To ask if you are as socially awkward as me...

[WankingMonkey]

And for some stories?

A couple of days back I just met my cousins partner for the first time. All is going well and she says she likes my top and asks where I got it. My answer?

'Oh I have had it on for two days as I am such a scruff round the house'

She just kind of looked weirdly at me and went 'riiiiight' and walked out of the room .

Seriously wtf inspires me to say shit like that? Its not the first time and probably won't be the last either. So socially awkward. I expect I am not alone, whats your worst?

I am actually crying with laughter! Dd just gave me a funny look and went and got me a tissue!

Omg I've just remembered one that I did and actually had a sleepless night afterwards worrying that I'd upset the vicar.

At church the other week the minister was telling a story about how she had gone to a leper colony a few years ago and how they were all treated as outcasts and shunned by everyone because of it.
Then I decided to tell the really funny leper joke that I know, the one where 3 lepers are playing cards, one throws his hand in, the other one laughs his head off and then the other one cries his eyes out.
I could see my friend across the room slowly shake her head at me but it was too late I was convinced this was the funniest thing ever!

Bumped into (very shaggable)colleague in work corridor on crutches, asked him what happened, he started some long story about hip damaged from running, I interrupted him loudly saying 'you'll never run again oh no bugger it' whilst walking away. I mean wtf, couldn't bear to turn round to look at his reaction 🤔

These are all so funny I'm crying too! I've probs got some just as bad but I'll share one of DH's instead: he's a cabbie, was taking a pregnant lady and her husband to hospital she was having contractions, Dh getting worried and trying to make small talk says "do you know who's it is?" He meant to say "what it is!!" Don't think they were very impressed
he's had someone get out of car and accidentally say to him "bye, love you" (and then look mortified!) too like a pp has said so don't feel alone

For the PP who was pleased about having pockets in her dress there is a meme about it,

And them there was the time I was invited out for an afterwork drink by new job senior colleage and I didn't have any make-up (slap) on me.

Me : Oh I haven't got any smack on me - do you have any smack I can borrow?

Way to go to impress employers I'd been in the job less than a week with.

Disclaimer - I have never used/seen in use/touched class A drugs. Neither have I ever used anyone elses make-up.

Sitting down in Queen Street Station with my brother's old gf, some wee auld guy sits down next to us and gives us his life story, he was a boxer who fought this, that, and the next one, seemed as if he was he was one of "thae" ones who just latched on to everyone and anyone and made up any auld story to get an audience. As the brother's gf and I walked away to get our train I said something along the lines of "Any auld story, eh?' at which she informs me that was her uncle and he had been mentally disabled by his boxing injuries.

Oh I usually never really fit in with mumsnet posts but this is the first thread ever I feel I completely belong. There is too much to post- it would be a constant life story of social faux pas.

These are brilliant! Loving "he's not here" what did the MW say?

I've done the dress/pocket thing too. Complete with twirl. I love that dress, I live it has pockets so it needs to be shared.

I do this a lot but I can't think of any examples. I think I blank them out as I am so mortified.

I did try to be funny/witty once with one of DS's teachers, who I think is quite hot. DS is a very energetic child who is always on the go, this teacher takes DS for a couple of sports clubs. On seeing him in the corridor whilst waiting for DS one day, I decide to amaze him with my sparkling wit about how he needs to wear DS out more and say, rather aggressively "I've got a bone to pick with you" whilst he looks at me in mild, polite surprise. I had to quickly add that he doesn't wear DS out and he still has far too much energy whilst smiling to show I am joking. It came off quite badly. I try to avoid speaking to him these days.

If I get a compliment about my clothes etc, I always always tell them we here I bought it and how much it was. It was usually in a sale so I feel the need to fully brief them on said sale and what a cheapskate I am a bargain it was. They never ask for this information but I volunteer it anyway.

My GP needed to do an anal examination.

GP: (donning gloves) "Ok, I'm just going to insert my finger in your anus"
Me: "Whatever turns you on!"

I do the pockets thing and the telling-how-much-bought-in-the-sales too!

"Whatever turns you on" !!!!!

Oh.
My.
God.

I'm squirming 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

My friend introduced me to her Dad. His name was Harold. I don't think I've ever met a Harold before and was slightly flummoxed so naturally I did my best and loudest Steptoe and Son impersonation and more or less yelled AARROLLDD at him, complete with gurning.

At work with a relatively new bunch of colleagues. One, Daniel, I get on particularly well with, lots of joking, light-hearted teasing etc. but I don't know him very well.

One break we get talking about families. He has a daughter. Oh yes? What's her name? Danielle.

Cue me: yeah right, what's her real name?

Everyone else: what?

Me: well, only a complete fucking wanker, I mean a real self-absorbed tosspot, I mean a selfish twat, would call their daughter the female version of their own name.

