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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking through OH stuff backfired

191 replies

Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 11:04

I don't know whether to feel angry or guilty. Ive just hacked my OHs Instagram and its majorly bitten me in the arse. I've found messages that have majorly upset him me, him talking to a girl about going round there etc when I'd gone out for the day with DD. He's used that opportunity to try and see another girl? I know I shouldn't have gone through his stuff like that. But the way he's been acting lately, really protective of his phone, secretive over where he's going etc..with a young baby to look after all day and me feeling like I just don't matter to him anymore, how could I not look? What should I do now? Do I have a leg to stand on, considering the way I've come across it?

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 31/10/2016 16:30

With regards to the woman he was messaging not reciprocating his advances - I found texts on my ex's phone to this effect. Whoever she was, she wasn't interested (about five years ago). He eventually found one who was (and who knew about DS and I).

You've done the right thing. He's making a lot of promises and declarations right now. I can't say for sure if it's BS; I don't know him. I'd just go with your gut feeling. Right now, you can't trust him. Your DD needs decent male role models, not shitty ones, or the cycle of accepting lousy behaviour will continue with her.

HappyAxolotl · 31/10/2016 16:32

Yep, they always love you to the ends of the earth and promise you the moon on the day they find themselves flung oot, despite treating you as an utter irrelevance up until that point.

Do all these wallies work from a book or something?

You'll be great OP.

Mynestisfullofempty · 31/10/2016 16:34

Sorry, OP, but I have to ask what on earth this means:- "so il have to just come round and tense;)"

Original poster
Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 16:34

We had a similar situation when I was pregnant. Not about his talking to anyone else just his attitude.. And he said "I can't wait for this baby, can't wait to go to the shop and get whatever you're craving in the middle of the night, massage your swollen feet and be a family" he bit my head off if I asked him for a bloody glass of water let alone sent him out, still expected and got dinner every night and everything else done for him, refused to give me a back massage because he just "knew" it wouldn't help so there was no point and has shown no family values whatsoever so I know any promises are bullshit

OP posts:
Original poster
Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 16:37

mynest tense his muscles. As in he doesn't know what he's doing but he'll make sure he looks good. Thinks he's fit

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 31/10/2016 16:37

Please hang in there OP. What he says when confronted with your discovery will be out of desperation. The real man has revealed himself in his messages.

Bluntness100 · 31/10/2016 16:41

I'm in two minds here, he actually hasn't don't anything past flirting as far as you know. There could be stuff uou don't know. Something made you act.

So you have two options, either bide your time and watch to see if he does more, or just confront him. Don't feel guilty, if I was confronting my husband on this stuff, which I would immediately, he wouldn't even be able to finish the sentence on invading his privacy. The conversation would be about what he was doing, however confronting him now could simply drive what he's doing further under cover and cause him to be more careful.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 31/10/2016 16:43

christine. Ewwwww! He's going to pose?! Like a muscle man? For that reason alone, get rid! Yuck. Vanity, self-delusion and dishonesty. He's got it all going on!

Hidingtonothing · 31/10/2016 16:47

OP you've done the right thing, the strong thing, for you and DD. Everything Grinchy said about modelling good relationships and parenting for DD was spot on and, although it might be hard to begin with, you will do a better job for her and have a happier life yourself without someone like him weighing you down Flowers

gillybeanz · 31/10/2016 16:56

He sounds vile OP, irrespective of what messages he sends other women.
You are worth so much more.

HerOtherHalf · 31/10/2016 16:57

Playing devil's advocate but where exactly in the OP's posts is there any clear evidence that he is intended to play away? Is it beyond the realms of possibility that he has female friends but keeps his interactions with them low key because he knows his partner has trust issues?

Take this as an example:

"..... a girl asking if he would give her a lift and he said "I'm in hospital with (me) atm, sorry". Not "no I have a partner and child on the way and don't need to waste my time or fuel on drunk girls" just "I can't sorry""

How is that anything more than being asked to give a lift to a friend (who happens to be female)? The OP seems to think it's telling that he only refers to her by name and doesn't spell out that she is also his partner. Just maybe the friend wanting the lift knows OP's name and that they are in a relationship so doesn't need a detailed explanation of who she is.

Sorry, but based on the evidence provided I'm more inclined to believe the OP is the one at fault here. But hey-ho, let's just hang the guy out to dry as a serial would-be cheater because he dares to have friends of the opposite sex. If this was a thread about a woman who's BF was making it difficult for her to have male friends, snooping through her phone and going ape over any conversations with males and accusing her of cheating, I suspect most of you would be reacting quite differently.

