Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

[Ilovepapaya]

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

I have to admit, I don't understand why OP's partner doesn't go to court to settle this if he wanted 50/50 and is only allowed a couple of times a week excluding overnight. And here I am fighting his battles

Anyway, for the sake of the argument, I don't believe a 2yo shouldn't be allowed to spend the night with his dad. At this age my DCs were allowed to spend the night at their grandparents.

Bubblegum
You can say that an overnight doesn't make a difference to the dad, but then why doesn't it make one to the mum? Overnight means bedtime story, cuddles, it is a very special time in my opinion.

Bruce why do you say the father has failed to bond with the child?

OP, I doubt you're still reading but I do think you need to accept that parenting a child of this age is all about consistency and predictability. Someone has to be in charge, overseeing and looking at the big picture and it needs to be the primary caregiver.

Your DP's ex wants to know what the child will be doing because she will be calculating how well the child will manage with that in terms of what will be eaten, rests, getting over-tired. If your DP was an engaged dad, TBH he would be welcoming that. The information and guidance given by his ex should be a lifeline here. Instead, you want to control the information that is going back and forth between them.

A primary caregiver does need to know exactly what has happened to the child because even a small change that may seem insignificant to you could influence her parenting. Bear in mind that a two year old can't give any information so important stuff like what they've eaten, what's excited or scared them, whether they've had their walk etc., how they napped all has to come from the other parent.

Toddlers need food, rests, walks, play, consistent discipline and not too much excitement. Your DP has to work with his ex to deliver this. They can't really be too close IMO as far as parenting is concerned. If you both try to parent in little vacuums it will be horrendous for the child's security and on a practical level, for their comfort day-to-day. Please wise up.

Bruce why do you say the father has failed to bond with the child?

Because the op does

Living I suspect the OP's dp hasn't gone to court to try and get 50/50 because in reality he doesn't want it all that much (not enough to spend the money on court costs anyway) .
The impression I get from the OP is that there is a lot of focus on 'their' entitlements and not much focus on what is best for the baby or the mother, who has done all the hard bits by herself and who quite rightly imo doesn't want to hand her baby over to dad and gf to play happy families with, when they clearly don't know which end is up when it comes to kids!

I doubt the OP is still reading this either, she obviously disagrees with what the vast majority have been saying as she just cannot see it from the child's mother's point of view.

FWIW, I feel sorry for the ex as I think the OP has an awful attitude and sounds completely blinded by her DP, there are so many alarm bells going on in my head that she just can't see or hear - ditching on/off/on/off expectant mother of child for a new relationship, not bonding with child despite seeing her 2-3 times a week for 2.5 years to name just a couple.

I'm with the OP'S sister and family on this and hope she apologises to her (though I doubt very much she will).

ditching on/off/on/off expectant mother of child for a new relationship

Where does the OP says that he did the ditching?

There is a lot of assumptions being made by some and some downright nasty posts.

Ok, maybe not ditching as she may have been the one to end it originally but from other posts it sounds as though he's put more effort in to the new relationship than his daughter or actually trying to get the extra days or overnight visits he wants or could be entitled to via the courts.

I don't think what I've said is nasty in any way though.

Piglet

The OP said something about the ex expecting him to come running back. If she is right about this then the ex obviously wanted the relationship to resume

Gone, OP?

I do wonder what the responses would be to a thread along the lines of 'DD's dad is getting married to the OW he left us for when I was pregnant and doesn't want her at the wedding because he says nobody can look after her'...

Whatever they might be (and fwiw I reckon you'd be doing well to start a thread about a 2 year old at a wedding without people piling in sharing their stories of how little fun it is) it doesn't change the fact that having her there will be a pain in the tits. And that the plan is for her to stay overnight in a strange place with someone she's not used to having overnights with, and wouldn't be used to even if she were regularly staying at her father's.

Go to Court, get it sorted; include the build up to overnight and ultimately 50/60. He's had 2 years to save, so if he starts saving now he might be able to go to Court by the time dsd's 4.

You can bet that ex will get more difficult, so assume from now that she's hostile and act accordingly. It's not amicable now, so he's being a bit of a twit trying to 'keep things amicable'. Just behave sensibly and plan for Court.

Congrats on pg and wedding btw.

I can't stand my Dsis DP - but he's not my man and I don't control her, so I keep my own counsel.

