Mum in the park

[Wilberforce2]

Who was being unreasonable..

Just took my dd (2.8), ds and his friend to the park. Dd wanted to scoot which was fine and I took her into the play park while the boys played at the goals with a football.

All was ok we parked the scooter and she was on the swings but then a little boy came over and took the scooter, I'm fine with that if he wants to have a quick go but dd starts going on about wanting it back then is out of the swing and chasing this boy for her scooter. The mum comes over and tells me she is trying to stop him taking other kids things but he isn't two yet and doesn't understand. By this time dd and is getting hysterical over the scooter so I ask for it back and get the whole "oh he isn't 2 yet he doesn't understand, he just wants to play" but we get it back. Dd scoots for a bit then goes on the slide at which point boy is straight over and back on the scooter, Dd is then off of the slide and wants it back Im seriously losing my patience by now with everyone!

I take dd to one side and tell her she needs to share blah blah blah but all she wants is her scooter left by the fence where she parked it! Other Mum is just laughing and telling her kid that he is upsetting the little girl and to hurry up because she doesn't want to share. Dd full on crying now so I tell her we are going home because she is being mean and isn't sharing, I ask for the scooter back and the Mum says "oh just a few more minutes and he will be done" but I'm fucked off now so I tell her no I want it back now because we are going. She begrudgingly gives it back her kid starts screeching and then she walks off muttering about kids need to be taught how to share!

My dd got told off and we all went home after just 15 mins in the park but I've just told dh and he said that dd didn't do anything wrong. He said that it was her scooter the other kid should have been made to leave it alone and I've told dd off for nothing I must admit I was thinking I wish the other Mum had just got her kid to leave the damn scooter and we could have all had a decent one in the park but then dd should share.

I'm not sure who was in the wrong and I need to know because I'm sure it's going to happen again, it's my local park and the Mum said she is there every day!!

... but why does she need to share? It's not her friend. It's her stuff.

It doesn't teach any lesson for the future. When do we (as adults) share precious stuff with strangers who just pick it up? Without even asking? The kid should have asked. Or his mum. Politely, to the daughter and accepting a no for an answer. How can we tell kids that they have to look after their things and at the same time tell them they have to allow strangers to snatch them off them? Being little is not an excuse for allowing it, it's a reason for it to happen but not for consenting it. I don't allow my 1.5 yo to snatch from my 4yo (or the opposite!) And even though he protests, he has started to give it back when we say so.

There's sharing and then there's taking.

I'm baffled there are adults who apparently don't understand the difference. I'm not so baffled there are parents who think the rules don't apply to their special snowflake. They usually introduce themselves with the words "s/he's only...". Twats.

I do what you did - encourage my children to share their things with other children at parks and while in the pool on holidays - but that said I've never encountered such a person as that mum! The parents are usually grateful and give the toys back when done. But there were circumstances where I could tell there were children around who weren't being respectful to other children's things - so in these instances I either kept my child's toy/scooter next to me or said to my child if they didn't want to share their toy it was best they play with it. One thing you could do next time you see this boy in the park is either keep the scooter with you or if your son is playing football leave it near him. I'm always happy to encourage sharing - but if a child/mother is not going to respect you or your things there is also a lesson for your daughter that you are allowed in life to set boundaries to avoid unnecessary conflict.

Sounds to me like you handled that situation perfectly OP.

You shouldn't be forced into a position where you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't....not when the the other mum could have easily done the basic courtesy of ASKING you if her ds could play on it.....or your dd seeing as it was her toy. Can't hold her toddler responsible for failure in manners and behaviour when he's taking his cue from her.

Taking without asking is just entitled behaviour on the other mums part - and i feel sorry for her kid who's being taught that kind if behavior is ok.

Your dh should be supporting you - two wrongs don't make a right.... the other party should have asked but at the same time your dd needs to learn to share - especially if she isn't playing with the toy.
i don't know why your dh thinks it's ok for your dd to behave in a selfish manner when there's no need to.

I think sharing is fine with a communal item. It is not ok when it your belonging.

Do you share your iPhone with any passing person?

