little bit of that may well have done my mother, and me, a bit of good!!

I brought my son up in what I would regard a much more normal way where he was exposed to all sorts of different behaviours from a range of different types of people. I even took him to a few daytime "raves" and festivals where he saw many intoxicated people! Shock horror!!! I always discussed this with him so he understood it and it never caused any issues at all. If fact has grown up to be way more well-adjusted than I am, and I am extremely proud of him and his achievements.

And, probably because he saw it while he was growing up and it is therefore no longer exciting or seems rebellious, he actually barely drinks, doesn't smoke, and doesn't seem to feel any need to take drugs either. He also doesn't have his judgy pants on when others do as one thing I did bring him up to be is non-judgmental.

So all you, I won't have a drink round my child people, watch out when your babes get to be teenagers!!

Mini did you miss the part about the OP not having any money to buy a coat for her child because of her husband's substance misuse? I personally would have a pint in front of my child but surely you agree that doing drugs in a child's playground is out of order.

Mini, people have different ideas about what is appropriate alcohol wise around children, personally I drink in front of mine and have even take them to festivals but that's not what this thread is about is it??? I can't believe anyone would condone someone sitting in a children's playground with a spliff and a can on a Sunday afternoon; it's just not on, I would either say something or leave and I think it should be judged. I've read the other thread; this man is in the grip of a serious addiction which he is in denial about and he's neglecting his child. I think she's living in an abusive home. It is so sad that the OP thought that this was a lovely family day because he didn't start drinking and smoking until midday. OP I really hope you can stop minimising the effect this is having on your DD and find the strength to leave.

Minimum, you definitely need to read the other thread (sorry i don't have the link). It's not just about having the occasional drink in front of the child, the DH is spending huge amounts of the family income on his illegal drug habit (I know there is debate about whether or not weed should be illegal, but the fact remains if the police caught him smoking in front of his daughter there would be a lot of trouble for that family). He spends so much the OP has to be really careful with household expenditures. She is worried about being able to afford her DD's Christmas presents. He is drunk/stoned EVERY day from around 4/5pm, so therefore unable to look after his DD then, she worries about secondary smoking (he smokes cigarettes indoors). He has said he will not change his behaviour.

That is very different I agree. My comments were more to do with the ridiculous (imho) comments related to never drinking in front of children and calling the police because someone is having a joint! Seriously! People really need to lighten up if that is there honest view. There is a lot more wrong in the world that you need to start getting uptight and worried about before that!

The abuse and drug addiction is of course a completely different matter. I would suggest that comments should focus on the OP getting out of an abusive and damaging situation and not those people who might have a glass of wine at a family BBQ! It's confusing the behaviour she is experiencing with normal behaviour and surely won't help her make the decision to leave.

*their

I'm so sorry, I'd judge harshly too. I'd be out of there as soon as I saw your DP smoking /drinking. I'd feel so sorry for your DC and I wouldn't expose my DS to that language /behavior & so would leave immediately.
I'm sorry, I know you're doing your best but that's my honest answer

Why oh why are you going to speak to HV? What will that achieve?

You need to make it clear to dp that smoking weed in front of a child, any child is not on. If dd is regularly swearing, the same. The beer doesn't bother me. But if it bothers you, same.

If it is true that dd is not getting what she needs ie a coat because of drug/drinks he needs to stop.

If he can't/won't then he needs to leave.

He also needs to seek help with depression, is the weed causing this?

I'd judge anyone who didn't judge you for that tbh.

Disgraceful behaviour from all parties involved.

I'm not going to lie, I would be very shocked if I heard a three year old saying "fucks sake, fucking hell", I'd feel sad for them as well.

Also if dad is smoking a joint and drinking beer at a children's playground in public, with the swearing above I'd be worried about what your child's life is like at home.

Honestly I'd be thinking omg what the bloody hell! Three year old swearing like that, disgusting. Father drinking and smoking weed at the park (and not realising how inappropriate that is) even more disgusting! I'm sorry but it's my honest opinion.

Interesting that a mum asking about boozing in the park was pretty much encouraged but there is so much judging about a father doing it?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2766201-To-drink-wine-in-the-park

Anyway. I would judge him for smoking the joint around kids. My sisters partner used to do that and it drove me crazy..he would smoke it in the kitchen when his daughter was sat feet away. Luckily my dad put a stop to that. He still smokes it but not around kids.

I do get a bit about kids swearing, however I often fuck up and swear if I hurt myself when my kids are here so there is probably a large chance one of them will come out with a 'shit!' or something before long. The pushing is normal and the point is you told her immediately.

From reading your other thread, it really doesn't seem you get anything out of this relationship at all and to me, your daughter is suffering. You said about not being able to buy her clothes because of the amount spent on weed. This is no good and you know it. You don't even have to split for good tbh. Tell him you can talk when he sorts himself out. That way you are not 'taking away the two things holding him together' or whatever it was as there is still a light at the end of the tunnel IF he sorts himself out.

Denial it's not just a river in Egypt.

What's happened to the op? Is it too hard to hear the truth?

I wouldn't judge for the swearing if it was reprimanded and you apologised for the pushing so that's no big deal, kids can be naughty and as long as it's being shown to them that it's not acceptable behaviour I would assume you were doing your best.
The father on the other hand, I would find it very hard not to judge. He's taking his kids to the park for what 30 mins/an hour, is it really hard to leave those things at home for that amount of time and bond and play with your kids? However, you're clearly trying to do something about it so after reading this I would have felt bad for judging but do think your OH needs a kick up the bum. Save the beer and joint for after the kids are in bed. Personally, I don't like either but that's not my place to tell people they shouldn't drink or smoke. It shouldn't be affecting the kids though.