You can probably guess the rest

I regularly drop clangers.

I can see my new work colleagues wondering if I'm the ticket

We stayed at my cousin's country house and she said her neighbour would be pottering about. when the kids and I met him I said; "Hello. My cousin told me to watch out for you!" in a way that implied he was dodgy.

To the male HT of our school. He mentioned in a genereal chat that he had been in teaching for about 30 yrs (he's early 50s). My reply:
"Well you're looking good on it!" In a flirty way. Cue awkward pause.

I'm always telling stories st work that I realise sound odd to others. Like making jokes about how my DH sleeps in the spare room during the week (neither of us are great sleepers) and how wonderful it is or when somebody told me of an older colleague's 4th pregnancy and I said jokingly "Roll on my menopause" (I'm 43) Before the rest of the office gushed how wonderful the news was.

I drop gaffs every day.....I ramble on and joke.

Strangely though my work requires me to manage issues and devise brief statements. I'm very economical with what I say to journos etc and completely opposite to RL!

These pists are do much funnier than mine (though I know I've dropped some on par with the leper story).

Daniel/Danielle? I'd be inclined to have also commented.

I once moaned to a new colleague about how I loathed a certain name as it was my step monster's name. I kept repeating the name amd bsnged on about how I didn't trust anybody with that name etc. Turns out coleague's recently deceased mother had the same name.

My sister is usually dead good at all this stuff, but she goofed with me one time. I rang her to tell her I was pg with DC1, two years into my relationship with DP. I feel the need to qualify this story with the fact I am a serial monogamist; DP is my fourth bf, and we are still together. I do not have 'form'.

She said, "Oh wow, congratulations!!! Do you know who the father is?"

Every time I see a Jehovah's witness I can't help but shout "Jehovha, He's not the messiah he's a very naughty boy' 😨 from Monty python x

I went for an interview at the local primary school. The head asked lots of questions and when he asked "have you ever been in trouble with the law"? I replied "not yet"! Laughing like I had got away with a hideous crime! He laughed nervously back and said he hadn't heard anyone say that before. I didn't get the job but they called me back a month later to offer me another job so hopefully it was finally seen as a joke.

Omg Raspberry your leper joke!

standing next to my boss and he had farted, he went bright red (he obviously thought it would be silent) before my brain could engage properly, I roar loudly oops thunder bum. (which is what I say to my 2 yo ds and he cracks up) manager was mortified, as was I and I feebly said sorry and tried to explain, he just walked off mid way through. He still doesn't talk to me.

that also made me laugh and laugh and laugh

This thread has been like a boxset of Miranda. Hugely entertaining.

I always put my foot in my mouth when talking to anyone!I really cease up when I'm on the phone to anyone!

Potty mouth always!

I have a colleague that's always complimenting my clothes but to the point that it's becoming a bit PA about how many clothes I must have/buy. To make a joke of it I basically told the office I am a hoarder. I could see the look of shock on her face that anyone would admit it.

To be fair, I do need to send a lot of old clothes to charity, but my house is clean and neatish lived in.

Going to totally out myself here if the people involved read it, but I was at a family gathering today and one family member says they want a miniature sausage dog.

"Ooh! My friend sent me pics of his! Let's me show you pics of his miniature sausage!" I exclaim.
"Oh Rhoda!" Says my DM. "That just sounds like you're going to show dickpics!"

Not sure which one of us was more awkward - me for saying something that was a double entendre or my DM for being the only one to jump to the rude meaning (as everyone else confirmed they hadn't)!

And the ones about ears/hearing. I was served in M&S a few months ago by a deaf girl. She was being trained and supervised closely.

I am hard of hearing and was not wearing my hearing aid, as well as having an infection in the eustachian tube in my deaf ear. Between the noise of the shop, the blocked ear and the cashiers deaf speech pattern I couldn't fully understand what she was saying and had to ask her to repeat herself a few times. I apologised to her and joked "This is what happens when I don't wear my hearing aid!" I did try and quantify that I am actually HOH and have a hearing aid, but it ended up just being too awkward and I rushed out red faced and with her and the supervisor looking on disbelievingly.

This thread is going to be my downfall, I've been wheezing with laughter for ages now.

The most recent one for me: a friend of mine was asked to dogsit for a few days, and because she doesn't have any experience of dogs and I grew up with them (these years at uni are the only time I haven't had at least one) I offered to help her out. We took the dog for a walk and he did his business. She crouched down and said in that high-pitched pet/small child appeasing voice, "who's a good boy then?!" to which I replied, in the surest, most serious voice I have ever produced in my life, "I am the good boy". Silence descended. First of all I'm a woman not a boy!! Second of all just whyyyyyyyyyy???? Even the dog was judging me.