To ask if you are as socially awkward as me...

[WankingMonkey]

And for some stories?

A couple of days back I just met my cousins partner for the first time. All is going well and she says she likes my top and asks where I got it. My answer?

'Oh I have had it on for two days as I am such a scruff round the house'

She just kind of looked weirdly at me and went 'riiiiight' and walked out of the room .

Seriously wtf inspires me to say shit like that? Its not the first time and probably won't be the last either. So socially awkward. I expect I am not alone, whats your worst?

Crying with laughter at some of these!!

I'm forever doing things like this, but the one that most stick out to me is when my normal dentist was on mat leave and I had an appointment with her replacement, I walked in and he said hi I'm and he held out his hand.. So I shook it, turns out he wanted my notes that I was holding I get all hot when I think about that.

On a first date I had an orange juice to drink - and I started swilling the juice around in a little game I weirdly started playing to myself. Then I do a slightly more dramatic swill and it spills all over my lap.
He has been silently watching this: "what are you doing?" He says
"I am trying to catch all the bits of orange that have stuck to the glass and swill them back into the liquid" I say.

Luckily he found it funny. We are now married.

I'm so glad this isn't just me. I constantly do this and I'm so socially awkward I avoid going out. Some of my best are:

Visiting mum's friend who had just had a baby, I was 16. We stood cooing over the little baby and I came out with 'aw the poor little thing!' WTF. Clearly not what a new mum wants to hear. I still can't live it down and worst is that although mum and her sort of lost contact over the years she now works right near me, said baby is now about 18 and I can't bring myself to ask after him.

Suggestions for a work night out - 'I don't want to go there, it's full of lesbians' FFS, I have no idea why it would have been a problem even if was. This was to my colleagues, amongst whom there are gay men and lesbian women. They hated me after that, quite rightly so because I sounded like a twat.

Same colleagues - one of them had a car which was his pride and joy, he used to talk about it all the time and I just used to smile and nod whilst being bored senseless. There was an incident where a car of the same make and colour was vandalised, it was spray painted. Colleague asked me if I'd heard about it, my response 'yes, I thought it was yours and couldn't stop laughing'. He looked like I'd actually vandalised the car myself in the hopes it was his.

Job interview for a teaching assistant post - 'what would you do if a child had been rude to a member of staff?' Me: 'I'd force them to apologise, they're not getting away with that!' Wrong answer.

I also asked my bald uncle if he used shampoo or whether he was able to save money by not buying any.

Acquaintance I hadn't invited to my wedding: 'have a fabulous day on the 29th' me: 'oh I will, you too!' Yeah, that sounded like I was rubbing it in that she wasn't invited, made more embarrassing by the fact she really didn't care that she wasn't invited.

There are many, many more unfortunately.

Customer telling me her husband had just been diagnosed with a certain cancer.
Me: aww, that's what (DPS) dad died of.

I was at a baby massage class almost 13 years ago now. Sitting in a circle, one of the (slightly overweight) mam's mention that the doctor had told her (while pregnant) that she was overweight. All the other mam's tutting in disgust.

Me: but were you? (I think this was a fair enough question but everyone did the avoiding eye contact/ changing subject thing)

My brother was in a queue in a shop, while texting his dp. Guy serves him and when leaving my brother says thanks babe. He was mortified.

Not sure who the awkward one is in this scenario. We live abroad and my DS (3) has an Irish name though I'm English. His supply teacher seized on this and asked if I was Irish. I said yes to avoid having the whole convo about what an unusual choice, bla bla bla, thinking that would be the end of it. But no. Yesterday at pick up time, to make light chitchat he asked my opinion on Irish abortion policy. I bet he went home thinking "whyyyyy did I ask her that?"

I went for my first smear test and the doctors was on the same road as my flat. Midway through, I told the nurse how I could see into my living room from here!

I do this dress has pockets thing too, and if sonething is especially old/cheap/from somewhere usually crap and someone compliments it, that's what I tell them!
Eg me with my tights today ( Halloween novelty things)

Nice tights!
Thanks, they're from Poundland!

Oh ......right.

I tell myself it's just a lack of clothing snobbery and some stealth boasting about how skilled I am at finding bargains

When I went for my 12 week scan the sonographer asked me to roll onto my side to try and get a better view which I did. She then asked me to roll over again and I dutifully flipped over...onto my tummy giving her my back to scan. She looked at me like I was very very stupid while I just said oopsie daisy and flipped back over on to my back.

