Mum in the park

[Wilberforce2]

Who was being unreasonable..

Just took my dd (2.8), ds and his friend to the park. Dd wanted to scoot which was fine and I took her into the play park while the boys played at the goals with a football.

All was ok we parked the scooter and she was on the swings but then a little boy came over and took the scooter, I'm fine with that if he wants to have a quick go but dd starts going on about wanting it back then is out of the swing and chasing this boy for her scooter. The mum comes over and tells me she is trying to stop him taking other kids things but he isn't two yet and doesn't understand. By this time dd and is getting hysterical over the scooter so I ask for it back and get the whole "oh he isn't 2 yet he doesn't understand, he just wants to play" but we get it back. Dd scoots for a bit then goes on the slide at which point boy is straight over and back on the scooter, Dd is then off of the slide and wants it back Im seriously losing my patience by now with everyone!

I take dd to one side and tell her she needs to share blah blah blah but all she wants is her scooter left by the fence where she parked it! Other Mum is just laughing and telling her kid that he is upsetting the little girl and to hurry up because she doesn't want to share. Dd full on crying now so I tell her we are going home because she is being mean and isn't sharing, I ask for the scooter back and the Mum says "oh just a few more minutes and he will be done" but I'm fucked off now so I tell her no I want it back now because we are going. She begrudgingly gives it back her kid starts screeching and then she walks off muttering about kids need to be taught how to share!

My dd got told off and we all went home after just 15 mins in the park but I've just told dh and he said that dd didn't do anything wrong. He said that it was her scooter the other kid should have been made to leave it alone and I've told dd off for nothing I must admit I was thinking I wish the other Mum had just got her kid to leave the damn scooter and we could have all had a decent one in the park but then dd should share.

I'm not sure who was in the wrong and I need to know because I'm sure it's going to happen again, it's my local park and the Mum said she is there every day!!

I always ask DD if she is happy for others to play with her stuff while she isn't using it. Some times she is and sometimes she isn't. Anybody just taking it without asking would get short shrift, without me even bothering to ask DD if it was okay.

OP, I think you've got the gist that YABU

From a different perspective, full park, child kicking off - its really embarrassing for you as an adult that you can't stop the melt down. Sometimes we do things we are ashamed of because we can't bear all the people looking and judging us at the time.

You know now.

However, I would have bet your bottom dollar that the other parents in the park would have also said the other woman was in the wrong.

Good news is, you know now and you won't let it happen again to your dd. You have also apologised to dd and being small she will hopefully forget that it happened and enjoy a day at the park tomorrow.

Can I suggest a bike lock for the scooter?

She was being unreasonable, but IMO you were a bit too. Not with the woman but with your own child. Telling her she had to go home because some other kid is taking her stuff? A bit mean

Sharing, especially at that age (IMO), is only really enforceable between friends or with play equipment that doesn't belong to either child.

It was your DD scooter, no strangers child should have been permitted to take it and keep playing with it when she wanted it back.

An adult would not be expected to share their bike/car/phone/iPad/book/whatever if another adult came along and decided they wanted a go!

I read something about sharing a few years ago that I wish I'd bookmarked, but here's a couple of links that outline it:

• www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/its-ok-not-to-share
• www.popsugar.com/moms/Should-You-Teach-Kids-Share-27333250

The overall theme of this being, by telling our child that they HAVE to give up something they're using before they're done with it, we're teaching them that sharing is bad and makes them sad, as opposed to something that gives them joy (without being walked over of course).

Totally not on topic but I also agree with the "I will not tell my child to hug you" theme as well.

It's not her child's scooter, your DD doesn't HAVE to share with a complete stranger. The little boy's mum is the unreasonable one here - after one turn, fine, but not to keep doing it! I'd have been pissed too.

You have a lot more patience than I have though, I'd have snapped at the other mum for finding it funny and continuing to let her son use someone else's toy. I used to work in childcare, and honestly, all she needed to do was distract her son or walk away with him and show him something else he could play with (a sandbox, slide, swing, etc.). Toddlers usually get distracted easily - he would have likely carried on for a bit and then not cared at all about the scooter 5 minutes later.

Actually no she needs to teach her child not to take other people's things without asking. As soon as he took the scooter she should have returned it. If you felt like offering then she should have been thankful to you and set out the boundaries to her son. We give it back when the girl asks as it is hers.

So I now have a question - I see on MN all the time children being told that when they have their friends over to "play" that they can pick whatever toys they want and can't be upset if the friend breaks a toy, they should have put it away if they didn't want it broken.

But would you really do that if it was an adult friend? Would you be okay with them going around your house/room and taking things to play with like your flute or drums, or your new CD player, or whatever? I know I wouldn't. I'd be okay with my child saying to their friend "I'd rather you didn't play with that, how about this?" or playing in a different room or outside and only taking out specific toys they want played with.

I'm sure I'm overthinking it because if my son had friends over that ignored his wishes and were too loud and boisterous I would supervise play (depending on age of course). Eventually it'll just be friends to play electronic games/stare at a screen so it'll be moot, but just curious anyway.

Op I am very bad at dealing with confrontation too and there have been times when I feel I have let the DC down by not being assertive. I felt your pain reading your post. Your DD sounds lovely so you are obviously doing a good job. We all have our bad days and you have apologised to her, so go easy on yourself now. Good luck for tomorrow. I hope unreasonable mum is not there with her scooter theif!

