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AIBU?

To tell DH 'that was horrible'

139 replies

fluffypacman · 29/10/2016 16:37

DH was trying to pursuade dd to go food shopping with him, as she's resistant he says 'I'm trying to do something nice with you, I thought you'd like to cook something with daddy'. She starts to cry. He then tells her that if she won't come now 'he'll just leave her at home to cry'. I intervene as don't like his tone and tell him 'oh DH, that's a horrible thing to say'.

He tells me she's pretending and said to me 'thanks for your support'. To me this seems a pretty insensitive thing to say to a 5yo even if she is putting it on a bit. He has a tendency to get upset if people don't want to do the activities he wants them to do. He sulked a bit last week as he wanted me to take her to the snow dome on my day off and I said I'd be too busy sorting out family stuff. I have PMT so not sure if I'm bu or whether he's truely being an arse.

OP posts:

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WankingMonkey · 01/11/2016 15:15

It would have been better to disagree with DH over this out of the hearing of your child. Not backing each other up is a prime cause of disturbed behaviour.

Another for this post I am afraid.

Though I have been guilty of it myself before when Dh parents in a way I do not agree with. But I have learnt to bite my tongue til later on, or to ask him to come talk to me now, out of earshot of the kids.

Deathstarevicki · 01/11/2016 14:51

Really? I think your a drama queen. Its a ridiculous none issue.

MrsC45 · 31/10/2016 22:51

It's awful behaviour from your husband. How many girls have done things that they didn't want to because a man/boy made her feel guilty, and boys too of course. Teaching children from a young age that it's okay to make a choice someone else doesn't agree with is about the most important thing you can teach a child. Sorry but it's not a petty issue at all.

lottieandmia · 31/10/2016 22:41

The point is there was no need for her to go. 5 year olds are little. They have to go to school all week at a relatively young age. They should be allowed to have a say in how they spend their weekend just like the rest of us.

I remember my mum getting very angry with me when I was 4 because she took me to a firework display and I was afraid of the noise. I have sensory issues, still but her approach was horrible. It's like 'you will enjoy it because I say so'. Not healthy

MrsC45 · 31/10/2016 22:15

YANBU - if you give your child a choice you shouldn't make them feel guilty if they make the choice you didn't want them to! I think you did the right thing and that actually you are doing your child a real disservice if you give her the message she doesn't have the right to say no to things. Teaching your child to give in to emotional blackmail, especially a girl, is not doing her any favours.

Yakitori · 31/10/2016 09:21

He sounds like a manchild.

I can't believe people would always back up their DH. What, regardless? It's vastly more important for a child to know you have their back if their dad IBU.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2016 09:15

I agreed with you intervening right from the start op. He sounds very immature.

CheesyWeez · 31/10/2016 09:08

I would have been exasperated too OP after all that faffing. With PMT though I'd have welcomed him taking her out for a bit!

I'd be worried about the snowdome thing though, no one tries to organize my day off for me. I hope you work it out OP.

Brightredpencil · 31/10/2016 07:34

He should have just told her she was going shopping with him, and you should have backed him up. You sound like a pair of drama queens and should cop on and parent like adults.

^This.

PrimalLass · 31/10/2016 06:43

Mountain out of a molehill.

Mycatsaninja · 30/10/2016 22:55

OP it's called 'coercive abuse'
He's a bully ! Emotional blackmail is unacceptable and to a five year old is appalling ! Very poor parenting indeed . God help you xx

lottieandmia · 30/10/2016 21:40

Yes op - you are right to feel concerned. Your dh is expecting your dd to validate him and his feelings . That is not good parenting. It's his job to love her, it is not her job to love him.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 30/10/2016 21:40

It's hardly horrid, he wanted to spend time with her, she didn't, he's hurt.
I often leave my kids to cry when I know they are just doing it to get their own way. You should back him upz

MrsJayy · 30/10/2016 21:18

Oh now i have read your latest post it sounds really hard for you seems the parenting relationship has broken down Im not sure what to suggest really sorry

Daddymcdadface · 30/10/2016 21:17

Actually have to say now that he needs to grow up and yes if you ask if child wants then child has right yo just say no I don't want

Daddymcdadface · 30/10/2016 21:14

Every one was wrong in thus situation. He shouldn't have threatened DD though I have done same thing at times to my shame. You should have pointed this out when DD wasn't there and DD should just have got ready to go

Daydream007 · 30/10/2016 20:09

YANBU. He sounds very childish

Cordeliana · 30/10/2016 20:05

Its not your fault. You did the right thing. Please get some advice and support. Things will only get worse, and damage you and the children in the process.