Oh god I've actually only just remembered this one, it's obviously been buried in my subconscious for years, with good reason.

Being a shy and awkward teenager, I was aware that I probably came across as a bit quiet and boring to my best friend's family so was determined to make a special effort to be more chatty when I was over for dinner one night. It was a Saturday and 15 year old friend and I had been walking round town all day in inappropriate shoes that had rubbed a nasty gash into the side of my ankle. As we were sitting eating dinner their spaniel Oliver, who was under the table, took an interest in the blood and started sniffing around, then ventured a lick. Here was a good opportunity for me to say something! "Ooh! Oliver's licking my cut!" Cue total stillness and silence at the table from friend's mum, dad and big sister then everyone just carries on eating. My friend looks at me with a scandalised expression and leans over and whispers "WHAT did you say?!" Yes that's right, my friend's entire family thought that I'd just announced that the dog was licking my cunt.

Cguk81 that's hilarious!!!

I did a live interview on GMTV years ago and I kept forgetting what they'd asked and ended up trailing off after giving the same one answer...

I always do the 'you too' response when it's totally not the right answer.

My friend's dad once brought us cups of tea up to her bedroom, and he say 'here you go Alba-Walba', so I SAID 'THANK YOU WANK YOU'.

This thread is amazing.

I will never forget when I took the dog to the vets with my mum.

Vet- How are his motions?
Mum- Well, he seems ok, not too sad
Vet- No, his bowel motions

I just giggled uncontrollably.

I recently met up with someone who I kind of looked after in hospital at work. I am now friends with his wife (we met through mutual friends- not work related) and the first thing I said to him when he mentioned how we first met was 'Yes, wow, you look different with clothes on!' Cringe! The stupid thing is he was wearing hospital clothes when I met him. They both thought it was hilarious.

The wife of my DH's good friend was pregnant again after sadly losing her baby very late in her pregnancy.
My response to her announcement to us?
I congratulated her and shook her hand. Why?!?

It was years ago and I pray she's forgotten it.

Oh my god, I have found my people. I have read this thread over a few sittings and have been in tears laughing on several occasions. I feel exactly like this and often over share- I think I think it means the person will get to know me better/quicker and see me as a "real human" person etc. I have a terrible "doom" feeling after every night out I have thinking oh god why did I say that??!

My worst recentish one was DS (let's call him Tom) had started school and I'd identified a couple (parents of a school friend of DS) as possible kindred spirits and thought it would be an idea to get to know them a bit better since the kids played together etc. Anyway I thought I would go and put my big girl pants on and make the first move, I went over to the dad in the playground to say hi while the kids were lining up to go in. He said "Hi, I'm Matt, I'm James' dad", I then said "Oh hi it's good to meet you, I'm Tom's dad". He looked at me funny then the conversation carried on, awkwardly. It wasn't until a few seconds afterwards I realised that I'd said I was a dad- and then not acknowedged my fuck up in any way. By the time I realised the moment to laugh at myself with him had passed and he must have gone away thinking I was a) mental b) a weirdo and possibly c) a very feminine looking man. They moved away shortly afterwards THANK CHRIST.

I also have to bite my tongue when people talk about cancer as my first response is to say "My mum died of that" by which I mean "I am aware how horrific it is to have a close family member diagnosed, I know about the trials of chemo etc, so please feel free to have a chat with me as I can empathise a bit" but appreciate it comes across as "your relative will probably die too" OH MY GOD.

The story of the person who was behind the disabled person getting on a plane and was second guessing what they were thinking rang bells with me too. I often try to work out what someone wants and try to accommodate that, often not aware at all of what they are thinking so my action looks totally random/mean/weird. My Dh says I need to stop trying to be so nice all the time.

Molly, over sharing, second guessing, I do this a lot. Especially if someone is much cooler than me or just aloof , I think I am trying to sort of over compensate a bit? I am learning not to do this as much these days, we live and learn, but I was bad at it when I was much younger. That's why I liked the Miranda show, she would look at the camera and go ' awkward' and I knew what she meant! lol. I have made so many mistakes in life!!

*Priest: 'How do you like your tea?'
Me: 'Pale and weak. Like my men.' *

Oh dear

Job interview for a teaching assistant post - 'what would you do if a child had been rude to a member of staff?' Me: 'I'd force them to apologise, they're not getting away with that!' Wrong answer.

