To ask if you are as socially awkward as me...

[WankingMonkey]

And for some stories?

A couple of days back I just met my cousins partner for the first time. All is going well and she says she likes my top and asks where I got it. My answer?

'Oh I have had it on for two days as I am such a scruff round the house'

She just kind of looked weirdly at me and went 'riiiiight' and walked out of the room .

Seriously wtf inspires me to say shit like that? Its not the first time and probably won't be the last either. So socially awkward. I expect I am not alone, whats your worst?

I've also done the 'Happy Birthday' 'Happy birthday to you too'. At which point the person actually took the time to tell me i wasn't supposed to return the well-wishing. Maybe they thought I didn't understand.

I hate opening conversations, even with people I know really well. Once the conversation is going I'm fine but up until that point I don't really think about what I'm saying, it's all just 'Yes, fine, you' 'I'm fine' 'Nice weather' 'Yes I'm fine, you?' and various awkward, tumbleweed gaps in the conversation.

So I tend to start conversations by cutting out the small talk part and getting straight to a point. I sound really abrupt but it saves a lot of time and much less awkwardness.

Singing along to "happy birthday" to my partners relative , but forgetting his name at the important bit

My boss (very senior, MD of the company): I like your dress. My wife has the same one but a different colour.

Me: Yes, it's from a cheap shop.

I was trying to say...it's from a big high-street shop, so not surprising that someone else has the same one, and great minds think alike, she has good taste, etc, etc...

My uncle was getting married to his second wife. My mum had confided in me before the wedding that my uncle had been 'reluctant' to get married again but had been persuaded. After the ceremony I went up to him and his new wife, patted him on the back and said "made it through alive then?!"..in front of his new wife and later discovered also in front of the videographer so it's been captured for all of eternity and shared with the entire wedding party. A simple 'congratulations' would have been more appropriate

Properly howled at shouting Trick or Treat at the bewildered trick-or-treaters.
Brilliant thread.

OMG Sexy times!

I did something similar though - nurse apologised as she only had the larger speculums which she would normally not use on someone as young as I was then.

"Not to worry, I've had bigger up there!" was my cheerful response

I then had the luxury of lying there for ten minutes staring at the ceiling while she tried not to kill herself laughing.

Sexy times

I had a meeting with an important client in early January, having spent Christmas in sunny climes.

As a greeting this chap commented on my tan and asked if I had been skiing. To my shame I replied 'no it's an all over tan!'

I could have died, the sniggering around the board table was so embarrassing :-(

A guy used to work in my local shop.. used to chat to him a lot when I was growing up and in buying sweets. He always thought my name was Amy (it's not and I never corrected him). Fast forward several years and I bump into him with his daughter who was about 3. He told me that he named her Amy, after me. That's when I decided it was the right time to correct him on my name and I blurted it out

standing next to my boss and he had farted, he went bright red (he obviously thought it would be silent) before my brain could engage properly, I roar loudly oops thunder bum. (which is what I say to my 2 yo ds and he cracks up) manager was mortified, as was I and I feebly said sorry and tried to explain, he just walked off mid way through. He still doesn't talk to me.

Making small-talk with one of the mums at my DS's birthday party - he'd only just started reception and we were new to the area, so I didn't know her, and I was terribly flustered anyway because it was our first proper party.

Her: "This building used to be an infants' school, you know? I came to it."
Me: "Wow - that must have been a really long time ago!"

They're in Year 5 now and she still blanks me in the playground....

When I was a 22 year old PhD student, I got referred to hospital because I was having stomach pains. Saw a ridiculously good-looking doctor, who told me I needed a colonoscopy. In utter dismay, I actually said

"Are you going to be the one stuffing your hose in me".

It was like a moment of dissociation, where I heard these words come out of my mouth and simultaneously realised what I had said but couldn't stop. I then went bright red, which just made the whole thing one million times more awkward.

Love this thread! So glad I'm not alone in this!

