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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell DH 'that was horrible'

139 replies

fluffypacman · 29/10/2016 16:37

DH was trying to pursuade dd to go food shopping with him, as she's resistant he says 'I'm trying to do something nice with you, I thought you'd like to cook something with daddy'. She starts to cry. He then tells her that if she won't come now 'he'll just leave her at home to cry'. I intervene as don't like his tone and tell him 'oh DH, that's a horrible thing to say'.

He tells me she's pretending and said to me 'thanks for your support'. To me this seems a pretty insensitive thing to say to a 5yo even if she is putting it on a bit. He has a tendency to get upset if people don't want to do the activities he wants them to do. He sulked a bit last week as he wanted me to take her to the snow dome on my day off and I said I'd be too busy sorting out family stuff. I have PMT so not sure if I'm bu or whether he's truely being an arse.

OP posts:

Hysterectical · 29/10/2016 16:42

He sounds horrid

Hysterectical · 29/10/2016 16:43

And a bit needy. Maybe he could make some friends his own age?

Mishaps · 29/10/2016 16:45

It would have been better to disagree with DH over this out of the hearing of your child. Not backing each other up is a prime cause of disturbed behaviour.

Grilledaubergines · 29/10/2016 16:48

Can't see the issue if I'm honest. Hardly makes him horrid.

ArmfulOfRoses · 29/10/2016 16:50

I'd always thought that backing each other up was for things like no more tv, clean your teeth, bedtime in ten minutes etc, not saying horrible things to upset children.

He needs to either say "get your shoes on dd, we're popping to the shops" or "would you like to come to the shops dd?" and accept her answer.

I also wouldn't take too kindly to someone organising my days off for me.

user1474627704 · 29/10/2016 16:50

He should have just told her she was going shopping with him, and you should have backed him up. You sound like a pair of drama queens and should cop on and parent like adults.

Hysterectical · 29/10/2016 16:50

Really? Needing the friendship of a 5 year old? Get a life.

ElspethFlashman · 29/10/2016 16:51

Yeah, it's probably best if your DD who is putting it on a bit doesn't overhear you telling him he's being horrible to her. Do it out of earshot.

Trifleorbust · 29/10/2016 16:53

I think it is massively undermining of you to 'intervene' unless there is something seriously wrong. It may not have been something you would say but he is as much her parent as you are. It would be better to raise something like this away from your DD and see if you can bring your husband around to your way of thinking without undermining his parenting.

Grilledaubergines · 29/10/2016 16:53

It's not about friendship. Or is that what a parent wanting to do something with a child is called now?

PotatoesareDashNice · 29/10/2016 16:58

Yabu

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/10/2016 17:01

I don't see a problem with what he's said at all.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/10/2016 17:01

Without hearing his tone, can't say whether or not he was being "horrible" exactly, but I wouldn't appreciate that sort of emotional blackmail being used on a small child.

My Dad got upset with Ds1 when he was about 3, because DS1 didn't want to play with some stuff Dad had got out for him, so Dad stropped off in a tantrum. I had a word with him about that - outrageous behaviour from a grown adult! - but out of earshot of DS1.

So - yeah, you probably shouldn't have said anything within your DD's earshot, because that does count as undermining; but otoh, your DH shouldn't try to coerce your DD into doing something that is making her cry! (of course at some point we all have to learn to do things we don't want to, but this is hardly the field on which to die for that battle)

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2016 17:03

Yeah, it's probably best if your DD who is putting it on a bit doesn't overhear you telling him he's being horrible to her. Do it out of earshot.

This ^^

Plus I don't really think what he said was horrible anyway.

0phelia · 29/10/2016 17:03

I think you over reacted and undermined his attempt to talk her down. Drama llama comment was on the button! Your PMT is probably part of it. Sorry, yabu.

Madinche1sea · 29/10/2016 17:04

OP - I don't think this is too much of a crisis tbh. I have 4 DC and pretty much every time we are trying to exit the house at least one of them is dragging their feel or moaning they don't want to go. I will say something like, "Anyone without shoes on or still moaning in two minutes will be left behind", etc. My youngest is 5, but there isn't always time to pander to them all so mostly they just have to go with the flow.

whattodowiththepoo · 29/10/2016 17:04

Yabu

noblegiraffe · 29/10/2016 17:06

I wouldn't say 'I'm leaving you at home to cry', I'd put my shoes on, open the door and say 'bye then!'

Then they go 'NOOOOO!!!' And all of a sudden they do want to come.

Kids are fickle, your DD was fine and what your DH said was not horrible, just exasperated.

SquinkiesRule · 29/10/2016 17:09

You shouldn't be telling he's doing it all wrong in front of the child so you were both wrong.
If he's supposed to be taking your Dd with him to the shops he shouldn't have to persuade her, he's a parent, she's only 5.
It's a case of "come one get your shoes on were going" and you should have backed him up to get her out the door.
At 5 if they are allowed to dictate whether they go or not where is the line drawn? At 5 they have no line and will therefore think they can decide not to go to school? Grandmas? anything they please.

Whatsername17 · 29/10/2016 17:10

My dd is the same age and I've said to her similar before. Dd having a meltdown because she doesn't want to go and I'll say something like 'we are going shopping, put your shoes on or you will have to stay here on your own'. I don't think it's particularly mean but I try not to say it because I'd never leave her alone so it's a stupid thing to say. When she turns around and says 'fine I'll stay here' I'm screwed!

MistressMerryWeather · 29/10/2016 17:19

Oh bum, I said something along the lines of that to DS yesterday afternoon when he didn't want to come shopping.

Although he is 9 and was thrilled at the idea of having the whole house to himself.

YANBU - It wasn't horrible.

MistressMerryWeather · 29/10/2016 17:20

I mean YABU!

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/10/2016 17:20

If my dh overreacts, I intervene. It doesn't happen often. My dd needs to know that her feelings are considered and that she doesn't feel marginalised or bullied by not one but two parents. I don't think you did anything wrong. It is far less important to show a "united front" to children when one parent has overstepped the mark than to intervene and help repair the situation as well as the relationship between the overreacting parent and child. Compassion is needed for everyone and I do sometimes get too grumpy or shouty as well and it can work both ways. When these things happen, we talk about it and apologise to dd. We are only humans and also make mistakes. We've learnt a lot more as parents by doing it this way than on a "united front". Of course, certain family rules have to be adhered to and that's where the united front comes into play. So keep doing what you're doing and calling out any bad behaviour. He's learning to be a daddy of a child as she's growing up too and it's fine to make mistakes along the way.

DixieWishbone · 29/10/2016 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PerspicaciaTick · 29/10/2016 17:21

Do you always undermine your DH in front of your child?

How would you have handled a similar situation in which your DD was cheeky and rude to you - culminating in crocodile tears to get her own way?

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