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Original poster

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:40

It was £200, I wouldn't normally spend that much but I couldn't decide what to get him and it was his 40th

OP posts:
GiddyOnZackHunt · 31/10/2016 23:43

It's tricky when somebody buys you something you really don't like to be on permanent display in your house and they're frequent visitors. You can't say thank you and quietly get rid or just get it out when they come for an annual visit.
It's a shame that you're now feeling you aren't as in tune as you thought you were :(
Still you can put the cushion on eBay now :)

AgathaMystery · 31/10/2016 23:45

If it's the clock I think it is then it's total marmite.

That said it's a timeless (ha) classic & he was very lucky to receive it! You sound super thoughtful.

IMissGrannyW · 31/10/2016 23:46

Good manners and consideration are more important than discerning taste.

With presents from the office or an acquaintance and from most friends, yes - I agree. By your DP? They're the ones that get to know and love you the best. My DH has a bit of a "thing" for high heels. He'd probably like to buy me ridiculous heels for every birthday, christmas and anniversary present. I'm glad I quashed him on that one early on in our relationship. It was about him not me.

I think you're supposed to be honest with your partner. You can be polite and kind about it. But if what you really, really REALLY want is (say) a beauty treatment and they buy you a photo frame you hate, a book you'll never read, a box set for a series you aren't interested in, isn't it just better REALLY early on in the relationship (as this one is) to say, "actually, what I love is xxx"?

I think manners are incredibly important. But I think honesty with your life parter is important too.

FaithAscending · 31/10/2016 23:46

I had an ex like this. Impossible to buy for, never said thank you. Was totally rude to his parents when they'd bought him a gift from abroad (no way to return it). He genuinely said they should just have given him the cash! I put loads of thought into his Christmas presents and they were shoved in a drawer Hmm I dumped him. It was the first indicator of the knobber he turned out to be.

I would tread carefully with this bloke, that's a lot of money to spend. He's rude to be so ungrateful.

HeddaGarbled · 31/10/2016 23:49

No, you are not being unreasonable at all. I think he has been rude and insensitive. You say discerning, I say rigid, inflexible, ungrateful snob. As you say, he bought you a cushion which was not to your taste, but you didn't tell him that it wasn't to your taste because a) you didn't want to hurt his feelings and b) you appreciated the thought behind the gift. If he can't do the same for you, you need to think carefully about whether you have the inherent self-esteem and strength of character to face a life of feeling like you have to strive to please him and worrying about not quite being up to his standard. The occasional satisfaction of his approval may not make up for all the times he makes you feel inadequate.

QueenLizIII · 31/10/2016 23:53

If he doesnt like it, there is a way of doing it.

Fluffing and saying I dont want you spending all that money on that for me, how about you get me this instead, etc.

being rude about it, I'd take it back and get him nothing to be honest.

People should have the common decency to be gracious about a gift even if you hate it.

Original poster
Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:55

I'm a bit confused to be honest, as up till now he's been lovely - I agree with both sides of the argument. I don't think I would dump him over this but it has called some things into question. I'm just really upset by his response! I'm sure I'll get over it, I guess I'm just the kind of person that would accept the gift as cherish it as I knew it was chosen by DP. Maybe I'm a bit soft like that!!

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 31/10/2016 23:56

Take it back, and 'forget' to buy him something else. He doesn't deserve a present for being a stroppy brat!

BellesBelles · 01/11/2016 00:00

OP: Take the clock back. Buy yourself something nice with the £200 it cost. Smile Be vague if he ever mentions it again. "Oh I had something in mind as a replacement gift but it's been out of stock for a while, waiting for it to come back in"...

Buy him gift vouchers from now on and a packet of sour apple sweets.

The only good thing about this is that he felt he could be honest about it. It may have seemed harsh, but it does show that he can tackle difficult topics head-on. Better than passive aggressive. You can work on the tact element over time.

I love my DH to bits but the early days/years were littered with misunderstandings and steep learning curves, and some atrociously tactless stuff. He was definitely worth it in the end Smile

BellesBelles · 01/11/2016 00:02

Oh and maybe now's the time to tell him that you thought his elephant cushion was a naff but you accepted it without saying so because you appreciated he had chosen it for you, which was more important than the actual item. Two way street!

HeddaGarbled · 01/11/2016 00:06

Maybe it's the amount of money that you spent? A naff cushion is presumably cheap so can be accepted in the spirit in which it was given. A £200 clock is something else. Can you take it back and get your money back? If so, I think you should. But don't hide your feelings from him and don't put any emotional effort into finding a replacement. He does need to know that he has hurt your feelings in rejecting your gift.

ViolettaValery · 01/11/2016 00:07

He was twatty in the way he put it, but I see his point. £200 is a big gift to receive, in my book anyway, and because it's a wall clock he would have had to put it up otherwise you'd wonder where it was. Then he'd be looking at a £200 clock he didn't like every day just to not hurt your feelings. It's not quite the same as a cheap thing you can just nod and smile and put in a cupboard.I don't think I'd never spend that on a present for someone without consulting them, esp if I didn't know them that well.

NameChange23 · 01/11/2016 00:07

Very rude and thoughtless, I think you should return it if he insists, but do not get him anything else.

Or exchange it for a nag elephant cushion as already suggested.

GabsAlot · 01/11/2016 00:07

posters saying why shouldnt he be honest

because sometimes honesty isnt the best policy-op didnt like the cushion he got her but did she say anything no-and it was the thought she liked more

he could have at least said thanks not what am i supposed to do with a clock

discerning taste? more like snobby twat

NameChange23 · 01/11/2016 00:08

Naff not nag...

Aeroflotgirl · 01/11/2016 00:08

My goodness, tgat woukd make me feel that bit less of him tbh. He sounds like a pratt.

followTheyellowbrickRoad · 01/11/2016 00:09

I'd be upset too. But I think I would rather be told as it was a expensive gift. It's a waste if it's not to his liking. It sounds like he took it was good grace. But decided that he couldn't grow to like it. If he is normally lovely I would let it slide. The cushion isn't quite the same as I imagine the value was far lower.

Mrskeats · 01/11/2016 00:11

Rude and ungrateful.
This would majorly put me off

TheStoic · 01/11/2016 00:14

Ouch.

Don't be upset that you missed the mark - you've only known him 6 months.

His was the reaction of a person accustomed to putting his feelings first and foremost. Even most children learn to be gracious when receiving something that is not to their taste.

QueenLizIII · 01/11/2016 00:14

Actually take it back and get him this

Scandanavian theme and cheaper. Your point will be clear.

Original poster
Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 00:21

QueenLizIII hahahaha am tempted!

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Frolics82 · 01/11/2016 00:24

I'd give him another chance. If he is really into design, then he's likely to be very particular so I wouldn't take it personally.

abigamarone · 01/11/2016 00:24

Does he know it's an expensive design classic or does he suspect it's from home bargains or something?

Original poster
Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 00:24

TheStoic, It's exactly this that has unseated me- my rational brain says 'you've only known him six months, you won't get it right first time' but my heart says 'ouch you aren't exactly being too sensitive there'

He did actually say more which made it worse, like 'I'm not really into design classics like that' and 'you know I like tech' Despite the fact he has designer spoons and glass water vials from Estonia and Helsinki 🤔

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