Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still feel upset that a close friend laughed

225 replies

sesise · 30/10/2016 10:01

I don't know how to deal with this but I'll try to explain.

I have a close friend.

We were talking about grief (it was relevant to the topic) and I said something that wasn't funny.

Friend burst out laughing.

I felt like a massive twat.

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable around my friend now?

OP posts:
corythatwas · 30/10/2016 10:18

Sometimes it's hard to know what is an appropriate moment, OP, because families handle grief in such different ways. We just buried my MIL, very, very dearly beloved and will be missed as long as we lived. There was lots of laughter, not just in remembering the wonderful person she was but also about the small weird moments of dealing with death and arranging the funeral. The only person who stood out as lacking in self control was a friend who became hysterical on the phone to one of us: she later sent a note to apologise. Not that any of us had held it against her. But all the funerals I have been to lately have been on a very upbeat note.

Arfarfanarf · 30/10/2016 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnderCoverGuvnor · 30/10/2016 10:19

How on earth can we comment unless you tell us what was said and in what context!

Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 10:19

Well it has got easier for me but evidently I am a massive twat and saying this to someone who has only lost one person who was themselves old makes me a twat and I deserved to be laughed at.

I might go find the bereavement board now and post lots of [grins] cause it's so fucking Funny I don't know why though. I just can't always control my keyboard you see.

OP posts:
Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 10:21

Well I can tell you for some of us, it doesn't get better.

I assume because it's such a cliché thing to say, that many people don't agree with she thought you were joking.

Most adults can control themselves. However most of us have moments where we slip up. During my grandfather's funeral 4 of us started laughing. One started and the others did.

It was actually prompted by someone playing an instrument my grandad played badly. They had the player at the funeral because grandad loved it so much. But it just reminded of us of how bad he was at playing.

No one at the funeral was offended. The instrument player who I spoke to after wasn't offended either.

corythatwas · 30/10/2016 10:21

OP, what we are all trying to tell you is that there are no hard and fast rules: your friend misjudged your reactions and that was very unfortunate. But could it be because she suddenly remembered something of her own: you came out with a cliché and she may have bitter experience of how it doesn't work?

fwiw one of the moments I remember laughing is in A & E after my dd had attempted suicide. Ds, who had found her, made a wry comment and we all laughed. Normal human reaction. Doesn't mean we don't love dd.

Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 10:21

I can totally understand light relief. I have been through many funerals and yes there does tend to be laughter after the event but anyone who laughed all the way through wouldn't be a friend of mine and people defending this is not on. Of course you laugh when there's a funny / touching anecdote but clearly I'm not talking about that. I'm sorry for snapping but I didn't realise how upset I was until people started talking about snorting with laughter at other peoples bad news. Learn some self control ffs.

OP posts:
FlyingGaribaldi · 30/10/2016 10:22

Actually, we laughed all the way through the funeral mass and infected his other grandchildren. The pew was shaking violently.

Are you saying you told your friend that your grief over your child who had died had lessened over time and she laughed in response? Your posts aren't very clear. How are you so sure she's only had one significant loss?

Sorry for your loss, OP, if this is what you are saying.

LikeaSnowflake · 30/10/2016 10:22

Were you talking to your friend about your own grief? If so, then I am not sure why a comment like that would cause laughter if that's how you feel about your grief.

However, if it was a generic comment about how people cope with grief she may have laughed because in her experience of grief it doesn't get easier with time. It certainly is my experience that grief is always there, it doesn't get easier, you just have to make room for it to live beside the rest of your life otherwise how could you go on?

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 10:22

I think you actually sound quite judgemental and perhaps you don't expect anyone to ever make mistakes.

Mistakes happen. People aren't perfect. That's life and you are making your own harder by not understanding that.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 30/10/2016 10:23

sesise people are just explaining reactions.

You don't have what you need from this thread and are obviously feeling sensitive, might be an idea to hide it Flowers

Meloncoley2 · 30/10/2016 10:24

I am really sorry you are so upset OP, I think we have all tried to explain your friend's actions without acknowledging your feelings, thus compounding your original hurt of not being understood. Flowers

opheliaamongthelillies · 30/10/2016 10:24

I laughed when I was 15 and was told my mother had been killed in a road accident! Was it funny? Of course not it was the most traumatic thing I could have gone through, but many years later, I also laughed when my gp told me at an aftercare appointment after a hospital admission that he was sure he'd be writing my death certificate not seeing me back at his surgery.

