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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say Fuck it - let's just start a new life

171 replies

fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 14:09

Although I'm British I live in Ireland (dual English/Irish nationality). My Fiance is Dutch.

As it is the majority of his wages goes on our rent. If I was to work (having researched it extensively) I would owe about fifty euro a week if I'm lucky so it pays me to NOT work which is driving me up the wall. I want a better life for my kids. We live on state handouts which is bloody depressing but without this we wouldn't be able to afford food.

I want more from my life and to at least set a better example for my kids. As it is, my life just isn't working. Something needs to change and right now I am so caught up in the reality I cannot see the wood for the tree's.

My idea, today (out of frustration and tears) is that my partner looks for work in Europe. For example, Holland, Belgium or Luxumberg. Unfortunately, he didn't finish his course to get his plumbers certificate which will have an obvious impact on the jobs that he is applying for. I had work done myself on my old house and biased as I am, he was very precise, very tidy and his work was over and above what any so called Irish plumber would have done.

Would I really be stupid to look towards him getting a job in either his profession (plumbing) or in what he is doing at the moment in Ireland because of his languages (a call centre environment) in either Belgium or Holland. I'm terrified. It is a big move for my family but things cannot continue the way that they are.

If anyone has any advice or tips on how exactly we could make this work (and soon) as we are once again facing being made homeless and at best being housed in a hotel, I would really appreciate it. I want to get out to work myself. At least because I want to make a positive contribution to my family and being so isolated isn't good for my mental health.

Please be gentle. All advice appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 15:21

Yes. I will have to look into his qualifications properly Jen. I haven't used my qualifications at all due to lack of confidence. Time to swallow some pride?

OP posts:
JenLindleyShitMom · 27/10/2016 15:22

Yep, it's scary but the alternative is...??

elelfrance · 27/10/2016 15:22

Having lived in continental Europe, be careful about benefits - they can often take 6-12 months to kick in (just the process of getting a social security number can take aaaages)

Manumission · 27/10/2016 15:23

What exactly would he have to do to get fully qualified in plumbing in Ireland? How long would it take and how much would it cost?

How long until the small DC are in school and will you be able to work then? (I know Irish school hours are an issue.)

CremeEggThief · 27/10/2016 15:23

Can you get rent allowance without having to tell your landlord, at least not straight away? In the UK, you can get housing benefit paid directly to you. I did this for nearly 2 years when I lived in a private rental house.

Manumission · 27/10/2016 15:24

Does your ex pay CM?

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2016 15:25

I know a British woman with a Dutch husband and 3 DCs. They all moved to the Netherlands and the intention was that she would teach English, ie be a TEFL teacher - I don't know how succesful they were. Would that be an option for you?

Aderyn2016 · 27/10/2016 15:25

Would your exh agree to you moving the dc to another country? That could be a spanner in the works.

Manumission · 27/10/2016 15:26

Will your DP be able to get four lots of child tax credit (DC and SDC) once you marry?

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 15:26

To get fully qualified in Ireland would cost over 1000 euro which we don't have. We have looked into that previously. He has 7 years experience as a plumber in Holland but that doesn't account for anything in Ireland because he doesn't have the local qualifications. He would have no problems getting back into his profession in Holland with his previous contacts.

He wants to get out of Ireland. He is completely fed up of the system. He wants a better way of life for our kids but as it stands it feels like it's me that's stopping us and that's shit.

OP posts:
Cloeycat · 27/10/2016 15:29

To be honest it sounds like if you do move maybe he should move a couple of months before the rest of you and get sorted and you claim as a single unworking mum?

CremeEggThief · 27/10/2016 15:29

Could he move back to Holland and find a job first and save up for a while before you and the DC join him?

yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 15:31

Fair enough Manu, forgot OP was in Ireland.

But it's trapping them because it is so generous. That's not to say that I don't sympathise but I do think OP needs to think carefully if she thinks another country is the answer as that level of support may not be there.

