How much would you judge this family at the playground?

[RedStripeLass]

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

No I don't drink when my children are awake

I might have the one on a rare occasion at a party for example but I'm talking once maybe twice a year

Yes, your family is the family I would be befriending (you red) and offering to have your dd round often whilst never allowing my dc anywhere near your home or your.

There is a family like this round the corner from me. Their son is 8 daughter is 13. When we knocked round to pick up son to take him trick or treating 13 year old was in the front with her friends drinking a can of fosters. Son told my eldest she had been grounded for stealing her mum's weed so had to stay in for Halloween.

I wouldn't give a shit how 'professional' someone was I wouldn't take my kids to a party with people smoking weed or getting drunk. Nothing mind altering.

I only drink in front of the kids at Christmas dinner

*your home or your h

Oh and there were about 20 adults inside. Kids all shivering in the front garden. Everyone pissed at 5pm on a Monday night.

I would also like to add that your DPs depression is not an excuse for his heavy drug use.

My DH had severe depression for quite some time after a series of horrific, traumatic events destroyed his life in weeks. At one point, he was unable to work as he could barely leave the house. Never in a million years would he have seen this as a go ahead excuse to crack open a can of beer in a children's park

In fact, of all the people I know with depression, I don't think it would occur to any of them

I think your DP is just grotty tbh. I hope you leave him. Get out of this horrible relationship and build you and DD a nice life

It doesn't have to be a fancy one. Just the sort of life where DD can have a new coat from Tesco that doesn't stink of weed. Trips to the library, Park, duckpond, where you aren't worried about people "judging"..... A normal life where you aren't desensitised to antisocial behaviour such as drug use in a children's play area, and where you don't worry about your three year old stinking of drugs

I thought I was bad but would never have smoked a cigarette let alone a joint in a childrens play park. Time and a place and all that.

First of all I think you're very brave for sharing this, so I can only judge you in a positive way for that.

None of us are perfect parents and we all make mistakes which can and do include occasionally slipping out the odd swear word and having the odd drink or letting our hair down in a way that reminds us of our youth from time to time.

What you're describing is a little different, and I think you know that deep down.

If I saw a three year old swear like that in a playpark I wouldn't judge but I'd be concerned. I'd be concerned that if three she's already been exposed to language like that to the extent that she repeats it so readily, then what else is she going to be exposed to. I'd be worried about what sort of boundaries existed in that household.

If I saw a dad behave like that I'd be shocked but also very concerned, again, about the welfare of a child and the sort of judgements that were made in that house. I'd question that man's commitment to being a parent, and I think reading between the lines you might be too.

I think you know that things aren't as you'd like them to be. But it's really hard to break out of entrenched habits and force some change. It sounds like you're ready to take that step and at three you've got loads of time to turn things around and have the sort of family life you believe your daughter deserves. Kids only get one shot at a childhood.

I know it's probably scary but I think you're right to approach it with your health visitor. She will point you in the direction of whatever support you need and is appropriate. I think she would see a mother eager to do the right thing by her child. It's better that you take the initiative and control with this because it may be a matter of time before someone else (including your health visitor) spots something like the swearing or the drug use and then decides to take action.

Good luck. You sound like a really decent person and a good mum.

PS apologies for the grammatical slurs there but hopefully the gist is clear!!

Yes I would judge, you look and behave like a typical problem family. Child is aggressive and foul mouthed, father is a disconnected addict/alcoholic, and mother is too codependent ("cos I luv 'im, innit") to put her child first and leave him so she rushes around being "capable" with her fingers in her ears and her hands over her eyes wailing "ohhhh but he's DEPRESSED"

Yes love, he probably is, but he's ALSO a useless piece of shit, and that's the problem, not the depression

" cos I luv 'im, innit""
is there something that indicates that the OP is illiterate or badly spoken?
I think not.

