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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be gushing and enthusiastic about their apologies?

390 replies

Shamalamalam · 01/11/2016 08:32

MiL and SiL have upset me quite a lot. MiL (not heard from SiL) has apologies, I've said OK. I'm not sure what else they want from me, but apparently it looks like I'm sulking.

To give a bit of background, I'm quite crafty - I love sewing, knitting, etc, and in my own family we give each other lots of handmade gifts. I know not everyone appreciates homemade gifts, so I've always just kept this to my own family, unless people have directly commented or outright asked me for something

Anyway, on Friday MiL sent out a group email asking if we knew what our plans were for Christmas.

MiL and SiL then emailed each other throughout the day, but have obviously done the classic error of "reply all" instead of just replying to each other, so I (and DH and half a dozen other family members) get a whole load of emails calling me smug, hoping they wouldn't get one of my crappy homemade gifts again this year.

MiL has rung and apologised. She obviously feels bad, but I don't think it's up to me to make her feel better.

OP posts:
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WombatChocolate · 01/11/2016 17:12

And yes to DH choosing their presents in future - some dull toiletry sets possibly! Dull and neutral is all they can expect now.
Disappointi g behaviour - you can at least know you have the moral high ground. Just keep it that way by not giving into temptation to react extremely and the shame they feel will be even more justified!

Bluepowder · 01/11/2016 17:22

I'd love a homemade gift. I get boots toiletry sets that have been bought the in the previous January from my sil. Obviously I have no personality.

DanyellasDonkey · 01/11/2016 17:33

I wouldn't accept their apologies - they're only apologising because they got caught out.

I never accept apologies from anyone for anything - they shouldn't have done what they did in the first place

pengymum · 01/11/2016 18:44

OMG ZippyNeedsFeeding! Hand knitted cashmere blanket put on dog's bed!( Swoons!) 😳
I'd have been more than narked! I'd have taken it back licketty split! That person does NOT like you! I'd never speak to them again either regardless of any apologies or relationship. Cashmere! (Swoons again)

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 01/11/2016 19:04

pengy, it was my mother, so you've got a point there- she really doesn't like me!

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/11/2016 19:17

I think you know that no reply (to all, or to them) is the only option (though Alwayschanging's is the best offering).

Anything else is just desperate/awkward/cringey/makes you look needy.

The SIL must be feeling so mortified, not to even have got in touch.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/11/2016 19:17

I think you know that no reply (to all, or to them) is the only option (though Alwayschanging's is the best offering).

Anything else is just desperate/awkward/cringey/makes you look needy.

The SIL must be feeling so mortified, not to even have got in touch.

TheTantrumCometh · 01/11/2016 19:20

I know a few people who make you feel bad if you're instantly overzealously happy as soon as they acknowledge a mistake. My DM included. You do then almost feel like you need to make more of an effort with them even though they're the ones in the wrong.

I think it stems from them just not knowing how to react when they've done something wrong and have to live with it. Fuck knows how to deal with them as I still haven't figured that one out

Weedsnseeds1 · 01/11/2016 20:08

There's some lovely things on the Facebook selling threads on here. Maybe treat them to one of those....

Hippee · 01/11/2016 21:24

It's really hard isn't it - so hard for you, with it being family. My "friend" texted me accidentally with a message slagging me off. Bizarrely, I am okay bumping into her and the intended recipient individually, but can't face any situation where I see them together. The trust is completely gone - will never think of them as friends again. Ironically they are both people who post the type of message on Facebook urging people to be kind to each other - I do get tempted to refer to the textgate incident in a comment. I think that people like this are extremely quick to take offence themselves and can't see that they should be doing a bit of moral housekeeping themselves Grin.

Rainbunny · 01/11/2016 22:31

I'd be honest OP, I'd make it clear that I'm not sulking, I simply want nothing to do with them. Nasty people! Why spend a second of your life dealing with them?

WashBasketsAreUs · 01/11/2016 22:54

I'm in the middle of making a knitted scarf out of maple leaves (individual leaves knitted and sewn together) It's something my daughter wanted me to make and it's talking ages! I've got a pattern for the leaves and I've made a few adjustments here and there, plus she has put in a few suggestions of what she would like me to do. The wool itself is not expensive but the time involved is huge.
If I put in the effort of making something (that was asked for! ) and heard someone slagging me and my work off I'd be livid.
I have a lovely pattern for baby hats, cardigans and boots that I make for friends and they have always been so well received. I'd be devastated if people thought I was "smug " for making them. I used to make them for the premature babies at the local hospital but as I've now got grandchildren and friends grandchildren I make them mostly for them now.

