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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say Fuck it - let's just start a new life

171 replies

fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 14:09

Although I'm British I live in Ireland (dual English/Irish nationality). My Fiance is Dutch.

As it is the majority of his wages goes on our rent. If I was to work (having researched it extensively) I would owe about fifty euro a week if I'm lucky so it pays me to NOT work which is driving me up the wall. I want a better life for my kids. We live on state handouts which is bloody depressing but without this we wouldn't be able to afford food.

I want more from my life and to at least set a better example for my kids. As it is, my life just isn't working. Something needs to change and right now I am so caught up in the reality I cannot see the wood for the tree's.

My idea, today (out of frustration and tears) is that my partner looks for work in Europe. For example, Holland, Belgium or Luxumberg. Unfortunately, he didn't finish his course to get his plumbers certificate which will have an obvious impact on the jobs that he is applying for. I had work done myself on my old house and biased as I am, he was very precise, very tidy and his work was over and above what any so called Irish plumber would have done.

Would I really be stupid to look towards him getting a job in either his profession (plumbing) or in what he is doing at the moment in Ireland because of his languages (a call centre environment) in either Belgium or Holland. I'm terrified. It is a big move for my family but things cannot continue the way that they are.

If anyone has any advice or tips on how exactly we could make this work (and soon) as we are once again facing being made homeless and at best being housed in a hotel, I would really appreciate it. I want to get out to work myself. At least because I want to make a positive contribution to my family and being so isolated isn't good for my mental health.

Please be gentle. All advice appreciated.

OP posts:
petitpois55 · 27/10/2016 16:20

Man Can you point out to me where she apologised for her xenophobic remark. I must have missed it??

YelloDraw · 27/10/2016 16:21

So two people without any qualifications are botching because they can't get highly paid work? And you get £1k of benefits a month?

Can't help but think 'fuck right off'.

Why doesn't your DP get his plumbing qualifications in Ireland?

Why don't you take some night shift work (cleaning, call centres, bars) to supplement income (no child care costs as DP is at home).

Why don't you study and get some qualifications or skills to enable you to get a better job?

Manumission · 27/10/2016 16:21

Sorry OP, x post.

Look; any big life decision being made on the basis of "Fuck it" is a BAD idea.

I understand the urge to do something, anything and make a big change but do be careful of going from frying pan to fire.

Your expenses don't sound ridiculous.

What jumps out to me is that, whatever country you're in, you're probably going to need two reasonable wages. So I'd make steps towards that.

SafariOrigami · 27/10/2016 16:21

This thread is odd. The OP is only answering what she feels like. And it doesfeel like another thread bashing Ireland (despite the fact that being there has enabled the OP to be a SAHM so far!) Many of us would like that opportunity

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 16:22

Actually, MY DP ISN'T THE PROBLEM. He has no problem going back to Holland and finishing his course and working.

IT IS ME THAT IS THE BLOODY PROBLEM. I'M THE ONE THAT SCREWED UP HERE.

Thanks anyway.

OP posts:
Manumission · 27/10/2016 16:22

petit she posted;

As for the 'so called Irish plumber' comments. I am sorry if anyone takes offence. I am in a new build. My toilet is falling off the wall because the screws they used aren't the correct ones for the walls. The radiators are not the correct size for the rooms. The sewage regularly blocks. The heating system regularly needs my fiancé to fix the pressure before we can use it. I could go on. It is frustrating. It is not the fact that the plumbers are shit but that the builders/whoever actually get away with this. This is not just in my current house but in the majority of houses that I have been in in Ireland.

At 15.41

SafariOrigami · 27/10/2016 16:24

Manumission that's not really an apology though....is it?

Manumission · 27/10/2016 16:24

So two people without any qualifications are botching because they can't get highly paid work?

Confused

Are they?!

Are we all reading the same thread?

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 16:26

And for the record, I did go back to work for a while but I just couldn't afford to continue to pay for the bloody childcare. I actually liked getting dressed up for work and having something that was about ME. Something that I could do myself for my family rather than sitting on my lazy arse at home being given state handouts.

I'm feeling pretty shit. I'm in tears. Not feeling the best so please just leave it there. I'm sorry for those I offended. It wasn't intended.

OP posts:
Manumission · 27/10/2016 16:26

It looks like an apology to me.

