To tell DH 'that was horrible'

[fluffypacman]

DH was trying to pursuade dd to go food shopping with him, as she's resistant he says 'I'm trying to do something nice with you, I thought you'd like to cook something with daddy'. She starts to cry. He then tells her that if she won't come now 'he'll just leave her at home to cry'. I intervene as don't like his tone and tell him 'oh DH, that's a horrible thing to say'.

He tells me she's pretending and said to me 'thanks for your support'. To me this seems a pretty insensitive thing to say to a 5yo even if she is putting it on a bit. He has a tendency to get upset if people don't want to do the activities he wants them to do. He sulked a bit last week as he wanted me to take her to the snow dome on my day off and I said I'd be too busy sorting out family stuff. I have PMT so not sure if I'm bu or whether he's truely being an arse.

[fluffypacman]

We don't tend to have behavioural problems. They're generally well behaved although daughter can be a bit sulky, stroppy at times. I also said 'if she was putting it on a bit'. I wasn't in the same room, so don't know if it was crocodile tears. it was the tone that I disliked and heard from three rooms away. I don't feel i often undermine him (hence trying not to interfere as it would have been seen as that if I had helped) but I feel it's important to stick up for your child if someone's being a bit harsh. I'd hope they stick up for a friend if someone was being horrible, rather than waiting to have a 'quiet word'. I know I make mistakes too. I think the PMT is to blame. I really should stay off aibu when I have PMT as I probably am being unreasonable. I personify PMT stereotypes. Hence seeing both my original point of view and everyone else's! God. I'll say night night and have a chat with the old chap when the kids are in bed. Probably for the best. Thanks all x

[sailawaywithme]

Perhaps I'm an awful parent, but what was so particularly terrible about what he said? You sound like a bit of a snowflake to be honest, and as though you're raising your child to be one, too.

[lottieandmia]

It's not what he said surely but the way he said it. And the fact that the OP said her DH always sulks if he can't get his own way about what he wants to do. This is not normal behaviour from an adult. He probably would have had a better response if he went out to get the stuff and then suggested they make something together when he got home (who the hell wants to take a 5 year old to a supermarket on a Saturday anyway?!)

[Woollymammoth63]

I don't think it was horrible. He just wanted to spend time with her and was trying to persuade her.. Maybe you should have persuaded her too because if you side with her against him she might become a bit spoilt or manipulative when she is older.

[PerspicaciaTick]

DH sulks because he wants his own way.
DD sulks because she wants her own way.

But you still need to wait and pull your DH about his sulking when your DD isn't around overhear...otherwise she will start to think that she has won the sulking contest.

[youarenotkiddingme]

Id be suggesting he tells th 5yo she's going to supermarket instead of giving her the choice in future.

So he suggests something nice, she doesn't want to, he expresses disappoint my, she cries fake tears - and voila - daddy is the nasty man for wanting to spend time with her cos mummy said so.

YABU and likely to raise a spoilt brat of this carries on.

[Dieu]

I think you're over thinking it, to be honest. I don't see the big deal.

[fluffypacman]

Ah well. Chat consisted of me 'I don't think I handled you and dd very well'. DH 'don't worry about it, it's just one of those things. Sigh.' Wanders out of the room. looks like I have the evening on my own.

[lottieandmia]

I really just don't agree with this 'I'm the parent and you'll do as I say' in a bullish, blanket policy way. There is no need for it. You do not need to do it 'otherwise your child will grow up to be a spoilt brat' that is absolute nonsense. With my own children I've always insisted they do things that they need to do but I have never forced them to do something just to make a point because 'I am the parent' - that is not the way to go about gaining your child's respect and trust.

I am the parent of teenagers and a 7 year old who are all well known for their excellent manners (always mentioned specifically on their school reports) So my approach with them hasn't turned them into spoilt brats.

[lottieandmia]

I do agree with Perspic that there is a need to avoid sulking contests between the two of them though. If they are both stubborn this could be a pain in the future - some people just are and it's not necessarily a bad personality trait if channelled the right way. But your DH needs to rise above & not make a big deal. I have a friend who has this with her dd and DH as well.

[NoSexNameChange]

Onestly? He was guilty tripping her into doing something she didn't quite want to do.
Whether I would have intervene or not would have depended a lot on how he said all that, tone of voice in particular would make a big difference.

But if I had thought what he said/how he said it was damaging for the child, yes I would have intervene, wo a doubt.
And actually I would expect DH Ito intervene if it was the other way around, not the least because we all make mistakes and I'd rather the dcs not suffer because of mistakes that can be avoided iyswim.

[tinkywinkyslover]

He wasn't horrible. Maybe you're too soft.

[Believeitornot]

Yanbu

My DH is a bit like this. He takes it so fucking personally if the dcs don't want to spend time with him and basically sulks if they don't want to do something.

I would have stepped in if I felt he was being rude to the dcs.

If the dcs have to go to the supermarket, we don't discuss with them. It just happens. None of this emotional blackmail bullshit. Which was what your DH did wrong.

[dybil]

I can't see anything wrong with what he said tbh, and I think the OP handled it badly. Some weird reactions in here.

[Naicehamshop]

Some people have just completely missed the point on here.

It wasn't that she was being asked to do something she didn't particularly want to do - that happens and children have to accept it. It's the fact that he was putting emotional pressure on her and then sulking because she didn't want to go. She is the child, he is the ADULT - he needs to start behaving like one.

[TheStoic]

Good on you for trying to sort it out with your husband, OP. Hopefully he's learned something from the incident, as you clearly have.

[LucyBabs]

Agree with naicehamshop

Also I have often pulled my dp up on his tone with the dc, in front of the dc. Am I supposed to stand by and allow him to over react? usually because he's had a long day at work or he's tired.

[Oswin]

I swear people are being deliberately obtuse.

He gave the Dd the option to go. It wasn't like "right we have errands to run let's go" .

He wanted her to get all excited about shopping and cooking with him.

When she wasn't excited he started being a twat.

He tried to make her think he was upset because she didn't want to go.

That is shit parenting.

Who the fuck emotionally blackmails a little child ffs.

That is what he was doing , making a child responsible for an adults emotions.

You were right op. Dd needs to know that daddy making her feel like that is very wrong.

[kali110]

I agree with others.
Don't agree that this is horrible parenting, or controlling.
also not surprised that he's gone off into another room. Yes stick up for your child if you believe they're being bullied, hurt but this wasn't the case.
I'd have been telling her to get her coat and go with her dad ( and then enjoying the peace).

[user1477282676]

I think you sound precious as hell OP.

[DameSquashalot]

I agree with Lottie and Oswin.

Of course children have to sometimes do things that they don't want to do, but if you force someone to do something then how is that a treat?

Using emotional blackmail to get your own way with anybody, whatever their age, is wrong.

[orangebobble]

I agree with the others who don't think your husbands approach was good parenting at all. I definitely think he was being emotionally manipulative. But also agree that you probably should have talked about it with him later when you were alone. I don't think you were wrong to defuse the situation. Just maybe you could have been done in a way that didn't get your husband's back up so much.

[Prisencolinensinainciusol]

I agree that he was being horrible, but I also think you could have intervened in a different way, simply saying 'dd can stay home with me if she wants to'. Then explained later to DH what the problem is with how he was dealing with it.

Again for those that seem to have misunderstood - OP's DH never said dd had to go, just wanted to emotionally blackmail her into wanting to go. If he had stated, 'come on dd, we're going to the shops', then dealt firmly with any resistance, that would have been fine.