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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

WamBamThankYouMaam · 01/11/2016 05:29

I think you're being slightly unreasonable.

I know the clock and I wouldn't put it on any of my walls because to me it's very corporate, and just isn't what I'd want. I'd feel very uncomfortable if someone had spent that much money on something that I really disliked because I'd feel pressured to display it.

I like design. Because I like design I hate anyone giving me anything home related, because I have my own taste.

Liking Scandinavian design doesn't mean you like or know every aspect of it.

I'm fairly sure if you Google Arne Jacobsen (and it is Arne, not Aarne) clock to see what it is, you'd get a shopping result at the top of the Google page, so doesn't necessarily mean someone has purposely gone to see how much it is.

It's been 6 months, you took a risk with the gift.

Yakitori · 01/11/2016 05:29

He's clearly not as much of a design enthusiast as he has made out. Anyone who professes to be 'into design' who then goes and buys you a shitty elephant cushion is on Planet Bullshit. He's probably watched The Bridge and been to IKEA for some Billy bookshelves and now ponces about saying he's a Skandi buff.

You see, I'd probably say words to that effect to him. Glad I'm not dating.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 01/11/2016 05:32

Return it, keep the £200 for yourself and buy him one of those digital colour changing alarm clocks off eBay for 99p.
Stick that 'tech' in your pipe and smoke it. Ungrateful git.

whattodowiththepoo · 01/11/2016 05:32

Wow I have only read the first page of the thread and I'm surprised, to me his reaction shows he trusts you and wants to be honest.

Kokosjumping · 01/11/2016 05:39

I really don't think being "honest" about the gift is what this man did, he was fucking rude about it if you ask me

HerBigChance · 01/11/2016 05:56

Yvaine nails it for me.

Yes, honesty is important, but so are good manners. He sounds greedy and socially inept. I've been on the receiving end of a similar response to a present and I should have taken it as fair warning of what a knobber he'd turn out to be.

Bagina · 01/11/2016 06:05

You say discerning, I say rigid, inflexible, ungrateful snob

I think this sums it up for me. He's potentially a type. Hyper critical. Will he start to be critical generally?

Anyway, definitely do not buy a replacement gift. How could you now??

You have to mention the cushion, seeing as you're both being honest...

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/11/2016 06:09

"I don't see how a clock can be 'you' or 'not you'. its a clock. its for telling the time. unless you live in a time and space where you need to not tell the time."

Well, there are some seriously naff clocks out there. I, for one, don't like cutesie animal-shaped clocks - they are very much "not me" (but then I don't like cutesie ANYTHING). I also don't like high-tech clocks with no numbers on the face - I don't have a lot of high tech modern stuff, so again, "not me".
"Me" stuff would be classical clocks that actually look like and are shaped like clocks.

Yes they are all functional - but some I wouldn't give house room at any price.

user1471545174 · 01/11/2016 06:24

Say OK I'll have it back then, please - I'd like it myself. Oh and have your cushion back, it doesn't go with my Scandi decor, OK?

If you are still a couple after that, ONLY exchange tokens and never share property!

Giselaw · 01/11/2016 06:24

OP, you spent £200 on this. Which looks like it was designed to be - a wall clock in a bank.

It's been copied to death now, like many of the designer's other pieces and become almost ikea-ish in how common it is.

I think he's deeply embarrassed you spent so much on something so not him and you're deeply embarrassed you got it so wrong when you put so much thought and effort into it, and thought you got it spot on.

Save your money, go have lovely drinks together and dust yourself off.

Once you both stop being so embarrassed, you will be able to see the funny side and he will be more appreciative of the thought you put into it.

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

user1471545174 · 01/11/2016 06:27

YvaineStormhold your posts are always such a joy

PlumsGalore · 01/11/2016 06:30

This is so rude, to be honest I would have told him the reason behind the purchase and apologised for him not liking it then finished off with "what possessed you to buy me a shitty elephant cushion, thank god i can get rid of it now"

SparkyBlue · 01/11/2016 06:32

On the 40th birthday thing I recently had mine and to be brutally honest and I know I sound ungrateful but I got tons of jewellery that will sit forever in their boxes and they are just not to my taste. Actually apart from my wedding ring and a plain watch I don't like wearing jewellery at all so I was fairly disappointed with the amount of stuff I got especially when I think of how much it cost people as some of it wasn't cheap for example I got two pairs of expensive earrings and I don't have pierced ears(well I did but the holes have now closed over). In some ways I admire your boyfriends honestly. It's so disappointing especially as you felt you had picked something really special for him.

topcat2014 · 01/11/2016 06:35

What a miserable stuck up bastard - and I'm being generous.

But then I am someone (male) who refuses to follow the media agenda that all men are in to stuff & gadgets. Not a forest dweller or anything, just can't see the point.

Agree, get the refund and keep it - at least until after you next have a birthday and see what you get.

Me - I just ask for a card. Home-made card from DD is the best.

Trifleorbust · 01/11/2016 06:40

How very rude. Take it back and replace it with something for a tenner.

Fluffybrain · 01/11/2016 06:40

This would sound alarm bells for me.