Personally I never let anyone use our bikes or scooters. Often saying sorry xxx is very precious about her scooter. Or no you need a helmet.

Stand your ground next time.

It was your DD's scooter and this was a stranger trying to take her stuff (from her point of view). Instead of going into the sharing is caring duty mode you should have appealed to her generosity and kindness but respect her veto.

The other mum has a peculiar moral perspective if she thinks it's ok to take without asking, and not OK to be called out on this.

Basically, she's lazy and can't be bothered to tell her kid no. Therefore everyone else needs to accommodate her child.

It's awkward when faced with a scenario like this for the first time. If you, yourself, have been brought up to be 'nice' then the first time it happens you can get wrongfooted. But only the first time. I find a cheerful brusqueness works well in situations like this.

As it wasn't a toddler group situation where kids are expected to share, and learn to share, the other mother was out of line!
Despite the kids young age he needs boundaries & expecting to ride your kids scooter because it's there crosses those boundaries!
In that situation I may have said please tell your child to leave dd scooter alone, it's upsetting her.

My boy (14 months) is an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE to keep away from unattended scooters in the park, so I've got a bit of sympathy for the other mum. Sometimes you just want to be able to let your child play, you know?

In that case you have to teach him not to do it, and if he isn't listening you put him in the buggy and go home.

It is hardly any wonder there is such an increased sense of entitlement amongst children when people like the OP's situation facilitate their every want and then are PA about it.

If your child is absolutely mad for scooters, you need to get him one of his own.

A 14 month old isn't particularly able to understand that something in plain sight belongs to someone else ( even if they're not on it at the moment), so he needs his own things

My dd is 2 and sometimes she sees a scooter in a park. I tell her to leave it because its someone elses. That is the end of it. I have always said that even when she was younger so now she accepts it and moves on.

Sharing is when someone comes round to play or if you take the kid to a playgroup where there are toys. Its the other mum's fault.

If he's barely 2 he isn't gonna ask is he

No but that's why the parent needs to step in and either ask on his behalf or distract him with something else, not encourage and enable the behaviour.

Op's dd was not being brattish at all it's her scooter, it's perfectly understandable that she doesn't want a complete stranger helping themselves to it. For all she knew the boy was taking it and not going to give it back.

The other Mum was BU, she shouldn't expect strangers to let her child use their toys, it would never cross my mind. It was up to her to tell her child that the scooter is not his and he can not take it, your daughter is under no obligation to share with random kids that fancy a go on her stuff. As an adult if you park your bicycle you wouldn't be ok with someone riding off on it because they fancied a go. Having said that I probably would have dealt with the situation the same way as you as I don't enjoy confrontation either and would have felt uncomfortable. Next time hold on to the scooter while your dd is on the slide then it's not up for grabs by mini hooligans!!

I agree, kids should be taught to share but they should also be taught that they shouldn't take someone else's things without asking first! As for he's too young to understand - she should then be explaining, in an age appropriate way, that he can't just take another child's toy without asking first.

As for the mother saying "just give him another few minutes" when your child was obviously upset, well that would have made me furious! Your child wouldn't be in that state if not for her child's actions! Yes, learning to share is important, but this was not a situation where that should be enforced. Your gut was right but you were in a pressured situation. No idea why the other mother thought she was in the right!

Ok he does it once, but then she should have kept her eye out and if she saw it about to happen again she should have redirected him, not just allowed him to do whatever he wanted! Yes he may be young but it's never to early to start learning right from wrong!

Also, if her child loves scooters so much she should buy him one of his own!!!

Children should be taught to share...
Do you mean with everyone incl strangers?
Do you mean whatever the situation, e.g. if they are playing with it, it's something special to them (scooter is a b'day present they've just received) etc?

Yes children need to learn to share but not in those circumstances. Who is saying that that child (and parent) isn't going to go away with it, break or damage it (it was an accident!!) keep it forever and refuse to 'share' hand it back to the rightful owner.
Learning to share start with friends, children coming for play dates, family members when you are sharing YOUR things. Playgroups etc when you are sharing stuff from there (or maybe that's more like taking turns).
Not in the park with people you've never seen before.

