To tell DH 'that was horrible'

[fluffypacman]

DH was trying to pursuade dd to go food shopping with him, as she's resistant he says 'I'm trying to do something nice with you, I thought you'd like to cook something with daddy'. She starts to cry. He then tells her that if she won't come now 'he'll just leave her at home to cry'. I intervene as don't like his tone and tell him 'oh DH, that's a horrible thing to say'.

He tells me she's pretending and said to me 'thanks for your support'. To me this seems a pretty insensitive thing to say to a 5yo even if she is putting it on a bit. He has a tendency to get upset if people don't want to do the activities he wants them to do. He sulked a bit last week as he wanted me to take her to the snow dome on my day off and I said I'd be too busy sorting out family stuff. I have PMT so not sure if I'm bu or whether he's truely being an arse.

Well said Prisen.

Persuading children to do something to the point of making them cry is bad parenting, as is walking away from the situation and saying, 'Well, I'll just leave you to cry then!' It's a form of emotional blackmail.

It also teaches children that people they respect and in authority need to be placated regardless of how you feel. I never let my daughters be people pleasers and my son was a nightmare in the shops, to be avoided at all times if possible as he is autistic and is sensitive to lights and noise - even in Waitrose. If they didn't want tickles, then that was fine. I never got in a huff about it. If they didn't want to come shopping, then that was fine, I didn't push it. However, if they did want to help with the cooking after, then I was all for it. I usually got something easy they could help to bake and sure enough, the next time I asked if they wanted to come shopping they would. Even my son joined in with the baking as he liked licking the spoon, despite him hating messy play.

All your husband is doing is teaching your daughter to be a pleaser even if she doesn't want to. That's not good for self esteem.

YANBU.

And to those who say if you make everything fun it's not teaching them everything, reception class is all about learning through fun.

I think people are reading OP differently.

I saw it as the DH going to do food shop and wanting DD to go. She was arguing not to so he said he was planning to get ingredients to cook as well.
My POV and comments were in relation to the fact I wouldn't ask a 5yo to go food shopping if I felt they should be going - I'd tell them.

So I phrase it along the lines of "right DD we have to go and do food shop in 20 minutes. We can get baking stuff and cook some cakes whilst we are there if you like"

So first bit is non negotiable - 2nd bit is an option.

He sounds like a bit of a wally, but it wasn't THAT mean, and you should NEVER undermine your husband in front of your child like that. Mean, nasty Daddy v Lovely, kind Mummy is a recipe for disaster.

A lot of vile posts on here, sounds like he just wanted to spend some quality time with his daughter to me!
Don't undermine him in front of her.
Also if this is your biggest problem then you can be happy!

Could be a problem storing for the future if DD feels she always has a choice of whether she complies or not. Sometimes they just have to come with you to do shopping etc and that is that. If your DH phrased it as a question he is giving the impression she can choose and she chose no but she probably would have had a lovely time shopping and baking with her DDad. Never a good idea to undermine anyone in front of others, but it happens.

I think it is important to be supportive of each other and what he said made sense if you're not coming then just stop at home then.He wasn't making her go. But I do particularly hate having my days off organized for me so I do agree with you there !

I dont see the issue your dh wanted to take his dd out on 2 occasions she didnt want to so he said fine stay home and you said he was being mean.

Telling her he'd leave her at home to cry was cruel, IMHO.

She's 5. She's only little and little things seem big to her. He's the adult. We've all said horrid things to our kids in the heat of the moment, maybe next time just give her a cuddle because she's upset and discuss it later with him instead of in front of her?

I agree that if really want the DC to do something, u tell them that's what's happening, u shouldn't ask if they want to. I remember being the child in this situation, my aunt asked me when I was 8 if I'd like to meet a boy of 11 up the road, and I said no thank you (I was happy playing where I was). She got very angry, slapped me, and dragged me to meet said child; she apparently meant to say 'get ur coat, I'm taking u to meet someone'! But I wasn't being awkward, I genuinely thought I was being offered a choice.

YABU. And frankly, if you react like that every times he is not acting as the Perfect Parent according to you, and you let her get her way everytimes, because mama is always going to swoop in and berate him in front of her, do not be surprised if he disengages a little until she "puts it on" less.

