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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
Manumission · 30/10/2016 18:48

She certainly wasn't heartbroken,she had dumped DP plenty of times before and gone out with other people in between!

Heartbroken people don't have rebound flings?

Parents disagreeing about extra contact must be manipulative?

You jump to some strange conclusions.

stitchglitched · 30/10/2016 18:49

You say 'we' alot. It wasn't your place to say you wanted 50/50 with her baby. You are newly pregnant, why can't you put yourself in her shoes and try to have a bit of empathy? I think that is all your sister is doing, and she is right.

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 18:49

Because she doesn't think 50:50 is right or appropriate. So the only other option to get it is court.

The mistake you are making with her is the 'we asked' it's not about what you ask for. It's about your dp and his ex. What contact you want has nothing to do with it. Framing it as 'we want' is only going to make it harder.

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 18:50

Because she doesn't think 50:50 is right or appropriate. So the only other option to get it is court.

The mistake you are making with her is the 'we asked' it's not about what you ask for. It's about your dp and his ex. What contact you want has nothing to do with it. Framing it as 'we want' is only going to make it harder.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 30/10/2016 18:50

I can see why the child's mother doesn't want her to stay overnight after your wedding. If she isn't used to being away from her mother, the first time really shouldn't be in a strange place with a lot of people who are not likely to be sober. Who would look after her and make sure she got to bed at a reasonable time then stay with her? What would happen if she woke and wanted her mother?

By the way, not doing what you want does not make this woman manipulative. She is correct that if you don't like the arrangements then you can take her to court. Perhaps she feels that you are aggressive or overly demanding. We have no way of knowing since we only have your side of the story.

It would be more comfortable all round if your sister kept her views to herself, but perhaps she sees this as the last chance she has to stop you from making a massive mistake. Or perhaps she just has some actual empathy.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 18:50

She certainly wasn't heartbroken,she had dumped DP plenty of times before and gone out with other people in between!

Heartbroken people don't have rebound flings?

Parents disagreeing about extra contact must be manipulative?

You jump to some strange conclusions.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 18:50

How would you know how she was feeling? You weren't there when she was on her own.

You contradict yourself in previous statements you said she wanted him back and knew when you two got together it wasn't going to happen. You sound very cold and submissive about her Im getting a picture why your sister has her opinions that she does. This little girl is not your DD she is not a possession but a person in her own right who has a mother.

sesise · 30/10/2016 18:51

Thing is, you all had a choice.

He had a choice to put something on the end of it. She had a choice to terminate or keep the baby. You had a choice to get together with a man with children.

I'm worried about whirlwind romance and his procreation skills.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/10/2016 18:51

But you knew he'd only been split with her for a week - that's a massive red flag for starters! Then you chose to stay with someone who was having a baby with someone else - those decisions come with consequences I'm afraid.

I think the ex has been pretty generous, tbh. 50/50 contact for a two year old just isn't reasonable - she should be with her primary caregiver. Arguing that DP is her dad is fine, but has he ever had her overnight or for any decent chunk of time? Contact is in the best interests of the child, and I don't think many courts would order a 2 year old to spend half her week away from her mother.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 18:51

But why say court when DP would be happy to discuss it outside of court? It's money stress and time for both her and DP if he took her to court! DP wants to keep everything amicable

Because she was quite sure that more contact wasn't right for her very small daughter and didn't see any value in circular discussions?

It's not manipulative. It's a difference of opinion.

You sound so young.

RepentAtLeisure · 30/10/2016 18:52

If you want a carefree early relationship, 'relaxing and having fun' you don't get together with a man who is very recently split from his pregnant partner, do you?

Exactly. You chose that with your eyes open OP, it didn't just happen to you. You were fully informed and way before you'd had time to fall in love with this guy.

As a wedding gift to yourself, why not let go of all the drama? It won't add anything to your life. And appreciate that there is more than a germ of truth to your sisters opinions and have the grace to apologize.

Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 18:53

I understand it must be hard for the ex as a single mum, but we are willing to help her out by keeping dsd more, when she needs childfree time or wants to go out, and she refuses.

