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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say Fuck it - let's just start a new life

171 replies

fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 14:09

Although I'm British I live in Ireland (dual English/Irish nationality). My Fiance is Dutch.

As it is the majority of his wages goes on our rent. If I was to work (having researched it extensively) I would owe about fifty euro a week if I'm lucky so it pays me to NOT work which is driving me up the wall. I want a better life for my kids. We live on state handouts which is bloody depressing but without this we wouldn't be able to afford food.

I want more from my life and to at least set a better example for my kids. As it is, my life just isn't working. Something needs to change and right now I am so caught up in the reality I cannot see the wood for the tree's.

My idea, today (out of frustration and tears) is that my partner looks for work in Europe. For example, Holland, Belgium or Luxumberg. Unfortunately, he didn't finish his course to get his plumbers certificate which will have an obvious impact on the jobs that he is applying for. I had work done myself on my old house and biased as I am, he was very precise, very tidy and his work was over and above what any so called Irish plumber would have done.

Would I really be stupid to look towards him getting a job in either his profession (plumbing) or in what he is doing at the moment in Ireland because of his languages (a call centre environment) in either Belgium or Holland. I'm terrified. It is a big move for my family but things cannot continue the way that they are.

If anyone has any advice or tips on how exactly we could make this work (and soon) as we are once again facing being made homeless and at best being housed in a hotel, I would really appreciate it. I want to get out to work myself. At least because I want to make a positive contribution to my family and being so isolated isn't good for my mental health.

Please be gentle. All advice appreciated.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 27/10/2016 14:12

I'd go for it.

From what I understand, the system in Holland gives much more childcare support to allow parents to work.

What exactly is stopping you? I'd love to live and work in Holland

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 14:24

I am stopping us. In a nutshell. But it's come to a stage where I have to shit or get off the pot so to speak. This is going to be massive for my kids. At the same time, ireland just isn't working and is getting worse

OP posts:
UsernameHistory · 27/10/2016 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 14:28

That's what I'm after. Blunt facts. I used to be a Secretary. I have certificates for myself a I have reiki qualifications. It isn't much, hence my reservations.

OP posts:
FurryDogMother · 27/10/2016 14:38

The best plumber I have ever known is/was Irish - I live in Ireland too, OP, and I used to work for him. Brilliant man, ran his own plumbing/electrical company and trained up many apprentices to be as good at plumbing as he is. Anyway, having said that - are you in Dublin or something, 'cos I find rent in rural Ireland (not that I pay it, we own) to be far cheaper than in the UK, and the benefits far more generous. No idea how benefits and rent compare in other countries, but wouldn't it be easier to just move within Ireland if you're struggling? Can your partner not go back and finish his plumbing course?

BusStopBetty · 27/10/2016 14:42

Is there any reason why you can't work around his shifts? A move won't be cheap so extra in the pot would be helpful.

toffeeboffin · 27/10/2016 14:42

YY to your partner finishing the plumbing course.

Then look further into Holland /Belgium.

CremeEggThief · 27/10/2016 14:46

Where will you get the money from to move? Have you any support now and will you have any abroad? How does your partner feel?

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 14:49

We had to relocate to Dublin for work unfortunately. Our rent per month is 1100 pm until April next year when it will definitely go up. Wages are 1700 pm. State allowances are 250 per week. It sounds a lot but with electric, gas (and god help us if the water charges get reinstated) doesn't amount to much. He doesn't get a tax allowance for our two children as we aren't married. My divorce should hopefully be coming through at long last (although there is a spanner in the works).

I am just so bloody fed up of having to make ends meet, of having to struggle. Just this last week I didn't have money for bread or milk. I have 4 children at home, two with my current partner ( two with my ex husband). We HAVE to have a car to get him to work which doesn't help that someone rear ended him 3 weeks ago and wrote off our car. LIke I said, I am so caught up in the situation I cannot see the wood for the trees at the moment. I need to think more in terms of black and white and figure out where we go from here.

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 27/10/2016 14:49

There is a massive skills and taken shortage in Ireland, post BREXIT and due to the financial tax breaks more and more US firms are investing there

Are there not construction project related work your partner can do full time? as from what I hear there is a shortage , and there are a lot of projects

second question, would realy an office administratpor jpob not serve you better than benefits, after chiuldcare?

third question, I assume an evening of part time weekend job would interfere with benefits

I think you might need to try and earn in Ireland given the boom there

that said. the NL are bloody great - do you speak the language though

yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 14:52

Well, you've got £1500 left after rent. That's not bad really is it?

spaghettithrower · 27/10/2016 14:56

What are your languages like? I live in a European country (not one of the ones you mentioned) and you need to be reasonably fluent in the language to get any job above and beyond menial jobs. Even then you would be restricted in the types of jobs you could do - here, it is almost impossible to get an office job if you aren't a native speaker and haven't been through the complicated education system of apprenticeships and so on.
I am worried that you would move to Europe and find that you don't have any qualifications that would be accepted.
You might be able to do something with Reiki but you would probably need to run your own business and all that entails in a foreign country with their bureaucracy and have to do all of that in another language.
I would think very carefully about this. I just don't think you will be necessarily any better off at all and you may find yourself lonely and isolated away from friends and family.
What does your fiance say?
Why wasn't he able to finish his plumbing qualification? (Presumably this was an Irish plumbing qualification? Does he have a plumbing qualification for Holland?)

