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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Gift for boyfriend was not well received

621 replies

Lottiegal · 31/10/2016 23:15

I'm divorced with three kids and have been seeing my boyfriend for 6 months. Things have been going pretty well so far and he seems committed etc. At the weekend was his 40th and we had dinner etc and some drinks. I'd deliberated for ages what to get him as a gift, originally we talked about going away but we couldn't find the time work and kids etc. He's a man of discerning taste, and we share a love of Scandinavia and good design, so I bought him an Aarne Jacobsen clock (a design classic) When he received it he thanked me and said it was a cool gift so I was pleased. Today though on the phone he said he was sorry he didn't like the gift and wanted to return it. I was a bit upset to be honest but hid my emotions and said I would return it. He then joked like 'what would I do with a clock, it's really not me' I felt hurt that I'd got it so wrong, and by his reaction. I did say I was upset that he didn't like it but he seemed almost annoyed that I'd got it for him.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 17:07

Mas I guess we're all different but if someone gave me that clock I wouldn't display it and would have had to hide in in a cupboard. Or I could suggest the giver return it and we used the money to have a nice weekend together with.

PushingThru · 01/11/2016 17:14

That stuff is normal in relationships... shrug it doesn't require a gold star. It doesn't mitigate the weird rudeness about the present or the childish blocking either. It's not my idea of amazing...

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 17:28

Pushing I said that was the start of him sounding like decent person.
You know it's so easy to focus on negatives like blocking her messages (although it would appear from another poster that is not actually definite that he did this) or his attitude towards a gift. No one is perfect everyone has moments when they behave badly, least I think they do, I'm sure the OP has also occasionally behaved badly. IMO for what it's worth and as I said above I've just celebrated 29 years of a primarily happy loving marriage, of course over the years we've both occasionally behaved badly and upset the other, a marriage I should add where we both feel free to voice our opinions, the OP needs to look at the bigger picture if the rest of the time he makes her happy/laugh/feel at the very least cared about/she feels this man is interested in her as a person/ encourages her to have independent thoughts and she reciprocates she makes him laugh/happy/feel cared for/she's interested in him as a person/and encourages him to have independent thoughts because it's not all about the OP I think she should forgive these two fairly minor inconsiderations.

DoinItFine · 01/11/2016 17:29

Amazing guys don't block you from social media after a 6 month relationship.

You did beg him to be back in touch.

That was a text from a desperate woman.

Works for him seemingly.

Just don't buy him any more grods things with yoyr naff taste.

Buy him expensive consumer electronics and definitely don't ever think "honesty" is a two way street.

Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 17:35

Doinit if I hadn't responded with anything he would think I was still angry at him. I think ignoring him would not achieve anything. If I know him he would have been up all night stressing about the fact I was p*ssed off at him. Yes I am annoyed at him but I'm not about to walk away over that, which is what I think you are suggesting

OP posts:
Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 17:38

I think he blocked me as he couldn't handle if I sent him a long text that he couldn't deal with at work. Tbh if he'd replied to my text it probably would have sparked a row so it was probably best he ignored me at that point. It wasn't until I said I had calmed down that he unblocked me as he knew I wouldn't hassle him then.

OP posts:
arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 17:39

Doin this seems to imply that being blocked is not as clear cut as some might think it is and if he did block her it was for 3 hours max thirdly if he'd blocked her how would he have know she was begging him to be back in touch? And as I've already said blocking her for three hours whilst he was at work is not exactly a war crime.
Also who's said he's amazing? I said he sounded decent. Or perhaps it's in you nature to assume that all men are basically shits until categorically proven otherwise?

ChocolateWombat · 01/11/2016 17:42

Wow! Went away for A few hours and things have moved on - the blocking and unblocking!

I think the pair of them sound a bit of a nightmare. Op is wanting an awful lot after 6 months in terms of having influence into his interior decor etc and clearly wanting something very serious....but is also too up and down and melodramatic ....has allowed MN to whip herself into a frenzy of deciding what was probably a clumsy rather than nasty response to the present was awful....and sent the daft message to him. Which unsurprisingly he didn't like. However, his blocking of her is also rather juvenile and looks like teenage not adult behaviour to me. Don't adults discuss their issues rather than texting and blocking?? And now it's back on again.....goodness it sounds exhausting all this up and down and on and off..over something small. Is this the nature of the relationship - very up and down over every little thing...on and off? Some people seem to actually like the drama of this kind of thing and making everything into a big deal....but it would exhaust me.

OP all I can say about all of this, is that there are lessons to take from all of this;

  • don't read too much into small, individual situations and don't take offence too easily
  • don't allow MN to whip you into a frenzy of indignation about something
  • don't make knee jerk reactions and don't address relationship issues by text - which even if not worded as poorly as yours, can be misunderstood

Perhaps there is a future in the relationship - if you can give him time and not demand too much involvement in his life too fast, and if you can calm down and not take offence so easily, and if he is able to communicate effectively with you...and if both of you can communicate about what you do and don't want and find a way forward. If you really like him and can see a future..and he feels the same, it's worth working on, rather than giving up....but just calm down!

Mix56 · 01/11/2016 17:44

I think he blocked me as he couldn't handle if I sent him a long text that he couldn't deal with at work. Tbh if he'd replied to my text it probably would have sparked a row so it was probably best he ignored me at that point. It wasn't until I said I had calmed down that he unblocked me as he knew I wouldn't hassle him then.

He doesn't need to block you, he can just do his work & not read his personal whattsap.
It was a deliberate statement.
You can take it as you wish. he sounds controlling & PA

Happybunny19 · 01/11/2016 17:46

What noodleincident said then dump him, he sounds a right twat

Madinche1sea · 01/11/2016 17:48

OP - I went to a talk the other night at my DS' school about Whatsapp use etc. They were saying that while there are unfortunately issues in Year 9 with children using tactics such as "blocking", by Year 11 they all seem to have grown out of this "nonsense".
Couldn't he have just messaged back to say, "Sorry, now is not a good time. Can we talk later?"

Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 17:53

Perhaps I hurt him with the cushion comment or calling him up on his attitude and it was his way of hurting me back. Either way we both handled it badly

OP posts:
arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 17:53

I clearly don't get the blocking messages thing especially if it was for a few hours and I knew the other person was very busy at work! It wouldn't bother me in the slightest in fact I wouldn't know if I'd been blocked or not. It makes me realise that all this wonderful technology is not always all it's cracked to be if it makes others draw very unfavourable conclusions about us. I wasn't aware blocking someone for three hours is interpreted as a sign of a controlling personality! I would view it in the same way as putting a call through to voice mail.
Must add I couldn't block anyone as I don't know how to do it and up until I read this thread I didn't even know it was possible also I only have four contacts on my whatsapp and I'm unlikely to block any of them.

Giselaw · 01/11/2016 17:57

So not the first time there's been a bit of a melodrama on whatsapp from you while he's at work, then.

ChocolateWombat · 01/11/2016 18:02

Lottie have you sent him overly emotional texts/messages before, which he has then blocked? Is this a regular thing in your relationship?
TBH you don't sound quite in control of yourself here. You seem to be feeling everything in an extremely intense way - do you feel every positive in a massive way and every set back, however little as a major big deal? Do you frequently respond to him with big criticisms, or undying love or begging?

The clock and the rights or wrongs of it are neither here nor there as far as I'm concerned, but the way you 2 interact doesn't sound hugely healthy, if this kind of thing regularly occurs.
And do you regularly discuss and analyse his actions on either MN or with friends in real life? This too can lead to pretty minor things blowing up in your own mind into much bigger things that then result in taking unnecessary action.

Lottiegal · 01/11/2016 18:09

No I've never send 'emotional' messages to him and he's not blocked me before. I don't normally come in here for advice either, it was late I'd had a glass or two of wine and I wanted a second opinion as friends weren't available. I got drawn into the conversation.

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 01/11/2016 18:11

Am I missing something here, he hasnt actually contacted you since last night but has seen your messages and blocked/ unblocked you yet you're convinced everything is ok?

would you normally hear from him during the day?

QueenLizIII · 01/11/2016 18:13

You know this scenario has struck me as familiar for a while and I've only just put my finger on it. My mother does this.

I think maybe the SA framing pictures was a red herring to tell you to leave it be. You've offered to frame his pictures to decorate his home, you've offered to paint him a picture....he said no. All along he has be subtly telling no. And yet you keep on pushing things you think he should have.

My mother does the same. She gets it in her head that I should have something as need it or it would be good for me. One year it was a purse to match my handbag. I said I didnt want it and I wouldnt use it. I really didnt want it. I said there are no card slips in there it is either a coin purse or a make up purse and I dont need or want either of those. She went on at it. But it can house your keys and other things so it is easier to find in your bag. I said again i dont want it and considered the matter closed. I opened two of them on Christmas day in different colours to match each of hangbags. I couldnt believe it. I made her return them and I had to deal with her hurt face when she had been told more than once I didnt want it.

The next year it was a stupid charm to go on a chain. My eldest niece had one and I was her godmother too and she said you should have one to match your goddaughter. I told no I dont have to have it and I dont want it. It was also meant for a child. It was babyish. I opened it on christmas day and had to deal with being called a ungrateful cow when I said I didnt want it and she sulked at taking it back.

Last Christmas it was a towelling bath robe to match the new towels I had. I said to her I have a towel robe and I dont wear it as it is too heavy and I dont need another. I opened it on christmas day. This time i didnt even try to be gracious, i said to her I told you no, take that back and i reminded her it was the third christmas in a row she had done this and I was sick and tired of it.

OP you sound very pushy with what you think he should have and he should like. I think he has been subtly telling you to leave it out with his home and its appearance and he has finally got annoyed with it.

i dont think you realise just how infuriating it is to keep telling someone no and then be expected to be gracious over them doing it anyway.

it is really fucking annoying. You've fought on whatsapp before then. This is not going to end well.

Cricrichan · 01/11/2016 18:21

Are you sure he blocked you? I have lots of friends on WhatsApp and it's not at always accurate about when they've last seen WhatsApp (I'll have a message from someone but it'll say last seen a few hours prior to the message they sent) and sometimes it doesn't show any information and they've definitely not blocked me.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 18:30

Bear the OP started this thread last night at 23 15 when presumably her partner was at his home in bed asleep as he had work the next day. The OP whatsapped him a message this morning I think after 9 am raising concerns about the way he behaved and his choice in cushions I think she would now admit it was a bit OTT, she said he was at work he then blocked her for a few hours.

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 18:35

Should have said he was at work and he might have blocked her for a few hours.

DamePastel · 01/11/2016 18:37

if you don't split up, you should do vouchers from now on.

Wine

I think you sound nice and sane he sounds a bit odd tbh

Bearbehind · 01/11/2016 18:42

I know what you're saying arab but it just seems a bit odd that OP has sent a pretty OTT text and not had a reply yet she seems to think it's her decision that they won't break up over this IYSWIM.

It's all a bit too much for me- why would you what's app stuff like that in the first place?

Cinnamon2013 · 01/11/2016 18:51

6 months in... It's supposed to be FUN

arabhorsesarebest · 01/11/2016 18:52

"It's all a bit to much for me why would you whatsapp stuff like that in the first place?"
Couldn't agree more, I completely understand why the OP's partner temporarily blocked her but apparently it's actually a sign of a controlling juvenile misogynist.