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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To still feel upset that a close friend laughed

225 replies

sesise · 30/10/2016 10:01

I don't know how to deal with this but I'll try to explain.

I have a close friend.

We were talking about grief (it was relevant to the topic) and I said something that wasn't funny.

Friend burst out laughing.

I felt like a massive twat.

AIBU to feel really uncomfortable around my friend now?

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 30/10/2016 10:46

Read this thread op. People say/do very weird things for no reason sometimes. Its a very common thing. Unless your friend is usually an arse then I'm sure she really didn't mean to offend.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2766161-To-ask-if-you-are-as-socially-awkward-as-me?pg=1&order=

Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 10:48

But I really don't think it was involuntary.

That's what I'm trying to explain to you. It wasn't like I'd just given her the news and she laughed, it was two and a half years ago

She said 'it's 3 years since ...'
And I said 'yeah it is, it has got easier since I think' and she cracked up. I would not ever ever tell anyone else their grief will get easier I was just saying how it was for me.

And I'm really sorry if I've upset some of you just trying to think how I'd feel if anyone had laughed when I told them.

I'm really upset today and I don't know why!

OP posts:
Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 10:49

Like I say I just feel very low tearful and upset today and I don't know why.

OP posts:
ANewStartOverseas · 30/10/2016 10:49

sessie there has been a lot of threads on here around that subjects. Yu will find that quite a few people will say it's an automatic response, has no bearing on how the person is feeling and no matter t can't be controlled.
Examples will go along the lines of 'when my child died at 4 days old, my first reaction was to laugh when I head the news from the consultant'
Others will tell you they just can't control it, that everyone deals with grief in a different way etc...

I think that your situation is different. No one has died, it was a discussion around death. Unless it triggered a very strong response in your friend, maybe because it reminded her specific events, then yes I think it t wasn't appropriate and could have been controlled.
But I would be careful too because some people hide the fact they are unconfortable with laughing. Which would have been vreally unsuitable if you had been sharing something quite close to your heart about death

ANewStartOverseas · 30/10/2016 10:50

Xpost.

So she laugh when you said that YOUR grief had become easier??
I agree. That doesn't sound right at all.

FlyingGaribaldi · 30/10/2016 10:50

She said on its XXX since XXX died and I said it is yeah ... It's got a bit easier and she pissed herself laughing.

On the face of it, yes, it's an odd, insensitive response and I'm not surprised you found it cruel, but presumably she apologised and/or you asked her what on earth was going on at the time...?

Arfarfanarf · 30/10/2016 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 30/10/2016 10:54

She said 'it's 3 years since ...'
And I said 'yeah it is, it has got easier since I think' and she cracked up. I would not ever ever tell anyone else their grief will get easier I was just saying how it was for me.*

Another inappropriate laugher here.

If I had laughed in the circumstances described, I would have been mortified and embarrased.

Did your friend apologise? Did she look embarrased? Does she have form for being grossly insensitive?

SestraClone · 30/10/2016 10:54

Are you trying to make everyone on this thread, who have admitted they do this involuntary, feel even more like shit? Not nice.

Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 10:55

Thank you for saying that.

No she didn't apologise which is why I was left feeling stupid!

OP posts:
Atenco · 30/10/2016 10:55

OP, my best friend saved me from drowning and laughed all the way through it, it is a nervous reaction in some people. Though maybe not in the case of your ex-friend.

HmmmmBop · 30/10/2016 10:56

Did you ask her what she was laughing at?

GnomeDePlume · 30/10/2016 10:56

Anger in grief is a very normal reaction. The need to hit out and hurt. Unfortunately anger needs a focus. It looks like your friend has become the focus for that anger

DearMrDilkington · 30/10/2016 10:56

Did you not ask what was funny at the time if it upset you so much?

Arfarfanarf · 30/10/2016 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 11:00

Arf honestly I don't think I realised it gad upset me so much it just kept playing on my mind. As for the laughing at funerals well I have to be honest if anyone had laughed through any of the funerals of my close family I'd have been annoyed I mean the actual service not a nice anecdote or the reception afterwards but like when the coffin is being lowered or whatever.

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 30/10/2016 11:00

No she didn't apologise which is why I was left feeling stupid!

She was maybe very embarassed and didn't know what to say.

Which isn't great, btw. But understandable.

If she's a good friend in other ways, I would just chalk this one up to experience and make a mental note not to discuss emotional issues with her as your reactions are at variance with each other.

Sorry it's left you feeling raw. Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 30/10/2016 11:00

Op people are trying very patiently to explain why they and other people sometimes laugh at inappropriate moments and you seem determined to misunderstand them. Not sure why.

Scarftown · 30/10/2016 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackcherries · 30/10/2016 11:02

Another person here who has the instinct to laugh sometimes at terrible moment- NOT because anything is humourous, it's like crying.

OP, imagine 'trying to have some self-control' and not feel angry about this. Difficult, right?
It seems like you've never come across anyone who has this (inappropriate laughing) and understandably can't really believe it exists, thatit's genuine, and has nothing to do with happiness or humour. But enough people are telling you that's the case, perhaps give them a bit of credit?
Again, understandable that you'd be pissed off initially but I honestly dont think she meant to 'laugh'.

whattodowiththepoo · 30/10/2016 11:02

YABVU

HRarehoundingme · 30/10/2016 11:02

This will out me but I met up with one of my best friends who told me her puppy had died. I already knew this - it had been on facebook. I laughed. I was mortified but I couldn't help it. I was extremely apologetic and we have moved on but it is referred to occasionally. I have also said extremely stupid things that I didn't mean at all or in response to something. The phrase my friend says is I'm unintentionally offensive. I hate to be that and I am trying not to be.

Arfarfanarf · 30/10/2016 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MermaidTears · 30/10/2016 11:03

Fucking hell how stupid are some people!!!
Reading between the line the op said to her friend....
Yes it's been three years since I lost my child, it has gotten a bit easier with time....
Then friend burst out laughing
And then never apologised. ....never said oh I'm so sorry I shouldn't have laughed it's not funny it's a reaction to hearing upsetting things

Fucking hell I would drop a person like that

Original poster
sesise · 30/10/2016 11:03

I really don't think that was why she laughed, I genuinely did not wish to offend anybody I am just trying to be honest about how I would have felt if anyone had laughed while we were trying to bury a loved one:

OP posts: