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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still feel upset that a close friend laughed

225 replies

sesise · 30/10/2016 10:01

I don't know how to deal with this but I'll try to explain.

I have a close friend.

We were talking about grief (it was relevant to the topic) and I said something that wasn't funny.

Friend burst out laughing.

I felt like a massive twat.

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable around my friend now?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 30/10/2016 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 30/10/2016 12:34

I really don't understand why your friend laughed and didn't apologise afterwards OP, it doesn't make any sense

If she is normally a good friend I would ask her about it when you are feeling calmer

If she is known for being insensitive then I would reconsider your friendship

TSSDNCOP · 30/10/2016 12:36

I'm an inappropriate reactor. Generally my next action is to apologise profusely.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 30/10/2016 12:36

I have myself said some really insensitive things in the past by accident though, and felt too mortified to draw attention to it by apologising (stupid I know) so it is worth asking your friend about her reaction rather than staying upset and confused yourself

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 30/10/2016 12:39

NavyandWhite that is appalling behavior from your friend

I'm speechless

Flowers
Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 12:46

I'm so sorry you lost your son Navy

I can't begin to imagine. You do get people trying to draw totally inappropriate comparisons - not sure why, I guess we all struggle to know what to say to the bereaved but some people really go beyond 'normal' awkwardness and become downright ridiculous!

With regard to laughter though, I am guessing we all had to do a minutes silence at school on November 11th and maybe other events. I always wanted to laugh, nervously but never actually did it and I don't remember anyone else doing so either. Some awkward smirks but no outright laughing. I am now a teacher myself and have always found with only very rare exceptions children are silent although I see many wanting to laugh.

I think we can control ourselves.

OP posts:
Katy07 · 30/10/2016 12:49

Maybe the friend totally misheard and thought you said something else that you intended to be funny, and thus she laughed (either thinking what she thought she heard was indeed funny or out of politeness). And equally possibly has realised afterwards that she did mishear but doesn't want to mention it because she doesn't want to bring up a sensitive subject again?
Just ask her why she laughed. Send her a text - 'When we were talking about x I said y and you laughed at me. I'm not sure why you did and I'm actually quite upset that you thought it so funny. Did you mishear me or was there some other reason?'

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 30/10/2016 12:56

Jesus H Christ this person didn't laugh as a 'coping mechanism', the conversation was started by the friend who then laughed at the OP's response, which was not really how she felt but was actually trying not to make friend feel bad by minimising it. Why is everyone piling on here? And telling her off for 'dripfeeding'.
OP, I understand you being angry and upset at your friend's response, but I don't understand why you were left feeling like a twat. The fault was entirely hers, and maybe there is an explanation but you'll have to ask her as I doubt very much she'll raise the subject. Presumably she doesn't think she's done anything wrong, and going by responses on this thread she's not the first and she won't be the last to guffaw in the face of another person's grief (different from laughing uncontrollably in response to one's own bad news).
If you don't feel you can broach the subject then that speaks volumes about your rekationship and the kind of 'friend' she is.

ANewStartOverseas · 30/10/2016 13:00

Is the issue here the fact the OP was made to feel unconfortable? Yes it might not have been a voluntary thing but the OP was hurt none the less.

In those circumstances, maybe the first thing was to acknowledge the hurt (yes even if it was inappropriate laughter and the friend couldn't help it. Actually probably even more so) and say sorry.
Even if you aren't sure if you have or not hurt the other person, again, it sounds normal to realise your u didn't laughs at the right time/at the right thing and to apologise for it.

I'm not sure it's ok to ask the OP to find some reasons as to why she has been hurt and to then forgive and 'understand'. I think that, regardless of the reason, the onus was onto the friend.
And yes knowing that some people aren't able to refrain from laughing in those conditions can help understand it wasn't (or might not have been) done maliciously. But the friend still hurt the OP and the OP's feelings about it should be respected too. I'm not sure why, in that case, she should somehow stop feeling hurt by ot Confused

Mynestisfullofempty · 30/10/2016 13:03

"OP, I understand you being angry and upset at your friend's response, but I don't understand why you were left feeling like a twat."