Personally speaking, I'd be getting them the shittiest present I could think of, how about a set of complimentary toiletries you get in a hotel? Or (you might have to keep this til next year) some out of date chocolates? Start buying them now! Or, or, or (I'm warming to the theme now! ) a book on how to knit so they can learn to knit their own blankets etc.
Bloody families, don't get me started on mine!

JunosRevenge · 02/11/2016 00:55

I've found the perfect gift for you to send them OP...

www.sendacow.org/

maninawomansworld01 · 02/11/2016 01:10

Tell them that you were hurt. Not so much by the comments but by the fact they obviously did it behind your back and it makes you uncomfortable now as you can't help but wonder what else they have been saying about you in the past.

Tell them you'll be leaving their presents to DH to sort out from now on so they can talk to him if they don't like their gifts.

Bet you a million pounds he forgets and panic buys them something crap a week before Christmas.
Enjoy watching them open it and feigning gratitude.

dibs1973 · 02/11/2016 03:13

I can understand your hurt and confusion, i recently found out that a number of people who i love and care about deeply have ripped my life to shreds whilst talking to each other. Only one knows that i know and is desperatetly trying to make up for the hurt caused and whilst i am trying to take the moral high ground and not withdraw completely for the sake of my child it is incredibly difficult especially as i am still expected to drop everything in times of crisis and love and console them when i feel so bitter that they couldn't address their issues directly with me and afford me the same respect i give them.

Leave the gift buying to hubby and continue to make your lovely handmade gifts for those you know will appriciate them x

NotYoda · 02/11/2016 06:02

She's not nice, or mature, is she

She needs to make you the bad guy - hence the "sulking" comment, because she isn't mature enough or emotionally intelligent enough to know that an apology is only one part of the process.

I suspect you won't get her to ever acknowledge this because she's had decades of being like this

Smellslikeoranges · 02/11/2016 06:31

What a horrible thing to happen. People like that are normally pretty bitch once someone's back is turned. Have you noticed that before? Also how do you get the feeling that your MIL wants something more on top of your apology?

Oblomov16 · 02/11/2016 06:42

Not everyone likes homemade gifts. Generally, I don't. I don't like the fact that everyone assumes people like them. Yes they are made with care and time, but if you don't like craft things, then you just don't, do you?

But I suppose this was a bit odd because you say it's only happened twice, with things they have actually asked for.

LadySpratt · 02/11/2016 06:52

Oh how rude of them, but what an insight into their true nature! Agree with others - you've said ok and it's not your duty to help them through their embarrassment.

There's a little Christmas panto style about this.....if only they were sisters, are they ugly?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/11/2016 07:21

Exactly Oblomov, they asked for them, then slagged op off! How nasty!

elQuintoConyo · 02/11/2016 07:31

A special mug should wing its way to both of them...

to not be gushing and enthusiastic about their apologies?
rollonthesummer · 02/11/2016 07:44

It's odd that they write hoping they wouldn't get another of your crappy homemade gifts this year, yet you have never given them a homemade gift? Is that right? You made mil a blanket she's asked for and sil a doll that she'd asked for? But were they presents?
Did they ask for them and you wrapped them up as a present?

What sort of presents do they buy you?

diddl · 02/11/2016 08:25

"'oh, I'd love something like that for my birthday'"

Perhaps they wanted a bought one rather than one made by you!

I agree with a pp that they think whatever you make should just be given & gifts bought.

Well, next time you make you or yourself something that they'd like, they'll just have to fork out or go without!

Will you be seeing them for Christmas this year?

I know that I wouldn't want to-or ever again tbh!

And I'd happily take on an accusation of sulking if it meant not having to see them!

mummyto2monkeys · 02/11/2016 08:29

I honestly am speechless at the level of nastiness involved here! The Waldorf doll would be forever treasured in this house (as would the blanket!)! I am absolutely blown over that you can make them to begin with OP! And you made a suitcase of clothes! 👑 I have handmade several things over the years in my quest to be a crafting Queen. The sheer amount of time/ effort and money that go into handmade items can only be fully appreciated by someone who is crafty themselves/ or is married or lives with someone who crafts! I can only imagine how hurt and embarrassed your dh is on your behalf! I think you have shown great dignity in your response and it certainly shows the true character of your in-laws. As a sister to two brothers, I would be absolutely over the moon to have such a thoughtful SIL! I am horrified that your SIL has declined to apologise for her appalling behaviour!

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 02/11/2016 08:42

From past experience of certain people in my family, I would suspect SIL's lack of apology to be down to the fact that from her POV Mil has apologised so SIL doesn't need to, and she'll be subscribing to MIL's notion that OP is sulking. After all, to actually acknowledge the hurt caused to OP would mean having to be mature about it.

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