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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still feel upset that a close friend laughed

225 replies

sesise · 30/10/2016 10:01

I don't know how to deal with this but I'll try to explain.

I have a close friend.

We were talking about grief (it was relevant to the topic) and I said something that wasn't funny.

Friend burst out laughing.

I felt like a massive twat.

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable around my friend now?

OP posts:
MermaidTears · 30/10/2016 11:04

Can I honestly ask you all...
If your friend told you it was the anniversary of their child's death....how many of you randomly burst out laughing in their face and then not mention it and carry on as normal????
None I bet

Scarftown · 30/10/2016 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dailymailarecunts · 30/10/2016 11:07

Me and my brothers laughed to the point of tears when collecting our dads death certificate (he was only 53 and died horrifically) It was almost a hysterical reaction - there was no controlling it and it was desperately sad.

HmmmmBop · 30/10/2016 11:07

Did you ask?

Scarftown · 30/10/2016 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeralBeryl · 30/10/2016 11:07

OP I'm sorry you're feeling shitty around the anniversary.
You are not a twat Flowers

However, you are, at the moment unable to comprehend how anyone could act in a manner completely alien to you regarding grief.
This thread is going to wind you up further, and offend people who are trying to help you with experiences of their loss or actions.

I think you should speak to your friend (once you calm down though!) and ask her why she reacted in that way but then failed to acknowledge it.

I know plenty of inappropriate laughers. Once they stop giggling, they are generally mortified and massively apologetic.
It's an awful reaction for people to have to have. To suggest they just 'stop it' is ludicrous. I'm sure they'd love to!

I laughed at a close relative's cremation. The curtain got stuck on her lillies, and that was it for DM and I. We dissolved into fits of giggles and just couldn't stop. It was obviously our emotions vomiting their way out of our bodies however possible. I'm not even a 'laugher'

HmmmmBop · 30/10/2016 11:08

Mermaid, I don't think OP was talking about her child. The reference to the loss of a child was, I think in response to another poster?

smEGGtoplasm · 30/10/2016 11:09

She laughed because she didn't believe it to be true.

I think it's this ^

You think it's gotten easier Op, she doesn't believe that at all. Whether your behaviour or the way you speak about it makes her think that, I don't know. And I'm not saying that her laughter is acceptable at all, but I think that's the reason.

FlyingGaribaldi · 30/10/2016 11:09

I think you should bring it up with her if she's a close friend - the chances are, if she's a decent human being, she's horrified at her inappropriate response and has been too embarrassed and afraid to upset you by bringing it up again...? Or is it possible she misheard you or misunderstood what you said?

On the laughing at funerals issue - no, this wasn't at a funny anecdote at the wake, this was mass hysterical laughing (from the people who were most bereaved, GF's immediate family that he'd always lived with) through the funeral mass and at the burial.

A small thing started it (my three siblings and I, all teenagers, were packed into the back of my parents' ancient car, and the driver's door refused to shut properly which meant that my mother in the passenger seat had to hold a piece of string that went across my father to hold the driver's door closed while the car was moving Grin) and then it just never stopped. His death had been sudden, and as is usual with Irish Catholic funerals, this was less than three full days after he'd died and we'd been hosting and feeding an endless series of wakes/callers, so I think we were all shocked and nervy.

Euripidesralph · 30/10/2016 11:10

Op you are very intent on finding fault....whilst you are clearly going through some level of grieving you are coming across as quite nasty....may well not be the case but you seem not to be able to allow for a response other than what you deem appropriate either in real life or on line?

I'm not a laugher at difficult moments but I know those who are and yes on occasion I can feel like saying to them to use self control

But ultimately people can't always control how they act in high pressure or emotional ircumstances and if you're a close friend it would be reasonable to expect some level of Lee way from you

There is also another scenario....a woman I used to work with had been through a really difficult bereavement.....everyone around had really supported her and all progressed totally understandably the grieving process was long and again noone shy3d away ...people take as long as they take

However

It transpired after a period of time she was very very clearly using it at one point to manipulate a specific person, this was so clear she was putting hough a disciplinary at work as a result

She did then come to some of us in regards to her grief and whilst noone wanted to deny the fact she was still grieving 3 years later...that situation made people react in some strange ways to her the second time around

So without any back story it does make me question

OneManBucket · 30/10/2016 11:10

Even though now it's been explained to you that it's perfectly normal and uncontrollable? Laughter doesn't always mean amusement, it's a sound we make to convey a range of emotions. Like how you can cry because you are sad, happy, in pain or even for no reason at all.

She didn't apologise which is a bit strange, but only you can truly know the context and tone of the conversation and how she reacted. I'm guessing a woman that truly found the idea of your grief funny has shown other instances of being heartless before? If this is a complete one off and she is usually emotional supportive I'd put it down to nervousness.

Starrystarrynight456 · 30/10/2016 11:10

I think some people are missing the point and I think the OP perhaps wasn't worded as well as it could've been.