As for the situation when DP and I got together, well it wasn't ideal and it was complicated but we had fallen in love. We've been very happy together apart from this, it would be nice if my family could just accept we are together and support us!

OP posts:
springydaffs · 30/10/2016 18:55

Ex is very manipulative about contact- when we asked for more time with dsd she straight up said that she was giving us all the time with dsd she could and if DP wanted more he could go through court!

That's not manipulative!

springydaffs · 30/10/2016 18:56

OP, have you noticed every poster is saying the same thing?

Emmaghoul · 30/10/2016 18:56

I would have stepped away from the relationship. Your boyfriend and his ex had only been separated for a week when you met. You should have let him go when she found out she was pregnant, and allowed them to give their relationship another chance.

I feel sorry for the ex and the little girl.

Too late to make amends now though.

Revealall · 30/10/2016 18:56

OP the ex would see it as;
3 years ago
DP ; I'm breaking up with you...
21/2 years ago
DP ok ,let's have sex
DP what are you going do about being pregnant.
DP I've met someone else
DP I want 50/50
DP My new partners pregnant
DP I want DD at my wedding

Can you see how bad that sounds? How hurtful to DD mother? Be very careful op.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 18:57

The crux of it op is you would much rather have you're DSD play mum to her and ignore ex. You do not like the control she has. She is well in her rights to not want to go out and have child free time if she doesn't want to. You both sound like your trying to manipulate the ex into getting what you both want not what is in he best interests of the child. My ex had DS overnight when he was about 3.5.

BitchPeas · 30/10/2016 18:57

I can see your sisters point of view. No way would I let a man who fucked off when I was pregnant have 50/50 custody of my baby so he could play happy families with his new girlfriend more fool you for ending up with this 'prize' . That is not what is best for his daughter. She has regular contact with him, that's enough until she is older and understands more.

You're being a bit of a dick, hopefully you'll get it when you have your baby.

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/10/2016 18:58

I know you want your family's support, but think of it this way. Would you want your child to get into a relationship with someone who had only recently split from their ex, and who was having a baby wtih them?

You mention "we" a lot. I imagine that's putting DSD's mum's back up. You're not DSD's parent, it's her dad who should be organising contact and going to court if he wants his child more. Her mum, as primary caregiver, has decided she doesn't want her DD away from her 50% of the time. If your DP disagrees, he can fight it in court.

He doesn't have an automatic right to 50% of his child's time.

LittlePaintBox · 30/10/2016 18:58

What is the plan for your dsd during the day? Surely someone must be looking after her, you can't be expecting a 2 year old to look after herself during the ceremony, for example? Personally I think if you want dsd there, her mum needs to be there as well.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 18:58

I understand it must be hard for the ex as a single mum, but we are willing to help her out by keeping dsd more, when she needs childfree time or wants to go out, and she refuses.

But you don't get to tell her what kind of support she needs and that she'd getting it whether she wants it or not!

It sounds like she's trying to do what's best for her DD, despite it being intense for her and despite a lot of unhelpful pressure from her ex and his girlfriend. Give her a break.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 30/10/2016 18:58

You can't moan about access and ex dictating contact when you don't take it to court. It's all well and good saying he wants to keep it amicable but then bleeting about his badly he is treated.

If that child is worth it - he will go through the courts and get proper established access rights. I'm sick of hearing about men moaning about access and how bad the exs are but they are not prepared to stump up the cash to take it to court.

If your ex is a strong and capable parent this would have all been sorted. Goes he pay CM?

QueenLizIII · 30/10/2016 18:59

OP if the shoe was on the other foot and you were the ex and his ex is the current gf.....would you hand over 50/50 custody of your new baby to his ex?

If not, why not? Maybe now you're about to be a mother you'll understand.

Were either of these planned? Funny how both of you are pregnant to him in short space of time passing.

springydaffs · 30/10/2016 18:59

we are willing to help her out by keeping dsd more

Come off it, op Hmm

springydaffs · 30/10/2016 18:59

we are willing to help her out by keeping dsd more

Come off it, op Hmm

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