Didn't you encourage your dd to go with her dad op? Swooping in saying daddy is a meanie is reinforcing daddy is a meanie. You should have maybe comforted the crying and encouraged her to go

You should have backed him up that she was going if that is what was agreed. Otherwise she will think she can turn on the tears and get out of doing anything she doesn't want to do. At 5 she will be at school so should be getting used to doing what an adult asks her to do!

Good lord.

Op . YABU. And the dramatic manner in which some posters are talking about this nothing issue makes me understand why emotional resilience is disappearing.
He wanted to cook with his daughter and go get the ingredients together. She was being a five year old. No one died.
Talking about him being horrid to her is absolutely going to taint future joint activities. Also she knows for sure that being a bit whiny works - good luck with that op.

I'm in the minority here, with Lottie and Oswin. It's a trest which isn't, she didn't want to go, and was then made to feel awful about it and cry. That is emotional blackmail and is entirely unnecessary. It is getting her, as a 5 year old, to be held to account for her dad's feelings !

I also give lots of choices and let my dc have also much control over their lives as possible. They are only little, Y1 and YR for my dts, but all behave well and do well at school so far. Reassuring to hear yours still do Lottie

YANBU.

"He has a tendency to get upset if people don't want to do the activities he wants them to do. He sulked a bit last week as he wanted me to take her to the snow dome on my day off and I said I'd be too busy sorting out family stuff." Who is the five-year-old? Sounds like him!

IMHO, he needs to start negotiating better. Either she has to go shopping (not unreasonable, if he was on his own with dd) or she cannot go shop(e.g. if it is too late when he is going out); or she can choose - in which case she gets to decide.

Dad mightve been a bit cack handed about it but he wanted to spend a bit of time with his Dd it might not have been an all singing all dancing treat but he wanted her to go with him.

Thanks all. He had been faffing about taking her for a good 30 min before he actually asked her for the final time if she wanted to come with him. I kept on asking if he was going or not but he was busy playing on his phone, kept mentioning it to dd that they were going, before finally moving. Then when she said she didn't want to go and he got huffy I think I'd lost patience/given up with the situation and left him to it as I'd already asked a few times if he was going to go as time was ticking on. When he finally did move it was then a bit of a rush. A lot of things in our house need two to assist with when DH is involved, I get little help so I think I've withdrawn my help from him to a certain extent as need a break and think, you leave me to it. No, it's not all I have to worry about in life. Just wanted to see whether I was being unfair as my gut said this was wrong. One of the responses hit the nail on the head when they said dd was asked if she wanted to go when she didn't want to, he resorted to emotional blackmail to make her feel bad about not going with him. I don't have the emotional insight to know why it felt wrong but that's it. He's done it since when asking the dd to give him a cuddle, then when she won't saying 'I wonder when you'll like me?'in a hurt manner. She's 5 ffs. I tend to ask if they would like a cuddle, if they don't, no worries, they don't feel like it. With him, it's about him wanting a cuddle regardless of how they're feeling. Believe me, I don't let my children get away with murder and am fairly strict. I am quite happy to be the bad guy. TBH I think this is symptomatic of problems in our marriage as he does fit that thread about incompetent husbands. I do think I've lost a lot of respect for him. He won't discuss things. I tried to open up a conversation afterwards about this but he shut it off and then sulked for the rest of the evening. How can we resolve parenting differences if when I try and talk to him, he won't? I think I've ended up telling him off because that's the only chance I get to say anything. He just wants to sweep anything else under the carpet. Anyway. Enough waffle. I'll put this thread to bed. Night all.

Omg you have two five year olds! He is horrid.

Its not your fault. You did the right thing. Please get some advice and support. Things will only get worse, and damage you and the children in the process.

YANBU. He sounds very childish

Every one was wrong in thus situation. He shouldn't have threatened DD though I have done same thing at times to my shame. You should have pointed this out when DD wasn't there and DD should just have got ready to go

Actually have to say now that he needs to grow up and yes if you ask if child wants then child has right yo just say no I don't want