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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
Manumission · 30/10/2016 19:00

Yes, I really REALLY would drop the 'we' business.

The poor woman has been listening to 'we' since before she even gave birth, I imagine. What woman with a baby would appreciate that?

PhantasmMode · 30/10/2016 19:00

You do sound very young.

In love straight away? Really?

Attraction sure but you knew nothing about him.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:00

In no point in any of you're statements do you say what you believe to be in the best interests of the child you say we want 50/50 we want DSD over night.

There's no regard for your DSD feelings

BitchPeas · 30/10/2016 19:00

And stop with the 'we' you are just his pregnant girlfriend, not her third parent.

Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 19:00

DP is trying his best, and obviously he gets really upset about not seeing dsd more, but he's worried about getting on the wrong side of the ex in case she stops contact

OP posts:
Manumission · 30/10/2016 19:00

Yes, I really REALLY would drop the 'we' business.

The poor woman has been listening to 'we' since before she even gave birth, I imagine. What woman with a baby would appreciate that?

ElizaDontlittle · 30/10/2016 19:02

Why hasn't he gone to court? The ball is very much in his court but he's not doing anything with it by the sounds of things.

It's hard when family don't support you - it inevitably requires a distancing of relationship. Time will tell whether, with 20/20 hindsight, you realise their reservations were entirely correct.

galaxygirl45 · 30/10/2016 19:03

I don't mean this to sound patronising in any way, but when you have a child of your own, you will understand how it feels as a mum to hand your child over to someone else.....it isn't nice, and she has to put a lot of trust into your partner and you. And being pregnant yourself, surely you can have some empathy with how she must have felt doing that alone??? You don't have to like the ex, but you do have to respect her and her decisions. I can understand why your sister reacted like she did tbh. This woman is in your lfe for the long haul...........and her decisions will always impact on yours.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:03

Does he pay cm? It's not about him though is it, it's about his DD not you not him.

CalleighDoodle · 30/10/2016 19:03

In that case op he should do this officially in court. If that is his priority.

How often does he have her now?

Fortitudine · 30/10/2016 19:03

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Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 19:04

Yes DP does pay for dsd and yes our baby was planned

As for caring about dsd feelings- well surely she deserves to have a relationship with her father? Which is hard at the minute because DP doesn't see her enough and his time with her is so rushed. Then he gets upset and how is that not my problem as well?

OP posts:
Jinglebellsandv0dka · 30/10/2016 19:05

DP is trying his best, and obviously he gets really upset about not seeing dsd more, but he's worried about getting on the wrong side of the ex in case she stops contact

That old chestnut. Honestly op there is actually a lot your dp can do - that's why your dsis is probably getting pisssd off with dsd treatment

sesise · 30/10/2016 19:05

Let's be straight here. Whatever the ex does, says, implies, will be wrong.

I bet if she ignores your Facebook she is wrong, and clearly jealous. If she comments, whatever she says is wrong. If she lets you have your DSD, she's wrong and a bad mum. If she doesn't, she's also wrong and a bad mum.

You're jealous. That's not a hanging offence, but it could be a lethal one if you do actually want this to work. Because you are pregnant with that little girls brother or sister.

Emmaghoul · 30/10/2016 19:06

What if your DP goes back to his ex, and subsequently you have to handover your baby to them both, every other weekend and twice a week for tea? You wouldn't be happy, would you? Your situation sounds like a script for the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 19:06

As for caring about dsd feelings- well surely she deserves to have a relationship with her father?

If that's what you want for them, step back.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 19:06

As for caring about dsd feelings- well surely she deserves to have a relationship with her father?

If that's what you want for them, step back.

springydaffs · 30/10/2016 19:06

Promise me you will try to see things from ex's perspective once you have your baby (congratulations btw)

You'll have your new baby and someone will come along and say 'We want your baby 50/50!' and will treat you like you're a pain who is manipulative and getting in the way of their Great Love.

Promise me you will try it when the time comes and the dust has settled

user1475249801 · 30/10/2016 19:07

I think your DP should take it to court. I don't know how much luck he'll have but it's worth a try if he really wants more contact.

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 19:07

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Aderyn2016 · 30/10/2016 19:07

Your dp gets his dd eow and twice a week. That is long enough for a 2 year old to be away from her mum!
In a few months time when you are holding your newborn, imagine handing that baby over to an ex bf and his new gf. It will physically hurt you to even contemplate it. Your dp's ex had to actually live it. So when you actually have a baby, think back with some compassion.
I suspect this is what causes conflict with your sister and at this point she does know more about what is good for dsd than you!

Gingermuffin · 30/10/2016 19:08

Picture this. You and DP have a massive barny over the wedding plans and other stresses that have all built up. You decide to have a break and give each other some space.

Next week you are missing him and think it's about time you sort things out and get back on track but before you get chance he tells you he has met somebody else and it's over. You are now pregnant and alone.

You have nobody to rub your back when it's aching, nobody to talk to when you are worried about random aspects of impending parenthood at 3 o'clock in the morning, nobody to tell you to put your feet up and make you a cup of tea when you're finding it all a bit much and you are facing being responsible for this brand new little person on your own.

You manage as well as you can and your baby is born and is your whole entire world. Then ex and his new girlfriend now decide that he is the father, he has rights and they want 50:50 access to your brand new baby. They effectively want you to tear you away from your baby for 50% of the time. The baby that you carried and brought into this world all on your own.

How would you feel?

slenderisthenight · 30/10/2016 19:09

I don't think you 'get' what it's like to be a mum, OP. You've made it sounds like you think your DP should have his girl 50% of the time. But a young child generally needs their mum a lot more than that - and TBH a mum usually needs her baby a lot more than that.

When you have a child you will probably see that having 'nights out' and 'child free' time is not the support that a new mum really needs.

It's a pity that your DP didn't give things a go again with his ex because that would have meant she had both parents all the time. But there you go. He's paying a high price.

I would understand the ex thinking there was a moral obligation on his shoulders to try again when they'd been together over such a long period of time. You don't seem to see that or the advantages there would have been in that for this little girl. You're not thinking like a parent so no, you don't get to second guess a parent's decisions.

Stop saying the child is 'hard work'. All children require work and constant care. They are not 'work'. They are children.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 30/10/2016 19:10

Also who would dsd be stsying with over night at the wedding?

Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 19:10

I get that the ex would have found it hard, but she really was never that interested in DP, she called the shots and expected him to come running as and when,I doubt she was that upset at us getting together.

I see that it's been hard for her with dsd coming here, but I don't know what I or DP are meant to do about that, it's what happens when parents are separated and we have tried to keep things as amicable as possible

OP posts:
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