She's a dual national. People gripe like that about their own countries in a way they wouldn't about other people's. Especially when stressed. I can't really see it as racist exactly. Poor solidarity maybe.

petitpois55 · 27/10/2016 16:27

Wow. !! That's suppossed to be an apology man She said sorry, and then just repeated what she said in more detail, in order to justify what she said originally.
The OP needs to grow up, take responsibility, and stop blaming everyone else for her own problems.

Manumission · 27/10/2016 16:29

I did go back to work for a while but I just couldn't afford to continue to pay for the bloody childcare. I actually liked getting dressed up for work and having something that was about ME. Something that I could do myself for my family rather than sitting on my lazy arse at home being given state handouts.

Thousands have women have been in the same trap. I'm sure it's not your preference and that you're not lazy Flowers

FurryDogMother · 27/10/2016 16:30

The way my ex-employer used to do things was that he'd employ his apprentices as trainee plumbers, then allow them a 1 day a week release to study for their qualifications - could your partner not look into finding a similar placement? Maybe contact a few plumbers down country, ask if there are any proper apprenticeships available? You don't have to be in your teens do one. Then look at moving yourselves to the area where the job (if he can find one) is. Dublin is expensive, but Ireland as a whole isn't - and it's much nicer outside Dublin, anyway :)

Every1lovesPatsy · 27/10/2016 16:30

You are living on Irish state benefits....and you go on to compare your unqualified partner with "any so-called Irish plumber" Wtf that's a bit off isn't it????

What's wrong with Irish plumbers?

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 16:30

And I looked at a course to get his qualification recognised in Ireland through bord gais, A GID certificate course is 1495 euro. We just don't have that, if we did we would have done that already.

OP posts:
Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 16:32

Just for the record, before anyone else wants to chime in and make me feel any more shit than I already do.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE OFF STATE BENEFITS. I WANT TO FUCKING WORK.

OP posts:
Dinah85 · 27/10/2016 16:33

Is your DP as happy to stay in Ireland as he is to up sticks if that is logically what is financially best for your family? Because I can't see how going is going to better you unless his salary increase makes up for all the benefits over here. You're not going to work in NL if you're already scared somewhere you speak the language and are familiar with social norms, all that's going to happen is you'll end up isolated and wishing you'd put on your big girl pants at home rather than running from your perceived problems to some land of milk and honey that doesn't actually exist.

Bluepowder · 27/10/2016 16:36

People aren't being very kind here and you sound panicked. Firstly, if you have enough food, rent etc to survive on even for a little while then you are safe enough for the moment. There is no need for panic. Secondly it sounds like you need to discuss your options with your dp rather than here on mumsnet. You sound as though you are lacking proper information. Could your dp get qualified back in Holland? Where would you all live? What are the options for your children? Would you need some savings before you could go over? What are the work options for you? Could you be eg a virtual assistant, for example? Make some lists. Explore.

Every1lovesPatsy · 27/10/2016 16:36

Good for you, now stop slagging off Irish people via generalisations.

YelloDraw · 27/10/2016 16:36

Yes you want to work, but you have a fuck of a lot of child care to pay for. Most people struggle to pay for child care when they are in low earning jobs and need to consider that as part of their decision making.

Other people work nights, as I suggested.

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 16:40

Dinah, that just about sums it up. It is actually NOT about any benefits. I'm desperate to get back to work. It's best for my mental health even if I did take a hit financially for me to get back to work. Adding another country and another language well, I'm am VERY VERY sure that it isn't some land of milk and honey. It will be a tough slog at the very least.

Best case scenario, my dp gets a job in 4 weeks. Worst case I add to the over 3.5k homeless families in Ireland living on even more state benefits in a hotel somewhere.

OP posts:
Every1lovesPatsy · 27/10/2016 16:40

Bar job,
Weekend work - waitressing/childcare
Take in ironing.
Cleaning.
Dog walking.

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 16:42

Dont' know how to link names. Sorry. Bluepowder. You make a lot of sense. Thank you. Lists will be made :)

OP posts:
SafariOrigami · 27/10/2016 16:43

I really don't understand why you can't look for work if you want it that badly? Can't your older children help with some childcare? Or your dp mind them in the evenings etc?

MaudGonneMad · 27/10/2016 16:43

Why did your DP lose his job, OP?