Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/11/2016 01:31

I'd definitely return it.
And send him packing after doing it.

It's been 6 months and he's acting like this.
People will only be concerned that a partner has spent too much when they don't see a future in the relationship and don't want to feel indebted.
People will only tell they don't like the gift so early in the relationship when they are twats and don't care about the other's feelings.
This is the type of thing you only finally say when you're old and reminiscing about the old days. They might not like the gift but they should like it because you gave it to them.

I might not dump someone over something like this immediately, but I'd feel it was about to run its course.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/11/2016 01:41

He did say we could return it and he could choose something else...

See, that's really grabby and selfish. Now he's thinking 100% of himself and what he wants, rather than you and how you feel.

that's when he mentioned he liked tech so maybe he did have that it mind

"Buy your own bloody Apple Watch, you ungrateful grasping bastard."

WhatsGoingOnEh · 01/11/2016 01:43

People will only be concerned that a partner has spent too much when they don't see a future in the relationship

Yes, but in this case it sounds like he doesn't think the OP has spent too much, just spent it on the wrong thing. He would be v happy if the £200 was redirected towards something else, more to his liking.

EnoughAlready43 · 01/11/2016 01:43

I agree that he's not that into you.
Sorry.

NightWanderer · 01/11/2016 01:46

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here. He's obviously quite picky about his home. Some people just are. And it just isn't to his taste. He has said he doesn't want a present, so you should listen to him. Take him out somewhere nice for lunch or dinner instead. Different people have different feelings about birthdays and presents. To some people they are important, to others they aren't. I don't think you should force your perception of what birthdays should be on him. You've been dating 6 months, so this is his first birthday that you have celebrated with him, so it's not a big deal that you didn't get it right. However, I suggest you both sit down and have a chat before Christmas, so you are both on the same page about your expectations and no one is disappointed.

Freedom2016 · 01/11/2016 02:01

OP if he is kind generally and you enjoy spending time with him - I dont think this is a deal breaker. Just keep the gifts smallish and consumable for a while until you know each other better. Dh got me some terrible gifts when we started out and I was often crushed when my generous and carefully considered -in my mind- gifts were met with - why have you spent so much? It's embarrassing.

We just talked about gift giving and our expectations around it and are slowly getting on the same wavelength- 12 years and a marriage and 1 DC later. We still get it wrong sometimes and taking things back is no big deal. i also tell dh exactly what type of gift id be happy with and he's learnt to say - wow thanks

HappenedForAReisling · 01/11/2016 02:36

I'm with NightWanderer.

ShelaghTurner · 01/11/2016 02:42

I've just googled it thinking it was some outlandish design and it's pretty inoffensive (and nice). I guess a clock is quite hard to live with if you don't like it and you can't exactly not put it up.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/11/2016 02:55

TBH I think it depends upon your personality. Dh used to be the complete opposite and not tell me if he didn't like something then never use or wear it. I used to get upset about all the unused stuff festering. Yes, it is awkward to hear that someone doesn't like the gift and even more awkward being the one to say the gift doesn't suit. However, I think I'd rather know now than have my feelings continuously hurt because I can see the present I bought is never used. So I actually get very annoyed if he accepts a gift and doesn't like if. I actually find not speaking his mind passive aggressive.

Spring2016 · 01/11/2016 03:23

I would return the clock and get him a subscription for 1 year to a technology magazine. www.magazinesubscriptions.co.uk/computers-technology/

septembersunshine · 01/11/2016 03:38

To me it sounds like he thinks you have invested too much into the relationship. I have a feeling he thinks you are very serious about him buying him a gift like that while he perhaps is in the relationship for a bit of fun
He was probably expecting a low key gift. I think it's a lovely idea though op. He sounds like a dick. A 'i am not ready to be this serious dick'.

MissVictoria · 01/11/2016 03:48

Yes, i think you are being unreasonable. Who even gives something like a clock as a present? A watch ok, it's like a piece of jewellery, but a clock?
Some things you either love or hate. He accepted it with grace when you gave it, probably so as not to ruin the evening, but was then honest with you that he didn't like it. In all honesty, he probably made the second remark about clocks being so not him, so that you would know for the future he wouldn't ever want a clock as a gift. I assume he said it with a hopefully jokey kind of tone, to diffuse the awkwardness of the situation. I also think you way over reacted by being "really hurt and upset" about him not liking it. So he didn't like a gift, yes it's a bit disappointing if you really think someone will love something you've bought them, especially if you've spent time picking it out, but it's hardly the end of the world. No wonder he got annoyed at you tbh, you probably made him feel guilty for not liking the gift.