Yes people laugh when they are in shock or grief etc but this was the OP talking about HER grief. The OP wasn't saying some generic phrase about time being a healer to someone talking about their grief (which I agree would be offensive) but she was talking about how she felt about her own bereavement.....if she feels that it's become easier, then that's HER experience.

OP I would be upset if on the anniversary of a bereavement (which is still very raw for me) my friend laughed at how I was saying I felt. I understand how people laugh when nervous and so wouldn't judge them harshly if it was a close friend but I don't think you're being unreasonable to think that they may have apologised.

However if this is an otherwise good friend msybe give them the benefit of the doubt. Most people don't know how to behave around grief. I lost a very close person a couple of years back in unexpected circumstances. I was told at the time (can't remember who by or why) that people will surprise you as I went through what was the worst time of my life...some for the right reasons and some for the wrong reasons and I found that to be very true. Some of the most supportive people weren't people I was so close to and some of my closest friends said completely inappropriate things. But, they were my closest friends for a reason and we all make mistakes in difficult situations so I didn't let it affect our friendship.

Hugs to you.

MermaidTears · 30/10/2016 11:11

Sorry he pedantic police are out....what the actual fuck does it specifically matter if...
She bought it up, friend bought it up, or wether is was the anniversary or the 'gets easier' comment.
Which fucking bit is funny?
NONE OF IT and anyone who says otherwise is a complete stupid cunt.
If people burst out laughing in a mother's face whilst discussing mourning their child's death then they are sub human.
Just my opinion though!

BadToTheBone · 30/10/2016 11:12

This is what happens when you dripfeed, if we'd had the full story at the start it probably would've gone very different for you tbh.

CrossfireHurricane · 30/10/2016 11:13

I would be very hurt to OP and understand the context of the conversation I. E you weren't announcing bad news, you were talking about your grief.
And if I am totally honest I think in your situation I would feel tremendously hurt tooFlowers

iminshock · 30/10/2016 11:14

OP, the circumstances you describe would have upset me a great deal too.

My2centsworth · 30/10/2016 11:14

I really don't think that was why she laughed

Why do you believe she laughed?

In order for you to hold anger at her for this, you need to explain why you believe she laughed maliciously at the comment or else she is serving as a misplaced conduit for your understandable grief generated anger.

I suspect she laughed through involuntary uncomfortableness. You obviously perceive some malice. Can you give some background to that?

FlyingGaribaldi · 30/10/2016 11:15

Then, without being there, we can have no idea why the friend laughed at what seems like a particularly insensitive moment - the OP is presumably the only other person who was there, and the only one on this thread who knows the friend and whether she's prone to social awkwardness, but as she was apparently too taken aback (understandably) to ask her friend what on earth was going on, we're back to square one, really.

Carriecakes80 · 30/10/2016 11:15

I still don't think you have taken on board that some people laugh as a coping mechanism, its involuntary, at least, it is for me. When my ex's mum died, I laughed so much until I cried. I loved that woman, she was amazing, but instead of crying, my body produced a laugh that went out of control. Some people cannot control it whatsoever. xxx

HRarehoundingme · 30/10/2016 11:16

could she be going through something - and your comment it gets better with time touched a nerve.

I'm sorry that you feel so low :(

HmmmmBop · 30/10/2016 11:17

Mermaid, maybe count to ten and read the thread again?

flupcake · 30/10/2016 11:20

I sometimes laugh involuntarily in awkward situations. I hate it and I always feel stupid for doing it. It's not that anything is funny, it's more that I don't know what to say. Sometimes I have found myself smiling in difficult/unfunny situations and had to put my hand over my mouth to hide it. It's not something I am proud of and I do try hard not to do it. Now you have me wondering how many people I have offended.

I think it needs to be taken in the context of what else you know of your friend, if in all other ways she is a good friend, it would be a shame to lose a friend over one misunderstanding.

thisisafakename · 30/10/2016 11:23

Hi OP, I think it was a bit unclear from your first post what happened. But yes, if you were talking about your OWN grief and your friend responds by bursting out laughing, she is being a dickhead. The only exception I can think of would be if you were talking about someone who was very close to you both and she laughs as a defence mechanism because she is feeling grief herself. I can understand people laughing about their OWN grief because it's a voluntary reaction, not the grief of other people in relation to people you may not have known well. If you routinely do that, people will begin to think you are some sort of sociopath and you should probably get some sort of help.

DrunkenMissOrderly · 30/10/2016 11:23

When people gave me platitudes after my fathers death I wanted to punch them in the face. Would that have been a better response?

KondosSecretJunkRoom · 30/10/2016 11:24

You seem determined to attribute malice to her laughter.

I think the thing about grief is that it's hard to talk about the death of one person without those same words being attributed to the death of another.

To say that it is easier to deal with the death of someone you were close to as time has gone on might have elicited laughter from your friend because she feels quite the opposite. It's a dark laughter that resents grief and the way it can escalate when we are told to expect the opposite.

There's a good chance this had nothing to do with you.

And, fwiw I laughed at my Dad's funeral, more to do with ridiculous song choices and dark humour, and his death hurts more now than ever because I've never been further away from his company.

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