I apolgised as I had no idea why I was laughing and he told me that it is a completely normal reaction to news that we cannot quite process because it is too overwhelming. HTH

corythatwas · 30/10/2016 10:25

OP, your posts are not clear enough for people to understand how inappropriate your friend's response was- if indeed it was. All we get is a very strong sense of anger (misdirected?) and a feeling that there is a right and a wrong way to respond.

yoowhoo · 30/10/2016 10:25

OP. Please Google it..I just did and it brought up loads of articles. You are really starting to offend me now..
I laugh sometimes when I'm being told something sad. I can't help it and it's not as if I'm happy laughing..it's a very awkward laugh.
If I could change it then I would. It's so common you wouldn't believe. I'm sorry for your loss but you really need to accept that yabu to judge people on this thread who's uncontrollable laughing is a default reaction.

Pooka · 30/10/2016 10:25

I think you're being pretty unfair and unkind about the previous posters who have explained their own (sometimes mortifying) response to things. It's a well known phenomenon. Yes, ideally people would be able to keep it in check, but sometimes a reflex reaction (that is acknowledged and documented) can't be held in check. Hence the pp who was laughing at her grandmother's funeral. Must have been horrendous for her.

I'm not saying that this was happening to your friend. I wasn't there, I don't know the context of the conversation. But to blanket state that grown ups should hold themselves in check or suggesting that only people with additional needs would have this reflex response is unfair to the posters who have explained their embarrassing reactions.

Also grief is complex. You saying that it gets better as time passes would be met by a hollow "youre kidding" laugh by, for example, my stepmother who is finding it s getting harder as numbness passes and time moves on for everyone else since my father died. Again, I don't know whether that's relevant to your situation or your friend's take on grief. But maybe raise it with her rather than assume she was directly laughing at you or intentionally making you feel crap.

Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 10:26

Ophelia I am so sorry you went through that

You laughed, it was your mum, I'm guessing it was shock? How horrible for you.

Now can you imagine a couple of years later and someone says 'will your mum pick you up Ophelia?' And you say 'well no, actually, she's dead.' And they burst out laughing?

Would you honestly be like 'ah okay people do strange things in shock' or 'how fucking rude!' And feel very uncomfortable.

The second example is more like mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 10:27

I was saying it had got better for me as time passed.

God I feel awful I can't explain the full context in case she reads it but I was just trying to explain I didn't say anything unexpected or offensive or odd.

OP posts:
KittyAlPick · 30/10/2016 10:28

OP laughter and tears are very close together. My DGM, DM and I had a fit of giggles at my DGF's funeral because of the way the celebrant was bobbing around. We were all very upset but giggled anyway probably because everything felt so unreal.

If you'd made a trite comment to my other DGM about the pain of a dead child fading over time she may well have laughed at your ignorance, because for her it never did. People laugh in shock and horror as well as amusement. Don't judge your friend.

MoggieMaeEverso · 30/10/2016 10:28

People have tried to explain to you that it's not about self control.

Inappropriate laughter is a very normal reaction to emotionally charged situations.

I'm not sure how much more plainly anyone can put it.

Your friend most likely did not mean to hurt you, and could not control her involuntary response. You, however, can control your reaction, and even if you do not fully understand, you can try to accept that other adults have different responses to you, and this does not make them wrong or bad.

Backt0Black · 30/10/2016 10:29

OP,

Why post the question if you have made up your mind. Your responses are intensely goady.

You issue seems to be that people don't behave or react the way YOU want them to. ..... and now you have an issue with posters also not responding as YOU wish them to.

People have different kneejerk reflexes. Your way is not the only one. You are not the reaction police, judge and jury.

Arfarfanarf · 30/10/2016 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsNuckyThompson · 30/10/2016 10:30

Laughter can be just a shock/ emotional reaction which just bubbles up.

I think you're over reacting especially if you just said something generic.

JellyBelli · 30/10/2016 10:32

You sound very offended. Dont do anything hasty while you are in this state of emotional reaction as you coud end the friendship and regret it later.
Its not clear from your post if you did say something that your friend considers silly, or if she is grieving. We all say silly things at least once in a lifetime. Its ok to be less than perfect. Or maybe you had a difference of opinion, well thats ok too. We dont have to be in 100% agreement 100% of the time to be friends.

Laughing doesnt mean people are happy. Its an emotional reaction, and people often laugh in shock or grief. All police officers learn this in basic training.
People cant control that reaction any more than you can control tears. Its a reaction, not a considered opinion.

Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 10:33

I think what people aren't understanding is we were talking about grief related about something that happened to me and it was an anniversary. She said on its XXX since XXX died and I said it is yeah ... It's got a bit easier and she pissed herself laughing. I am not beings goady just didn't expect everyone to say I was being trite and they would have laughed too I feel like even more of a twat!

OP posts: