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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum in the park

265 replies

Wilberforce2 · 27/10/2016 16:25

Who was being unreasonable..

Just took my dd (2.8), ds and his friend to the park. Dd wanted to scoot which was fine and I took her into the play park while the boys played at the goals with a football.

All was ok we parked the scooter and she was on the swings but then a little boy came over and took the scooter, I'm fine with that if he wants to have a quick go but dd starts going on about wanting it back then is out of the swing and chasing this boy for her scooter. The mum comes over and tells me she is trying to stop him taking other kids things but he isn't two yet and doesn't understand. By this time dd and is getting hysterical over the scooter so I ask for it back and get the whole "oh he isn't 2 yet he doesn't understand, he just wants to play" but we get it back. Dd scoots for a bit then goes on the slide at which point boy is straight over and back on the scooter, Dd is then off of the slide and wants it back Confused Im seriously losing my patience by now with everyone!

I take dd to one side and tell her she needs to share blah blah blah but all she wants is her scooter left by the fence where she parked it! Other Mum is just laughing and telling her kid that he is upsetting the little girl and to hurry up because she doesn't want to share. Dd full on crying now so I tell her we are going home because she is being mean and isn't sharing, I ask for the scooter back and the Mum says "oh just a few more minutes and he will be done" but I'm fucked off now so I tell her no I want it back now because we are going. She begrudgingly gives it back her kid starts screeching and then she walks off muttering about kids need to be taught how to share!

My dd got told off and we all went home after just 15 mins in the park but I've just told dh and he said that dd didn't do anything wrong. He said that it was her scooter the other kid should have been made to leave it alone and I've told dd off for nothing Hmm I must admit I was thinking I wish the other Mum had just got her kid to leave the damn scooter and we could have all had a decent one in the park but then dd should share.

I'm not sure who was in the wrong and I need to know because I'm sure it's going to happen again, it's my local park and the Mum said she is there every day!!

OP posts:
fleurdelacourt · 27/10/2016 17:04

I once saw a comedy routine on this - the comic pointed out that as an adult if some random person came over and wanted to borrow any of your stuff, you would say no.

Sharing with random strangers is not a life skill. If the other kid wants to play on a scooter they need to bring their own one with them.

If one of her friends wants a turn then encouraging her to allow that is ok - but she's still very little and a tantrum is quite within her rights!

NoNutsPlease · 27/10/2016 17:04

Don't worry OP, you'll be ready for it next time!

yummumto3girls · 27/10/2016 17:04

I'm with your husband, you don't just let your child take someone's else stuff. If she had asked then maybe but she was incredibly rude and entitled and in for a rough time ahead if that is how she chooses to raise her child!

Soubriquet · 27/10/2016 17:06

I would have took the scooter straight back and held it tbh

Like a pp said, there's sharing and there's this.

What that boy did is the equivalent of a mother coming to you and taking your car keys for a quick go in your car

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 27/10/2016 17:08

What you do is physically hold the scooter when DD is not on it. I still do this now, and DD is 5. They aren't heavy.

Sharing nicely applies to the toys already at the park - slides, swings etc. - and obviously to DD's own toys if she had a friend round to play etc. etc. It doesn't apply to let all and sundry pinch your scooter.

The little boy's mum should have told him that it was "the little girl's scooter" and removed him from it. You, however, should not have left it unattended next to a fence a second time!

witsender · 27/10/2016 17:10

Husband was right.

HeyOverHere · 27/10/2016 17:10

YABU when it comes to how you dealt with your daughter.

By letting a strange boy just take her scooter to play (seriously, why didn't you stop him at the get-go?), and then telling her she must "share" with someone she's never met, you're teaching her that her rights of ownership are unimportant, and you're teaching that boy that what he did was okay. You're setting her up to just surrender her belongings and money (and maybe more) later in life, all in the interest of being "sharing" and being a nice person, and you're helping set him up to be an overly entitled child/teenager/adult.

How dare you tell your child that she's being mean because she doesn't want a stranger to have more control over her personal belongings than she does? If it was a friend she was playing with, that'd be another thing, but these were strangers. How dare you shame her for objecting to having them take off with her belongings? How would you feel if he'd picked up your phone and made off with it?!

A proper lesson in sharing would be, "He wants to swing, and you've been on twenty minutes, why don't you share and let him have some time?" Or to tell the boy, "You have to ask us first, and then my daughter can decide if she wants to share," and sticking with what your daughter wants to do. A proper lesson in sharing is not, "Surrender your belongings to strangers or I'll punish you."

YABVU.

FlyingElbows · 27/10/2016 17:11

It is difficult for the littlies to understand but that's exactly why we teach them. Other mother was wrong.

Sparklywine · 27/10/2016 17:12

You sound lovely, don't worry about it, your dd won't hold it against you! Second locking the scooter up or carrying it with you as it seems you are likely to bump into the boy again and you need to remove any potential for this to happen again so that you can enjoy your park visit. I do think the other mum was rude, I would be mortified if my ds at aged two had jumped onto someone else's scooter and would have made him get off, and I'd have apologised to you. I was like you, a bit afraid to confront or appear rude, but park-parenting is stressful enough, you can do it without looking like an arse. My face is very scowly so that helps! Have fun tomorrow.

LookMoreCloselier · 27/10/2016 17:13

Park mum WBU, I would never let my DCs use someone else's bike/scooter in those circumstances and if they kicked off they would be removed from the park.

Lollipopgirls · 27/10/2016 17:14

midcentury THIS!!! "All because they had been conditioned to be polite to randomers who make demands on them."

I think we should all (as parents) cut this out and stick it where we can see it. It's SO important. We are conditioned to "be nice", "share", "say yes".... You are so right here. Your own DCs come first, not some over-entitled random parent. It only teaches our DCs that their feelings are not as important as a complete strangers' wants, especially if they are a bit forceful about it.

Sharing is important but so is being able to firmly draw boundaries with strangers. Perhaps even more so. We can teach sharing when they are with their friends.

deblet · 27/10/2016 17:15

You should have held the scooter and no he should not have played on it. The other mother is letting her son take other people's things which is not right. If he had come over and asked to play on it you and your dd could have been nice and shared but if you parked your car and someone careered around in it just a while would you be happy? Your dh was correct.

middlings · 27/10/2016 17:16

None of us get it right all the time OP. Your gut was right - she was BVU. Your DD wasn't being asked to share, she was being asked to put up with someone taking her stuff without asking. Not ok.

As you say, you need to be more assertive. Kill them kindness, smile and sweetly say, please leave that where it is. It's not a communal toy.

ratspeaker · 27/10/2016 17:16

From now on tell your DD to leave her scooter with you when she goes on the swings or slide.
She doesn't have to share her possessions with random strangers. Siblings, friends maybe but not someone she doen't know. Its not a communal toy.
The other mum should have been telling her son he can't just lift other kids toys.

Sparklywine · 27/10/2016 17:16

Blimey, just read Heys post. I suppose it's an example of, erm, assertiveness which you may find helpful if you're not stunned by the tone.

Fewerofwhomithinkwell · 27/10/2016 17:20

YANBU
This happened to me last year. A boy took DDs pushchair whilst she was on the swing. I didn't say anything at first, but when DD wanted it back and said so I expected mum to hand it over. Instead she said something about him 'not liking to share' and left him with it. DD asked for it again in her earshot and it wasn't forthcoming. As mum (half arsedly) tried to get him to give it back I said 'I'll have that back now thanks' and took it off him. Cue wailing. My DH said perhaps I shouldn't have taken it out of his hands, but I felt mum wasn't going to do it and what sort of example was I setting to my D? My conscience was clear.

raviolidreaming · 27/10/2016 17:21

Blimey, just read Heys post

I agree with Hey entirely.

Fewerofwhomithinkwell · 27/10/2016 17:23

I also agree with Hey. That's the point I want to make to my DDs. It's not sharing when a random kid takes your stuff and his namby pamby parents can't deal with it.

Enidblyton1 · 27/10/2016 17:24

The other mother didn't (or chose not to!) notice how much her sons behaviour was disrupting your DDs enjoyment of the park. She should have been more aware and tried to distract her son with the play equipment. (Although not always easy when young children get fixated with something!)
The only answer in parks is to prevent the situation from happening by holding scooters/bikes etc while your child plays. Then no other child will be able to pick them up.

Ilovenannyplum · 27/10/2016 17:27

Agree with everyone else, in those circumstances, your DD didn't have to share.
You didn't know the child and him being not 2 yet doesn't mean he can just have what he wants.
His mum should have distracted him to take his mind of the scooter not pandered to him and made you feel bad

Iamthecatsmother · 27/10/2016 17:29

My DS has ASD. He's 12 now but if some kid had wanted a go on his scooter at aged 2, he would have had a full blown meltdown. The other kid simply can't have everything his own way, YANBU at all.

DeleteOrDecay · 27/10/2016 17:31

I agree with your husband your dd did nothing wrong and I personally wouldn't have felt comfortable with a boy we didn't know taking her scooter as if it was his own.

The other mum should have taken steps to stop him taking the scooter imo. I know I would have in that situation. Sounds like she's one of those mums who does what ever she can not to upset her little cherub.

DanicaJones · 27/10/2016 17:31

Hopefully he will get a scooter soon and your dd can help herself to it. Wink

HappyAxolotl · 27/10/2016 17:32

The owner of the item gets to decide if they share it, with whom and for how long!

Communal stuff, yes everyone should get a fair share.

It stumps me. As adults we'd be pretty miffed if someone else took something we were using out of our hands, or took it without asking, or damaged it. But if this happens to a child, they "have to learn to share"?

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/10/2016 17:33

She was out of order big time.

Letting her kid take any stationary objects he feels like without asking just because someone dares step away from the heir stuff for a second... not on

They aren't communal fir heavens sake. So even of these things are expensive. I don't want my kids micro scooter broken cos I doubt they would cough up the money to replace of their kid broke it..

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