Looking through OH stuff backfired

[Christinedonna]

I don't know whether to feel angry or guilty. Ive just hacked my OHs Instagram and its majorly bitten me in the arse. I've found messages that have majorly upset him me, him talking to a girl about going round there etc when I'd gone out for the day with DD. He's used that opportunity to try and see another girl? I know I shouldn't have gone through his stuff like that. But the way he's been acting lately, really protective of his phone, secretive over where he's going etc..with a young baby to look after all day and me feeling like I just don't matter to him anymore, how could I not look? What should I do now? Do I have a leg to stand on, considering the way I've come across it?

Christine its not your fault, its his. You are not the one cheating. You are not the one who's not interested in your DD. Do you really want her growing up in a house where one of her parents blatantly doesn't give a shit about her? How is that better for her in any way? Would you want her growing up thinking that that's how relationships are? That that's the kind of behaviour she should expect and put up with from a partner? Because by staying with him that's exactly what you're telling her: That this is all ok and she should just put up with it.

You can do better. You can give your DD a better life away from this jackass. He can still see her obviously, but he will have to step up to look after her on his days. He won't have you as a fall back so if he wants to see her he simply has to be better for her.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but he doesn't love you. Someone who loves you doesn't act like this. You and your DD deserve better.

I wouldn't tell him how you know. I would personally suggest you had been tipped off by anonymous someone who he had sent over friendly messages to via instagram. Challenge him with facts you know and ask him if he's willing to log in and show you everything. If he's not, then you know where you stand.

It's more about what you want next. Do you want to end the relationship? Or open up some honest dialogue as to why he's sending these messages, what needs to change for you to continue as a family. Don't let him blame you, but do listen to what is missing or what is making him think about straying. If he has the balls to open up and be honest with you.

Best of luck xx

He stepped over the line first leading you to feel suspicious and anxious. YANBU

Looking at someone's phone is minor compared to seeing another girl.

Don't feel wrong footed by this. You are the innocent party not him.

You don't need to find another man, you just need to be a good mum to your DD. Being a good mum is not being treated like shit and left feeling like shit. You aren't the reason there's a problem, he is. Ask him to leave.

I would never be the reason her mum and dad aren't together

You wouldn't be, he would be. He is not giving either of you the time or attention that you deserve. That's not even taking into account his apparent need ot get his kicks elsewhere. These

I get no special attention, compliments, any of his time..he gets up, goes to work, comes home waits for dinner and goes to bed on his phone until he falls asleep. Barely pays DD attention and I get half of that again!

are not the actions of a decent man. I would even say he treats you as a housekeeper rather than a sister. Do you really want to bring your DD up to believe that she deserves nothing better than a man whose attention she has to beg for? Do you want her to think it's ok that daddy treats mummy like shit? That this is normal?

The best thing you can do for your child is model a healthy relationship. Children learn so much from their parents relatiopnships. If your relationship is NOT healthy it can do far more damage if you stay in it than if you get out and model being a decent parent on your own and then in future a relationship where you are treated right. Don't teach your daughter to settle for an asshole because she was unlucky enough to not see his true colours until after she had kids.

My dad walked out on my mum when I was 7. I don't remember him being at home but I do remember my mum being absolutely fucking awesome after he left. She taught me how to run a house, change a tire, change a lightbulb, wire a plug, plan a budget and allsorts of other things. She taught me that I can do anything I want for myself. She also taught me that it's better to be single than unhappy.

These are lessons I've learnt and I believe that because of them I'm married and very happy. I didn't settle for anyone who treated me with disrespect. I had an abusive twat ex but I kicked him to the kerb when I woke up to his behaviour and realised that I deserved better. You deserve better also.

I suppose you don't actually need to confront him. You know he's not proud of you iyswim. He's not doing anything to 'like' your fb posts or make it clear you're together. Yet he is flirting with a woman he hopes is having trouble in her relationship.

