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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu? Fallen out with sister over DP

353 replies

Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 17:39

Nc for this....im usually in the pregnancy section so be gentle....

I've had a bit of a row with my sister today. We were at our parent's house for Sunday lunch, and I was talking about my wedding plans.

To give a bit of background - DP had split up with an on and off girlfriend of a few years when I met him. When we were together a few weeks, she revealed she was pregnant with his child. His daughter is now 2. We have her eow and for tea twice a week.....we wanted 50/50 but the ex wouldn't agree.

She is really hard work- always wanting to know what we are doing with dsd, where we have taken her. It's been hard for DP to bond with dsd at times because ex won't give him space to be a dad to her without her hovering over her shoulder.

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

My sister and parents are quite old fashioned. I was explaining the situation to them and asking their advice, and my sister said she was sick of my moaning and how negative I was over dsd. I love dsd and have been in her life from birth, obviously I was cross and things got heated. Dsis has NEVER liked DP and she made this clear

Dsis and I are not talking now. My parents are saying I should apologise but surely Dsis should be the one to apologise?

This is such a mess. My wedding is in six weeks. I am also 8 weeks pregnant and have had horrendous morning sickness and feel stressed and exhausted as it is

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 30/10/2016 18:22

It really has spoilt the early days of our relationship and times when we should have been relaxed and having fun.

Like others have said that bit YABU over, if you get involved with someone who is about to become a father it's your choice to give up the fun early days of your relationship. The ex was trying to get used to being a mum and manage things with her DDs, your fun was irrelevant to her as it should be.

Your DSD's mother is looking out for her DD. I wouldn't really want my very young DD staying o/n too often if at all with an ex and his girlfriend.

What? It's not a random ex it's the DD's dad. I wouldn't want to let a little one go for the night either but the DD has a right to build a relationship with her dad and that's going to mean overnight stays.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 18:23

If you want a carefree early relationship, 'relaxing and having fun' you don't get together with a man who is very recently split from his pregnant partner, do you?

If anything, I suspect your DSis is slightly shifting the blame for your choices onto your DP.

flippinada · 30/10/2016 18:24

Oh dear... I think your sister has a good point regarding your DP. I don't think it's to do with old fashioned so much as just being a decent, responsible person. If you were my sister, I'd be worried sick.

WRT your comments about his Ex being a pain and refusing 50/50 contact, I think you will look back and cringe once you're a parent yourself.

Emmaghoul · 30/10/2016 18:24

Invite the little girl and her mum to the wedding. Just cross fingers the ex doesn't yell "It should have been me!" when the person conducting the service says If anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Meeep · 30/10/2016 18:25

Seeing your sister's side here too.
I wouldn't like to see my sister get involved with a man who had a pregnant ex from a week ago.
Then if he "struggled to bond" with his DD despite regular contact, and got my sister pregnant anyway, adding another child to the mix, I'd definitely approve of him even less!

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 18:26

I also think you wer being massively unreasonable to ask for 50/50 when she's so little, it's as if you want to erase the mum and play happy families.

SheldonCRules · 30/10/2016 18:27

Your sister has been honest. If my DD got together with a man who left his girlfriend pregnant and within a short period of time married her with another child on the way I'd not be best pleased.

I'm guessing once you're own child comes along the DSD will be pushed aside and the ex used as an excuse.

Of course she's not going to make his life easy or hand over her child whenever he fancies, he left her pregnant and within a week was shagging someone else. What a catch Hmm

Iflyaway · 30/10/2016 18:28

Anyway, she won't let us keep dsd at the wedding overnight, which is potentially awkward as ex doesn't drive so how is dsd going to get back home?

Well. That is her organization, isn't it? If she makes those kind of conditions she has to do the logistics of it.

She sounds awful and I'm so sorry she's in your life. Put her to the back of your mind - harder done than said I know - and enjoy your wedding and your life.

Don't give her head space in your life. Cos the more you give the more she will take. She makes it all about her anyway. How boring.

You sound lovely and I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your pregnancy. The second semester is great, I guarantee.... :-)

QuintessentialShadow · 30/10/2016 18:30

Boy what a prince this man must be. Leave his pregnant girlfriend and within a week hook up with another woman. 2 years down the line, he has not been the best of fathers, and he is marrying his pregnant girlfriend - at least he did not just move on to the next flower when you got up-duffed!

