To still feel upset that a close friend laughed

[sesise]

I don't know how to deal with this but I'll try to explain.

I have a close friend.

We were talking about grief (it was relevant to the topic) and I said something that wasn't funny.

Friend burst out laughing.

I felt like a massive twat.

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable around my friend now?

People can do silly things when feeling awkward

True Navy, but I don't think her friend was trying to upset her. It would be best to talk it through with her, and I can't see why she wouldn't if they're close.

there is a huge difference between a friend genuinely laughing at misfortune (very nasty!!) or friend laughing accidentally because despite caring, they felt bit awkward and didn't know how to respond appropriately.

I don't think any of us on this thread can say much to help make you feel better.

It's the friend who laughed that you need to have the conversation with. There's no earthly point waiting, as you say, to say something only if she does it again. The damage is done and she's already hurt you.

You need to to talk to/ email her and explain that the incident really upset you then await her response. If she is able to explain and is genuinely apologetic it happened that WILL make you feel better.

But we none of us can do that on friend's behalf.

OP, I bet she's feeling even more of a twat about it.

Navy we have absolutely no idea why the friend laughed and the OP is saying she is not going to find out. It is extremely unusual to laugh in the context described in the op and I am presuming the op would not be this person's friend if she was the sort to do it through malice. That is why most people are giving her the benefit of the doubt. Why would she laugh out of badness? Who would laugh out of badness?

Perhaps it was nervous laughter. Yes she should have apologised. Perhaps it was because she misheard the conversation. Who knows?

And it would be an incredibly awkward conversation to have for the friend to apologise. Maybe it would be the right thing, but maybe friend thinks that bringing it up again would hurt OP even more.

But the friend knew she had laughed at the conversation

Navy we do not know why she laughed. She may have thought the OP was trying to say something funny because she misheard her. Laughter was inappropriate absolutely no doubt given the OPs grief but the friend still may not realise that. The suggestion is just to tell her that she was in the wrong. If she is worth it for the OP to give her the benefit of the doubt. What is so wrong with doing that?

Sorry navy x posted. It does not make it right. absolutely not.

If insensitivity is completely out of character for your friend, could she have misheard you? I did this with a friend who told me something very serious, and thought he'd said something else and I burst out laughing. He then called me on my reaction and I realised that I'd misheard but it was all very embarrassing and awkward as my reaction was SO inappropriate given the circumstances. Could it have been something like this?

exactly - you have no idea why the friend laughed, could be loads of possibilities, as many of us have explained; she might not realise what the effect was, she might think it would be hurtful to bring it up again, who knows. None of us are mind readers.

People are not suggesting that the OP should try to understand the reasons for the friend's behaviour as a way of saying she shouldn't have been hurt in the first place. They are accepting that she was hurt, and that it is upsetting. BUT most people want to move to a place where they are not feeling hurt and upset any longer, and one of the best ways of doing that is to see the situation from the other side - to realise that there may have been reasons for it, that it probably wasn't done deliberatley, that the friend doesn't think she's a twat, that the friend probably is a generally nice person, that the friend might feel badly if she realised how upset the OP is, etc. By looking at all that, the OP can move past being hurt, which is surely what most people want.

Insistence on saying that you have a right to feel hurt, that you don't care why/how anything was said or what was meant, you still feel hurt etc, is just keeping you stuck there, and probably losing a friendship as well. If that's what you want, OK, but really, mostly people do want to move away from that, and posters are suggesting a good way to do so. It's totally different to saying 'you should not have been upset by it' or that 'nobody else would have been upset' or 'it doesn't matter'. It does matter that someone was hurt, and you can acknowledge it as well as suggest ways of moving on, of realising that you have misread the situation.

If you didn't think your friend was horrible and cruel for years, why would she have suddenly changed now? More likely is that there was an inadvertent reason for it, and she may not even realise how upset you are. This is not to say it was a good thing to do, or that it's wrong to be upset. But you can accept that it did hurt, at the same time as accepting that it might have been unintentional and that the friend wasn't trying to hurt - which is then the only way to stop hurting.

I'm not on the laughing friends side, I'm just giving a rational explanation of why it may have happened.

What happened after?

Did she give you a hug?
Put the kettle on?

Just wondering if she giggled at how cliche & sad it sounded & wated to break the mood

Its natural for everyone to have feelings! The person giving and receiving information. Of course the emotions of the bereaved person are central. Other people aren't robots though and some people are prone to putting their foot in it accidentally.

Yes Navy, absolutely. People do not know how to act or what to say to people who have suffered loss. But it's not a moral failing as such, just a lack of experience and/or understanding. You are totally right about how the friend should have acted. I just don't think that it necessarily means they are a bad person or worth losing the friendship over if they are otherwise a good friend.

I would just consider the bigger picture. Is friend nasty or bitchy? Is she prone to laughing NASTILY at others misfortune? Or is she genuinely kind and caring?

wow, reading this has made me so mad, i feel for you op.
i think i am understanding what you are saying, i have burst into a fit of giggles in a funeral before (i managed to stifle them) so i do understand how nervous laughter can happen.
i don't like how everyone has jumped on you, of course you are entitled to say how grief has affected you and i completely understand why you are upset and lashing out. i too would be upset if someone laughed at me in this situation and would need to clarify why they were laughing. you shouldnt feel stupid though.
Grief isnt a competition, i know a few people who have lost children and things have got easier as time has gone on for them, it must be a horrendous thing to go through but people experience grief differently.