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AIBU?

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
Rainydayspending · 30/10/2016 18:10

Can dp's parents transport their granddaughter?

stella23 · 30/10/2016 18:10

It really has spoilt the early days of our relationship and times when we should have been relaxed and having fun. would thus be when she was pregnant! Honestly he got together with a you a week after he left his gf. Not much time for the water to settle I'm not surprised she's making it difficult for him.

But in regards to your wedding what would you like to happens, would you like to dsd to be there over night? Who would look after her?

user1471545174 · 30/10/2016 18:10

DSD doesn't need to be at the wedding - she is 2.

NickiFury · 30/10/2016 18:10

It really has spoilt the early days of our relationship and times when we should have been relaxed and having fun

But he wasn't in a position to be doing that was he!? He was an expectant father. The ex is is no way to blame for that. I would have a bowed out and I think your sister sounds bang on to be honest.

user1475249801 · 30/10/2016 18:10

Your DSD's mother is looking out for her DD. I wouldn't really want my very young DD staying o/n too often if at all with an ex and his girlfriend.

It's not just 'an ex' is it though? It's the child's other parent.

Emeralda · 30/10/2016 18:11

Sometimes friends and family judge relationships, sometimes they just don't understand a situation that's outwith their experience, sometimes people are just worried that things are going to get complicated for someone they love (you). Whatever it is, I wouldn't bother asking their advice or explaining things to them for now. Let the dust settle and decide whether it's important for you to be on good terms with your sister, in which case, apologise. Like it or not, maybe your family are right about some things. Step-families are complicated. You can't keep everyone happy all the time but try to imagine how other people (like DSDs mum) might feel. Is staying overnight at the wedding the best thing for a 2 year old anyway? Whose needs would that be meeting, hers or yours?

PeggyMitchell123 · 30/10/2016 18:12

Your expectations are too high for the ex, no new mother is going to hand her baby over to her ex and his new girlfriend 50/50 straight away. No new mother is not going to ask questions about where her baby is and what she is doing and some mothers do hover more than others, especially if like the ex they have done pregnancy and early days by themselves. You will understand that soon enough. Maybe then that's why your sister gets annoyed with your moaning because she as a mother does get it.

user1471545174 · 30/10/2016 18:13

Why does DSD need to attend?

rumpelstiltskin43 · 30/10/2016 18:13

Does DP have any kind of custody order?

CheddarGorgeous · 30/10/2016 18:14

Agree with other posters, it's completely natural for the mother of a very young child to not want to let them out of your sight. Your DP should be more understanding of that and you should stay out of it.

DearMrDilkington · 30/10/2016 18:14

It really has spoilt the early days of our relationship and times when we should have been relaxed and having fun.

You didn't have to start a relationship with a man who was about to become a father, that was your choice and your painfully ignorant if you believed it would be all fun and games with all of that going on.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2016 18:15

I can see why your sister and parents are worried OP. He hadn't been spilt up for longer than a week when he met you; his ex then said she was pregnant and that child is only 2... Confused

I think the only thing you can realistically do is let your partner sort out his arrangements with his daughter for your wedding - and stop talking about these with your parents and sister. The more information you give them, the more they will either worry - or use it for ammunition.

stella23 · 30/10/2016 18:16

split up a week when we got together. hmmm got together or met? Were you the reason for the eventual split?

DearMrDilkington · 30/10/2016 18:16

Can I ask did they split up when they found out she was pregnant? If so, who's choice was that?

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 18:17

It really has spoilt the early days of our relationship and times when we should have been relaxed and having fun.

No he was an expectant father. Which you knew, that should have taken priority. Not your relaxation and fun.

I suspect your sister is right. Your relationship with dp is non of her business. But she can decide wether she wants to listen to you moaning about it.

Also I suspect she is saying it now as she thinks you shouldn't get married. It's clear you don't like and resent the ex. She probably thinks this will continue.

And to be honest I my sister got with a man who had a pregnant ex then moaned a lot about the fact that the ex is still involved in his life, I would probably tell her straight too.

DearMrDilkington · 30/10/2016 18:17

Sorry for typos!

Richardhun · 30/10/2016 18:17

Honestly you seem to be contradicting yourself.

What do you mean, she wAs calling the shots and spoiling your fun?

Do you meAn that she didn't let you have the baby and play happy families?

