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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 30/10/2016 19:11

I think the ex is being more than amicable given the circumstances. Chances are her DD will be pushed out when the new child comes along as is usually the case. She will also be the one picking up the pieces when the whirlwind romance goes pear shaped.

If this was truly about him building a relationship with his daughter then he wouldn't have been in a rush to marry someone else or have even less time for his existing child by having another.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 19:11

Everyone is saying roughly the same thing to you OP.

Most of us have had babies and small children, I would guess.

What do you think about the unanimity of response you are getting?

Manumission · 30/10/2016 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flippinada · 30/10/2016 19:12

As for caring about dsd feelings- well surely she deserves to have a relationship with her father?

The question you should be asking is does your DP deserve a relationship with his daughter. It's about what's in her best interests, not what your DP wants. She's not a trophy to be paraded about.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:12

Who's idea was the baby op yours or his? You sound threathened. 2 year olds are clingy even 3years are he should enjoy the time he has now and build on the relationship he has. Gosh my ex used to see DS in a contact centre every 2weeks when he was 2. (He had being doing drugs and contact broke down for a while he didn't see DS).He worked at his relationship with DS for DS he understood he had to build on that time together and eventfully it moved away from contact centre then to some more hours once a week, then eventfully overnight once a week to then twice a week. It all required hard work and going at DS pace and he has a good relationship with his DF he has a fortnight holiday access a year. You can't click you're fingers and expect to have the same level of relationship he would of had, had he lived with her from the start.

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 19:12

It is another one of those which is unanimous that the OP IBU, apart from the sock puppet, and she insists she is NBU.

This little girl is 2. TWO!!!!!!!!

She is a baby. It is not in her interests to spend 50% of her time with a father who has treated her mother like dirt and who's next GF is as controlling as he is and scornful of her mother.

user1471545174 · 30/10/2016 19:12

I keep missing the point of the rest of the thread to reiterate - WHY does tiny DSD need to be at the wedding at all? Let alone without her mum, and overnight!!

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 19:14

I understand it must be hard for the ex as a single mum, but we are willing to help her out by keeping dsd more, when she needs childfree time or wants to go out, and she refuses

You clearly don't understand. That paragraph says it all. Being a single parent isn't only hard because you don't have partner to give you a break. It's hard for tons of reasons. You did understand how hard being a single parent is until you are one.

As for the 'it would have been perfect if not for the ex' is total bullshit, because she was pregnant so there is no ' if this didn't happen' . It did and you made your choice.

Secondly you don't know it would have been perfect. Often couples get pushed together in the early days by something dramatic happening. If the ex hadn't have been pregnant you may have found that the relationship fizzled out. As it is, it's seems you both decided to you were star crossed lovers and stood against the world together. Who knows what would have happened.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 19:16

but she really was never that interested in DP, she called the shots and expected him to come running as and when,I doubt she was that upset at us getting together.

You don't know that. You don't know her. You haven't been inside that relationship. You certainly haven't been inside her head.

In any case, once there's a child with parents who aren't together, there is bound to be reflection and guilt and various emotions.

I see that it's been hard for her with dsd coming here, but I don't know what I or DP are meant to do about that,

You exercise TACT. You stop saying 'we'. You DON'T keep banging on about 50/50 for a small child. YOU step back and leave it to your DP and HE listens properly to what she thinks is best for their DD and why.

Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 19:16

Why wouldn't dsd be at the wedding? We were planning on her being a flower girl. She'd love to dress up and she'd have a ball. Mil was going to book a room and keep dsd with her overnight and keep an eye on her.

I'm sure I will feel differently when I'm a parent, but DP is a parent now and he's still feeling like this! His relationship with his daughter is just as important surely

OP posts:
user1475249801 · 30/10/2016 19:16

Gingermuffin

This situation is completely different though.

The DP and his ex had broken up several times and she had seen other people during those break ups.

The DP didn't know the ex was pregnant until he'd already started seeing OP. That's very different to knowingly leaving your pregnant fiance.