Not very funny my first one, but I think it shows that we have some sort of logic when we do this.

I was 16, starting a weekend job at local garden centre.

Manager came over to take me on a tour, introduced himself by his first name.

My response? "Thanks".

Why? He gave me such a confused look.

BUT, I was kind of thanking him for allowing me to call him by his FIRST name. I really was! I was young a naive and I was expecting to call him mr something.

Ok, it's lame and not always the case, but it worked in my brain. Right up to the point that I said it, at which time it became real and obvious that it was NOT the correct response.

I also mix up 'thank yous' and 'goodbyes' in person and on the phone. It comes out as 'thanks you' or 'thanks a much' or 'see you again' when I clearly won't.

I went to see a house once that as soon as I walked in knew I would not buy. On the way out, 'see you soon!' I must have given off 'will not be buying' vibes as the owner gave me a bemused 'OK ' on the way out.

Loving all of these.... I want to be friends with you all 😂.

I think of myself as totally socially inept and quote often make a twat out of myself.

When someone bumps into me in public, I find myself apologising to them?!

*quite

Thank you for this thread.

I am like this, all the time. Bumbling along, cringing at things I say.

Sometimes I am stressed/in awkward situation and I forgive myself or occasionally (I imagine) it happens to everyone, but me it is every day! Something along the lines of -

Normal person: How are you?
Me: Fine thanks, you know, not too bad, just a bit unwell with the usual . . . usual colds, you know at this time of year . . .
Normal person: Yeees
Me: probably my job, speaking to people you catch all sorts, well . . .

. . . voice trails off before I say anything else. Then stand there thinking "you catch all sorts!" who says that!!! "why didn't I ask how she was?!!" how rude!!!

I practice set answers at home but people don't ask set questions/I forget the answers/ start talking

I always say goodnight instead of goodbye when speaking to someone in real life. It doesn't matter what time of the day it is, they will always get a "goodnight" from me ... a habit I can't seem to get out of :(

OP - To me what you said was pretty normal sounding, and how your cousin's partner responded was just plain rude. If you'd said it to me I'd have instantly relaxed, knowing that you were a down-to-earth as I am.

I do think your User Name is a bit socially awkward though .

I shared this the other week but it bears repeating

I work in a building full of men. Two of them, our MD and the man I work most closely with, share a name. We'll call them Dave.

Recently there has been a lot of drama and stress when my jobshare walked out leaving me to cover his days with zero notice. He also opened an account with a supplier and told me nothing about it. I was trying to get my head round it while also get on top of my jobshare's work before training his replacement and going on a week's holiday.

One day a piece of paperwork came up that was wrong. I went down to the person who's name was on it

Dave put it through, just used my computer.

So I went up and I found the Dave I work closely with, talking to my line manager and the HR manager. Asked about the paperwork

Dave put it through, not me.

Which Dave?

Dying at Whatever Trevor. :o

Omg, laughing so hard at sexy times. Hahahaha

Gad to stop reading this in the barbers as I was crying with laughter. It's hilarious!

I have done lots of this but can't remember any now. They may come to me soon.

'Just AIDS to go' and 'Whatever Trevor!' have got me doing that ridiculous laugh snort that you try to cover with a cough!

I can't think of a funny story right now for me but my DH is as bad as I am and the other day our postman, who also happens to be our neighbour, passed us in town and said 'Hi CalmDown!' to my DH... . I have a unisex name and get a lot of parcels so instead of correcting the postie the first time and saying that he's not called CalmDown but will sign for me, he just went with it... and 5 years later he's in too deep! No idea what he thinks I'm called!!!

The one-and-only time I was on national TV, a live interview...

Announcer: "We are talking with CanadianJohn, who has just been granted funding for the XYZ project. CanadianJohn, how do you feel?"

Me: "What?"

The interview is probably in their archives somewhere.

Pink

I said something similar to a gynaecologist, but it was

"Not exactly sexy funtimes, is it?"

You are not alone.