I would let my baby stay out all night, I see her point.

Emeralda · 30/10/2016 18:17

By the way, OP, step-parenting posts rarely go well in AIBU.

PaulDacresConscience · 30/10/2016 18:18

Taking the issues about access at face value, your partner needs to contact his Ex and ask for the arrangements to be reviewed if he wants more contact. If the child is now 2 I can understand why his Ex may have been reluctant to go 50/50 at such a young age, but as his DD gets older it's important that she has time with both parents. It's also important that his Ex learns that she cannot expect to be told about every moment of the time when DD is with her Dad. Mediation might be a good idea, to help them come to an agreement without things getting nasty.

In terms of your expectations, I think you are being a bit unrealistic to expect a newly pregnant woman not to have caused a bit of a shadow over your new relationship. He'd been separated from her for exactly one week when he met you. Think about how hormonal and tired and different you feel now in the early stages of pregnancy - now picture your partner being off playing love's young dream with a new woman and think about how you'd feel. Some sympathy with her might not go amiss, plus some consideration about the fact that she may be finding it difficult watching her DD being parented by you.

HaveNoSocks · 30/10/2016 18:18

Whether or not you moan too much about dsd your sister sounds very insensitive in this case. It doesn't sound like your family are a good sounding bored for issues with your DSD though - perhaps ask advice from a friend instead. I think whether or not DP should have remained single or not is kind of irrelevant now. Clearly the relationship is going ahead and they're getting married so the time to air reservations has passed.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 18:18

They were split up a week and you got together?? Red flag right there I wouldn't be surprised if there was a cross over. I would be mortified if my DD got with a man who got another pregnant ( I've been a single mother and it's hard) now you're pregnant is such a short space of time.

As a mum wouldn't want my DD at 2 sleeping out every week either and it's far too long all day and night wedding. You say the ex ruined your early days in you're relationship , did you give her a second thought of she was feeling coping being pregnant on her own? You seem to be rushing into getting married and pregnant could you felt abit threatened incase he decides to go back?

I bet you have openly discussed the ex and the situation and your family are getting sick of hearing you being negative about this lady hence why your parents agree with your DSis.

springydaffs · 30/10/2016 18:19

When you become a mother you'll get where ex is coming from I hope

Yes he's dsd's father but that doesn't give him automatic rights like a slot machine. He has to earn it, for a start - not with ex so much but it's a relationship, not a right.

They'd been split for a week! A week! You say you didn't get together immediately - do you mean a few hours is immediately? A week is immediately. A month isn't far off immediately, actually.

How did he put his proposal that he have dsd 50/50? Was he respectful? If he wasn't then it's no wonder ex clammed up.

Your sis may be able to see all this and it sounds like she's kept quiet for a long time.

You talk as though ex is an irritant you wish would piss off. You want her child but not her. That's never going to go well...

MagikarpetRide · 30/10/2016 18:19

Taking out all the surrounding stuff, your sister took a pop at you, you responded and now you're being asked to extend the first apology. YANBU for thinking it should come from her first but it's up to you whether you want to take the higher ground though.

FWIW my sister and I are completely NC over things like this and my DPs always getting involved telling me to be the bigger person - one say she pushed it too far and pretty much opened Pandora's box. TBH I wish I'd had the balls earlier to say the apology needs to be two ways at least - I'll own my actions but she needs to own hers. But that's my situation and may not relate to yours.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/10/2016 18:21

You got together with a man who had only been split up from his ex for a week, and then stayed with him knowing his ex was very newly pregnant. I'm sorry but no wonder his ex is a bit funny with you!

You chose to stay with him despite all that. Now I'm afraid you're reaping the consequences. She will be protective of her DD and of course she doesn't want to send her 2yo off overnight! You'll be the same when your baby is that age I'm sure. You really need to have some sympathy for her - she must have found it really hard.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/10/2016 18:21

You got together with a man who had only been split up from his ex for a week, and then stayed with him knowing his ex was very newly pregnant. I'm sorry but no wonder his ex is a bit funny with you!

You chose to stay with him despite all that. Now I'm afraid you're reaping the consequences. She will be protective of her DD and of course she doesn't want to send her 2yo off overnight! You'll be the same when your baby is that age I'm sure. You really need to have some sympathy for her - she must have found it really hard.

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