Horsepower9 · 30/10/2016 19:55

Omg you have two five year olds! He is horrid.

fluffypacman · 30/10/2016 19:36

Thanks all. He had been faffing about taking her for a good 30 min before he actually asked her for the final time if she wanted to come with him. I kept on asking if he was going or not but he was busy playing on his phone, kept mentioning it to dd that they were going, before finally moving. Then when she said she didn't want to go and he got huffy I think I'd lost patience/given up with the situation and left him to it as I'd already asked a few times if he was going to go as time was ticking on. When he finally did move it was then a bit of a rush. A lot of things in our house need two to assist with when DH is involved, I get little help so I think I've withdrawn my help from him to a certain extent as need a break and think, you leave me to it. No, it's not all I have to worry about in life. Just wanted to see whether I was being unfair as my gut said this was wrong. One of the responses hit the nail on the head when they said dd was asked if she wanted to go when she didn't want to, he resorted to emotional blackmail to make her feel bad about not going with him. I don't have the emotional insight to know why it felt wrong but that's it. He's done it since when asking the dd to give him a cuddle, then when she won't saying 'I wonder when you'll like me?'in a hurt manner. She's 5 ffs. I tend to ask if they would like a cuddle, if they don't, no worries, they don't feel like it. With him, it's about him wanting a cuddle regardless of how they're feeling. Believe me, I don't let my children get away with murder and am fairly strict. I am quite happy to be the bad guy. TBH I think this is symptomatic of problems in our marriage as he does fit that thread about incompetent husbands. I do think I've lost a lot of respect for him. He won't discuss things. I tried to open up a conversation afterwards about this but he shut it off and then sulked for the rest of the evening. How can we resolve parenting differences if when I try and talk to him, he won't? I think I've ended up telling him off because that's the only chance I get to say anything. He just wants to sweep anything else under the carpet. Anyway. Enough waffle. I'll put this thread to bed. Night all.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 30/10/2016 19:23

Dad mightve been a bit cack handed about it but he wanted to spend a bit of time with his Dd it might not have been an all singing all dancing treat but he wanted her to go with him.

Italiangreyhound · 30/10/2016 19:21

YANBU.

"He has a tendency to get upset if people don't want to do the activities he wants them to do. He sulked a bit last week as he wanted me to take her to the snow dome on my day off and I said I'd be too busy sorting out family stuff." Who is the five-year-old? Sounds like him!

IMHO, he needs to start negotiating better. Either she has to go shopping (not unreasonable, if he was on his own with dd) or she cannot go shop(e.g. if it is too late when he is going out); or she can choose - in which case she gets to decide.

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DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 30/10/2016 19:13

I'm in the minority here, with Lottie and Oswin. It's a trest which isn't, she didn't want to go, and was then made to feel awful about it and cry. That is emotional blackmail and is entirely unnecessary. It is getting her, as a 5 year old, to be held to account for her dad's feelings !

I also give lots of choices and let my dc have also much control over their lives as possible. They are only little, Y1 and YR for my dts, but all behave well and do well at school so far. Reassuring to hear yours still do Lottie

Pagwatch · 30/10/2016 18:55

Good lord.

Op . YABU. And the dramatic manner in which some posters are talking about this nothing issue makes me understand why emotional resilience is disappearing.
He wanted to cook with his daughter and go get the ingredients together. She was being a five year old. No one died.
Talking about him being horrid to her is absolutely going to taint future joint activities. Also she knows for sure that being a bit whiny works - good luck with that op.

Charmed18 · 30/10/2016 18:49

You should have backed him up that she was going if that is what was agreed. Otherwise she will think she can turn on the tears and get out of doing anything she doesn't want to do. At 5 she will be at school so should be getting used to doing what an adult asks her to do!

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