To ask if you are as socially awkward as me...

[WankingMonkey]

And for some stories?

A couple of days back I just met my cousins partner for the first time. All is going well and she says she likes my top and asks where I got it. My answer?

'Oh I have had it on for two days as I am such a scruff round the house'

She just kind of looked weirdly at me and went 'riiiiight' and walked out of the room .

Seriously wtf inspires me to say shit like that? Its not the first time and probably won't be the last either. So socially awkward. I expect I am not alone, whats your worst?

And I know I shouldn't laugh but it bloody well tickled me

kung fu, poor Amy though, she wasn't to know it was a funeral wake!
Someone made a gaffe with me once - newbie at a yoga class, the teacher looked me up and down and said ' oh, will have to be careful with you, not taught a pregnant lady before ' - was not pregnant! lol. she couldn't give me eye contact after that and I just used to go to the back of the room! was told at a step class ( nobody does step anymore) that I had the worst co ordination the teacher had ever seen!! ( didn't go back to that one) to make a gaffe is just human, but sometimes it can still rankle years later!! lol

Omg I'm still dying over 'only aids to go!'

The most social awkward thing I hate is the how many kisses on the cheeks thing?!? One kiss, two kisses... It's a minefield! It doesn't help that in my culture we do three kisses...
The amount of times that I've gone in for the second kiss whilst the other person has gone off already... Cringe

Two that stick in my mind:
At an NCT class for pregnant mums, the class was about perineal massage. I was chatting to the other ladies before the class began, speculating on perineal massage, and I was maybe a bit desperate to make friends with some of the other ladies, before I knew what I was doing it blurted out 'do you think we'll have to practice it today'- my God, I was mortified, luckily most of the women roared with laughter

At uni, with a group of mates in a communal lounge. Other email of them has quite a noticeable, shall we say unique laugh. One evening, after a few drinks, I blurted out 'when Sarah laughs, it sounds like she's in labour'- unfortunately I said this in front of Sarah and everyone looked aghast. I think I really upset her and I hadn't meant to, I was just struggling to join in with the conversation.

Sorry for above typo- that should have read 'one of them' rather than 'other email'

Actually quite worried by how much of this thread just seems like normal every day life to me.

By far my most awkward moments however were straight after giving birth. I had an epesiotomy with dc1 and the young male doctor was stitching me up while dh and I cooed over pfb. Suddenly I became aware that there was a man's head between my legs and decided we were being frightfully rude in not including him in our conversation so started trying to make small talk. Honestly, the man did not want to chat. Dh did not want to chat. I gamely kept trying. He almost ran from the delivery room.

With dc2, I made sure to make a mental note that stitching was not a time for social niceties. Unfortunately the midwife who was stitching up my tear asked if I would like pain relief drugs. I found myself eagerly saying 'ooooh, yes! What have you got that's good?'. No idea why, I've never even been tempted by a cigarette ffs. Anyway, I was so mortified that I thought I could save the situation if I chatted and showed her I wasn't really like that. So, I asked how the stitching was going and started telling her about my various sewing projects and asked if she had considered taking up embroidery as I thought she might be good at it.

God this thread is amazing! I am awful at small talk anyway but my hearing isn't great so lots of misunderstandings / stilted conversations, plus I talk very fast so when I'm nervous I end up not saying the right words or not saying words properly, it all ends up very awkward.

A few months ago I was at a meal, me and two of my male friends had popped out between courses for a smoke. We were chatting about if we could manage dessert and one friend (who I have a probably not so secret crush on) said he didn't know if he could manage dessert. I said "you always eat my dessert" but the way I said it, it came out really lascivious and pervy. Long awkward silence as I felt my face get redder and redder then I just burst into nervous giggles and explained that it was because when we go out for a meal he often finishes my dessert but he just sort of looked at me. In a different crowd it would have been hilarious and the quote of the night but in that particular setting, it was just mortifying.

I love you lot

sexy times and growing the winter coat

I'm socially inept.... loads of times said stupid random stuff.

