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Original poster

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 01/11/2016 07:13

Missvictoria Dh bought me a clock for Christmas one year to go on the chimney breast above the range in the kitchen. It has adorned 2 other kitchens since then, and will go back to the original spot when we move back to the UK. It reminds me of home.

sandgrown · 01/11/2016 07:13

My gut feeling is that he was uncomfortable with the amount of money you spent on something he may not use. He was clumsy in the way he told you but if he is good in other ways keep him. Return the clock and wait until you are out and he sees something he would like then if you want to you could treat him. My DP is awful at receiving presents. I have to remind him to look grateful and not make thoughtless comments! To be fair he does always say he does not want anything.

Ragwort · 01/11/2016 07:15

I tend to agree with oleo - I think he was probably hugely embarrassed that you spent so much money on a birthday present (and no 'everyone' doesn't buy expensive gifts for 40th birthdays).

I think he has been honest, which is difficult. I would return the clock but certainly don't offer him the £200 or give him the cash - just don't. If his reaction is 'can I have the £200 to buy something techy with' - then that would be a very rude response.

Also like Oleo - my DH and I have been married nearly 30 years but still don't 'get' each other's taste - we long agreed not to buy each other gifts Grin.

Liiinoo · 01/11/2016 07:18

To be fair to the boyfriend he did accept it graciously so the OP had her moment of pleasure. It was later that he let on that he wasn't actually that keen. And fair play to him for being honest - those clocks are expensive. That would be lot of money to have shoved in a cupboard or hung on the wall when he doesn't care for it, it would be a terrible waste.

I understand why the OP is disappointed,,it is always sad when you think you have got something ideal and realise you were very wrong. Equally it is hard to receive something that means the giver has misjudged you. (A very close friend once gave me a shopping journal. WTF? But that was a tenner or so wasted not hundreds of pounds). What I don't understand people thinking this is a deal breaker. Surely if they are compatible in other ways then a couple of misjudged gifts very early in the relationship are just part of the getting to know you process. It might be they will never be a couple who get it right for each other. My DH is rubbish at both giving and receiving gifts so we have pretty much given up on trying to find the right thing and just buy what we want and say thank you to each other. It's not ideal for me as I would love a wonderful surprise every now and then, but it's not a deal breaker.

CaoNiMao · 01/11/2016 07:18

Is he Chinese? Clocks are very unlucky gifts in Chinese culture. They symbolise the ticking away of time until death...

SheldonCRules · 01/11/2016 07:18

It's a no win situation for him, if he follows etiquette and lies he'll be forever receiving similar gifts he doesn't like.

If he's honest and doesn't want to waste £200 on something he won't use or dislikes he's called ungrateful.

Liiinoo · 01/11/2016 07:21

PS. I also think that after a decent interval the elephant cushion should suffer an irretrievable cup of tea accident. Then as it is laid to rest the OP can tell the DP that not to worry, she wasn't that keen on it anyway. Otherwise that could set the theme for many more elephant/cushion type gifts.

ShotsFired · 01/11/2016 07:23

Spending £200 on a clock that looks like it cost £5 from Staples is one thing.

But spending £200 on a present for a guy you have known 6 months is quite another. Unless you are both extremely wealthy and this is pocket change, it all seems a bit much.

Maybe that is where his reaction comes from - a design classic it may be, but it does look like it belongs in a bank, and the fact you spunked so much money on something so early in the relationship. I'd be running for the hills! He may have worded it badly but I think he was trying to be kind and not have you waste your money.

DamePastel · 01/11/2016 07:24

That sounds like my x. He used to get annoyed by gifts I'd tried hard with!! When it was my turn and he'd given me a cookery book Hmm I would just say ''oh thank yooooooo!!"

Like you say, it seemed to anger him that I hadn't read his mind and got him something he wanted, which wasn't easy. he just bought himself whatever he wanted.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 01/11/2016 07:26

On the fence here.

Left hand says he should have been grateful, the clock itself is not the point, the point is that you took time and effort to choose something for him, he's thrown that back in your face.

Right hand says that its a very very expensive gift after only a short dating period and he's right to want to return it and use the money on something else. He didn't set out to offend and I'm sure he's tortured himself as to whether to say anything or not.

Mix56 · 01/11/2016 07:34

I'm with Yvaine. I would take it back (or keep it ) & give him nothing. He has said a w/e with you is enough.
if he brings it up, "Shall we go & choose my present", I would explain & gift refused, is just that.
You thought hard about it, you spent a fortune on it, & he said, "what would he do with a clock"
Doesn't sound that nice to me.

LondonRoo · 01/11/2016 07:39

Personally, I think it's rude and ungrateful to act how he has. However, I can also see the flip side which is that when he realised you had spent a lot of money he wanted to be honest with you.

The more important issue is that his behaviour has been hurtful to you... The question in my mind now isn't about the clock, it's whether he is able to recognise you're hurt and take steps to repair the damage. Have you told him how you feel?

Roo

DamePastel · 01/11/2016 07:40

I think the only way to get away with the ''didn't want you to waste your money on something I didn't like'' defence is to bring the item back and buy something for them!

carpskk · 01/11/2016 07:41

I like it, wish someone had bought it for me!