YvaineStormhold · 01/11/2016 03:55

I'd have problems with this on several levels:

  1. The rudeness. It's too early in the relationship for this kind of honesty.
  1. He's clearly not as much of a design enthusiast as he has made out. Anyone who professes to be 'into design' who then goes and buys you a shitty elephant cushion is on Planet Bullshit. He's probably watched The Bridge and been to IKEA for some Billy bookshelves and now ponces about saying he's a Skandi buff. Yeah, him and everyone else. Which leads me to...
  1. Your gift has inadvertently exposed him as someone who is pretending to be 'into Skandi design'. He didn't recognise a Skandi design classic. He opened your gift, saw a plastic wall clock and thought you'd been to B&M for his present. Fine. Lots of people big themselves up a bit to impress a new partner.

But.

After the event, he googled his gift, and instead of thinking 'wow, inhave a Skandi design classic, what a cool gift, I'll learn to love it", he's thought, "£200 for that? I could have had a nice piece of tech for that!"

Still fine - just.

But then he throws your thoughtful gift back in your face and tries to get something else of the same value out of you. Really not fine.

So in total -

Bullshitter.
Socially inept.
Grabby.

Dump.

metaphoricus · 01/11/2016 03:57

If I liked somebody well enough, and they bought me a clock I didn't much like, I'd find a wall to put it on regardless. I think he's incredibly rude.

metaphoricus · 01/11/2016 03:59

And YADNBU

metaphoricus · 01/11/2016 04:05

I mean, what sort of knob end would chuck a gift back in your face?
I am incandescent with rage on your behalf, OP

OzzieFem · 01/11/2016 04:07

Take the clock back and return it, then buy him a much cheaper voucher.

metaphoricus · 01/11/2016 04:10

OP if he is kind generally and you enjoy spending time with him - I dont think this is a deal breaker

6 months in to a relationship, it would be a deal breaker for me.
Rude and ungrateful and intolerable.

GreatFuckability · 01/11/2016 04:12

He's probably watched The Bridge and been to IKEA for some Billy bookshelves and now ponces about saying he's a Skandi buff Grin Grin

I don't see how a clock can be 'you' or 'not you'. its a clock. its for telling the time. unless you live in a time and space where you need to not tell the time.

anyway, I think he's a pillock with no manners. dump his arse.

MissVictoria · 01/11/2016 04:14

After reading follow up messages i think a lot of posters are being very judgemental and making massive assumptions and being totally unfair about this guy.
As for the general "if you love them you accept the gift and learn to love it" why? If you really don't like something, you shouldn't have to put it up on display in your own home to appease someone else's feelings. An ex of mine bought me the worst gift ever. I bought a video game on the wii that was a spin off of a game series i've collected for over 15 years, but i absolutely HATED everything about it. I told him how disappointed i was with it, how i hated it and would never play it again and wish i'd kept the receipt to take it back, and how the sequel which would be the same style of play i had absolutely no interest in. Guess what he bought me?

So he looked up the price, could be totally innocently checking if it was expensive to the point you say "Sorry i didn't like it" and they can return for their money back, or if it was relatively cheap you can bin it/put it in a cupboard.
Nowhere has OP said he wants the full amount she spent on the clock spending on a replacement gift, she even said he told her he didn't need a present. Suggesting getting something else after returning doesn't mean "spend the £200 on me on something i do like/want!". More likely because she's made a big deal about "I have to get you something because its a 40th" he is thinking she WANTS to get him something else as a replacement. The follow up about his saying "I like tech, you know that" was a bit tactless but it's letting her know what he does like and would appreciate for a replacement/further gifts in future.

malificent7 · 01/11/2016 04:16

The elephant cushion dosnt sound very scandinavian!
I'd stick to Ikea in the future!

TheNewWife · 01/11/2016 04:34

On the flip side, my boyfriend, now DH, bought me a flawless Emerald & Diamond ring one particular V Day and I asked to exchange it. It was too expensive for it to languish in a jewellery box as it just wasn't my taste (I get why he picked it, similar to Sapphire jewellery I'd inherited from my a Grandmother and he went for Emerald as it's my birth stone). Turns out, it was sized for me and couldn't be swapped but we both laugh about it now. I'm pregnant and expecting a girl so maybe she will inherit it one day or maybe I'll get the design reset into something more my style!
Basically, he just thought it was too expensive when he didn't love it and wanted to save you the money, sorry if he went about it in a crass manner. I was also (regretfully, I might add) very crass about asking to change mine cos as well as disliking the ring, I was hoping for an engagement ring so I was gutted!!!

flumpybear · 01/11/2016 04:37

My BIL is like this, so much so I always put a gift receipt in with his presents and couldn't care less now if he changed it - better he has something he likes
Are you SURE his tastes are the same as yours? He's not just pretending for the relationship?

TheStoic · 01/11/2016 05:13

As for the general "if you love them you accept the gift and learn to love it" why?

Because it's kind, and you'd rather accept it happily than risk hurting their feelings.

Kokosjumping · 01/11/2016 05:24

Sounds like an arse. Extremely ungrateful.

Swipe left for the next trending thread