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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much would you judge this family at the playground?

444 replies

RedStripeLass · 03/11/2016 10:21

Sunday afternoon. Family of three, Mum, Dad and daughter aged 3 arrive at a small, quiet playground. Within seconds she drops her banana and starts shouting loudly "fucks sake, fucking hell" etc .

Then she goes to get on the roundabout and a younger child about 1-2 ish tries to get on to. She screams and pushes him off saying "no babies" he starts crying and her mum apologises profusely, very embarrassed and tells her dd to apologise too.

Mum and daughter then go on to play happily in the playground whilst dad hangs back on the grass with a beer and a joint. Mum tries occasionally to get him to join in their games.

I'm ashamed to say this a snapshot of me and my family. After starting a thread elsewhere I've become increasingly worried about our family and am gearing up the courage to talk with our health visitor today but I'm very afraid that she'll escalate it.

Honest opinions please, would you judge us if you were at the playground that day?

OP posts:
Offred · 03/11/2016 19:57

My point was what exactly is the relevance that it is socially acceptable where you live or that the people who find it acceptable where you live are professional people bummy?

It doesn't matter one jot whether it is socially acceptable or the people doing it are not people's idea of what irresponsible parents look like (council estate scum). Smoking drugs and getting drunk around children is irresponsible behaviour. It shouldnt be socially acceptable and those people who do it and who take their children to parties where it happens should not be fooled by 'everyone does it' or 'they are professional people'.

Moominsarescary · 03/11/2016 19:58

Oh and we had to delete ds' fb last Xmas as his dad posted a video to his fb wall of women dressed as elves bouncing around on vibrators and apparently didn't even realise that's what it was.

Ds very rarely used it so didn't notice, first we knew was an irate phone call from my mum saying that gran had seen it.

JustSpeakSense · 03/11/2016 20:00

The fact that you have started this thread shows that you are a good mother, who will do what needs to be done for your DD.

Be her hero now and work towards a life that you are proud of. Nobody's perfect but as long as we are all doing the best we can then we are succeeding. Good luck.

SemiNormal · 03/11/2016 20:24

I've worried about either hurting his feeling or him getting moody so I haven't been that direct with him. - you are NOT responsible for him, his feelings, his mood. You ARE responsible for your daughter and her happiness and wellbeing.

Is there a way he could perhaps move back in with his parents for a few months while he tries to sort himself out? It's clear you don't want to leave him but could this be a compromise? You really do need to get tough with him and let him know that you won't put up with all this much longer.

slenderisthenight · 03/11/2016 21:52

the environment around my small children was never full of the necessary undercurrent of aggression and tension required to produce swearing

I think we have Supermum right here on this thread. Or possibly someone who hasn't had small children in a decade at least.

Munstermonchgirl · 03/11/2016 22:08

'Judging' as a term has such negative connotations, which is a shame because all it really means is: an emotional response to any given scenario. Everyone will respond somehow, so it's not as simple as some people judging and some people not.

My emotional response to the situation the OP describes would be 'poor child, she shouldn't be exposed to this.' I would also feel quite angry about the lack of respect shown by an adult boozing and smoking a joint in or next to a playground.

Offred · 03/11/2016 22:12

No slender. I just grew up in a house that was full of that kind of horrible tension and angry tension and swearing.

It is horrible.

I don't think you have to be even remotely close to supermum to not swear around little kids or not want to swear around little kids. I don't think anything little kids do warrants swearing as a result either.

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 03/11/2016 22:27

Yes I would judge and I would pack up and leave. Would also think poor kid Sad and if a local police officer was about I would also be pointing them in your 'd'h direction....

Mistletoekids · 03/11/2016 22:29

Yes absolutely
Drugs? and alcohol? In the day? In public? in a children's olaygroumd?

Cguk81 · 03/11/2016 23:05

If I witnessed someone drinking and smoking drugs at a kids park then I would absolutely judge them and leave immediately.

user1478213524 · 03/11/2016 23:08

Yes I would and would call the police for the drugs and drinking in a public place. Hopefully the kid would be removed so they could be placed in a loving home.

slenderisthenight · 03/11/2016 23:20

off When I have debated the merits of two identical pairs of socks for a full ten minutes with my five year old on five hours sleep with a roaring, fractious toddler pulling my pyjamas down and DH trying to have an adult conversation over the top of it all about repair men and cheques and something to do with the septic tank, and I look down to find that my toddler has entirely pulled my pyjamas down and lo and behold, the repair men are already in the house and clattering past the open door endeavouring to look the other way; meanwhile toddler has trundled off like Chairman Mao to wear his yoghurt like a hat and DD5 is taking off every stitch of clothing in protest about the socks...