Sounds like he handled it clumsily. I would give him another chance but don't spend much £ next time. You need to make sure he's not a w*nker somehow... ?

Spend some of the money - not all of it - on a nice meal out and leave it at that.

Jinxxx · 01/11/2016 07:44

Do you not think that his comment about being into tech might have been an explanation of why he didn't have a use for a wall clock? If he always has his phone or Apple Watch with him, and maybe a dozen other electronic devices around his home, all displaying the time, why would he want a clock? I also think enjoying Scandinavia design doesn't mean you have to like every design by every designer. Or you might appreciate the design without wanting to own the item. I would cut him some slack. Confessing that he doesn't want the clock might have been hard, and he might not have done it very skilfully, but not wanting you to have wasted your money, and possibly heading off possible future gifts in similar vein, do seem to me to be kindly meant.

SharingMichelle · 01/11/2016 07:45

I really really want to see the elephant cushion.

Roussette · 01/11/2016 07:50

I'm like oleo and ragwort, even though I've been married 30 years, we don't bother much with presents because early on I would have been like you OP and my DH would have stuck whatever it is in a drawer! He's clumsy at accepting presents TBH but that doesn't make him an arse!

OP I think your boyfriend sounds great. Honest and although he might have been clumsy too, he wants to be with you and isn't so worried about having money spent on him. The fact you say you really liked the clock says it all. You really liked it. You were delighted with your choice (it bought into the scandi thing and the finance thing) but it's not you receiving the present, it's him and how refreshing that he realised you'd spent a lot on this and he was honest enough to tell you it wasn't to his taste.

I am just laughing at the thought of giving something like a wall clock to my DH, I can see his face now - it would be puzzlement, followed by anxious thinking, followed by a smile - all whilst searching his brain for what to say.

Some people just aren't into 'stuff', accept him for how he is.

The word "controlling" seems to come up on every thread about every man. Don't get it. Since when is honesty controlling? If that's the case my DH is very controlling, he says what he thinks and I like that about him!

SoupDragon · 01/11/2016 07:52

Sorry I don't think he wanted it exchanged necessarily, he just said I should return it. I worked out he'd looked up the price as he kept saying it was expensive, and I thought how would you know?! So I asked him and he confessed he'd checked. He said he didn't want me spending that on him, that he just wanted to be with me for the weekend and he didn't need gifts.

People need to read as far as this.

I don't think he sounds horrible at all.

ChuckGravestones · 01/11/2016 07:52

He said he didn't want me spending that on him, that he just wanted to be with me for the weekend and he didn't need gifts.

Personally, I think it's rude and ungrateful to act how he has.

I don't think the approach was ungrateful...I think he was more than appropriate bearing in mind they have been together 6 months! A £200 clock that he won't use because he is into tech is a total waste of money.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/11/2016 07:53

I spent 10 years being polite about expensive gifts that weren't to my taste because I didn't want to be ungrateful. In the end I totally forgot what I did like. There is no way I would ever do that again, ungrateful or not.

It's a good reason why gifts at the early stage of the relationship really should be much smaller.

At 6 months and overly expensive gift that I hated would send me into a tailspin too. I doubt I would have handled it with any more grace than he did. It's too much money and too distinctive to say thank you and for the object to just disappear in a few weeks. but if I really didn't like it and I had to display it, I'd have resented both it and the giver. a fifty quid present you can tolerate and admit you dislike it later; unless the OP is a millionaire who can drop a couple of hundred quid without noticing a £200 quid gift says it's something the giver feels is really special and last a long time. I'd want that £200 to go into something I felt the same way about.

I wouldn't dump over this.

And how rude of other posters to be disparaging his taste. Just because you like a specific stype doesn't mean you are going to like everything in that genre.

Roussette · 01/11/2016 07:54

Totally agree Soup. On my DH's big birthdays I used to keep on that I want to get him something special, and he always says he doesn't want money spent on him, he's happy as he is. Why should he pretend otherwise?

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 07:55

I'm particularly fussy about my home, I have a lovely friend who over the years has given me gifts that I loath. I end up putting them somewhere they can't be seen, I'm sorry but I don't buy into the it was a gift from someone you like and therefore you should love it ethos. Every time she comes over I feel slightly uncomfortable that the lamp/picture/ornament are conspicuous by their absence. I wish I has the courage to be honest and say I don't like them. I hope she's never spent £200 if I suspected a gift did cost that much I think I would have to say something.
Is it possible he googled the clock because he was disliked it (frankly I'm with him on that) and was going to suggest you swapped it for another one then found out how much it cost, shocked and embarrassed (which is perhaps why he worded it rather clumsily) that you'd spent so much he felt he just had to say something, and then suggested something techy to help you,. In the same situation I would like to hope I would have done the same with my friend I would have suggested flowers.

Inertia · 01/11/2016 07:57

I think he is being grabby to expect you to take it back and demand you let him choose his own tech present with your money. Perhaps put the money towards the weekend away instead.

girlwithamoonandstaronherhead · 01/11/2016 07:58

I would be upset as you are but then again I can why he decided to be honest. Perhaps he didn't want your money to be wasted and also to lead you down the wrong path in terms of his taste?

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 01/11/2016 07:59

Take it back from him, return it for a refund and then give him a £20 Argos Voucher in a lovely box.