Anyway, why do you need the 2 year old there? To prove a point? To rub it in? She is 2! She does not need to be there!

Manumission · 30/10/2016 18:33

TBH, most concerned relatives aren't, ideally, going to want to see their loved one getting into a relationship with a man with a pregnant ex-partner.

Also, a majority of experienced mothers aren't going to think much of 50/50 custody arrangements for babies and toddlers.

And finally, in the private opinion of a lot of mature people, the best thing that could happen for the baby, in the event of a pregnancy to an 'on and off again' couple, is that the couple get their heads together and make a really good attempt to make the relationship work.

So, from your DSis' POV it could well look as though you've skipped into a soap opera and are talking about a small child as though she were a doll.

That she's focussing her negative comments on just your DP and not both of you probably reflects her fondness for you.

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 18:34

She sounds awful and I'm so sorry she's in your life.

I am going to assume you are joking. Since the OP chose to to be with a man who had a baby on the way. She could have quite easily not had the ex in her life by walking away at the beginning.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 18:34

My ex did this but the opposite when he had an engagement party he wanted DS there to parade him round but for us to come and collect him after an hour or two. There was other family DC there but my DS would be sent home as he wanted to have a good drink. He had booked it on his night to have him aswell. DS didn't go and when others asked I told them who were as equally digusted. It sounds like you want to play happy families if you wanted her to be apart of it she could come for abit like her mother suggested and be dropped off before the night so due to her age.

Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 18:38

DP didn't know ex was pregnant when they split up the last time! We met on a night out the week after they split and had a real whirlwind romance. Then a few weeks later ex discovered she was pregnant. Everything was very up in the air for a while, but in the end, we knew we were meant for each other- when I met DP as far as we both knew he was young single and childless and within six weeks all that changed, but by that point I knew I wanted to stay with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 18:40

Ex is very manipulative about contact- when we asked for more time with dsd she straight up said that she was giving us all the time with dsd she could and if DP wanted more he could go through court!

OP posts:
Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 18:40

You still had choice, the fact he didn't use protection with his ex, he is equally responsible for the mess. I sense you put more empthasis on the ex for the situation. You haven't given her a second thought to how she maybe feeling. Regardless if they were on off they were together for 3years he goes off and mets you and she finds herself pregnant and alone, she must of been heartbroken.

stitchglitched · 30/10/2016 18:41

How old was the child when your DP was asking for 50/50?

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 18:42

But you decided to stay with him, knowing his ex was pregnant and knowing she would feature heavily in his life. You knew that you wouldn't have the carefree first few months of a relationship.

That wasn't stolen from you. You chose that. You can't resent her because you didn't get it.

Manumission · 30/10/2016 18:43

Ex is very manipulative about contact- when we asked for more time with dsd she straight up said that she was giving us all the time with dsd she could and if DP wanted more he could go through court!

Why do you consider that manipulative? It sounds very upfront and above board.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 18:44

Eow is good access at that age. My ex has two over nights once week and he's 8. She is entitled to spent quality time with her DD aswell especially when she starts school, she as a mother should be able to have her own free time to do things with her child.

stitchglitched · 30/10/2016 18:44

It isn't manipulative of her to refuse more contact. She just disagrees with your DP that's all and is right that he can go to court if he thinks that is in his child's interests. How old was she when he asked for 50/50?

Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 18:45

She certainly wasn't heartbroken,she had dumped DP plenty of times before and gone out with other people in between! She just likes to be able to control him even now

We had said from the start that we would eventually like 50/50, but always that it would be something we'd build up to. Ex won't even give DP a chance, dsd is two and still no overnights!

OP posts:
Manumission · 30/10/2016 18:45

And Bruce and Bubble are right; You could have stepped away from a six week relationship to give a couple of three years who had only been separated for 7 weeks the space to try to make a go of things for their baby, if you were that way inclined.

That might be the way your DSis sees it.

Bubblegum18 · 30/10/2016 18:46

I wonder does your DP pay for his DD? Is this the reasoning for 50/50 access?

Original poster
Ilovepapaya · 30/10/2016 18:46

But why say court when DP would be happy to discuss it outside of court? It's money stress and time for both her and DP if he took her to court! DP wants to keep everything amicable

OP posts:
PaulDacresConscience · 30/10/2016 18:47

So go to court then. If he's so determined to see his DD - good for him - but stop being dicked about, if that's what you feel is happening, and go to court and get it formalised.

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