When I realise there are fifteen minutes before we have to turn up at the school gate, all looking presentable and ready for the day...I really, really feel like opening the wardrobe door and saying Oh Fuck It All into my boot collection.

Not saying I do always but as far as I'm concerned, this is life and I am human and the whole young baby thing can feel like such a bad joke sometimes that an undercurrent of tension would be unremarkable even on really quite a good day.

If I was a drinking woman, I would have a drink about it all. Later, when I was alone and children could see. I would also try not to swear where they could hear. But I don't bat a hundred and that's that.

slenderisthenight · 03/11/2016 23:22

children could not see

slenderisthenight · 03/11/2016 23:23

Batting average between 40-60 in all honesty on thinking about it now...

Offred · 03/11/2016 23:37

I have four kids slender who are 7, 7, 10 and 11. At one point I had baby twins, a 3 and a 4 year old. It's not about not having small kids or being supermum. It's purely because I grew up with horrible grumpy volatile swearing and aggressive behaviour in my house and it was awful.

I am sensitive to people defending angry swearing around their children. Do not mean to imply it is always and without exception terrible parenting but equally for a 3 year old to pick it up and repeat it casually like that it is in all likelihood happening a lot more than some of the time.

Slippersandacuppa · 03/11/2016 23:38

I agree with Bacon.

I know two families further down the path than you. In the first, dad smoked weed every day, is foul to mum and the kids (early teens). Can't see that it's a problem and spends a fortune on his habit. He will never quit.

Second one is family of old family friends. Man and wife in their 60s. Professional man, living overseas, successful career - we used to spend a lot of time with them growing up. We found out a couple of years ago that he's an addict. They are now divorced, his children are on the verge of going NC with him. He has grandchildren may never see again. He has spent all his and her savings and he was stoned when he gave his first father of the bride speech. She is so sad that she covered for and stuck with him for so long. She says she wishes he'd set her free years ago 😢

So much unhappiness. So many sad, confused and angry children.

MiniMum97 · 03/11/2016 23:46

Children would have no idea he was smoking weed so I think that point is irrelevant. And also the drinking round children! Are you telling me that you've NEVER had a drink in front of a child! Not at a family BBQ, in a pub garden?!? Sorry but I think you are all hideously judgemental and that to me is way more offensive and depressing quite frankly than someone having a drink or smoking a joint. Play park or not.

MiniMum97 · 03/11/2016 23:48

And what's all this "drinking?" "In the day?" Shock horror! Wtf???? Never been and sat in a pub garden on a Sunday afternoon!?!?!?!

Offred · 03/11/2016 23:50

It doesn't matter at all whether children know what you are doing or not. Being under the influence whilst responsible for children is not responsible.

Spending the money for your child's clothes on weed is not responsible.

Never being sober around your child is not responsible.

And no, I don't take my kids to pubs except on a rare occasion when we are eating and I don't drink alcohol when I do.

If I want to drink at a family party I wait until the children go to bed or go home.

user1478213524 · 03/11/2016 23:51

MiniMum97

Drinking and being intoxicated in a public place is illegal, never mind the drugs.

Also a pub garden is not the same as a kids playground. No one wants illegal drug around kids.

Offred · 03/11/2016 23:53

In fact last time I went to a 'family pub' for a meal with my friend she invited her neighbour and he turned up pissed having driven his son there and immediately got a pint. He was so pissed he could barely stand at the bar to order another pint and his son was crying and begging him to get him something to eat and not to drink anymore.

We didn't even eat and I took his son home while my friend took his keys.

Domino20 · 03/11/2016 23:55

Wow, redstripelass, I think you have ended up with my ex?! Sorry about that!? He couldn't finish a sentance without swearing, drank every day and was so dependant on marijuana that he would even get up in the middle of the night to smoke a joint. We have been Non Contact for over 5 years. That type of behaviour is not suitable in front of children. Yes, I would judge and having made the choice myself to not allow my child to grow up thinking it's acceptable/normal, I would be wondering why you haven't done the same. If he wants to have a drink and get high, let him, but make sure yourself and DC are far away from it!

Offred · 03/11/2016 23:56

I don't like or get this drinking culture where it is ok to spend all Sunday drinking in the pub with the kids. Just why would you do it?

Can you really not manage without a drink?

I like a drink but I find it hard enough to concentrate on getting to the toilet and making conversation, I don't understand how anyone could manage to effectively care for a child/children while drinking and enjoy it. Well unless they are such a big drinker that they can sink a bottle of wine and not feel it.

DixieNormas · 04/11/2016 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Showmetheminstrels · 04/11/2016 00:04

How many more of these threads will you start red before you finally agree that your tiny daughter shouldn't be living with a drug addict and that you need to stop enabling him and get yourself and this small dependent child out of there?

Honestly, as so many of us said on your last thread; you're playing with fire here if someone reports it to SS.