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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I really 'grossly irresponsible'?

494 replies

Saggingninja · 27/10/2016 13:19

My 12 year old daughter's best friend - 'Polly' comes to stay for a few days over half-term. Polly is 14. On the first day, Polly says she would love to go into town (Manchester) with Katie. So I give them money, make sure their phones are charged and send them off.

Both girls are sitting in a cafe having hot chocolate. Polly texts her mum to say she's having fun. Three minutes later Polly's mother calls me. I am 'grossly irresponsible letting two young girls go into town and anything could happen.'

I pointed out that it's half-term, there are likely to be loads of parents and children around and both girls go to school by bus every day. But Polly's mother is convinced their are gangs of Mancunian paedophiles lurking everywhere, so I dash into town to rescue the girls from having a nice time.

I had very overprotective parents who convinced me there were 'bad people' everywhere and kept me in a bubble. I grew up anxious and timid and was determined that my own children would be more confident. And our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence. Our girls are in far more (statistical) danger of being assaulted by someone they know well.

Perhaps I should have told Polly's mother before I let them go. But she (Polly) seemed so pleased and there were two of them. Was I wrong?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2016 15:15

I also don't understand why times are different. If we go back to when most of us were children, in northern England we had Ian Brady and Myra Hindley and shortly after that the Yorkshire Ripper and then Robert Black, who murdered a girl my age just a few miles from where I live, along with several other girls in the 1980/90s? either at large or in very recent memories and there was the risk of IRA bombs, so it's not like we grew up in some safe long lost eutopia.

MarthasHarbour · 27/10/2016 15:15

I was Polly once, I remember my mum kicking off at another parent for this (although I think we were 11/12 at the time). They also bollocked me at 16 FFS for going to a friend's house after the cinema one night.

I left home at 19. It couldn't have come soon enough. Too stifling. DS1 is 7 now and I am determined not to be like this.

I reckon Polly knew her mum would not allow it and used her stay at yours for a bit of independence. I don't blame her.

YANBU obviously Smile

nokidshere · 27/10/2016 15:17

The problem is that you don't know what issues Pollys mum is dealing with herself. Her reasons for not letting her go might seem very logical to her, wether it's fair or not.

When I have under 16's in my home I would always send a text - "the boys are going into town, that ok with you" - I've never had anyone say no but the responsibility is theirs and not mine.

MarthasHarbour · 27/10/2016 15:19

Barbara absolutely. I say this all the time to my friend who won't let her Y7 get the bus 10 mins up the road to school. She drives her in every day 'because she is too young to go on her own'

Even my overprotective parents let me get the school bus (20 min each way) at 9.

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 15:21

Dc both went on school trips to Belgium in Year 8. Part of the programme was being left alone in a shopping mall in Brussels for an hour or two. Normal expectations.

LemonBreeland · 27/10/2016 15:23

MarthasHarbour my Mum was totally over protective too. As a result my DC get a lot of freedom, as I felt I was treated like a little kid, even at 16 and absolutely hated it.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/10/2016 15:24

at 12 I was gaily going into Brixton (same time the riots were happening in the 1980s too). didn't give it a second thought.

My neighbour's DS who's on the spectrum has also been going into towns/cities by himself since 14 but with friends, meeting them etc and help from his DM if need be.

Atenco · 27/10/2016 15:24

The problem is that you don't know what issues Pollys mum is dealing with herself. Her reasons for not letting her go might seem very logical to her, wether it's fair or not

But then in that case the mother should have told OP. If your child is a special case that is one thing, but to call the OP grossly irresponsible for assuming that her child is as capable as any other, is just wrong.

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 15:29

Also, if Polly's mum has issues of her own, whether a frightening past or MH issues, that still does not take away her responsibility to help Polly to grow up into an independent young person with the experience to keep herself safe.

If the problem is Polly herself, then the OP should have been warned.

GabsAlot · 27/10/2016 15:30

actually times are differnt its prob better now everyone ha a phone on them

i use to go to london on the tube and all over at that age i was trusted to come home on time which i did (mostly)

nowadays u can just ring if your worried

Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 27/10/2016 15:42

Polly's mum clearly thought that as she was staying with you she was going to be in your care at all times. Whether or not the majority of us think it's fine that our 12/13/14 yr olds go in to town on their own or not, that is our personal choice. You took Polly's mum's choice away by not giving her the opportunity to say yes or no. Whilst I allow my DDs in to town on their own, if I dropped them off with a friend for a weekend sleepover etc I would expect to be told what the plans were for them re staying in, going out, curfew, travelling by train etc. I doubt it would stop me from allowing them a bit of freedom but, at 14 I would definitely want to know where my daughter was.

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 15:45

But surely the onus would be on you as Polly's parent to let the OP know that you'd be unhappy to allow your daughter in to town. Seeing as it's a common thing for teens to do.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/10/2016 15:46

Haven't read the whole thread but lots of "ooh, when I was 14, I did X and Y". Assuming that people posting on here are probably parents, its doesn't make a jot of difference about what you were doing. Having grown up in Manchester and now living back here, the city centre is completely different than it was 20+ years ago.