The DP didn't ask for 50/50 immediately. She said they wanted to build it up eventually. I agree that 2 may be a bit young for 50/50 access but it doesn't seem like the ex is open to increasing contact at all, at any stage.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:17

Btw the court would likely not grant anymore than youre do is currently getting you get two days during the week and eow!

CotswoldStrife · 30/10/2016 19:18

OP, the thread seems to agree with your family so you probably do need to apologise to your sister! She can empathise with your partner's ex (as I can) and I think you will too when your baby arrives.

I would be worried about a member of my family in your circumstances too.

CotswoldStrife · 30/10/2016 19:18

OP, the thread seems to agree with your family so you probably do need to apologise to your sister! She can empathise with your partner's ex (as I can) and I think you will too when your baby arrives.

I would be worried about a member of my family in your circumstances too.

user1471545174 · 30/10/2016 19:18

She won't have a bloody ball, OP. She is 2 and won't know or remember a thing. She isn't an animated doll.

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 19:19

The kid is 2. The DM is the main caregiver. And btw, OP, stop with the "we".

I'm currently pregnant. And the mere thought of giving away the LO is difficult. And to a woman this negative, that continued to think of DD's upbringing as something that should involve her?
Yes, I'd try to look out for my LO as well. The kid is "half me". I couldn't give my kid to somebody that couldn't accept this half. And especially not to somebody that has such a negative attitude!

The kid is 2. Twice a week is quite a lot.

So, your DP didn't get 50/50... that's what happens when you I pregnant your on-off gf and then get together with an other woman before the baby is even born.

Btw, your DP wanted 50/50 for a baby?! Angry

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 19:19

2 is still too young for over night you have to respect the exs wishes as mother, surely your mil can drop her off. It would be nice to have her present but it isn't necessary for her to be there and I do think it's just to play happy families.

BrokeBeforeXmas · 30/10/2016 19:20

This is horrible. How the hell do you know what the ex was feeling OP? You sound like hard work tbh. Did he support her through her pregnancy? Is that what you meant by her spoiling your fun in the early days?
And the fact that you planned to have a baby in this whole situation is just madness. Maybe you will become more understanding once you have your baby. Once your baby is born imagine having to hand her over to your partner and his gf for contact and we will see how you feel.

user1475249801 · 30/10/2016 19:20

She is a baby. It is not in her interests to spend 50% of her time with a father who has treated her mother like dirt

In what way has he treated her like dirt?

Revealall · 30/10/2016 19:21

Ilovepapaya ok she may have played your DP but he must have gone along with it. Why did he keep going back to her. If he loved her why not marry her if he didn't why sleep with her?
They may be done and dusted but her knowledge of him is that of a weak man. It is hardly surprising she doesn't rate him let alone that 2 year olds have ridged routines and strong attachment issues.
DSD doesn't need to be at this wedding if only out of consisderation for her.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2016 19:21

Your dp gets his dd eow and twice a week. That is long enough for a 2 year old to be away from her mum! In a few months time when you are holding your newborn, imagine handing that baby over to an ex bf and his new gf. It will physically hurt you to even contemplate it. Your dp's ex had to actually live it. So when you actually have a baby, think back with some compassion. I suspect this is what causes conflict with your sister and at this point she does know more about what is good for dsd than you!

^^This, with bells on.

His relationship with his daughter is just as important surely

I'm going to get flamed for this, but actually, no I don't think it is. And I do wonder if it will be for him when your baby arrives.

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 19:21

*when you impregnate

Your attitude is actually rather shitty. I think you should apologise...

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 19:22

A two year old doesn't really care about a wedding.

The DP didn't ask for 50/50 immediately. She said they wanted to build it up eventually. I agree that 2 may be a bit young for 50/50 access but it doesn't seem like the ex is open to increasing contact at all, at any stage

How do you know that? They already have her every other weekend and twice during the week. That's more than enough at two. How is not open to contact being increased at all?

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 19:23

I can see why your sister is sick of this.

SestraClone · 30/10/2016 19:23

Why are people saying 2 is too young to send an overnight with their own father? Odd!

They have her EOW already, so is quite used to staying overnight with her dad.