Shame about that. I think it's generally the right answer.

Oh barging past that man on the stairs with the best of intentions and how are his motions 😂

I'm glad I'm not the only random kisser.

I remembered another one - I was talking to an elderly relative at the weekend, and didn't catch the first part of what she was saying but she had just been talking about her dog who was now under her chair asleep so was nodding along as she said "...he's walked all around the markets this morning, walked up here, and now look at him, he's dozing off" to which I replied "Yes he still loves having a good sniff round everywhere, doesn't he, even at his age". She looked a bit taken aback and went a bit quiet. She had been talking about her husband.

The kissing greeting / goodbye is an absolute minefield. I've been laughed at by one particularly insensitive sod who I thought was lunging for a hello kiss which I tried to reciprocate, but no, he was just lunging!

The most spectacularly embarrassing incident though was bumping into my cousin and her DH in a bar. I was walking out and they were sitting. Her DH kind of proffered his hand palm up, so I put mine on it palm down as if expecting him to kiss it . It doesn't help that though our DFs our brothers, my DM is from a kind of classless but middle class type background (not explaining well!) and I was the only one on dad's side to go to uni. I think they think I'm a bit stuck up.

We were on the same train home and my DU was there to give them a lift so gave me one too. I was in the back of the car with my cousin's DH and guffawed an apology about the hand kiss incident earlier and laughed about how I do twattish things all the time. I was a bit merry and quite loud and slapped her DH's knee a couple of times emphatically. Then I think I might have rubbed his leg meaning to be affectionate but probably looking more pervy. Oh God I have a Christmas do with them soon and I'm still mortified. Personal space must be my mantra!

I went to the vets with my dog. Walked in the room and lifted the dog up on to the table..... that's when I noticed the vet did not have any ears. What fascinated me was, that he was wearing glasses. I realized that I was staring a little to long. I started thinking to myself 'don't look, don't look'
The vet said ' What is the problem ?'. To which I reply, 'It is my dogs ears, she is always having problems with them. Blummin' things, she is deaf and doesn't even need ears....' Why oh why ?

This isn't my awkwardness, but my friends.

My friend, is the most loveliest person you could ever meet but she sure knows how to put her foot in things!
A group of us decided to go for a few drinks at a pub local to my friend (We will call her Amy) When we entered Amy, said it was quite busy for the time it was (about 5.00pm) we order our drinks and take a seat. The music isn't on, or the TVs nor people playing pool or darts. I notice a group of people (maybe 20-30) near the juke box sobbing and others telling tales that ends up with people doing a smile or a little chuckle. As time goes on more people are joining the group. We are now onto our second round of drinks, when Amy comments how we need to liven the place up a bit, another friend suggested we head to another pub instead, Amy agrees and says she's just nipping toilet before we leave. Whilst Amy is at the toilets me and the others are talking, and we all come to the acknowledgement that the group sobbing must have come back from a funeral or have received news that somebody has died, with how they was acting and snippets of conversation we had overheard, we was debating whether to buy the party a few drinks and send condolences when one friend whispers
oh shit Kungfu look!
As I look in the direction which she pointed I could see Amy making her way through the crowd near the jukebox and she proudly proclaims whilst slotting money into the machine.
time to liven this place up, like a bloody funeral in here

The crowd all stared at her in disbelief and confusion, which quickly turned too horror when her first song choice that blasted through the speakers was
" lady gaga - just dance "

We snatched Amy up, apologised and made a quick disappearing act and had to explain too Amy that it was in fact a funeral.

We all have a running joke now when we meet with Amy as too how long she can last without making a situation awkward.

When I was younger I had a job, which entailed renting a room in a house from my bosses brother. He was a real muso and really cool and I was young and nervous. He asked me what music I was in to and for some fucking bizarre reason, which I still cringe about 15 years later, I told him that I loved Barry White. I don't. He was the first name that popped into my head. He just said riiiiight. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

standing next to my boss and he had farted, he went bright red (he obviously thought it would be silent) before my brain could engage properly, I roar loudly oops thunder bum. (which is what I say to my 2 yo ds and he cracks up) manager was mortified, as was I and I feebly said sorry and tried to explain, he just walked off mid way through. He still doesn't talk to me.

Crying laughing here. Great thread!

I have just wet myself laughing at angiekk's vet 'without ears '