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Original poster

Looking through OH stuff backfired

191 replies

Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 11:04

I don't know whether to feel angry or guilty. Ive just hacked my OHs Instagram and its majorly bitten me in the arse. I've found messages that have majorly upset him me, him talking to a girl about going round there etc when I'd gone out for the day with DD. He's used that opportunity to try and see another girl? I know I shouldn't have gone through his stuff like that. But the way he's been acting lately, really protective of his phone, secretive over where he's going etc..with a young baby to look after all day and me feeling like I just don't matter to him anymore, how could I not look? What should I do now? Do I have a leg to stand on, considering the way I've come across it?

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Original poster
Christinedonna · 01/11/2016 13:23

jess it's funny you say about the wanting to do activities together..he said earlier "we should take DD and (our dog) for a walk tomorrow afternoon" we won't be doing family activities like that anymore. I am certain he doesn't believe I'm serious. He took a bag of things with him last night (nothing compared to the amount he obviously has here), brought the bag back with him today and went to leave it when he left, I said "you've forgot your bag" he said "oh I don't need anything else for now, il grab it later" well he finishes at 10pm tonight so definitely will not be round "later". DD was sleeping in my bed so he sat on there with her (started as sat, I come back up and he was under the covers!) and he sent me a picture of DD saying "she's laying on daddys side" I swiftly reminded him he no longer has a "side" he looked like a hurt puppy.
I think this is why I've had no grovelling or dramatic "let me back" pleas, he doesn't think he's gone. He thinks this is my little punishment, sending him to his parents for a few days. Not the case

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skyyequake · 01/11/2016 14:37

I'm glad you're not letting him have his own way Christine, I agree that he really doesn't seem to have gotten the message. It's a classic tactic they use, they think if they act like nothing has happened then eventually it will all go away!

I would advise letting someone know what's going on, but obviously and ultimately, it is your choice as to whatever you feel comfortable with. You do have the option of letting one close friend/family member in on the situation without telling the whole world... It may be helpful to have a bit of moral support from someone in real life. But again, you know what is best for you.

This is exactly why I don't let XP in my home anymore, he would make himself at home just as yours has!! Obviously it's harder with such a young baby and I understand the predicament there. Do you know what you'll do if he comes knocking on the door at 10pm looking for his bag?

Original poster
Christinedonna · 01/11/2016 14:39

Il take it to the door while DD is in bed and shall return to bed alone

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Original poster
Christinedonna · 01/11/2016 14:48

Little fucker has ensured a way of coming back tonight by leaving his charger here. I just asked why and he said "oh il have to pop in and get it tonight" I told him I'd meet him at the door. Bugger

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skyyequake · 01/11/2016 15:24

He's still acting like he lives there...

Maybe you could insist he takes everything with him next time? My guess is he's not going to be packing his stuff up any time soon, do you want to pack it up for him? That's obviously a painful step so don't feel rushed, but it can be a bit like pulling off a plaster... Plus it might give him the realisation that this is actually happening!

Good on you for insisting that you meet him at the door! He might try and insists on coming in to see your DD, but please don't feel bullied into it! Having a right to see his DD doesn't give him the right to automatic access into your home. He's already seen her today and it is clearly not an appropriate time to be visiting a small baby! Plus you'd probably just end up having to turf him out from under the covers again!

You're doing great Flowers

Mix56 · 01/11/2016 17:08

fuck the charger, he can buy another one.
He cannot just waltz in. As I say there must be FIXED hours & days.
This is not a game, either it is real or it isn't.
Tie the charger to the door.
Text saying Find charger & bin bags of your possessions on door step.
Lock the door/bolt/leave key in
Is the house in joint names ?

Original poster
Christinedonna · 01/11/2016 17:18

It's my house

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GabsAlot · 01/11/2016 19:20

if its in just your name then put an end to this say there isnt later take your stuff please u cant pop over when you feel like it

skyyequake · 02/11/2016 09:53

How are you doing today Christine?

Original poster
Christinedonna · 02/11/2016 10:00

Better. Woke up and was really upset and decided I have to get off my chest how he's made me feel. So text him explain how much he's hurt me and ruined every etc and am now happy to ignore him! (Despite his sudden attempts to make its right) feeling a lot better!