I'm open to be persuaded though. OP, if there is any clear evidence (without stretches of your imagination) that he was actually trying to meet up with someone for sex feel free to elaborate.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 17:02

It would be my fault wouldn't it. Him responding in that way to be asked for a lift had nothing to do with him mentioning me or my name, I just meant that shouldn't have been his reason. "No sorry, I don't do lifts anymore" would be more suiting, he has a pregnant Mrs in hospital. Why did she feel it was acceptable to ask that? I wouldn't ask someone with a girlfriend and child for a lift, it's just disrespectful

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 31/10/2016 17:04

Christine, don't waste your precious life, it really is too short to be miserable. He is a dirty chancer, or even a cheat.
Teach your daughter to value herself, you both deserve better.

Cocklodger · 31/10/2016 17:06

Christine- You wouldn't ask for a lift off someone if they had a wife and child?
Why ever not?

Cocklodger · 31/10/2016 17:07

Irrespective of my curiosity,
YANBU.
He's a twat.
Get rid, stay rid.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 17:10

To the doctors or supermarket maybe if they were a friend. I wouldn't expect someone to get out of bed and pick up a pissed up me at the end of a night out, it just doesn't seem appropriate

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 31/10/2016 17:14

To the doctors or supermarket maybe if they were a friend. I wouldn't expect someone to get out of bed and pick up a pissed up me at the end of a night out, it just doesn't seem appropriate

You're just reinforcing my suspicion that you are neurotic. A friend asked him for a lift, he said no. That's it. How you can deduce that he was wanting to do anything inappropriate from that is beyond me. The time of day she asked or the manner in which he declined does not support your suspicions, no matter how much you want think it does.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 17:17

Someone asked what else I found, that was one of the things..not the reason for this thread..I wouldn't leave him over that. Others aren't as moral as me I get that, I'm just saying I personally wouldn't ask a bloke with a gf, let alone family to come and pick me up after a night out. I'm not his problem, the fact that he didn't highlight the real reason (or reason I would have liked) just bugged me a bit. I haven't made a big deal over it

OP posts:
Original poster
Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 17:18

I know for a fact she's not a friend aswell. She's a girl he's met when he was on the club scene himself. I would have no problem with him helping a friend out

OP posts:
Shemozzle · 31/10/2016 17:18

herotherhalf He said he'd love to come round and fix a girls telly, but he doesn't actually know anything about fixing them. Then he said maybe he could just stand there and pretend and tense his muscles. The girl said her boyfriend was there and he responded 'maybe not now then'. That shows intent to me. OP had also said he waits for dinner that she cooks each night and then spends the rest of the evening in bed, playing on his phone and ignoring her and not helping with their baby. He's also started many conversations with other girls but they haven't responded. Yes, he hasn't cheated and some of it in normal circumstances may not even be considered flirting, but all together, the lack of communication and conversation and his crap attempts at talking to other random girls instead does describe a pretty weak relationship and character.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 17:21

Asking girls working abroad in clubs how the "life of bikinis sun and drink was" telling them to shut their eyes and imagine he's there, saying "you should put me up for a week!" Doesn't sound like the words of a committed family man to me

OP posts:
HerOtherHalf · 31/10/2016 17:30

Shemozzle

I don't see intent, at least not clear evidence. The tensing remark could have been a running joke between them or he could have been meaning that he might intimidate the telly into working with a display of his manly physique. There is nothing in that exchange between them to clearly indicate either he or she was trying to initiate a romantic liaison. If that was the intent it would have been a damn sight more obvious.

The OP just continues to reinforce my suspicion that she has no evidence of him actually trying it on with someone else. She just can't handle him having any contact with the opposite sex unless it is under her direct supervision.

I'll give her the support she's looking for though and fall into line with the majority. Get rid of him.

He deserves better.

Original poster
Christinedonna · 31/10/2016 17:35

herotherhalf you're clearly dim.

OP posts:
Cloudylemons · 31/10/2016 17:35

Op he would like to cheat, even if he hasn't yet. Most men don't just leave until they've got someone to go to, in my opinion anyway. Without meaning to sound cruel, from what you say he has lost interest in his relationship with you and he's now on the lookout for someone new. I think you've done the right thing. Good luck later on tonight when he gets home.

ChunkyMcBitch · 31/10/2016 17:39

I should have left my cheating arsehole when he did it the first time. If they cheat on you once and you forgive, pound to a penny they will do it again next time they feel you aren't giving them enough attention (sickbag).