Am I really 'grossly irresponsible'?

[Saggingninja]

My 12 year old daughter's best friend - 'Polly' comes to stay for a few days over half-term. Polly is 14. On the first day, Polly says she would love to go into town (Manchester) with Katie. So I give them money, make sure their phones are charged and send them off.

Both girls are sitting in a cafe having hot chocolate. Polly texts her mum to say she's having fun. Three minutes later Polly's mother calls me. I am 'grossly irresponsible letting two young girls go into town and anything could happen.'

I pointed out that it's half-term, there are likely to be loads of parents and children around and both girls go to school by bus every day. But Polly's mother is convinced their are gangs of Mancunian paedophiles lurking everywhere, so I dash into town to rescue the girls from having a nice time.

I had very overprotective parents who convinced me there were 'bad people' everywhere and kept me in a bubble. I grew up anxious and timid and was determined that my own children would be more confident. And our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence. Our girls are in far more (statistical) danger of being assaulted by someone they know well.

Perhaps I should have told Polly's mother before I let them go. But she (Polly) seemed so pleased and there were two of them. Was I wrong?

Going against the grain here but I wouldn't be happy to find out that DD was in Manchester if I thought she was at her friend's tbh. I would expect the mum to check if it was ok first.

It's not about whether Polly is old enough to go into Manchester on her own. It's about whether that's for Katie's mum to decide or Polly's mum.

So, yes OP, I think you should have checked and were wrong not to.

I was travelling 15 minutes into the city to meet up with friends alone from 11 or 12.

I would consider Polly's mum to be batshit.

This is the kind of thing that needs checking with another parent. A streetwise 14 YO could manage going into a major city with a friend. My 14YO isn't streetwise and couldn't yet.

And for those PP's saying that the other parent should have made you aware before it arose - because your own daughter is only 12 I'm guessing that the mother thought that something like this wouldn't be on option.

She shouldn't have been rude to you though. You've been nice enough to look after her child.

at the posters that say you should have cleared it with the girls Mum. She's 14 years old, if Polly had any doubt that she would not have been allowed, then she is old enough to have checked with her mum herself.

I have 2 DSDs and there is no way I would check with any of their friends parents if they were allowed to go into town!

I don't think you done anything wrong TBH.

She trusted you enough to have her DD to stay so what the girls do in your care should be up to you.

Tennagers need freedom/to be able to let of steam. How does anyone expect them to grown in to independent young women/men if Mummy takes them everywhere and are never allowed to go anywhere alone

I wonder if the girls have form for falling out? The mum might have been worried about that. Or about her being in a city she doesn't know well with only a 12 year old who might not also have been going round the city on her own for very long?

'Polly' is old enough to ask her mum if she can go into town with your DD, knowing her mum's preferences better than you do. There is nothing strange about two young teens going into town and it is certainly not 'grossly irresponsible'.

You did nothing wrong.

You was good enough to have little Polly stay for a few days, so I think that makes you responsible enough to make a judgement call.

If she doesn't like her child ever going out she might want to put a stop to sleepovers altogether. I bet polly couldn't wait to get out

I wouldn't check with any of my DD (13&15) friends mummy's if they could go in to town 20 minutes away.

I regular went to London by train to go shopping on my own at the age of 12! By 16 I had left home and was living alone in London and that was 60 miles away from my parents on the Sussex coast. So I think that a woman who considers it 'grossly irresponsible' for you to have allowed her 14 year old daughter to go shopping with your own DD 20 minutes away is not raising her daughter to be a competent and independant teenager and adult.
I admit to being a worrier about my DD's safety, (whereas my own parents couldn't have cared less tbh), but when she was 14 I would definitely have allowed this and not had a go at you as it was perfectly reasonable for them to have gone to Manchester together at that age.

Nothing wrong op she's crazy.

I would have expected a 14 year old yo be doing this and to liaise with her parents herself.

It wasn't a night club was it?

I would tell her that she's grossly overprotective and ungrateful.

Polly's mum sounds highly controlling!

Mind you, I saw the mother of a 21 year old going mad at them on Facebook because they were moving to 'that dangerous Manchester' for postgraduate study. She honestly seemed to be under the impression that the city centre was like projects in the The Wire, with drug-dealing gangs patrolling and a general lawlessness prevailing. People are odd and a bit sheltered sometimes.

At 14 I'd assume that not only is she old enough to go into town without asking permission but also knows what her mums boundaries are so she'd call and double check herself if she needed to.
It seems wildly overprotective to me, what does she think is in Manchester on a Thursday afternoon? Wolves?

