How much would you judge this family at the playground?

[RedStripeLass]

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

You should be much much more afraid of him than HV and SS.

One person can only harm you and dd and ruin your lives. The others are support services who can help you.

Please stop lying for him and about him. This relationship is horrific for your dd and yes I would judge a 3 year old for swearing like that. I love a swear, I never ever swore around my dc at that age, there was never even any cause to because the environment around my small children was never full of the necessary undercurrent of aggression and tension required to produce swearing and because I have self control.

Addicts are often aggressive, they have poor set control.

There is so so much going on in your life that you have either been conditioned into seeing as fine or are just being wilfully blind to.

If you don't actually make a step towards changing the situation you will soon become as culpable as he is in the neglect of your child.

The thing is, OP, you SAY that your dd is a higher priority to you than your dh, but your actions don't reflect that. What your daughter needs is to be brought up in a safe, drug-free environment, away from your dh. But you are prioritising your feelings of love for your dh and your fear of upsetting him over your daughter's wellbeing.

That would be slightly more forgivable if you truly believed he was making an effort to change. But according to your comments on your other thread he has actually told you that he has no intention whatsoever of ever giving up the drugs. So what is stopping you from leaving?

I wouldn't judge, although I probably wouldn't use the park again as I would consider it not suitable for young children.

You say your DD smells of weed, it is probably in her clothes from being in the house where weed is smoked rather than her being with your DH while he smokes, as i presume he doesn't skin up in the same room? My next door neighbours smoke weed like other people smoke cigarettes. They have a one year old baby, and they sit in the front garden to smoke it, or in the back garden. Their house reeks of it, regardless of them not actually smoking indoors, and so does mine even if I don't open the windows. It's pervasive and I loathe it. Social services are monitoring but have put on the action plan that they must not smoke in the house - they aren't that worried about them being in charge of their baby whilst high. It's very sad.

OP I hope the HV is able to help you. The posters who said that SS will get involved and your DD may end up in foster care may be wrong, given the situation of my neighbours if their action plan is standard. But if SS do become involved and give you strategies to help your DH come off the weed, please encourage him to comply, for his own sake as much as your child. the weed and booze will make his depression worse and while he may be able to relax and forget his worries in the short term, the long term motivation may suffer and he could spiral into a worse place.

Good luck.

Any of my kid's friends are welcome in my house, as long as they are respectful and kind. But I am fairly picky about the homes they are allowed to visit and any sign of drug use and there'd be no way on earth they'd be accepting any invites. Don't think I'm unusual in that either. So not ostracization but not very nice for the child whose friends can't come round either.

Aeroflot. See where you are coming from. It was former home life. Father beat mother. I don't think autism. His mum is a ta now so she sees autism and the school never brought it up. But thanks for the info.

Oh right, instead of helping her, these nasty idiots treated her and her boy so appealingly. I would not want anything to do with any of them!

I thought I walked past a couple smoking weed in the park while their 4 year old was nearby in the play area. The child was in my daughter's reception class and if I'd been sure it was weed I would definitely have mentioned it to the school as I do think it's a concern about the child's home life. I wasn't close enough to be certain and I had my children with me so I left it.

OP you seemed to be gaining some insight on your other thread. Why are you minimising here?

this can't be easy for you. understatement of the year

To clarify my post: I wouldn't not want the child in my home because of the child, but to be frank, I wouldn't want people like that in my life in any way and so I would want to keep my distance.

As I said, I would never encourage my kids to remain distant from anyone. And I would never not invite said child to parties or whatever.

But I have found that regular play days for my kids over the years mean I've developed an acquaintance if not friendship with the parents.

And these people aren't people I would like to invite into my life.

someone just said he has always been addicted to and abused substances the whole time you have known him. You are only starting to feel a little uncomfortable now you child is already being ruined by it

have to agree with that and that is what is happening - your daughter is being 'ruined'

i'm afraid (and i'm pre-menstrual so you're either getting skewed thinking or just more honesty and less screening of my thinking) i'd judge you more than him in reality.

some people are just scumbags or losers - they're not worth the energy of judging. you just give them a wide berth and teach your children to do the same. then there are people who clearly could and should know better but choose to subject their children to said scumbag.....

basically the guy sitting in a kids playground drinking a can of beer and smoking a spliff is the child normal people keep their kids away from and teach to give a wide berth. that's normal, instinctive and sensible parenting.

this man other mums would instinctively protect their children from is the one you're daughter has to live with.

Just to throw this out there, weed is legal in some US states and others will be following suit on Tuesday.

I don't smoke myself and think a playground isn't an appropriate place to smoke or drink but some of you seem to view weed as bad as crack!

i'm blaming the appalling grammar and lack of coherence on the pmt too

To me Bummy weed is worse than crack

At least with crack, people know it's a bad drug

Weed is seen as a harmless drug with no side effects. People are happier to try it and it's minimised when used

Think I would find the swearing funny but would probably leave upon seeing your husband

Weed is totally different to crack.
I think they are in different classes surely. Isn't crack class A?
MN gets more interesting every day

Perhaps I haven't explained myself as well as I thought there Gizmo

Yes crack is worse when it comes to drugs

But weed is worse with usage.

As in more people are willing to try weed because everyone says it's not really a drug. They minimise the effects

Whereas people are much more cautious to use crack .

IYSWIM

I think what pp meant about weed v crack is weed is a far more significant social problem than crack which only a handful of hardcore addicts use.

Weed is ubiquitous and because of the police's hands off approach of going after dealers rather than users many people think it is not even illegal and so are fine with making little kids breathe it in on the way to school or in the playground or in their own homes.

X post.

You know what, yes I would judge this. I would feel sorry for the mum, but I would judge. The child swearing and being a bit boisterous, well if it was that on its own, I would be but I'd assume it was one of those things - even the most sheltered kids can pick up choice language.

But a beer and a joint along with it? In a park? Sorry, but that's horrible.

Thank you Offred

Much more eloquent

I will shout at anyone I see or smell smoking it.

If they were with a child I would call the police rather than shout because I'd think the child needed to be known in the system.

People commonly respond 'it's just a bit of weed' 'it's not illegal' 'kids don't know it is drugs unless you tell them'

Ok but what about your passive fucking skunk smoke that kids are breathing in?!

I wouldn't judge your child (kids pick up what their parents say, and pushing is normal behaviour). I'd feel sorry for you. I would judge the dad for choosing alcohol and drugs over spending some quality time with his family. And smoking weed in front of his child is bad enough, let alone in a kids playground - people would have been within their rights to phone the police and he could have got done for possession. As for alcohol, not wrong as such but v.v. odd to drink it in a kids park in the day in winter. Your 'D'P is making you into 'that' family.

So what are people's views on drinking?

Do you drink when your dcs are awake?

Where I live it's a lot more socially acceptable. As of Tuesday it will probably be legal in the state I'm in and when we go to parties parents will be smoking weed there. Away from the children but they still are. And this isn't one small 'dodgy' group of people, these are professionals, a few of whom hold local office or are high up in the medical profession etc.

As I said before I don't smoke myself, I'm just playing devils advocate.

I also think there is a huge difference in WHAT people are smoking. My Dad smokes local, home grown weed for his ms and it's a world away from some of the chemically enhanced skunks.

I think you have been really brave posting this message. I hope that seeing things how they really are will help u to make some decisions for you and your DD. And don't worry about Sw they are there to support a