Not read all the replies, but your dd definitely didn't do anything wrong.
Yes, at 2, the little boy won't have understood about it not being his, but that's where the mum should have been telling him that no, it's the little girl's and we'd go and play with something else.
That's what I'd have been telling my ds if he did that.
The other mum was seriously cheeky and not sending her kid a good message at all.

Only read the first page but I think you've realised that you shouldn't have made your dd 'share' in this circumstance. If the boy kept coming to it every time your dd put it down though I think I would have got her to give it to me to mind when she wasn't using it so I could have put the other child off. Can't get over the cheek of the other mum saying her kid would be 'just a few minutes' when you wanted to leave with YOUR dd's scooter

I find the easiest way to deal with these situations is to be brazen. For example (and yes I did this recently)

DD takes scooter to playground, parks it in scooter area and goes to play happily. Random small person takes scooter to play on. DD notices and wants scooter back.

Parent: She's just having her turn, it's nice to share
Me: Great, can I have your phone please.
Parent: what?
Me: Can I have your phone, I want to make a call and it's nice to share. And that coffee looks good, I'll have some of that too.
Parent: no of course you can't have my phone or my coffee
Me: but it's nice to share, why do you expect my child to share her own things when you won't share yours?
Parent glares at me as I remove their child from my toy.

I teach my child that taking turns is nice but if you don't want others using your things that's fine too. This is very strictly enforced as I'm a childminder so DD needs to have a sense of ownership of her own things otherwise it turns into a free for all on stuff.

glen If you really did that, you rock.

Glen

glen that's epic

If anything similar happens in future, ask for her purse.

Why shouldn't she share it with you?

Glen I need to be you!!

Just go for an extra long play tomorrow and hold on to the scooter youself if she doesn't want to share with randoms in the park. The mother and boy will be back, people tend to go to the same park. Should be easier this time, you are prepared. Sharing a favourite toy is for friends.

Glen you're awesome.

Op: there are worse things than not being confrontational. Just be aware of it and work on it and maybe try to follow G's example...

However, I'd like to add:
Why teach your kid to be "nice"? I mean, teaching politeness? Sure. Teaching strength, compassion, honesty, courage and self-confidence? Awesome.
But this "niceness"... idk, I don't get it (maybe it's because I'm not originally from Britain or because I myself used to struggle between being strong & polite and a "nice doormat"). But "nice" seems a bit of a bland quality... plus, there's apparently also "nice girl" syndrome.
I'm not trying to tell you how to raise your daughter. If this was an overstep then please disregard this comment. But I do feel like teaching girls to be "too nice" is something that could be mentioned here.

Agree with everyone else, sharing is when you are using things that belong to neither of you (like the swings) or when you have arranged to play together (like on a playdate).

Hmm. Sharing is kind but kids can't expet to go upto strangers and share their stuff. The real world doesn't work like that.

I'm not harping on OP anymore, I got that out of my system, and OP is being totally awesome at listening to us, and trying to make right with DD. (Thank you!) But I think I realized part of why I got so dang riled up.

I was a kid who always wanted to be nice, but like many kids, I had to learn the sharing bit. I came to equate sharing with being nice, or being kind, and I learned to capitulate or surrender, at most compromise, but not to stand my ground. As a result, growing up, I inadvertently surrendered belongings, money, and experiences, all in the name of "being nice" and/or "sharing."

When I got to be a teen, I had a grown man pull the "be nice" card on me to try and do things I did not want him to do. But I let him, to a point, because I wanted to be nice and he played on that. I had still not come to understand that I was in control--or should be. (Luckily I was good at being dodgy so it didn't go far, but he still was entirely inappropriate.)

Within a year, a boy closer to my age pulled the same thing. He pushed me to "share" my body and be nice to him, and got mad if I wasn't "nice," so I went further than I was ready for.

Please note I am not saying OP was setting her daughter up for that sort of thing! Nor am I blaming my parents for anything; my upbringing helped me to be a generous person where it counts. I was simply a people pleaser by nature, and having had the "nice/share" thing emphasized so strongly took me down an unexpected rabbit hole. Other kids in my exact situation would have more of a spine than I did and stride away from it.

But I wonder if that's what helped push my button.

OP, you sound like you're an awesome parent, if for no reason other than you want to learn from your experiences and really do right by your DD. I think your DD is probably pretty damn lucky to have you, and is going to grow up to be a very well raised young lady!

I'd have done what you did but agree your DH is right. I'm always falling over myself to please others and need to learn to stand up for my family. Glad you'll go back to the park with your DD. Thanks for starting the thread- it's crystalised a couple of things for me

I agree with pp the other mum was Bu but I think Op could have done more to help. My DS is 2 and would want to have a go on the scooter, I would not let him as it isn't his but, if he had got it before I noticed and I had then got him off it, got him to give back and apologise (which is what the other mum should have done not told him it was sharing) I would then have been inwardly quite pissed off if the scooter was then just left again for me to have to fight DS not to use it. Of course I know that is not OPs problem but knowing it was an issue would it not have been more helpful to have held on to the girls scooter for her while she went on the slide or had it at your feet so the thief boy wasn't tempted?

raspberrysuicide interestingly I've just realised I have a different standard for the sandpit, if a bucket and spade are left clearly unguarded they are fair game to be played with (gently) provided they are given straight back if asked and not removed from the sandpit - am I wrong?

I agree with your husband too - my DD is 2.9 and loves her scooter. All the playgrounds we visit tend to have those scooter parking areas and she rightly expects to leave it there and pick it up again when she wants it. At playgroups etc and when friends are at ours she is made to share but not by some random in the park. Tough awkward situation though. Other mum will probably realise in a year when she's at that stage that sharing is a minefield!