How does he treat you? Is he critical of you in other ways? Does he make decisions about what you do and when? Does he look down on your tastes and interests? Does he make jokes at your expense and say he is only teasing but it hurts your feelings? Do you feel 100 % comfortable in his company?

Look out for these things. Trust your instincts.

ChuckGravestones · 01/11/2016 06:45

If someone 6 months in bought me a £200 clock id want them to take it back too. I dont think my partner has ever spent that on me in 12 years. Nor would i want him to.

The OP hasnt necessarily said he wants the money spent fully on the replacement present, it aounds as if he would be happier with a £20 gift instead. So take it back and get him something more appropriate for a 6 month relationship. And keep the change.

Giselaw · 01/11/2016 06:47

To the boyfriend

This would sound alarm bells for me.

How does she treat you? Is she critical of your opinions or in other ways? Does she make decisions about what you should like, informing you what is considered classic scandi design and pressuring you to spend money you can't afford on purchasing things you don't like or need?

Does she look down on your tastes and interests? Especially when they differ from hers?

Does she make small remarks at your expense and say she is only trying to share her enthusiasm for scandi designers but it hurts your feelings?

Do you feel 100 % comfortable in her company?

Look out for these things. Trust your instincts.

For fucks sake.

shovetheholly · 01/11/2016 06:47

This sounds really controlling! It's not the fact he didn't like the gift (we all have individual taste and anyone can get it wrong) but the way he has raised it with you - and the fact that he's made you feel like you failed some kind of relationship 'test' in the process. Your taste has been put to it, and found to be wanting. Be careful that this doesn't start to set up a situation where he is the sole arbiter of taste and you can't bring a single thing into the house without his approval.

For Christmas, if you're still together, just ask him what he wants and buy it. Stop making the running, and don't give him further opportunities to criticise and undermine you.

elodie2000 · 01/11/2016 06:49

He sounds like too much EFFORT
Relationships shouldn't be like this OP.
Take the clock back and don't mention a replacement gift.
Do not buy him a replacement gift.
In fact don't buy the pretentious hipster another gift again, ever.

oleoleoleole · 01/11/2016 06:53

To be honest I admire him

He's realised what a lot of money you've spent and wants to return it as he doesn't like it. I'd feel awful keeping something I didn't like knowing how much had been paid for it. I think it takes a certain amount of balls and risk to do what he's done but honesty is the best policy and I'd see it as him feeling he knows you well enough to be honest with you.

As an aside my husband and I have been together over 15 years and I still can't choose certain gifts for him, clothes being one as we have such different tastes.

Don't take it personally. I think you've got a keeper!

FallenSky · 01/11/2016 06:54

Now DH and I had been together around 6 months on our first Christmas together. He bought me a very expensive gold chain and bracelet set. I thanked him profusely and wore it all Christmas day. It then went in to my jewellery box and only worn once in a while when he'd mentioned it. I'd never told him and he obviously hadn't noticed that I never ever wear gold jewellery. Just don't like the look of it on me. My birthday came around the next year and I again got gold jewellery. I decided at that point I needed to tell him I didn't wear gold as I could see it becoming a regular thing for him to spend money on and I didn't want him to keep wasting money on something I wasn't going to use. We've been together a very long time now and we've both sussed out what the other would like as a present and I haven't had anything gold since that first year. I should have told him to start off with really because my profusely thanking him and wearing it and proclaiming how much I loved it would obviously make him think that, well, I loved it. No point sending mixed signals.

However, if your bf does indeed want you to return it and spend an equal amount on something of his choosing then I would be really annoyed. I don't see anything wrong with you returning it but don't feel like you have to then go and spend £200 on a tech item or whatever.

SpunkyMummy · 01/11/2016 07:06

That is rather rude.

On the other hand, if he really did not like it... let's just assume you guys stay together. if he lied about this you might continue to spend money on things he doesn't even like, maybe that's why he said something?

Idk. If everything else is great in your relationship then that wouldn't be a reason to dump him, imo.

Sosidges · 01/11/2016 07:09

I am going to go against the grain here. He received a gift he did not like. There was no way he was going to display it in his home. When you visited and saw it was not displayed, you may have asked about it. Cue, embarrassment all around as he explained.

Instead, he bit the bullet and told you the truth, which I think is admirable. It probably evidence of the strength of his respect and feeling for you, that he could be honest. As to looking up the price. Maybe he intended to hide it away, but once he realised its worth felt this was unfair to you.

I too have made the mistake of buying gifts for people's home and getting it wrong, even after a long acquaintance. Try to look on the positive and don't throw a relationship away, just because he was a bit insensitive in how he handled it.

SpunkyMummy · 01/11/2016 07:12

Sorry I don't think he wanted it exchanged necessarily, he just said I should return it. I worked out he'd looked up the price as he kept saying it was expensive, and I thought how would you know?! So I asked him and he confessed he'd checked. He said he didn't want me spending that on him, that he just wanted to be with me for the weekend and he didn't need gifts.

That actually sounds rather adorable.

Maybe he looked up the price and realised that he didn't want you to spend this much on something he didn't even want?

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