Sounds like you need to do some serious thinking and have some long discussions with your fiance.

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 14:58

I'm working on learning the language and having fun which is surprising me as I was awful at languages at school. I looked into going back to work at minimum wage which would work out at about 366 euro per week. I enquired about childcare in our area for the two little ones which at the time would have left me owing about fifty euro per week. With the new government grant that means I'd only owe about 30 euro per week if I'm lucky :( Childcare in Dublin is extortionate.

OP posts:
yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 15:01

But OP, and I know nothing about life elsewhere, do you think it would really be any better?

£1000 in state support is a lot. I'm not benefit bashing, blah blah, but it's not lacking in generosity.

If the objective is to set a better example to your children, I think you need a real plan rather than 'if we move XYZ will happen.'

TinklyLittleLaugh · 27/10/2016 15:03

How would you feel about childminding then, until your younger ones are in school?

ftw · 27/10/2016 15:03

Childcare in Holland is not cheap.

Have you checked into what (if any) state support you'd be entitled to in those countries? Have you checked that applies from Day 1?

I find it hard to believe that with 4 kids and only one person working in a low paid job that you'd ever feel anything other than skint tbh. I don't see how changing countries would help.

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 15:04

spaghettithrower His course was in Holland and he moved due to his family pressurising him otherwise the plan was that he would finish his course there first but it didn't work out like that. As he isn't in touch with his family (long complicated story) he cannot get his certificates, just dates of when he attended his course but he does have companies that he worked for at the time that he left with a very good impression with.

The biggest problem is ME. My lack of languages. My lack of skills which I know could leave me VERY VERY isolated. As it is, he is being let go from his job as his whiplash is effecting his job. There is no safeguarding his position. They can do this. It's stressful. It means that if we don't find work in the next month, we could sleep in a car or if we are luck, in a hotel. Hence the 'Oh shit what do I do post'.

OP posts:
user1475440127 · 27/10/2016 15:09

I'm going to suggest he retrains as a gas engineer.
I think its a case of the grass being greener on the other side.

CremeEggThief · 27/10/2016 15:09

But won't you get some rent allowance and won't he get some JSA? I know things don't sound great, but surely they're not as bad as you think? It sounds as if you're catastrophising and thinking of the worst possible outcome, OP.

Cloeycat · 27/10/2016 15:11

I don't see what's stopping you applying for jobs that are higher then minimum wage, they are there. If you get offered a job that isn't viable for whatever reason turn it down. Also many supermarkets like LIDL and ALDI now pay a living wage not minimum wage which would put you over the childcare problem.

The biggest problem seems to be your OHs lack of qualification meaning he is tied to his current job. He needs to get qualified so you can move out of Dublin where in fairness rent extortionate. Also I don't think you will do yourselves any favours by saying that even without a qualification he is better than 'so called Irish plumbers' who have qualifications.

The other thing is if you are struggling with rent so much you are about to be made homeless I can't see how you can afford to move countries- 6 flights to Europe, deposit and 1st months rent and general living costs (food,new uniforms for school age kids etc). Your OH won't receive his first paycheck the day you move, and neither will you get any benefits the day you move so you will have to have savings to cover the costs in the meantime. I'm not trying to be negative just realistic.

yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 15:15

Why are you being made homeless? Is it due to landlords selling?

JenLindleyShitMom · 27/10/2016 15:16

Ok in your shoes I would say your partner needs to get on a plumbing/plumbing apprenticeship course in Ireland. There is a good wage be had in plumbing especially if he is the best plumber in Ireland as you claim Wink

You already have certificates. You need to pick one and use it. As a reiki practitioner you can operate from home or as a mobile practitioner going to client'a homes in the evenings and weekends when your partner is home. That's the option I would recommend for you.

Once you have both been doing that for a year or so, reassess the financial situation and see if you still want to move to Europe. Bear in mind your children will all be in school in a few years so lower childcare costs if you do go into full time work.

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 15:17

Yes. I am catastrophizing somewhat. Our landlord will NOT accept rent allowance and if we ask, we are out on our asses. It might be illegal but it doesn't stop it from happening. I am panicking. I don't know what to do but you have given me food for thought. I really need that right now because I am NOT thinking straight.

On the plus side, we are hoping that he gets something from the personal injuries from his accident but having said that it's not going to be a magic fix. Time to get my hard hat on and if he really wants to move, I have to start working on my language properly somehow. Fuck.

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 27/10/2016 15:18

If he is being let go from his job then he can do childcare and you can use your already existing qualifications to work.

Manumission · 27/10/2016 15:21

£1000 in state support is a lot. I'm not benefit bashing, blah blah, but it's not lacking in generosity.

Euros not GBP, and the help also traps them.