FB tells you a lot imo. I had a really close friendship that was more like a relationship with a man earlier in the year. He did not want me as an official girlfriend but he was kind, mundane, interested, intersting, very supportive and communicative to me, but we weren't friends on fb. I could see a lot of his fb page though, after a snoop, and it was all banter and chit chat with goodlooking women he vaguely knew. He didn't want to risk having me see it and be horrified and back away (which is what happened).

(Mrsemcgregor because even if you marry someone it doesn't mean they are allowed to snoop at everything just because you're married they can look through your phone and handbag aswel then?. I love my dh however we are both entitled to our privacy. If a woman said her dp said he was entitled to snoop at his dw things because they were married there would be a lot of these )

Op some of the things he said wouldn't be an alert to me, but the one about the bf is a massive thing and the fact he doesn't even treat you like a partner
That puts things in a different perspective.
If you two broke up it wouldn't be because of you.
You can do better. It's not always better for kids to have their parents stay together.

OP, you need to cut your losses. He is a lying, cheating piece of shite and you need to show him the door.

Please.

I wonder why your self esteem is so shite that you tolerate this excuse of a man. Cheating aside he treats you and your DD like an inconvenience. You need to be the reason he goes to show her what a healthy relationship is. Because the relationship he has with both of you is woeful and a shocking example to show her.

I've told him where to go. Thanks everyone

What did he say?

I think given your posts describing the relationship I wouldn't bother confronting those particular messages. I'd just say it's not working out, you don't have feelings for him and feel like a housemaid. That will make him feel more crap than having to explain the snooping which although is unsavoury and hurtful doesn't actually prove anything untoward. (Just poor intent).

How'd he react?

Good on you - he's not being a father and partner.

In this instance, I wouldn't feel bad for snooping at all. I suspect you wouldn't even need to tell him how you know anyway.

Pay a hooker to set the bastard up.

He's said "it's not over!" "I'm not leaving, I'm not losing you both over a stupid mistake" "I never would have gone through with it" "I'm not packing my stuff I'm gunna make this work" I said you'll never lose DD but I'm done, I don't deserve to be treated the way he's treated me and I'm not interested in anything else he has to say. He's still at work atm so all will be revealed when he finishes at 6

Good work, OP. It might feel rough now; but not as bad as a lifetime of being treated as someone's disliked sister, and you won't be a modelling a crap relationship for your daughter.

I hope he has the sense to stay away this evening.

So you have had this conversation whilst he was at work?

OP - I've been where you are now, with my first husband. I just had a weird feeling that something was up, I checked his phone, and found very damning evidence. I confronted him straight away, he looked extremely sheepish, he asked (very weakly) why I'd looked at his phone, and then tried to pretend all the messages were a 'wrong number.' To cut a long story short, our marriage broke down shortly afterwards.

Two things here - if your gut tells you that something is wrong, then you're probably right. Female intuition is amazing. But secondly (and most importantly) - his cheating is a far greater trespass than your checking his phone. Don't let him try to tell you that your snooping somehow cancels out his cheating, because it doesn't. YOU have the moral highground here, OP.

This is all his fault!

It's only now he declares his need to have you in his life? Prrf. Typical. Life.

Stay strong. Please don't let him turn this round on you for any reason or try to turn the focus on to you for having looked at instagram, you're not the one who has jeopardised/ruined the relationship.

Hope tonight goes ok.

It's not just the OW though, its his whole attitude.
It's not over ? it sounds like it was already over.
He's not remotely interested in you as a partner, just a live in cook/cleaner.
You looked at his account because he has been so disinterested in you.
What's the point ?

piglet I couldn't sit and stew all day, I had to get it off my chest and spoke to him on his break. (He's a manager and sits around scratching his arse all day anyway). He said "I want to make it right" I said you should have made it work not want to make it right once you ruin it. If he cared it would be obvious, it's not.. He doesn't