The worse thing and I'm cringing now and was more an action. A mum met at baby group found she was pregnant again...months went by and found the baby had dwarfism. Baby born and is beautiful. My choice of birthday gift....a blumin growth ruler/wooden height chart. It was lovely with wooden elephants etc....but why oh why oh why!!

God I hope she's not on here and recognises me if you are am so sorry!

Just remembered when I was 16...

Very good looking lad on ice cream van says: what can I get you?

Me: a 69er please

I had a fit of giggles while having an internal scan for my missed miscarriage. The sonographer looked very uncomfortable, especially as she then had to confirm to me that I had in fact lost the pregnancy.
At least dh looked suitably serious.

I asked my boss, in front of the whole office, if he fancied a shag. We were both smokers and I was attempting to suggest a cigarette break. Not sure if it makes it better or worse, but he was married. To another man. So even if I'd managed the intended "fag", it probably would have come across as offensive...
Also, chatting to a client about Gok Wan, as he comes from client's village
Client I remember him as a teenager, he used to look like me
Me oh, that's right, he used to be really fat didn't he?

Really laughed at some of these.

Mine happened in a shoe shop. Shop assistant said "are you a hat person?" (I assumed she was talking about getting a hat to match my shoes). I replied "Not really, they mess my hair up and make my head all sweaty"

It was only when I left the shop I realised why she was looking at me so strangely. I was wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a cat on it and she'd asked me if I was a cat person.

I don't know what she thought I was doing with cats to make them mess my hair up and make my head all sweaty...

'he's not here'

I work in a hotel, and we had our montly stocktake.

One of the guys stepped out of the event room for a cigarette and I was just walking from my office building to the staff room...

I meant to say 'Still hard at it' and instead I just said 'Still Hard?' rather enthusiastically...

Think I will be booking the next stockday off work!!!

Yes, totally social awkward. So much so that when I fuck up its not even funny enough to share on here.

I thoughtfully inspected my boob to check if I was leaking milk through my dress in a room full of clients today. Why?

'His not here' is hilarious

A few years ago I bumped into my neighbours while out walking. We're all the same age (late 40's at the time). Mr Neighbour tells me the sad news that his grandfather had just died. Me, somehow temporarily devoid of sympathy, thought this would be a good time for humour and responded with, "Wow, he must have been really old if he was YOUR grandfather!" Really? What the actual f**k was my mouth doing? I still die a little inside every time I think of this.

Loving this thread!

• Other than making a load of shockingly awful inappropriate cemetery jokes after a funeral that nobody thought was funny, but I just couldn't stop.
• Whenever there is a group of people and more than a second of silence I can't stand it and feel the need to fill it with the first thing that comes into my head, usually some totally bizarre, irrelevant crap.
• But my worst was meeting my friend's new girlfriend who only has one arm. Knowing my tendency to insert hoof into mouth I spent the whole time trying not to say stupid inappropriate things, (such as that's handy, or need a hand...) Blew it by admiring her nice nail varnish and asking if she did it herself... Her awkward 'Erm' was followed by long silence and i just wanted to crawl off and die

Been wetting myself laughing at this thread thank you

Identify with so many of them esp getting words mixed up. Often I say "thanks you" because my brain doesn't know if I should say thanks or thank you
I have loads of socially awkward moments to share but like a pp I can't bear to remember the memory...as soon as it comes in my head I have to distract myself ! Its all too shameful!

Helping a patient get dressed, who happened to be a double below the knee amputee and asking them where they're shoes where

Oh one I can remember without dying (mainly because its socially inept meets socially inept)is at ds's 5th birthday party, the first in his new school so I invited the whole class. Didnt know any of the parents.
Little girl walked in said she was hot and handed me her Cardi which I put over my arm & carried on welcoming other kids in. 5 mins later a dad walks over, hand out so I said hello & shook it. He drew his hand away and made a beckoning motion (not saying a word I had no clue what he was beckoning at. Then he just pointed at the Cardi & snatched it away
He then put out his hand for me to shake
We didn't become friends...