The ex may be reasonable or may not - but as OP is the "stepmother" as it were then she isn't going to be deemed reasonable, in the main. At 2 years old my DDs could stay with their grandmother overnight, their aunt too. This little girl knows OP she is not a stranger and presumably stays overnight at their home sometimes, at least? She also has a father. I don't see it as logical that "mummy cuddles" are so essential at night that mummy must ALWAYS be there and nobody else can be. Her father is there.

Only thing that comes to mind here is, its a wedding event and whole day may be too much for DSD, + the night. Thats all. Ex gfriend probably doesnt feel good about him marrying the woman he was with immediately after her, especially as OP is pregant. Who knows? But its happened.

DP should go to court for parental access although Ive know situations in the past whereby going to court caused so much animosity. Can't know whether he is worried about that but still, OP didnt ask for advice on what her DP should do re access she asked about not being able to keep DSD overnight, and about whether she should apologise to DSis

Reservations re overnight (only due to length of event etc, not due to it being absolutely essential mum is with DD every single night to tuck her in), but no I don't think she should apologise to DSis, I think if DSis didnt like what she felt was "moaning" re DSD then she was absolutely right to say so - but she should have kept her mouth shut about DP, given that OP is pregnant and marrying her DP in a few weeks. Hopefully after both have cooled down it will sort itself out

Some nasty posts on here, likely best OP doesn't come back

Small point, but the child's mother hasn't denied access. She has denied overnight stays but that is her prerogative given that she is the mother and knows more about what is best for her baby than either the non resident father or his clueless girlfriend!
There is nothing here to say she hasn't bern amicable. Hostile would have been refusing all contact or denying he is the father and making him prove it before allowing access. She has presumably done none of that.
All she has done is tell him that she does not think overnight is a good idea at this point and if he disagrees he can put his money where his mouth is and let the court decide. That he has money for a wedding a new baby but none for court is somewhat telling as regards his priorities, is it not?

How is the Mum hostile? There's no evidence of it apart from the OPs complaints which are not exactly going to be objective. Anyway, DD is already having regular contact with her Dad and tbh if he was that bothered about the nature and frequency of the contact he surely would have done something about it by now.

Some nasty posts on here, likely best OP doesn't come back

Completely agree.

Lots of projecting and assumptions too.

OP where are you?
Did you unsubscribe from the thread when you saw it was going against you?
If that's the way you operate, your DSis must have been extremely frustrated with you to have told you off.

Aderyn

It's rather 'telling' that you have assumed the father of this child is not going to court for financial reasons rather than, as stated upthread, that he wants to keep things amicable if possible. You're not exactly objective, are you.

The OP said upthread that it is money, stress and time if he went to court. Her words, not mine. Things don't seem very amicable to me, at least not from the OPs pov. I think the mother of the child is being very fair tbh.
If I felt I wasn't getting enough time with my child, rectifying that would be my absolute priority.

She also said they didn't want to go to court because they wanted to reach a n arrangement amicably. That makes no difference to her pointing out that going to court would also be a stupid thing to do unless as a last resort because of money, stress and time and the risk of it leading to animosity that would result in less access.

In your subjective opinion, it is the financial aspect of this that weights most heavily with him. There is no objective evidence for that on the thread. What you would consider the most effective way to get contact increased (and related judgements you might make about others) is irrelevant to the facts as given by the OP, which you are very selectively interpreting.

The facts to me are that he thinks he is being hard done by in seeing his child 3 times per week because he does not have his dc overnight. Or at least his gf does.
My view on it is that this is not an insignificant amount of time to see a baby - the child's mother hasn't blocked access or denied him a relationship. But as the primary carer she does not want her child to do overnight stays. As far as the wedding day goes, the father wouldn't even be the one looking after the child overnight. It is her prerogative to set terms according to what she feels is best unless a court says otherwise. If he feels that is unjust, then he has the option to go to court. The OP's posts do not read to me as those of someone who wishes to be amicable - they show no understanding of how the child or mother might feel or acknowledgement of how hard it is to have a baby alone, while your very recent ex has a new gf and baby on the way.

I know that if I felt deprived of access to my child (as the OP feels her dp is), my priority would be to rectify that through the court. If the OPs dp chooses not to, then yes, I conclude that it isn't that much of a priority.

