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AIBU?

To tell DH 'that was horrible'

139 replies

fluffypacman · 29/10/2016 16:37

DH was trying to pursuade dd to go food shopping with him, as she's resistant he says 'I'm trying to do something nice with you, I thought you'd like to cook something with daddy'. She starts to cry. He then tells her that if she won't come now 'he'll just leave her at home to cry'. I intervene as don't like his tone and tell him 'oh DH, that's a horrible thing to say'.

He tells me she's pretending and said to me 'thanks for your support'. To me this seems a pretty insensitive thing to say to a 5yo even if she is putting it on a bit. He has a tendency to get upset if people don't want to do the activities he wants them to do. He sulked a bit last week as he wanted me to take her to the snow dome on my day off and I said I'd be too busy sorting out family stuff. I have PMT so not sure if I'm bu or whether he's truely being an arse.

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lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:35

This wasn't something the child needed to do - it was something her dad wanted to do dressed up as a treat for her (not a treat because she didn't want to) and then he made her feel bad because she didn't want to.

There is a great difference between a child being told to do something because it's for their own good and a child being forced to do something because it validates the parent. The second is unacceptable.

jacks11 · 29/10/2016 18:35

I'd also say it would have been better to disagree with your husband outwith your DD's hearing, especially if you think she was putting it on a bit. I also agree with others, whilst I don't think he handled it well, I don't think what he did was "horrible" or particularly terrible TBH.

Trifleorbust · 29/10/2016 18:37

Hardly 'unacceptable' to take your child shopping with you, Lottie, whatever the reason, even if they don't particularly feel like going.

SemiNormal · 29/10/2016 18:41

Can't believe some of the posters - genuinely shocked!

So none of you have ever said to a partner/friend/relative ..

You: Hey lets go do XYZ it'll be fun?
Them: Nah, can't be bothered, I'm going to stay home tonight/today
You: Ahhh come on don't be such a misery guts it'll be a laugh

albertcampionscat · 29/10/2016 18:45

Toxic?

Wtaf?

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:46

Why drag a reluctant child shopping if they would prefer to stay at home with mum? That's just mean. If you have to go and it's unavaoidable that is different. This was not the case here.

The DH needs educating about unfair expectations of children. It is NOT a child's job to validate the feelings of their parents. Perhaps he was treated the same way.

jacks11 · 29/10/2016 18:46

Lottie

If I ask my DD to do something, even if it is something boring or something she would rather not do, then I expect her to do it. In this instance, I think there is a reasonable chance that once she got going, all would have been fine. Children have to learn to do things, even if it's not fun.

user1471439727 · 29/10/2016 18:47

It's the most basic life lesson that you can't always get your own way. A five year old will be resistant towards absolutely anything. Would you let a child dictate what to eat for dinner? What to watch on TV? What time they should go to bed?

Let them get their own way all the time and eventually they'll refuse to get ready for school, and to do all the other things they have to do.

It sounds like your DH was trying to do a nice thing by spending time with her and doing something. By taking her shopping he'd get to spend more time with her and get her more excited to cook together. You see on here all the time about fathers or stepfather so who aren't interested, or mothers who don't get a break and quite rightly the lazy parent is berated. He made an effort and OP undermined him in front of DD.

Maybe he was trying to give OP a rest due to her PMT. Or maybe he feels bad that she didn't go to the snow dome and is trying to do something with her instead, because you were too busy.

I think he sounds quite thoughtful, and 'thanks for your support' seems like a natural thing to say in response, when you and DD are both against him. Does he always get shot down? That would explain the 'sulking'.

RichardBucket · 29/10/2016 18:47

YABU. Don't undermine him in front of your children.

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:47

Semi/normal - when it's a partner friend or relative you're all adults.

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:50

'It's the most basic life lesson that you can't always get your own way'

No, it's a basic life lesson that you may have to do important things you don't want to for the good of yourself or of others but that does NOT include going shopping for food ingredients to keep your dad happy when you're 5 years old. FFS

AmysTiara · 29/10/2016 18:51

I don't think it's a big issue to be honest

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:52

If he made her cry then he obviously upset her. Why couldn't he just have asked her what she would like to do if he really wanted to do something with her.

Trifleorbust · 29/10/2016 18:53

Going shopping with your dad is a normal part of family life. Doing ordinary things (not as treats) even when you don't feel like it is a normal part of family life. Yes, the dad could have just accepted that she didn't want to go, but he's the parent and he didn't. Not fantastic, not tragic - just normal.

TaterTots · 29/10/2016 18:57

Any adult who uses words like 'horrible' or 'horrid' is being unreasonable.

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 18:58

Well some people seem to see children on a different level as though they have fewer rights and parents can force them to do things they don't want to. What on earth is the point of that unless it's really important for the child's future and well being?

'I'll make you do it because I can' what exactly is the point? Unless you want your child to grow up resenting you.

Being a parent is about realising that you can't expect your child to do exactly what you want them to all the time when it's non-essential.

Johnny5isAlive · 29/10/2016 19:00

Yabu

Topseyt · 29/10/2016 19:01

I dragged mine plenty of places they didn't want to go when they were that age.

I also don't see much wrong with how OP's DH dealt with this.

Clearly I am manipulative and toxic. I am proud of it.

Trifleorbust · 29/10/2016 19:01

"Being a parent is about realising that you can't expect your child to do exactly what you want them to all the time when it's non-essential."

Of course not all the time. I don't think anyone is saying that. It's give and take, but the parents are in charge ultimately, not the kids, so no, they don't have the same rights as adults.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 29/10/2016 19:01

Well some people seem to see children on a different level as though they have fewer rights and parents can force them to do things they don't want to. What on earth is the point of that unless it's really important for the child's future and well being?

No one has said children 'have fewer rights'

So parents shouldn't make DC do something unless it is important to their future or wellbeing.

I really think I live on a different planet sometimes.

lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 19:05

We all have to take our kids somewhere they don't want to go sometimes.

The difference here is that the dad was suggesting it was a treat to try to get his own way. A treat is something you WANT to do.

PerspicaciaTick · 29/10/2016 19:09

But what about all the times when your two children have different ideas about what they want to do? Child A wants spag bol for tea. Child B wants chilli con carne. As a parent you have to decide whether to overrule Child A, overrule Child B or go for the third option (shepherds pie) and have everyone in tears.

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lottieandmia · 29/10/2016 19:11

That's entirely different. A parent is a grown up - they shouldn't act like a toddler just because their idea of what is fun doesn't match their child's.

SemiNormal · 29/10/2016 19:12

But what about all the times when your two children have different ideas about what they want to do? Child A wants spag bol for tea. Child B wants chilli con carne. As a parent you have to decide whether to overrule Child A, overrule Child B or go for the third option (shepherds pie) and have everyone in tears. - then you have to cater for them all because they have 'rights' and as eating a meal they don't like would not be beneficial for their well being or future then they should not be 'forced' to eat a meal they may not like as much as the one they would rather have.

LynetteScavo · 29/10/2016 19:12

I have a relative who never forces their child to do things. The child actually misses out on a lot a great experiences because of it.

As you can imagine, when the child started school they didn't know they have to do things they didn't want to

OP, you were out of order to speak to your DH like that in front if your child. Raised eyebrows and some kind but firm words yourself would have been more appropriate. Y

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