Everyone who gets laughed at when they didn't say something funny will naturally feel stupid, because there's a massive difference between being laighed at and being laughed with. Of course, the OP didn't do or say anything stupid whatsoever, but being laughed at is sure to make her feel as embarrassed as if she did. The fact that it was a close friend who did it makes it all the more hurtful.

ANewStartOverseas · 30/10/2016 13:04

Or maybe the issue here is that people who can't stop themselves from laughing in those circumstances know very well that it can be VERY hurtful for the people around and they don't like recognising it.
It's them easier to put the responsibility to put things right onto the person that has been hurt by the laughing of course. You know those narrow minded people that just do NOT understand that they couldn't help it. Even though they are the ones who are grieving ....

NavyandWhite · 30/10/2016 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mynestisfullofempty · 30/10/2016 13:08

Exactly NavyandWhite Totally different situation. The "friend's" reaction is extremely difficult to understand and I think the OP really should talk to her about it.

TabithaBethia · 30/10/2016 13:14

Blimey - the usual MN pile-on.

Yanbu OP, your friend was quite odd. I'm not surprised you're upset Flowers

youarenotkiddingme · 30/10/2016 13:16

I think some people on MN just want to tell posters when then ask AIBU that yes they are.

I would be upset too if a close friend laughed when I said my grief got easier overtime.

In fact I'd think she was actually taking the piss and the laughter was sarcastic and accusing me of not getting over it quickly enough.

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 30/10/2016 13:21

Mynest I get that - I was saying that the OP had no reason to be left feeling like a twat (although, as you say, it's a natural reaction when someone is laughing at you and you don't understand why).

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 30/10/2016 13:22

Good post, Anewstart.

JellyBelli · 30/10/2016 13:28

ANewStartOverseas You posted that despite the number of people here who said they do laugh, then apologise.
The people who answered early didnt have the benefit of the update. There wasnt enough context in the original post to do anything other than explain to OP thats how some poeple react. Which she doesnt accept, so its just a useless bunfight.

Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 13:30

Like I say

People insist they can't help it - okay

But you would not be my friend if I told you my mum or dad died and you laughed.

OP posts:
My2centsworth · 30/10/2016 13:39

*Like I say

People insist they can't help it - okay

But you would not be my friend if I told you my mum or dad died and you laughed*

Fair enough and that is what people are responding too. People involuntarily responding in this manner may need to be cut a little slack but you are very absolute on the matter which others feel is unfair. No rights or wrongs here just different perspectives.

TabithaBethia · 30/10/2016 13:41

No point mithering on about updates. The points were laid out in the OP.

There was no 'shock' reaction, although I'm sure that is a thing, because the death was not a shock.

Also, if I was given to giggling about someones bereavement I wouldn't start the conversation 'Isn't it the Anniversary-'

At any rate, a friend would say sorry if they couldn't help their reaction.

Like I say, the usual boring pile-on.

NavyandWhite · 30/10/2016 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ANewStartOverseas · 30/10/2016 13:48

Jelly But that friend didn't apologise did she?
So what is the OP supposed to do now? Accept that her friend can't control her laughter and forget about her hurt??

IF the friend had apologised, I don't think the OP would be posting TBH...
But as it happens she didn't. So whether she didn't laugh inappropriately or for NY other reason, her behaviour was crap and shouldn't be accepted. Sorry.
Otherwise you are saying that the hurt the OP has felt isnt that important.

SpookyPotato · 30/10/2016 13:50

As much as I know people can laugh at inappropriate times when upset or shocked (I've done it myself!) from what you described that does sound an odd response to what you said, especially the being in hysterics. Maybe they just really can't cope with death. When my dad died I had several people go totally awol from my life, it was and still is really weird.. There's nowt as queer as folk.

My2centsworth · 30/10/2016 13:53

NavyandWhite I suppose having children and family with ASD and others with social anxiety I have seen many occasions of people behaving unusually in a situation they do not know how to handle. I cannot think of a single reason a friend would laugh in the context described in the OP that did not fit with some inappropriate reaction borne out of not being able to deal with the topic.

Having many examples of people struggling to say the right thing about my seriously ill child and previously on his ASD diagnosis, I have learned people really struggle to deal with these situations and mostly don't mean to be twats even if that is what they end up being.