Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be gushing and enthusiastic about their apologies?

390 replies

Shamalamalam · 01/11/2016 08:32

MiL and SiL have upset me quite a lot. MiL (not heard from SiL) has apologies, I've said OK. I'm not sure what else they want from me, but apparently it looks like I'm sulking.

To give a bit of background, I'm quite crafty - I love sewing, knitting, etc, and in my own family we give each other lots of handmade gifts. I know not everyone appreciates homemade gifts, so I've always just kept this to my own family, unless people have directly commented or outright asked me for something

Anyway, on Friday MiL sent out a group email asking if we knew what our plans were for Christmas.

MiL and SiL then emailed each other throughout the day, but have obviously done the classic error of "reply all" instead of just replying to each other, so I (and DH and half a dozen other family members) get a whole load of emails calling me smug, hoping they wouldn't get one of my crappy homemade gifts again this year.

MiL has rung and apologised. She obviously feels bad, but I don't think it's up to me to make her feel better.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
ChocChocPorridge · 01/11/2016 13:09

It's your MIL and SIL? Don't get them anything. Tell them that you and DP have split up the present buying and DP will be getting their presents from now on.

carefreeeee · 01/11/2016 13:16

They sound nasty. I doubt I'd forgive something like that ever. And I'm a very forgetful person generally. Even saying something like that is bad enough never mind writing it in a email.

They need to allow time to pass and I think they need to be a lot nicer about it - accusing you of sulking just proves they don't understand what the problem is. They need to keep on being repentant for a very long time.

I would absolutely prefer homemade presents as well.

Your behaviour sounds fine - just be polite to them and keep your dignity but they can't expect any more than that.

Lovelyideas · 01/11/2016 13:18

Just keep venting here till you forget about it. Families do worse than this. Unless you can follow the advice given earlier below but that's hard to carry off.

"I'd be tempted to take the extreme PA approach and call MIL up all cheery, saying 'DH said you were still feeling upset about those emails, MIL? Don't worry, I'd practically forgotten about them! Anyway, I just wanted to check that you weren't stewing over all that nonsense. Oh dear, someone's at the door - must dash, byeeeee.'

That will confuse her MASSIVELY. Double points if you can make sure DH is in earshot when you say it because then he'll be all 'Sham's FINE Mum, I heard her talking to you about it all. Why are you still making such a fuss?'

Then be FAR too busy with your new hobby of windsurfing/squirrel's rights activism to have any time at all for present buying grin oh dear, had to delegate to DH. #"

Aeroflotgirl · 01/11/2016 13:20

You were polite considering what they had said about you, and that they think you are smug, how would they expect you to react ffs! If they had any modicum of sense, they would realise, that it takes time, and to give it time. Where is SIL apology then! They are not sorry, only sorry they got caught out, and did not have their eye on the ball.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 01/11/2016 13:21

They should be puckering up about now, and getting ready to kiss your backside!

Waltermittythesequel · 01/11/2016 13:22

newyorker, I don't think your MIL should have been rude but I wouldn't give someone a photo of themselves. I think that's a bit weird. Photos for display should be something that someone chooses themselves!

starsorwater · 01/11/2016 13:24

Yes, maybe you should apologise. Say how sorry you are to have disappointed them all these years. Ask them to chose presents for each other on your behalf in future, them having such good taste and all. Set a reasonable budget (say 50p) but make clear you are prepared to go hungry, slash present buying for dcs. if more is needed. Ask how you can appear less smug.

Creampastry · 01/11/2016 13:25

Never ever ever make them anything ever again.

YuckYuckEwwww · 01/11/2016 13:35

I'd be tempted to take the extreme PA approach and call MIL up all cheery, saying 'DH said you were still feeling upset about those emails, MIL? Don't worry, I'd practically forgotten about them! Anyway, I just wanted to check that you weren't stewing over all that nonsense. Oh dear, someone's at the door - must dash, byeeeee.

Brilliant!

eddielizzard · 01/11/2016 13:52

ignore the 'sulking' comment. it's borne out of embarrassment / guilt. she wanted to probe your dh about how you were about it all.

thing is, it's all a bit sneery. so for me things would never be the same again.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/11/2016 14:04

I don't agree that to be dignified you have to be silent.

I would email MIL and SIL and copy in everyone else. I would say "I can assure you I am not a smug person and am very deeply upset that you think this of me. You are quite wrong. I'm sure you'll understand that I want to have nothing more to do with you both from now on. I have thought about it and actually you are not forgiven (not that SIL has even made any sort of apology whatsoever)."

You don't have to forgive them for this if you don't want to! I bloody wouldn't.

BeMorePanda · 01/11/2016 14:08

Reply to All: "Sorry you think I'm sulking and should get over it. I've reported you to Santa now so I'm just fine thanks."

then give them coal on Xmas day.

StrangeLookingParasite · 01/11/2016 14:36

Nasty horrible bitches, very glad they got found out, frankly.

a hamper of homemade goodies - a small Christmas cake, chocolate truffles, biscotti, jam, chutney, orange, white chocolate and cranberry shortbread

Oh this sounds wonderful, sugarmice. Your stepmother is quite mad.

Original poster
Shamalamalam · 01/11/2016 16:07

Thanks all.

Sorry, have been caught up at work this afternoon so not been back on until now.

Someone a few pages back asked if I'd only given them stuff they'd asked for - yes. They have either outright asked, or said 'oh, I'd love something like that for my birthday'

MiL's had a few bits,

With SiL, I've never actually made her anything anyway. Only a doll for her DD

DH has another sister and a brother - all have asked for stuff over the years.

Thinking about it, I think it's as someone said above - they expect the handmade stuff as a freebie and still get a gift as well. MiL uses the blanket - she keeps it on her sofa, SiL's DD loved the doll.

I don't suppose I'll ever get an apology from SiL

Anyway, Christmas is weeks away and I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamalamalam · 01/11/2016 16:08

And yes, DH will most definitely be doing the present buying for his lot in future

OP posts:
Original poster
Shamalamalam · 01/11/2016 16:12

Oh, and the 'smug' thing seems to be because of a photo my DD posted to Instagram.

We were battling our way through her half term maths homework and it was hell on wheels so I made 'freak shakes' - all singing, all dancing 2000000 calorie milkshakes made from icecream, with whipped cream and a tonne of sweets, sauces, melted chocolate, etc.

DD posted a pic of it on Instagram. Strange thing to get so infuriated about, but there you go

OP posts:
DotForShort · 01/11/2016 16:14

What thoroughly unpleasant people they sound. I agree that MIL's comment about you "sulking" was her guilty conscience speaking. If she has any decency, she knows she was 100% in the wrong. She can't really deflect any blame to you, try as she might.

In your shoes I certainly would never make anything for them again, even if they asked directly. And I agree with the plan to delegate all responsibility for MIL's and SIL's gifts to your husband.

The things you make all sound lovely BTW.

Alwayschanging1 · 01/11/2016 16:20

To be honest, I think you probably knew they were like this anyway - it's hard to keep up a front for 25 years.
I would be tempted to say something like " Oh, don't worry about it - after all these years I know what you guys are like . Seeing it in writing was not exactly a big shock to me."

Mix56 · 01/11/2016 16:42

What about joint email reply/
Dear family "Please don't request "crappy" craft items if you don't really want them, I can sell blanket/doll for £200 on Etsy.
I would prefer to use my time on people who like my creations.
& fuck the lot of you

SpookyPotato · 01/11/2016 16:47

I'm known as pretty easygoing and don't let much bother me, but this is awful. I'm not sure I could have a lovely natural relationship with them anymore as I would always be wondering what they really think of me.. It would be civil all the way now. I love how homemade = smug!

SeaEagleFeather · 01/11/2016 16:50

Don't make an effort in future, treat them with politeness and don't take them and any comments they make seriously, compliment or insult .... You have a better picture of what sort of people they are, now.

But don't get rude or involved in tit for tat. It's not worth going nuclear over, just keep it to outward politeness in future.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 01/11/2016 17:00

Honestly OP it sounds like jealousy and I'm not saying that just to make you feel better!
Especially with regards to the milkshake thing that your DD posted on Instagram. You sound like a fun, creative person and you do creative stuff with your kids. Most people would think it's great even if it's not what they're into themselves. It's insecure people that would feel jealous over it and that's displayed itself as bitchiness. That's what the 'smug' comment's about.

Don't worry about it, they've made themselves look like twats and they know it. You're doing the right thing leaving your DH sort their presents out from now on, carry on being civil and friendly but don't put yourself out for them anymore. They've displayed their true colours and shame on them.

WombatChocolate · 01/11/2016 17:05

Oh dear. Can see that was horrid for you and embarrassing for them.

You've acknowledged the apology and that is sufficient. You don't need to be effusive, but equally you dont need to rub their noses in it either. So, keep calm and carry on. Dont go out of your way to see them or suck up to them due to accusation of sulking....but equally dont give them the cold shoulder either but maintain normal relations - basically rise above it. In itself this maintains your moral high ground and doesn't give them the scope for trying to turn it back on you. No doubt they are horribly embarrassed as they should be.

Dont take sucki g up action to avoid the mention of sulking....but also dont sulk and absolute!y do t seek revenge with passive aggressive gifts this Christmas. Very small neutral gifts required. Remain quietly dignified...not silent.....it speaks louder than anything.

mygorgeousmilo · 01/11/2016 17:08

I would reply all too.... something smart and snippy

The80sweregreat · 01/11/2016 17:08

Thats awful - i would love a homemade gift! They are being ungrateful and rude. Poor you. No real advice, but i wouldn't bother buying them anything ever again.