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AIBU?

To tell DH 'that was horrible'

139 replies

fluffypacman · 29/10/2016 16:37

DH was trying to pursuade dd to go food shopping with him, as she's resistant he says 'I'm trying to do something nice with you, I thought you'd like to cook something with daddy'. She starts to cry. He then tells her that if she won't come now 'he'll just leave her at home to cry'. I intervene as don't like his tone and tell him 'oh DH, that's a horrible thing to say'.

He tells me she's pretending and said to me 'thanks for your support'. To me this seems a pretty insensitive thing to say to a 5yo even if she is putting it on a bit. He has a tendency to get upset if people don't want to do the activities he wants them to do. He sulked a bit last week as he wanted me to take her to the snow dome on my day off and I said I'd be too busy sorting out family stuff. I have PMT so not sure if I'm bu or whether he's truely being an arse.

OP posts:

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Kirriemuir · 29/10/2016 17:24

I don't see anything wrong with what he said. Your response concerns me though as I bet the child now starts to play on that, if not doing so already.

followTheyellowbrickRoad · 29/10/2016 17:44

You said yourself that she was putting it on a bit! I don't think he was being horrible either.

YelloDraw · 29/10/2016 17:49

Well the choice was 1) go food shopping wiht daddy or 2) stay home and cry since that is what she was doing!

You need to back him up.

SemiNormal · 29/10/2016 17:49

Can't see what he's done wrong to be honest.

As for this comment And a bit needy. Maybe he could make some friends his own age? cannot believe a father is being blasted for wanting to do some cooking with his child and it's being suggested he needs to get some friends for wanting to spend time with his daughter. Fucking hell.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/10/2016 17:51

I don't see anything wrong with what he said. Your response concerns me though as I bet the child now starts to play on that, if not doing so already.

^ this.

allowlsthinkalot · 29/10/2016 17:53

I can't see any issue at all and think you were being u from what you have said.

screamingeels · 29/10/2016 17:53

I think it is a different parenting style thing and you've undermined him. I do recognise the kind of slightly rubbish thing where DH seems to expect DC to have adult understanding of reciprocity "I was trying to do something nice for you" and the 0 to exasperated in 30 seconds. My DH is like this too - but like DC you have to pick your battles and remember that there's probably aspects of your parenting he thinks are crap.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 29/10/2016 17:57

I've always found the best way to persuade a child to come to the supermarket is to tell them they can choose some sweets / Halloween decorations etc. Marvellous thing, bribery!

< misses point of thread >

ElizabethHoney · 29/10/2016 18:02

His wording wasn't exactly textbook parenting - but then who would pass that standard all of the time?!

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to have talked to him later about his reactions (this and previous times) and explained why you're not comfortable with what he said.

However, it's really not ideal to pick him up on it in front of your child. It's always best if parents can present a united front and back each other up, saving discussions and disagreements for when the child is out of earshot.

Although I'm not sure many couples manage that 100% of the time either!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 29/10/2016 18:03

If she said 'no', he should have accepted it. I hate when adults give DCs an option and then undermine their choice. I also hate if they undermine the choice using emotional blackmail
But I wouldn't have intervened and said it was horrible in front of the DC.

bigbuttons · 29/10/2016 18:04

NO WAY should you have undermined your dh in front of your child.
You were in the wrong op not your dh.

Memoires · 29/10/2016 18:10

He likes getting his own way, and sulks or gets mean when he doesn't get what he wants?

Does he do this a lot?

Is he controlling in other ways?

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:14

That is not good parenting. Your 5 year old child doesn't want to do something (why should she?) so her dad tries to emotionally manipulate her into doing it and then shames her. He sounds like the 5 year old(!)

All parents, before having a child should accept that they cannot expect their child to do everything they want them to, or share their aspirations or fulfill their expectations.

This is incredibly toxic behaviour from him - YANBU at all.

instantly · 29/10/2016 18:14

I don't see an issue with what he said.

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:16

Big buttons - sod undermining him or not. The child's emotional wellbeing is paramount.

If one parent is toxic then it's the other parents job to shield the child from it.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/10/2016 18:18

This is incredibly toxic behaviour from him

user1471494124 · 29/10/2016 18:20

Yabu. I see no issue with what he said.

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:20

Sulking and emotionally manipulative behaviour towards a 5 year old child is toxic, yes.

HaveNoSocks · 29/10/2016 18:21

YANBU. He shouldn't be projecting his own feelings onto DD. Sounds like he was disappointed she didn't want to do his choice of activity so he had a sulk and took it out on her. If he wanted to do something nice with her he could have actually tried to find something they'd both enjoy.

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:23

The OP has put this into context by saying that he didn't say it in a light hearted manner to his child. and he regularly sulks when things dont go his way

Olympiathequeen · 29/10/2016 18:23

Who's the kid here?

user1471439727 · 29/10/2016 18:24

There is no issue with what he said.

An adult telling a 5 year old child what to do does not equate to being horrid, toxic behaviour, controlling behaviour or emotional blackmail. It's simply called parenting.

Can't quite believe that there are people who think like that.

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lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:27

Telling your child what to do is when it's something important like getting ready for school or not running in front of cars.

This is his problem. I can't stand people who think their children have a responsibility to please them. So what if she doesn't want to go shopping to get cooking ingredients? That's not fun for everyone.

jacks11 · 29/10/2016 18:32

It wasn't the nicest thing to say to your DD. I can understand why you wanted to step in.

If you are going to step in when you think he's got it wrong I do think you have to tread carefully for two reasons- 1) although in this instance I do think he got it wrong (though not terrible, IMHO) things can't always be done the way you would do it, as your husband is entitled to an opinion on how to parent too; and 2) you have to be ok with him contradicting or overruling you, if he thinks you've got it wrong. I think you do have to be careful not to create a mindset for your DD where she thinks it is ok not to do what daddy asks/ only has to do what mummy says/ learns to play the two of you off against each other. Children are remarkably perceptive and can quickly learn new tricks!

However, I have to admit I would also have been annoyed at a 5 year old being "resistant" about something she has been asked/told to do. I generally don't let young children dictate what they will and will not do to any great extent- if I need/want to go out (whether that be shopping or something equally boring) and they need to come, then I expect them to do so without a long discussion or debate. Maybe your husband was fed up that he had asked your DD to do something and she wouldn't do as she was asked?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/10/2016 18:33

So what if she doesn't want to go shopping to get cooking ingredients? That's not fun for everyone.

So you should only do things that 'are fun' for children then....

If both OP and DH were going do you expect them to leave DD at home as 'it isn't fun' for her.

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