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DamePastel · 02/11/2016 10:02

It's your house!

Good.

The urge to smooth things over can be strong, at first, even if the smoothing can only ever be temporary. Resist that urge by focusing on doing the things that you want to do but that he ruined for you. Watch what you want. Eat what you want. Listen to what you want. Go to bed when you want. Tidy, don't tidy. Invite a friend over.

Wine
DamePastel · 02/11/2016 10:03

Leave charger in a sandwich bag outside front door.

It's impossible to detach from somebody mentally when they won't BACK OFF AND LET YOU GO.

skyyequake · 02/11/2016 10:25

I'm glad you're feeling better!

I would probably prepare yourself for a hit of backlash next time he comes to see DD. In my experience, he will go for one of 3 options (or a pic n mix of all three):

Option 1: The "I can change". Very convincing but 99.999% of the time only temporary.

Option 2: The "you're exaggerating" (other variants are "why are you making such a big fuss?" "it didn't happen like that" "you're just stressed/tired/hormonal/etc"). Will probably make you feel like you've gone a bit crazy but rest assured you haven't, he just doesn't see what he's done wrong and wants you to forget about it!

Option 3: The "you're not perfect either". Which will probably involve spelling out everything you've done wrong ever. May include the phrases "you haven't supported me" or "I just can't talk to you". Meant to make you feel bad enough about little things you've done that you forgive him simply out of guilt.

Sorry if that was a bit daunting but I don't want to leave you unprepared as these things can take you off-guard. Try and have your guard up and keep on with this brilliant attitude that you have. You are worth more than how he's been acting: Don't let him try and minimise it!

You're doing fab Christine! I hope you have a good and positive day FlowersCake

Original poster
Christinedonna · 02/11/2016 11:09

Thank you everyone. Just getting myself ready for an afternoon with my sister, I'm sure he thinks "it's okay that she's ignoring me coz il go round later" but we won't be in! Feeling positive

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Tomorrowillbeachicken · 02/11/2016 11:11

I would confront him then kick him to the curb

skyyequake · 02/11/2016 11:26

Good plan! Have you told your sister?

I'd love to see his face when he turns up and you're not there Grin

Original poster
Christinedonna · 02/11/2016 11:31

Yeah I was talking to my sister and told her he wanted to come round and she said "he can't! We're going out" so I've been told if anything Grin

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Tomorrowillbeachicken · 02/11/2016 11:35

Keep your contact about your daughter only. You don't need this weasel.

skyyequake · 02/11/2016 11:38

Your sister sounds great! I'm glad you're doing things for you rather than waiting around to see if he's going to turn up!

Have fun today Flowers

Original poster
Christinedonna · 02/11/2016 11:40

I've just struggled to draw the line..he knows that il talk to him about DD..so when I don't reply to messages, he asks about her so that I do. For example "can I take you both out?" No "why?" "What's (DD) doing?" "I miss her" "what are you both doing?" Then a missed call from a withheld number while I was in the shower. He wants pictures and videos of her non stop or tells me to kiss her for him and tell him when he's done it. I've decided he knows she's fine, so we don't need to talk about her all day

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Original poster
Christinedonna · 02/11/2016 11:41

when he's done it when I've done it

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Tomorrowillbeachicken · 02/11/2016 11:43

yep thats overkill from him.

skyyequake · 02/11/2016 12:01

Yup I know that one, I get constantly berated because XP texts "how's DD?" And I say she's fine and then the next time he picks her up I get told how he has a "right" to know what she's been doing and where she's been going. It's clearly a ploy to see what I'm doing, it's very frustrating!

You are totally right for only letting him know that she's fine and then leaving it. He wasn't this keen to know how she was when he was dicking about on his phone was he?

Original poster
Christinedonna · 02/11/2016 12:14

Definitely not.

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lemondropcake · 02/11/2016 12:20

Christine, you have done the right thing and have kept your self respect and remained strong so far.
It is him that has wrecked your family, it is him who chose to do these things and it was wrong.
You deserve better, and by the sounds of it you tried for so long to make your relationship work and he still treated you and your dd like crap.

He has realised now what he has lost. Good! But it should not have taken what it did to do so.
If you hadn't saw those messages, what would have happened in a months time, two months, a year. He can't be trusted and you deserve far better than that!