I think you did the right thing and I'd have taken it back sooner - the other mum had a flipping cheek - I would never have let my ds's 'grab' anyones stuff and if they had, I'd have taken it straight off them - what is she teaching her child, that they can take what they want when it doesn't belong to them - not good

Ugh! When mine were toddlers I'd spend SO much time explaining that people do not HAVE to share THEIR things!

Is it possible to use a bike lock with the scooter? Chain it to the fence!

The littler one might not yet understand that he can't just take other people's stuff, but it sounds like he's not going to be taught this :(

Hmm. On the fence here.

I wpuld always tell another mum that their toddler cpuld play on an unattended scooter. It's a very common situation and I've been in both sides. It's stressful when uou have a toddler who is so distracted by scooters etc that they won't play on anything else. ..

Actually your daughter didn't really want yo play on the scooter ..I wpuld absolutely have started off by telling my own child to share.

However if she got upset I'd hope rhe other parent wpuld back off !

Surely a 3 year old can cope with a baby having a little turn on their toy? Some serious over reaction here about the girl being asked to share a toy for a few minutes.

Waterat the OP's child is 2.8. And why should she cope with it? It's hers. She brought it to play with...when she wants it.

How would you feel if another adult took your phone every time you put it down? Or had a little carry of your handbag?

No difference.

Waterrat, the girl was never asked, the toy was snatched without asking for permission. For all she knew, this kid was stealing her scooter.

I do not see any reason to share expensive or precious stuff with strangers, in any case. Why, really, why does she have to learn to share in a situation when you wouldn't as an adult? You educate kids for life and teach them lessons that will be useful I'm society. Teaching her to not complain if a random kid runs away with something of hers is unreasonable and it can be detrimental towards the future, when kids might bully her into giving them her things because it's about sharing. I'm sure if it were her phone, her watch, tje kid snatching her lunch because it's still on the bag or something expensive this thread would be different. This other mum was lucky it wasn't me, I would have told her to start teaching her kid not to steal. Beside, what if the kid had had an accident? At 14mo they cannot ride scooters. Whose responsibility would it be? What if she claims you allowed her kid to play and she didn't know how dangerous it was because she hasn't got one? If he likes it so much, she should buy one for her son. My mum forced me to share my new skates on the first day I got them after years asking for some. I was really annoyed as the kid scratched the white shiny surface within minutes. Sure, it would have scratched anyway but the fact that it was this other kid made me really sad at the time because i had asked for those to Santa for ages! I stopped taking them outside because I didn't want to share them. Obviously, they were not made for indoors, so when all of a sudden were too small to wear and I had only used them a handful of times, my mum said that I probably didn't want them that much! Honestly, it stuck with me. I loved those skates, I didn't use them because I was being forced to share and I didn't want them damaged. Had someone actually asked me and respected my negative, I'd have used them in every occasion! Don't force your kids to do things they don't want, especially if it is of no value for the future. Somebody said above there's time for sharing and this wasn't the case, who I strongly agree with!

No I don't think it should include strangers taking your toys in the park ANewStart. I firmly believe in this situation the child taking the scooter without asking and his mother were in the wrong. Kids do need to learn to share/take turns but this is not one of those situations where it is appropriate.

If this is seriously an issue for you then it's a bit of a worry. Firstly, there's no right or wrong way to deal with it at all.
In my opinion...if I were you I would have encouraged my daughter to share her scooter, pointing out that the other child was learning about sharing and so it might be nice to show she can. If she carried on getting seriously upset then I would simply carry the scooter with me. If the other mother asked I would point out my daughter was also learning to share and I might check again with her if she wanted to let the boy have a turn.
If I was the other mother I would have modelled asking for a turn and then if the answer was yes it would be one turn then modelling thank you and returning it and if the answer is no I would say that's okay, it is after all HER scooter.
Lots of people would disagree. Some would make her share, some would refuse him a turn, some would be in the middle.
Have a coffee and forget it :)

MrsHorsfall "A worry" it's not a worry! OP was asking for advice. What's worrysome about that!?