To ask if you are as socially awkward as me...

[WankingMonkey]

And for some stories?

A couple of days back I just met my cousins partner for the first time. All is going well and she says she likes my top and asks where I got it. My answer?

'Oh I have had it on for two days as I am such a scruff round the house'

She just kind of looked weirdly at me and went 'riiiiight' and walked out of the room .

Seriously wtf inspires me to say shit like that? Its not the first time and probably won't be the last either. So socially awkward. I expect I am not alone, whats your worst?

My hairdresser had to dash off to her grandmothers funeral after doing a cut. She was very down and upset rightfully.

What did I say before she left?

'Have fun!'

I hate myself.

On a night shift at the hospital I work at, sat with one of the doctors I had a proper crush on. He told me he liked my shoes (bright pink crocs) and I said "thanks! I bought them myself! I like wearing shoes!" He just sort of laughed and went back to writing. I blame the lack of sleep.

This is my life!

Now which anecdotes to tell...

A woman introduced herself to me, I didn't hear properly so said "sorry?", she repeated it, I repeated it and then I said "sorry", as if I was commiserating her awful name, which wasn't awful at all. Awkward.

At graduation, after standing up and taking most of the row of chairs with me, I went to shake the chancellor's hand but I said thank you before he congratulated me, so he looked confused, said congratulations, and then I thanked him again. Slightly red faced I turned round and promptly slipped on the carpet. I imagine he wondered how I managed to get a degree.

I told my boss I was reading a john le carre novel. He said he'd enjoyed it. I said "oh yes, I like a bit of torture". Cue embarrassed looks and a quick walk sprint out of his office

He pulled his chair over, and put his hands on my neck, saying, sorry my hands are cold. I looked him dead in the eye and did, that's ok, I really like it.

Noooo!!

Luckily I share my social awkwardness with the majority of my in-laws so it's rarely a problem however one day the whole of DH's side of the family is at his brother's house. SIL has cooked a lovely dinner for us.

MIL: This is nice SIL - I like a bit of gravy I do.
SIL: Oh it's just Bisto.
MIL: Priestess makes gravy from scratch don't you Priestess
Me nervously: Oh no I use Bisto too when I'm feeling lazy.
SIL glares

My neighbour just complimented my skirt. Instead of just saying thanks or something I went into a huge rant about how everything I own makes my arse look big and how I got this skirt 5 years ago and even how my daughter puked on it as a baby and it devastated me, but its ok, it all came out good in the wash

Why is it so hard to just take a bloody compliment

My exes dad is called Trevor. First time I was introduced to him he was lovely to me. So why did I keep saying "Whatever Trevor!"? Every time he spoke? Him and ex were exchanging looks.

"Whatever Trevor!"

I'm crying

Lol at some of these esp the 'AIDS' one cos it's the sort of thing I'd say.
I wouldn't say I was socially awkward, but I slip up when I get nervous like in job interviews. At the end of one particularly tough one I went to shake hands with the interviewer and instead of saying bye, I said hello!! Obv didn't get the job.
I thought it was Nials too.

Oh god I'm glad it's not only me..my life is one long cringe!

I asked DS's (male) teacher "Do you want me?" In reference to whether he needed parent help in the classroom that morning. Clearly he didn't catch on to my faux pas so why, why, did I make it worse by saying "I don't mean want me, want me, I just meant do you want me to come in and help with reading?"

I love this thread! The upstairs neighbour at my old flat was called Jude. Whenever I saw her I couldn't ever say "hello' or "hi" - every bloody time it was "hey Jude". We moved a few years ago and unsurprisingly she ignores me if we pass on the street

Drinkingtea Sheldon perhaps?

I'm going to have to come back and read this later. I am crying with laughter and doing my mutley impression.

We had just moved to this house, I was saying "hi" to the neighbour over the fence. He told me he had just taken early retirement.

"Good for you," I said cheerfully, "how much is your pension?"

I regularly go into full foot in mouth mode and say things that seem to come from nowhere

Introduced to a gay bloke at work (he started talking about it - it wasn't obvious!) and I managed to use the phrases 'that sound like a pain in the arse' and 'that's a bummer' within 5 minutes even though I don't normally use them. I'm sure he thought I was doing it on purpose.

Worked at a client in Amsterdam with the same IT Manager on and off for years. When he told me he was going in holiday to Scotland, I cheerfully advised him 'count your fingers after shaking hands with a Scot ha ha '. At this point, he held up his hand which I now - finally after 5 years of working closely with him - notice only has 2 fingers on it and he says 'it's OK, I've been before ...'

I wish I knew all of you in real life, every one I meet seems so socially slick

I went to the dentist just after I'd had my first baby and she said "how is yr baby?" I went in to effusive detail about how delightful he was, every smile and cuddle. There was a pause before she repeated uncomfortably "and HOW OLD is your baby?". She just wanted to update her records, you see

The one I always cringe about remembering is when I kissed the family friend of a relative of my husband goodbye. I am not someone who normally kisses people hello and goodbye, didn't kiss the two actual relatives I said goodbye to first, but landed him one. He looked surprised but pleased I burst spontaneously into embarrassed giggles whenever I think of the inappropriateness of it.

My problem is saying something idiotic ambiguous then not realising what I have just said until a minute later, just long enough for it to feel too awkward to explain what I meant, or that I'd have to run after them to do so.

Or it's just too hard to explain. For example, when my own children are ridiculously annoyed with me for doing something they don't like, I often refer to myself as "evil/silly/cruel mum", which they know is a joke, as what I want is perfectly reasonable even though their reaction would imply I was being evil/silly/cruel.

Unfortunately when I saw an acquaintance's child overreacting and said "Silly mum!" she didn't get the sarcasm (duh, why on earth would she? ) - took me slightly too long to realise and even then could not think of how to explain it so just sat there making a mental note of why she had good reason to hate me from now on.

I am so glad I'm not alone....this is the kind of thing I do on a daily basis.

I think the time that stands out to me the most is when I was about 19. I was interviewing for a job I REALLY wanted.

So we're in the interview, and they ask "what have you been doing for the past two years?".

Now. I could have answered the question.

Instead, I went with

"I've been on the run through Europe, being pursued by the authorities. It's been great."

What the HELL was I thinking??

Needless to say, I didn't get the job.

My elderly neighbour has been calling me Jodie (not my name) for 8 years now.
It's too awkward to correct her now so I go along with it and even sign her Christmas card with the name. I'm not sure why I didn't say straight away.

Had to stop reading these as have tears running down my face and the Ocado delivery is turning up!!

I can't even repeat some of the shit that I've said when nervous. It's like there is a part of me that wants people to think I'm an arsehole.

"No problem! I would high-five you, but I'm English and I don't know you".

I think that that is hilarious-wouldn't take it as a faux pas at all.

Some of these stories are hilarious. My 7 month old is currently laughing at me laughing at them.

I too suffer with this. I was once at a craft show helping my partner sell items he makes. It was extremely busy and someone needed me too find them an item from our stock under the shelves. So I promptly got down on my hands and knees to crawl over to said items while loudly telling the two ladies stood up in front of me not to worry that I was just between their legs!

Oh this is me all the time.

Although, when it is actually your life, it doesn't seem funny or endearing as the examples in this thread are, it just feels awkward and embarrassing.

I can't think of any good examples off the top of my head, but a common one for me is when someone says 'pleased to meet you' or 'nice meeting you' and instead of saying 'you too' I come out with 'thank you'.