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 15:33

My ex has only just agreed to an increase in CM having been ripped apart by the judge :D He wouldn't hesitate to agree to us moving abroad.

I will look online to see if there is a way for my fiancé to use his skills to get a different job but elsewhere rather than confining us to Dublin which I wouldn't recommend to my worst enemy. Any extra options that I can find right now are good because up until now I just couldn't think straight and any options have been through panic rather than actually thinking logically.

OP posts:
Theoretician · 27/10/2016 15:33

Euros not GBP, and the help also traps them

I wondered if there was much difference between a Euro and a GBP post-Brexit, so I've worked it out. Smile

She actually said 250 a week which (x4.25 weeks/month) is 1062.50 Euros. Google says that's 951 GBP.

MaudGonneMad · 27/10/2016 15:34

How did your partner lose his job? Because of his injuries? But the accident happened only three weeks ago - did he not get signed off by his GP?

shovetheholly · 27/10/2016 15:34

Just popping in with a very tiny thought. My experience of the Dutch is that a great number of people have an incredibly high standard of spoken English. I think you would find it a lot less difficult linguistically as you learn their language than you might think!

LadyStoic · 27/10/2016 15:36

I'd love to offer some advice but have none I'm afraid.

I can't though un-read this: 'any so called Irish plumber would have done'

Nor the fact that you clearly don't see a problem with that or else wouldn't have just written itHmm Casual and nastily reductive racism to the very people who are currently funding you? Nice...

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 15:37

I know that the same level of support will not be there if we move. If I move it means I HAVE to work. Strange as it may sound I would really rather work in a lower paid job and actually feel like I have a life and am making a contribution to my family rather than being stuck at home the way that I am now. For that to happen, I need to make a change for me which means big girl pants time. I'm just TERRIFIED.

OP posts:
Aloethere · 27/10/2016 15:37

I live in Ireland too, I notice in your figures you are not including child benefit which is a further 580e a month. I really don't think you are that badly off tbh. You will struggle with the two of you in low paying jobs and 4 children no matter where you go. With your husbands salary you would be entitled to free fees and grants if you went to college and got a degree.
You should look around the country for jobs, they aren't all in Dublin. Cork, Limerick, Galway have their fair share of jobs too. I'm in Galway and there are quite a few support/customer care jobs going when you have a second language. Live in one of the commuter towns outside of the city and you are looking at about 800e a month for rent, go rural but still within commuting distance you are looking at about 600e.

yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 15:37

Well yes, they do have a high standard of spoken English and often of German, French, and often Italian/Spanish too.

Which is why OP, with just English, may not find things as plain sailing as she feels.

woowoowoo · 27/10/2016 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fiddlefingers · 27/10/2016 15:41

As for the 'so called Irish plumber' comments. I am sorry if anyone takes offence. I am in a new build. My toilet is falling off the wall because the screws they used aren't the correct ones for the walls. The radiators are not the correct size for the rooms. The sewage regularly blocks. The heating system regularly needs my fiancé to fix the pressure before we can use it. I could go on. It is frustrating. It is not the fact that the plumbers are shit but that the builders/whoever actually get away with this. This is not just in my current house but in the majority of houses that I have been in in Ireland.

OP posts:
Aderyn2016 · 27/10/2016 15:48

Not sure the OP can be accused of racism towards the Irish because she is Irish.

MissMargie · 27/10/2016 15:48

This all sounds very complicated.
I can't see what the main problem is - is it the high rent (you could move somewhere cheaper), the fact you can't work because of the benefit system (moving will make you poorer no?), frustration because neither can get a good job (not sure other places would be better)?

I don't think admin jobs are that easy to get. Do you have a degree?
Can he get a plumbing job in Holland?
You could do child minding (you say its extortionate in Dublin). Do that, he continues where he is, you save what you can whilst continuing to research jobs /training here and elsewhere.

I don't think you can up sticks right now, without money behind you.

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