For the record, if I am selectively interpreting facts, then you are too. But nothing on MN can ever be truly objective, as we always get an op from someone who is invested in the situation and we all bring our own opinions to our posts. I make no apology for that.

I agree - his access seems fine to me. His GF is not amicable through cluelessness rather than outright antagonism; it's her desire to be amicable although this seems to look like everyone doing what she wants, rather than any understanding or empathy for the positions of others.

The OPs feelings will not perfectly reflect her DPs. He may not feel the access situation is currently untenable but may feel it will become untenable if it doesn't change. You also place no weight on what is probably a very real concern for him - the possibility that going to court will result in reduced access in the long term.

I still think you're being judgemental because there are so many factors that may not be down to a lack of concern on his part.

I am being judgemental because I feel so sorry for the exgf in this situation. I don't think the OP is an awful person - I said up thread that she is more clueless but there are none so blind as those who don't want to see. Anyway, I hope that when she has her own baby, she develops more of an understanding for the exgf's position and the increased empathy might soften everyone's position.

I doubt the court would decrease contact given that this arrangement has already been in place for some time and has worked out okay, for the most part.

I think you're right there.

I've not RTFT yet, because this jumped out at me:-

Of course he can't look after her at his own wedding! If our baby was here by then, Mil would be looking after it too! Surely that's what happens at weddings!?

You're quite right, OP. Of course your DP can't look after his firstborn child at his wedding to you... and of course, if your baby were here for it, you wouldn't be expected to care for it on your special day where you expect to be the focal point of absolutely everything. Be honest with yourself... do you want DP's firstborn there just to look cute in a little flower girl outfit as you play "happy families" for the benefit of the extended families - both yours and his? To perhaps make them all look at you in awe and wonder... not only at your radiant beauty in your wedding dress (every bride is beautiful, after all), but also at how generous you have been in allowing your DP's firstborn child to attend your day? To display, like a preening cock, your graciousness in smiling beatifically at her as she throws a tantrum, perhaps, or refuses to posture and smile to order for the photographs... because, after all, you are so much better than your DP's ex and the mother of his firstborn child, aren't you?! You won such a prize in him, after all, that of course everyone must understand your desire to flaunt his... not yours, but his... daughter at your wedding.

As a PP said, you sound very young. Immature. Perhaps this might not have crossed your mind, but maybe... just maybe... your DP's ex and this tiny child's mother, doesn't object to anything concerning you whatsoever. In fact, perhaps she is only being a decent mother by standing up for what is best for her child. Yes, your DP's firstborn has the right to have/build a relationship with her father... but that's her right, not your DP's and certainly not yours.

Actually, I have to confess to a little bit of bias, here. If this was 7 years ago, and your DP's child was (a) a boy and (b) 4 years old as opposed to 2, I might suspect that you were my son's putative stepmother having a whinge about the fact that I wouldn't allow my ex to use our son as a prop for his wedding. I like my ex's wife. I have a lot of respect for her, and I know that she loves my son as though he were her own... whilst understanding that he's actually my son. I spend time with my son's half-siblings (actually, I have them this weekend, whilst my ex takes his Mrs away as a birthday surprise... something which, incidentally, he never did for me!). But I didn't trust her, or like her one little bit when she first appeared on the scene. I was, actually, very anti her and objected strongly to her spending any time whatsoever with my son (who spends 9 hours EOW with his DF and his stepmother... their choice, not my son's, but that's not the point) because she did what you are doing.

She tried to be my son's mother.

He was only 2 years older than your DP's child is now, and was horribly confused by the wedding. But being 2 years older, he could vocalise that confusion... your DP's daughter won't be able to. But she will be confused and probably very upset by the whole thing... yet unable to vocalise that.

Your DP's ex is trying to protect her child from being hurt.

I suggest you take a gigantic leap backwards and allow her to get on with doing something that both you and your DP seem completely unable to do, yourselves... putting that little girl first.

And I sincerely hope that one day, you'll be able to build a relationship with the mother of your DP's firstborn child which is based on mutual respect and the desire to put his children first. Although I do have a sinking feeling that you'll also have to do this with the mother, perhaps even mothers, of the children he'll help create after you.

What a prize you feel the need to flaunt.

Interestingly, my exh's new wife also thought she was my children's mother. And she was in her 40s.

Just saying.