I bet Polly couldn't wait to get out! My parents were very much like pollys and all it done was made me very Naive for a very long time. With my own DC they are given freedom ad I don't want them to grow up like I did.

Surely most 14 year olds these days are allowed in to town, with my DDs friends they all do it. Polly must miss out an awful lot, which is quite sad really.

Pollys Mum trusted you to care for her DD for a few days so while she was in your care you should of been trusted to make the Decision IMO or Polly shouldn't of been allowed on the sleepover.

Where does Polly live? If Polly lives near Manchester or a big city herself then I cannot see the problem. We live in a very rural area and when my son goes to London, I do get nervous that his grandmother (my mother) lets him go off and meet his friends alone. He's not used to big city life, unlike I was and I do like to be told when he does it, not that it makes a difference but I just feel less nervous when I know. Likewise when people's children come to stay I will check if they are OK with me letting them go out in the wilderness by themselves.
I think Polly's mum was being a bit OTT though, and she shouldn't have called you "grossly irresponsible", that's overkill.

The girl's mum was very unreasonable. I was going with my friends to our local city from the age of 11 (this was before mobiles were everywhere as well), but to be fair my local city was more of a town with delusions of grandeur. By 14 though, my mother would have been quite worried about me if I didn't go out and about independently. In fact, I went abroad to Paris on a school trip around that age, and we were given plenty of opportunity to have a wander alone. I understand everyone is different, and it doesn't hurt to be cautious, but this is a step too far. Poor girl, this was probably her first taste of independence.

My parents were like this too, I was really sensible with a good friendship group but I couldn't go into the city for some unexplained reason. I don't think you did anything wrong OP. For those who say their children are not streetwise or grown up enough to go into town, unless there are special needs I would seriously be trying to get them more independent. When they're 16 they could choose to do an apprenticeship or go to a sixth form college further out, have a part time job etc. And will need to be able to be independent enough to manage it!

I'd say Polly's mum is being OTT.

My youngest is14 and regularly gets a bus to the next town to meet her friends during the school holidays (while I am out at work). I collect her later and it is fine.

Unless Polly has some serious problems that we don't know about then I don't think you were at all unreasonable. They need to be allowed to grow up and learn to cope with life.

As for gangs and problems on public transport, those sorts of things are not unique to Manchester. There are plenty of incidents on London Underground that just don't often get reported now. Children have to learn to use it in order to do mundane daily stuff like get to school.

I don't think YWBU. At 12 I would have checked with the parents first but at 14 I would assume it was OK unless the parents specifically told me otherwise.

The mum is a rude drama queen.

I wouldn't have an issue with a fourteen year old going into a city on their own, but I wouldn't let a twelve year old do the same. So while it's not irresponsible to have let Polly go into Manchester it was IMO thoughtless to assume that Polly could therefore also take responsibility for your DD, because while the two girls may not have encountered any difficulties the reality is that there is quite a big gap between twelve and fourteen, and as such if they'd encountered any problems it could be automatically assumed that the fourteen year old would take responsibility, and as such, was responsible for the twelve year old.

It's IMO wrong to assume that someone else's child would be responsible fr your own when you have no idea what that child's boundaries were or what their parent might think.

I have an almost fourteen year old, while I would let him go into town on his own, if he went somewhere else and someone else allowed him to go in with a much younger child I wouldn't be happy. Conversely I wouldn't let him go with his younger cousins. It might be something I would allow after some discussion about responsibility etc but not just a blanket yes and off they go on the train on their own.

First time I was allowed to go to Manchester with my mates I was 14. We took the bus, an hour long ride from the country.

That day was the Manchester bombing. We were in Aflecks Palace when it went off. Glass everywhere. Mid 90's, no cell to call Mummy to rescue us. Buses cancelled. We got the train back.

Survived to tell the tale.

You were wrong to let them go without checking with Polly's mother yes

Sorry, don't agree. If Polly's mother is happy for her daughter to stay away from home at your house, she is happy to entrust her daughter to your care and thus, make decisions.

Poor Polly having such an overprotective mum, I grew up with a mum like that and it was really horrible.

You should have checked with her mum first though.

God that hot chocolate must have tasted like pure freedom to poor Polly!

When I was 14/15 I went down to London with my mum and friend on the train and while my mum was at a work thing, friend and I went all over the place on our own, on the tube and all sorts. That would have been pre-mobile phones as well. Can't really remember what I was allowed to do at 12 but I grew up in a small village so I probably only walked as far as my friends' houses in the village. The public transport was non-existent and all my friends lived nearby.