And I agree that the OP should have checked with Polly's mother first. There is a whole world of difference between thinking your daughter is going round to someone's house to hang out, and them being in Manchester City Centre (and effectively supervising a 12 year old).

And no, its not really up to the 14 year old to tell the OP that her Mum would want to know or wouldn't be allowed. At 14 (and presumably she's not that street wise / cool or she wouldn't really be hanging out with a 12 year old) I'd think Polly's Mum needed to agree to an afternoon in town before they went. The fact that she goes to school on a bus (gets on near home, gets off at school) is completely different.

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 15:46

You can't leave your child in someone's home for a few days and then freak out when they do something that most teens do. If over-protective is your default mode well then you have to let people know.

MyNightWithMaud · 27/10/2016 15:48

You're not to blame for Polly's mother not saying that she couldn't go out without adult company, Nor are you to blame for Polly not mentioning it herself. (If indeed Polly's mother is the smothering, over-protective type, it's not surprising that she didn't!)

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 15:49

Isitjustme, would you not expect your 14yo to have any responsibility here? She is the one who knows you and knows what your boundaries are (and knows if they are slightly unusual)- why shouldn't she be the one who keeps you updated and gets your permission? At that age, why does she need a hosting parent to speak for her?

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 15:51

namechanged, a lot of us have teen daughters, so it's not just about what we ourselves might have done back in the year dot: it's about the expectations we have on those same teens today and to what extent we would expect them to communicate without the need of an adult intermediary

PollyPerky · 27/10/2016 15:53

Polly here Grin
I don't think we know all the details to be fair.

Her mum may well have thought her DD was with you in your house. Has Polly come to you before and what has she done with your DD?

You say Polly asked to go into town. In that case you should have checked with her mum. YOU may have been fine about it, but you were out of step for not asking her parent. Or at least asking Polly if she was normally allowed in town with no adult. Or if she knew her way around. There could be a back history you are unaware of that made her mum concerned. It could be her mum has her on a tight rein so she used your DD as a means to get into town without her mum agreeing to it.

I've been on the other side of this. When DD was about 7 or 8 I dropped her off at a friend's house. The assumption was she was staying in the house until I collected her. Turned out the friend's older brother who had just learned to drive took them out to some soft play centre. I didn't know this in advance and was horrified. I'd never met him and didn't think a 17 yr old was responsible enough to look after 2 young girls. On another occasion the dad took them supermarket shopping and they were left on their own - in the store- while he went and shopped. I had heard rumours that he had a drink problem and could drive after having had a drink. Or two. Or three.
The point being that on each occasion I assumed DD was safely at her friend's house watching TV or whatever.

It's not up to you to decide how another parent looks after their child. You may think they are over controlling but you should check first if they do something their parent doesn't know about.

MyNightWithMaud · 27/10/2016 15:54

And everything that cory said.

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 15:55

Nonsense. Polly's mum should have let the OP she didn't want her daughter to go anywhere without adult supervision. This is Polly's mother's fault.

228agreenend · 27/10/2016 15:55

Perfectly normal behaviour for teens to go into town and have a hot chocolate. Town trips started in year 6 here. That's part of growing up, and I don't think,you need permission from Polly's mum for this. If you were taking them bungee jumping or white-water rafting then you would need permission. However, a girly trip into town, then not.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/10/2016 15:56

Cory thats not what I was referring to, I was referring to all the posts that said When I was 14, I was allowed to go to town or I was getting the bus into town from the age of 10 or whatever. All I'm saying is that might be the case, I was too, but I think 20-30 years on, what we did as teens are irrelevant. The risks of going into a city centre without adult supervision for young teens are wholly different now (certainly in Manchester).

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 15:57

When DD was about 7 or 8 I dropped her off at a friend's house. The assumption was she was staying in the house until I collected her. Turned out the friend's older brother who had just learned to drive took them out to some soft play centre.

You do see the difference between a 7 year old and a 14 year old though?

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2016 15:57

20 years ago Manchester city centre had just been blown up by an IRA bomb, almost no-one had mobile phones, there was probably less CCTV, and probably just as many paedophiles as there are today.

In my previous post I forgot to mention Fred and Rose West and a significant proportion of popular figures in the media.

There were probably also just as many muggings and drugs, it was the year Train Spotting was released for a start.

On balance I don't think that it is less safe now for teenagers to go into town than it was 20/30 years ago.

PollyPerky · 27/10/2016 16:00

Nonsense. Polly's mum should have let the OP she didn't want her daughter to go anywhere without adult supervision. This is Polly's mother's fault

So is the mum (Polly's mum) supposed to come up with a list in advance of what her DD is allowed to do and not do?

If her DD has stayed with this family before and they have never let her out without an adult, I'd assume she didn't imagine it was going to happen.

I agree they would be safe. What I don't agree with is that the OP had no part to play. If a child staying with me asked to do X I'd say I'd have to check with her parents first to make sure they were ok about it.