Looking through OH stuff backfired

[Christinedonna]

I don't know whether to feel angry or guilty. Ive just hacked my OHs Instagram and its majorly bitten me in the arse. I've found messages that have majorly upset him me, him talking to a girl about going round there etc when I'd gone out for the day with DD. He's used that opportunity to try and see another girl? I know I shouldn't have gone through his stuff like that. But the way he's been acting lately, really protective of his phone, secretive over where he's going etc..with a young baby to look after all day and me feeling like I just don't matter to him anymore, how could I not look? What should I do now? Do I have a leg to stand on, considering the way I've come across it?

He's gone. Thanks everyone

Just read this thread. Good for you. Even if you feel sad in the short term, you'll have no doubt in the long-term you did the right thing.

Good luck x

Good riddance. You don't need an arse hole like that in your life.

That was good, fast work.

Well done you.

I think it's for the best op, though you've obviously got some difficult times to get through, you and your dd will definitely be better off without him, and for you, not always having to wonder where he is or what he's doing will be most important.

Are you going to be able to negotiate arrangements for the baby without too much hassle?

He's coming round in the morning as he doesn't finish until late tomorrow. I said he can stop in on his way home from work every day

He come in and really made an effort with DD, which if anything is just upsetting to watch..it shouldn't take this to make you show an interest. She's got a little cold coming on so she took ages to get to sleep. (So we're in our my room) he sat on the bed while I was tucking her in, I sat down and he gave me the controls, I told him I didn't care what was on the telly and that I meant what I said. He got up and started getting his stuff together, then sat next to DD crib holding her hand and crying for 20 minutes, so of course I was then sobbing. He got the rest of his stuff, came and gave me a cuddle as we were both a bit hysterical. When we calmed down he said "do you still want me to go?" I said yes, he got his bags and said bye

I'm just a bit..no..ALOT baffled at his 0 attempt. I shouldn't be, he's made his lack of interest very clear but really? No attempts to explain yourself, no wanting to talk it through, no nothing. First I was crying over him saying bye to DD, then the thought of her waking up without him, then the fact that he doesn't seem upset about leaving me at all (I can understand being heartbroken over DD, I couldn't do it. But hello!) then I found myself picturing him driving away alone and feeling so sorry for him. Despite trying to stop myself I just feel so guilty

FGS don't you feel guilty. You've done the right thing and been very strong and your DD won't have to grow up seeing an awful relationship as normal.

But be very, very kind to yourself. It's a lot to process.

Oh mate it is really tough. A friend is going through something similar and it's the little glimmers of hope (we COULD be a family!) that are the killer.

You've done the right thing. Be kind to yourself.

well done christine the hardest bit is over

i doubt hes cryin for your dd its prob more for himself

This happened to me once. I looked on my DH facebook messages a few years ago and found the same thing. I blew up at him because yes I probably shouldn't have been snooping but what he had done was worse, we managed to sort it out and are still together now and stronger.

Ha cannot pop in every day. there needs to be set days & times.

There will be set times. If he finishes at 6 he can come at 6:30..I won't stop him from seeing his daughter every day

Be very careful with the "whenever you want" arrangement... I had that with my XP and that's how he managed to worm his way back in the first time.

Funnily enough now I've broken up with him, and truly meant it, and haven't been crying or having any "feelings" conversations, he doesn't seem all that committed to seeing DD. He's had two days a week to see over over the last 6 weeks and he's only had her 3 days in total.

Don't let him play you for a fool OP. Could you have someone with you for a while when he comes over? Like a family member or friend?

Also remember that when he comes over its his time, not only to see her, but to look after her. Obviously if you're breastfeeding then he can't do that bit, but if you're formula feeding or expressing then he can do any bottle feeds, nappy changes, soothing to sleep, all of it. He doesn't get to just waltz back in, have a cuddle and a play and hand her back for the hard bits.

Well done for sticking to your guns OP, its hard when they're putting on the tears, but of he really cared he wouldn't have acted like he has done. Remember that.

You've done the right thing, I think you sound so strong well done

Thanks everyone. For now he's only done me wrong (although I do see that as a betrayal to DD aswell as he's ruined her family) but I'm trying not to be bitter. He's used to seeing her every day and so is she and until he proves me wrong, I'm not willing to take that away from them. Hopefully she gets the attention she deserves now and is appreciated more. I woke up to messages saying "I miss you both so much" "I love you" and have completely overlooked them so hopefully he knows that this is just to see DD, not an opportunity to work things out. I haven't told any family yet as I'm just not ready to talk about it, have a lump in my throat just writing this, let alone talking about it. DD is all that matters right now

You're being very strong OP

The only thing I would mention is that he has done your DD wrong by not giving her the attention she deserves! She deserves to have two parents who dote on her and give her all their available time and attention... And also two parents who care for her in the most basic way: Feeding, nappies, bath times... It's not all about cuddles! Babies learn to trust you by doing those basic things, and without doing them you don't form as strong of a bond. DD never wanted her dad when she was upset, because she knew I was the one who would actually make her feel better, it broke my heart to see that because I wanted her and her dad to have a good relationship, but I couldn't make him do what needed to be done.

Don't underestimate how his behaviour has affected his relationship with your DD. Luckily it is 100% fixable at this point, but only if he steps up and becomes a decent father (and no, someone who comes home, waits for dinner and then goes to bed on their phone whilst "barely giving DD any attention", is not a good father)

I hope it all goes well for you

For your own sake Christine, you need to make this split known, get it out in the open, it will serve you as protection. He should not be allowed to hide under a bushel, whilst you keep schtum.
You are a lovely Mummy, your daughter is your only concern, not him.

please take on board all the advice i honestly doubt he wants to come round because he misses dd to be blunt-if he never showed interest before why now?

poeple who split up dont see their kids every day thats just how it goes-it wont be normal because one day she will say why does daddy go every day and u will still have to explain

OP, you are extremely brave and your prioritising of your DDs needs is admirable. Feeling wobbly is natural. I think skyy has given some great advice, which I am taking on board with regards to my own situation. I have had an 'open door' contact policy for the last five months, but it's not really working out - as skyy points out, there is a lot of cuddling/playing/being fun daddy going on, but not really any actual 'care' - he wants us to do activities as a 'family' rather than take DS out alone. It's unsettling, and I guess because, at least for a while, I'd hoped we'd fix things, I've gone along with it - but I'm not sure it's the best solution any more.

No you should not have done that, the trust has gone if you have to go to those lengths, but you found out that he was seeing girls, I would confront him about this!