Ahhh but I WOULDN'T have spoken to her, for all the given reasons. SO I'd have ASSUMED she was illiterate and poorly educated because the only people with self esteem low enough to stay with a finacially abusive drug addicted alcoholic usually ARE poorly educated and illiterate. That's usually the reason they don't realise they have a choice!

Now I know the OP is educated and literate, I'm judging her too. She KNOWS this is a shitty situation

" the only people with self esteem low enough to stay with a finacially abusive drug addicted alcoholic usually ARE poorly educated and illiterate. "

not necessarily Colditz, not at all.

Like I said before

The OP needs to stop calling it self medicating and face reality that it's addiction

Not depression, which would be made worse with drugs and alcohol anyway

No, I agree, not always, but usually. I stayed with a financially abusive gambler for years, after all.

But like I say, I wouldn't have hung around to find out. I'd have legged it with my kids because NFW are they witnessing that behaviour.

What a fucked up visit to the playground....

Eesh... this is such a sad thread not least because of bummy's 'they are professional people' so it must be ok for them to smoke drugs around kids and now this 'people who expose themselves to this situation must be poorly educated and illiterate'...

This whole thing has nothing to do with how socially acceptable smoking drugs is or what kind of people people think smoke drugs. It is about the fact that substances like alcohol and weed alter your mental state and your behaviour. Drinking or smoking drugs around a child is therefore not a good idea.

Not being able to get through a day without alcohol and drugs when you are a parent is going to massively massively fuck up your child even if you are a lawyer or a classically stereotyped 'benefits scrounger'

You know what's worse though? That YOU thought this was a nice day.

How low do your standards have to be to make you think that watching your kid's dad get wrecked on drink and drugs is a nice day, just because it happened at the park?

I wouldn't judge the swearing, I wouldn't judge the pushing esp if parent had noticed it & was dealing with it.
I would judge the beer swilling & drug smoking in kids play park in the middle of the afternoon.
That's not ok

I would have judged him

Oh crikey. I would judge and run. Smoking dope in a kids playground? That's rank. And where on earth has such a young child learned the f word? OP I am very sorry this is your life and think you have been brave to post here.

I know you want honesty so...

Well done for posting, if you do something about this, actually change your pot daughters situation, then you are a brave mum who can put her child first. Well done.

If not....

Then you'll join the countless ranks of mothers who have let their child down but continuing to expose them to drugs, inappropriate alcohol use and language (and probably whole conversations) that get little ears shouldn't be hurting.

You'd deserved to be judged.

The swearing - bad but not uncommon.

The pushing - you stopped it, apologised, any child can go through a pushing stage. No judgement from me there.

The smoking drugs and drinking by the playground?

I'd judge the Dad for being a worthless piece of scum who doesn't deserve a little girl.

And I'd judge the Mum (that's you op) for letting your dd think that was acceptable behaviour by just carrying in as normal and not rescuing her from a shitty start in life.

*poor daughter not pot daughter

Did I say that?

I said it's socially acceptable for the most part where I am. I didn't say I agreed with it. Please read properly before quoting me on something.

I'd also be thinking thank god I left exh, he thinks nothing of sitting next to the park with a spliff and a can these days

He's not a bad person but he's an addict, thought nothing of spending most of his wage on weed. These days he's also a functioning most of the time alcoholic.

I left when ds was one, he hasn't had ds on his own at night for a very long time. Ds is now 14 and access goes through his gps.

You cant hide this sort of behaviour though, I've had phone calls from exh gf asking if dp will come and pick him up because he's fallen asleep in his dinner mid day while they've been out with all the dcs

He's gps live across the road from him and ds has found him a few times passed out on the pavement.

How the child is so well adjusted ill never know, he's won awards at school and pleaded with his dad not to drink or smoke before going to watch him accept them. He embarrassed him so much one parents evening that we no longer tell him about them

His new family and his gfs children are not doing so well, the arguing, drugs and alcohol are something they have to live with. All the dcs have had problems at school, the little one is 8 and his language is awful, ds hates going out with them all

Get out now, it only gets worse ime